Tales From the Trash Bin 16. Alcoholic in Equestria.

Hey hey hey, it's not Fat Albert, thank god. It's me, a sad lonely man who writes horse words in his spare time for fun. So anyway I found this old ratty thing and thought I'd post it here in case anyone is interested in seeing my first poor attempts at writing. This was before I even wrote Bizarro Am Not in Equestria, so the writing isn't as good. Just thought I'd slap it here in case anyone felt interested in the concept. Anyway, enjoy my first unnamed project.

Warning, the following is garbage from a writer who was inexperienced and stupid at the time. You have been warned.

3, 2, 1.... and, boom. The infamous migraine. First sign of a hangover.

You're not one to typically get drunk on a Monday night, but Monday was... well eventful would be an understatement. You got fired from your job for calling that bitch Lisa fat, which she TOTALLY IS. And ok, maybe you also said a few other things to her, but all of them were justifiable. So you left work earlier than usual and found your girlfriend in a compromising position with your best, and overall only, friend on your bed.

So, being jobless, girlfriend-less, and friendless you decided to say "Fuck it" and drank as much as you could. Which was a pathetic amount if you're being honest with yourself. You never really had the time to "train" your liver when you were younger.

And that's how your sorry ass ended up in this situation. As you get up you hear a woman's voice let out a groan. Oh god did you pick someone up while you were drunk?

Looking over to your side you don't see anyone in bed with you. You also notice that this isn't your bed. As you begin to rub your eyes all thoughts stop....

Where are your fingers?

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" A very feminine scream escapes your throats as you look at your arm.

"Where are my hands?! What happened to my body?!" Flailing your limbs around you accidentally wrap yourself in a cocoon of blankets and face plant on the floor, knocking you out cold.

After an unknown amount of time you groggily open up your eyes. As your memories floor back in you look around the room horrified. Some fucking psycho kidnapped you while you were drunk and did... THIS to you! Oh god, it's like that one movie where the guy turns into a walrus!

Running, or more adequately, flailing your limbs in an attempt to run and stumbling around like an idiot, you rush out of your prison bedroom. You make your way to the living room downstairs and quickly fling open the door before you stop dead in your tracks.

There are colorful horses everywhere. Everywhere!

...
Holy shit there's someone in this town who knows about humans! This could be your big break! Everyone else is acting like your crazy, but if someone knows about humans, then maybe they are one. Maybe they even know a way out of here.

...
Suddenly, a female voice pulls you from your thoughts as the call to you in a song song voice. "Berry Punch~!"

...
You turn around and notice a pony with the a coat color similar to your Mane waving at you. Well, she's not acting like everyone else so maybe she knows you.

You decide to do the nice thing and wave back. The other Mare begins to trot over to you, you notice three smiling flowers on her flank. "It's good to see you again Berry, I was worried when I couldn't find you at the bar last night." She says as she pulls you into a hug.

You smile and return the hug awkwardly. "You didn't need to worry, about me... uh..." you trail off, hoping she'll say her name. No way it'll work th--

"Cheerilee. Your older sister. Honestly Berry, how much did you drink?" She says, and thank god for that.

"Not that much. Just a bit more than usual." You sheepishly say. Cheerilee, your apparent sister, looks at you with sympathetic eyes. Wait, sympathy.

"Berry, I... I just..." she let's out a sigh. "Would you like to come over to my house tonight? I could use the company."

"Uh, sure. That sounds good. Oh, before I forget, I wanted to go talk to a pony named Lyra. Do you know where I could find her?"

Cheerilee looks at you with a bewildered expression. "I think she and Bon-Bon are out of town for a few days visits no some of Bon-Bon'd relatives in Canterlot. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, I uh... borrowed some money for drinks a while back from her. I wanna pay her back."

"Mon-e? Is that a new beer or something?" She asks. Oh god they don't have money here? Wait, what do they have here? They have to pay with something right?

"Uh, yeah! Pretty cheap but good. You should try it sometime." You exclaim. You could have told her what you meant but you just can't put that shovel down. You just keep digging this hole of lies, miscommunication, and

...
Cheerilee comes back into the room with a bottle of wine and three glasses all balanced on her back. She must have invited another pony over if she brought out three glasses. She puts on a sad smile, and asks "Would you like some red wine? I-I also have some white wine if you want that."

"No thanks, maybe some water if that's ok." The bottle of wine Cheerilee had balanced in her back rolled off and hit the ground with a loud 'clunk'. Thankfully it's a pretty durable bottle so it doesn't started or anything.

While that's happening Cheerilee just stares at you like you spoke pig latin. Wait, would pig Latin be spoken by pigs here? Probably. For some reason it makes more sense than ponies living in a place called Ponyvile.

After a long stretch of silence you decide to break it. "Uh, Cher, are you ok?"

That seems to snap her back to her senses as she shakes her head in a pretty silly way. "Oh, yes I'm fine. I just... I'll get you some water." She say, before turning back to the kitchen. You quickly yell out thanks and trot over to the bottle of wine still on the floor, placing it on a table nearby before hoping back onto the couch.

...
Ah~. Morning.

What a shit time of day. You weren't a morning person, you were a night owl. And it seems like your current body agrees with that sentiment.

Speaking of body, you're still kinda weirded out by this situation. You should probably be freaking out right now, but you passed the "flip the fuck out" stage a while ago. For some reason freaking out feels counterproductive. Well, you know it would be counterproductive but that's never stopped you before. No, for some reason you just have this feeling.

As you were sitting in your house you came to a sudden realization. You don't have a job.

"Fuck." You say. "How the hell am I going to pay for... my house? Wait, how did she pay for this place? From what I know Berry's the town drunk. How could she..." your monologue of deduction is brought to a haunt by a loud crash outside. You look at the front door when you suddenly hear three knocks.

"Mail!" A feminine voice says from the other side of the door. You let out a breath you didn't realize you were holding before fronting over to the door and opening it.

On the other side is a grey Pegasus Mare with blonde hair and golden eyes, both staring in different directions. She mare digs into her bag before pulling out a single letter. "Here's your alimony check Punch." She says in a nice and happy tone. It's a very sincere tone that you wouldn't expect to hear when someone says, "here's your free money."

"Um, thanks?" You say as you take the letter from her hoof.

"Any time. Have a good day Punch!" She says, before tripping over her leg as she turns around. She gets back up and goes into the air, straight into a flying blur of a rainbow. You close the door, not wanting to see the poor Mare suffer anymore.

Ripping open your letter reveals your apparent alimony check and... ... .... oh. Wow, that's a lot of zeroes. "And this is for one month?!" You scream as your jaw literally hits the floor. You don't know what the hell a Bit is but you've sure got a lot of them. Suddenly this pony owning this nice house makes s lot of sense.

Holy cow, you are rolling in dough! Who the hell is your husband, Scrooge McDuck?! No wonder this Mare gets wasted like there's no tomorrow, she can afford it and the resulting hospital bills with ease because of Mr. Big Bits here. Wait, alimony? That's only when you have kids isn't it?

Looking around the room you notice a distinct lack of children nearby. And just like that you realize something. You're a mom.

Ok... back to "flip the fuck out" stage. You look at yourself in the mirror on the nearby wall with a terrified expression. You just found out Berry Punch was a mom, which makes you a mom. But, more importantly is the past tense you just used. She WAS a mom, but now...

You hadn't thought of it before, but you're in another person's body. Someone who had a life, feelings, desires... a family... and you just took it.

"No, no, no. This can't be happening. I can't..." your words die in your throats as you continue to look at your horrified reflection. No. HER reflection. "I never wanted this..."

A tear escapes HER eye as you lose balance and collapse on the floor. She's probably flipping the fuck out in your body. Oh god, if she gets drunk and starts talking about colorful ponies, they'll lock her up in the looney bin. Oh god, what have you done to her?...

No, no! Control yourself dammit! You can make this right. If this Lyra person is a human, maybe they can help you. It's a long shot but it's your only shot. Steeling your resolve you put the check in a dresser drawer and head outside. It's still early and hardly anybody is outside.

...
"Um, hi, are you Lyra?" You ask.

The mare just rolls her eyes. "No Berry, I'm not Lyra. Celestia sakes... What do you want?"

"Oh, I uh... Just needed to talk to her a bit if that's okay."

...
"Lyra I need to talk to you about something. You see, I have a... a problem."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok Berry, I'm proud that you're admitting this to me, but I don't think I'm the most qualified for this. I heard Vinyl started an AA group a while back after she hooked back up with Octavia, maybe you could ask them for help."

It took a moment for you to collect your thoughts before the implications hit you. "Lyra, I'm not here to talk about that, it's a different problem. A problem I think we both share."

Lyra looks completely befuddled. "Um... and what would that be?"

"Lyra, how much do you know about humans?"

Lyra's eyes widened with glee. "Oh my gosh, so much! I mean, everyone just says humans are a myth, but I know they're real!"

Yes! Finally, you met another human! Now you can--

"I met a human Luna in my dreams once." She says. "I think that a magical human version of Princess Luna found me in the dreamscape and decided to let me see her. It was so increasable! She was nearly as tall as Celestia, and she had these claw like appendages called hands and--"

You shove a hoof in her mouth to stop her from ranting. "Are you sure that's how you know about humans? You wouldn't, ya know..... be a human?" You ask hopefully.

Lyra just bursts out laughing. "Oh man, I wish I was! That would be awesome! I could use those nimble fingers to play the Lyre, and pick up things with my fingers, and pick my nose with my fingers, and..." Lyra let's out an almost orgasmic sigh as she starts to drool. "Do other things."

"FUCK!" You scream, pulling Lyra away from her disturbing fantasies. "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! This is just great!"

"What?" Lyra questions.

"I thought you were a human!" You shout, pointing a hoof at her.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because I'm a human! Fuck! Dammit all to hell! I just.... ugh!" You punch the wall leaving a fairly noticeable dent in it. "Dammit!"

Lyra approaches you carefully and puts a hoof of your shoulder. "Berry, just calm down. I think we have some hard apple cider left over in--"

"I don't need alcohol! I need to get out of here!" You scream in her face. She looks terrified for a moment, but then she looks completely surprised.

"What did you say?"

"I need to get out of here! I've been stuck in this goddamn horse body for two days now!"

"No, no, I mean the alcohol thing." She says. Her question temporarily dulls your anger as you look at her.

"I don't... I don't want any?" You say. Lyra's jaw drops.

"You don't want any? Wow... how much have you had to drink?"

"I'm not drunk Lyra, I'm pissed. I've been stuck in goddamn candy land with a bunch of happy go lucky ponies for two days!"

"Ok, ok. Calm down Berry. Here, have a seat." Lyra says as she levitates a rocking chair over to you. You ungracefully plop you flank down in the chair and start rocking back and forward.

"Oh god, this is the worst." You say, letting an exhausted groan leave your throat. Lyra sits on her bed and looks at you for a bit, most likely debating what to say.

"So... You think you're a human?" She asks in a slow and calculated voice or reason.

"I don't think I'm a human. I AM a human. Or well, I was. All I remember is getting drunk after losing my job and dumping my cheating bitch of a girlfriend and then I woke up like..." you gesture to yourself. "This."

" 'Girlfriend'? Is that like a Marefrined?"

You let out a sigh. "I guess. Where I'm from we don't have 'Marefriends' or anything like that. In fact, we don't have any overly colorful talking ponies where I'm from either. Jesus this feels like a bad acid trip."

Lyra takes a moment to digest what you said, planning her next words carefully. She didn't want to set you off again, and it was clear that she couldn't use booze to calm you down like she could with Berry Punch. "So... if you're not from Equestria, where are you from?"

"Earth." You say. Lyra just looks at you confused.

"I mean, what's your country's name?"

"The good ol' United States of America. Well, I was actually born in England but moved overseas when I was around four."

"Ok, and what's your planet called?"

"Earth." You say plainly. Lyra still looks confused.

"So... your planet's name... is earth?.. is it like, one giant rock?"

"No, nearly 75% water actually."

Lyra nods her head slowly. "Riiiight. You... you do know earth means dirt and rock, right?"

"Yup."

"And your planet is 75% water..."

"Yup."

There's a long silence that fills the room after that as Lyra tries to comprehend that. "Hey, I didn't name my planet... come to think of it, who did name my planet?" You ponder aloud.

"Weeelll," she says, clearly not believing you. "Whoever they were certainly weren't the best at naming."

You chuckle a bit. "Says the Pony who lives in 'Ponyvile'."

Lyra tools her eyes. "Touché. So, what is 'earth' like?"

"Kinda like here I guess? We've got a sun, a moon, days, nights. A lot of the houses are a bit more modern where I'm from though. We don't usually use thatch to cover our houses. Oh, and we also don't have talking ponies or magic."

Lyra's eyes widen in shock. "No magic? That's impossible."

"Nope. Magic is just a myth where I'm from. Kinda like talking ponies. Weird, so I guess where I'm from magic and talking ponies are myths, but here humans are myths."

"Yeah, but back to the no magic thing. How do you teleport?"

"We don't?" You say. "Can you teleport?"

"A bit, but only so far. Teleportation magic is tricky. What about levitation, how do you do that without magic?"

"We don't levitate. Well, we can fly but you'd probably need a jet pack or something like that."

"Well what about the weather? How do humans control that without magic?"

"Wait, can you control the weather?" You ask.

"I can't, but all Pegasi can. So do you just let the weather do whatever it wants? Like how we just let it go off in the Everfree?"

"Pretty much. It's a force of nature that we can't control. I mean, some conspiracy theorists say the government controls the weather, but I find that hard to believe personally."

"Fascinating. What can you tell me about humans?"

It was clear from the first few questions that Lyra was trying to poke holes in your story, but eventually became pretty convinced as you continued talking. Probably because no drunk or crazy person could come up with such a story, let alone a story that covers millions of years of evolution, politics, and other stuff. You and Lyra talked for a while, well you would talk and she would occasionally nod. You repeat all the basic high school stuff you remember, like the Big Bang, how the planet was covered entirely in lava, how the air was unbearable, but then chemicals combined to create O2 and H2O. Blah, blah, blah, cells, walking fish, evolution, dinosaurs, extinction, Pangea, monkeys, bone tools, the wheel, and Elvis Presley. It took you a good hour and a half to talk about all of your knowledge about the world, the countries, the wars, etc. Once again, all the basic high school stuff that barley clings to your memories, along with a few more current news stories you saw. You had to back peddle a lot when you would forget how the moon formed and had to explain what a gun was.

Lyra was especially happy to hear you talk about musicians and how they used their hands. When you backpedalled to the moon landing she visibly gasped.

"You went to the moon?!" She exclaims.

"Yeah. Took a lot of money, time, and manpower but we did it. And best of all, we did it first." You say, feeling a mixture of smug and prideful for your history.

"Wow. That's amazing! This is beyond what I even conceived of when I first started my study of humans. Oh Boykin will be so happy to hear about this at the next human meeting!"

"Boykin? Who's that?" You ask.

"Oh, he's a member of the human appreciation society. We meet once every two weeks to talk about humans and theories about them."

"Hmph. Sounds like a nice guy."

"Oh yeah, he's a little small for a cow though. He was born a runt and--"

You interrupt Lyra before she can continue. "Wait, wait, wait, wait. Back up. He's a cow?"

"Uh-huh!"

You slump back into your seat and slowly slide down. "Cows can... talk here?..."

"Oh yeah. Boykin is a real talker too. He's one of the few other creatures that believes humans exist. Oh, he'll be so excited to meet you!"

You think about the implications of a talking cow before you feel you stomach turn. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Down the hall, second door on the right, why--"

Before she can finish you rush out of the room and make a b-line for the toilet, emptying the contents of your stomach in the porcelain bowl.

Fuck this world.

...
Welcome to your forth day in Pony-Hell. After learning that both Pigs and Cows an talk you locked yourself in your house yesterday. You'd love to stay locked in your house a bit longer, but it's about time you explored the town. Might as well get comfortable since you're stuck here for a while.

Getting out of bed you instantly slam your face on the floor. "Ow...."

After you're unfortunate battle with gravity, you take a shower, eat breakfast and head outside. The weather is pretty good today. The swirly clouds were kinda weird, but altogether nice. Even that thing over there looks nice. Wait, what is that?

As you continue to stare at the sky you notice a golden chariot being drawn by two ponies in gold armor. There are two purpleish shapes in the back that look like ponies. Huh. Flying chariots are apparently a thing here. Well ponies control the weather, talk, and apparently have magic. Overall you probably should have expected this.

...
Your writing gig is helping get a few extra bits here and there so there's that. That tattoo you have on your butt, turns out it means that you have a sixth sense for fine wines and social trends. You came up with the alias Pinot Noir and write wine reviews to align with horoscopes, telling ponies which wine they should drink which day depending on when they were born. To you it's incredibly stupid but it seems to be a hit in Manehattan. The pay is alright though you need a job. The only place that seems to be hiring is the local pub but you're concerned that they might make you pay your tab. You don't know how much it might be but you have a pretty good idea that it's an absurd amount.

...
The words hit you like a ton of bricks. She... she died. She died? That night you became her. She died.

...
Well, tonight's the big night. That's right, it's date night. A few days ago you technically, "came out of the closet" to your sister, Cheerilee. She was really supportive of your choice and said that she could help set you up with somepony she knew from a friend of a friend. You weren't 100% on the idea of dating, but you might as well try it. Besides, if you get lucky you might end up, "getting lucky~."

You sent Ruby Pinch to bed already after reading her a story. You didn't want to tell her about what you'll be doing tonight. You're afraid that she'll resent you, or that you're trying to replace her dad. You never met the stallion but, from how Ruby talks about him he sounds like a genuinely good guy.

...
Jesus how long has it been since you came here. A year? Yeah, about a year. Everything seems to be going pretty smoothly so far. Last week you competed in the Sisterhooves Special with Ruby and won!

So what if it's technically not following the rules. Ain't no one gonna tell you your precious angel can't compete because she doesn't have a sister. That didn't stop Twilight from nagging your ear off later though. Jesus, everypony else was ok with it so was was she all pissy?

Applejack and Sweetie Belle raced together and they aren't even related. If anyone should get an ear full, it's them.

---

Good and evil, right and wrong, heads or tails. While many people believe in grays and in-betweens, one criminal only sees the world in black and white. Torn from Gotham and sharing a body with someone pretending to be Harvey, Two-Face forges forward to see what the techno-colored world of Equestria has to offer. Tales From the Trash Bin 3. (Two-Face)

The Dazzlings daring plan to conquer the continent with a concert of chaos isn’t stopped by a band of heroes, but by a corrupt conductor. Can the Dazzlings out preform the sinning singer, or will they join his concerto of crime? Tales From the Trash Bin 5. (Music Meister)

After finally graduating from high school, a twenty year old man is reborn as a high school student in a cartoon. What’s worse, is that he’s become debatably the worst character in it. No, not the villain, not even some random background character. He’s Flash Waifu-Stealing Sentry, and he really hates… Everything at the moment. Watch as Flash Sentry is forced to relieve the nightmare that is high-school while attempting to use what little knowledge of the show he has to his advantage. Tales From the Trash Bin 6. (Flash Sentry)

When you’ve been abandoned by everyone you love, is it wrong to lie to someone so that you can find some small sense of compassion? Sunset Shimmer’s life had taken a turn for the worse. Abandoned by her friends, she finds comfort in a misunderstanding and becomes friends with a group of rather strange humans. Tales From the Trash Bin 7. (My Street)

An Iron Golem’s one job in life is to fight evil and protect their village. Only death can stop these titans from pursuing their objective. Nothing, not even being teleported to a village full of only colorful horses in another dimension, will stop these sentinels from protecting everyone from the forces of evil. Tales From the Trash Bin 8. (Iron Golem)

The tragic end of Anon-A-Miss leads to the ominous beginning of a new threat, Onymous. Will the students of Canterlot High find the perpetrator, or will Sunset be trapped in their claws? Tales From the Trash Bin 9. (Anon-A-Miss)

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life decides to screw you over time and time again, add a splash of vodka to your lemonade to feel better. And when life decides it’s not content letting you wallow in self pity, go to a bar and meet a strangely sympathetic centaur. Tirek may not give you a shoulder to cry on, but he will give you something to wash your woes away. If you're lucky, or if you’re considerably unlucky, then he might even offer a piece of advice as well. Just don't expect it to be free of charge. Tales From the Trash Bin 10. (Tirek)

There’s a mysterious pony with an equally strange life. The mare of mystery, the walking questionable copyright infringement, the hero of all Equestria Mare Do-Well Mystery Mare (For copyright reasons) debuts with a worrying case of amnesia on her mind and a heart thirsting for justice! Tales From the Trash Bin 11. (Mare Do-Well)

Zephyr Breeze liked to consider himself as a normal person. However, after getting amnesia, Zephyr learns about his disturbing hidden shrine to his next-door neighbor and begins to question what kind of sick creep he was. Tales From the Trash Bin 12. (Zephyr Breeze)

Good and evil are not always black and white, despite what one “evil” simian has to say about it. After being defeated once again by a trio of trifling heroes, Mojo-Jojo attempts to return to his evil mountain lair and sulk. However, by some twisted sense of fate, the depressed villain is flung into another world where he crashes into a grey town full of downtrodden ponies. With renewed vigor, Mojo-Jojo plots to conquer the alien planet and return to his own world with an army standing at his side! Will the evil simian be recognized for the evil mastermind he is, or will his villainous plots reveal something else to him? Tales From the Trash Bin 13. (Mojo-Jojo)

Local Human is trapped in Equestria, and is annoyed that the only close cure to her boredom is reading books. After lamenting to Rainbow Dash, the coolest pony she knows, Rainbow Dash invites her to do something “really cool”. She would have said no if she knew it was cloud watching. Tales From the Trash Bin 14. (Erebus)

(Displaced Stories)
Tales From the Trash Bin. (Dani Phantom. Pt. 1)
Tales From the Trash Bin. (Dani Phantom. Pt. 2)
Tales From the Trash Bin. (Scott Howl)
The First Tales From the trash Bin. (Pearl)