Tales From the Trash Bin #10. Pass A Beer to Your Centaur. · 12:14pm Jan 8th, 2021

Well, it’s the final Tales From the Trash Bin… Maybe? I dunno, maybe I’ll try another one shot and stop halfway through and just put it here. Only time will tell. I do still have that unfinished one-shot stalker story, and I could post it here if I just lose interest in it… Eh, I’ll probably post it on my blog.

Anyway, among all of my Tales From the Trash Bin Fics, this one is my absolute favorite failed fic. I really didn’t want this story to end up here, and I hoped that I could find a good direction to take it in, but I got stuck and couldn’t pull myself forward. I’m not good at stories that are like short anthologies, and I ran out of ponies to participate in the story. I also know more about rocket science than I do about alcohol, so I kinda ran into a snag when I had to keep talking about different beers.

If you want this story, PM me to adopt it or any of the other stories I have on my blog. I hope you enjoy…

My Large Villain: Alcohol is Magic

Short Description:
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life takes everything away from you, make alcohol.

Long Description:
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life decides to screw you over time and time again, add a splash of vodka to your lemonade to feel better. And when life decides it’s not content letting you wallow in self pity, go to a bar and meet a strangely sympathetic centaur.

Tirek may not give you a shoulder to cry on, but he will give you something to wash your woes away. If you're lucky, or if your considerably unlucky, then he might even offer a piece of advice as well. Just don't expect it to be free of charge.

Art Work ~~Stolen From~~ Unknowingly Donated by jamescorck

A pain in the neck.
~~Well ain’t that a kick in the head.~~
That’s a punch in the gut.
the other shoe to drop
~~Break a leg.~~
drop dead gorgeous
pull the other one, it’s got bells on it.
~~Like pulling teeth.~~
Don’t twist my arm.
You’re talking my ear off.
You’re a pain in the ass.
Are you pulling my leg?
Completely tone deaf
~~A shoulder to cry on~~
A bum leg
Cat Got your Tongue
Frog in my throat
chin made of glass
rub salt in the wound
Lighting a fire under your ass

Chapter 1: Break a Leg, or Several.

A thick cloud of smoke filled the air of a bar in the bowls of Manhattan on a cloudless night.

The lights in the ceiling burned with a dull glow with the only exception being a light near the door that would flicker every ten seconds. A gentle buzz emitted from the lights that was almost audible over the sounds of soft music and the thunderous crack of billiard balls.

A red pegasus mare and a blue earth pony stallion circled a billiard table with their cue sticks as the stallion planned his next shot carefully. Near them, a yellow mare was passed out in a booth with an empty glass of gin in her hoof. It was a relatively slow night, as it had been for the past seven nights.

The hushed melodies of a forgotten pony played from the bar’s old jukebox, lulling the bar’s occupants to sleep as they entertained themselves. The sudden sound of billiard balls colliding would occasionally cause the drunk mare to stir from her slumber, but wouldn’t pull her away from whatever dreams she found herself in. The tears that soaked her fur had begun to dry as she happily cuddled up next to the empty glass, like a cat rubbing against the leg of it’s owner.

The two competitors at the pool table stayed silent as they continued their game, committing their complete focus to a game that would decide which of the two would be paying for drinks later on. Their boisterous shouts had become an almost fleeting memory as they devoted their minds solely to a simple game.

Behind the bar stood the figure of a creature that had been nearly forgotten to the pages of history, a once proud villain who used his knowledge to subjugate the world with his immense powers. However, that was a different time for the centaur, a time when he allowed his lustful greed to drive his actions. Presently, the one who had always demanded the title of “lord” was reduced to nothing more than a bartender at a crumbling establishment called “Cat’s Cradle.”

The proud and arrogant smile that once decorated his face had soured to a bored frown as he passively watched the small number of customers who kept the bar afloat. The cup that rested in his crimson hands had been polished clean nearly an hour before he had grabbed it, as had a majority of their glassware and silverware.

His reflection stared back at him in the glass of the cup, allowing the bartender to tuck a hair of his mane behind one of his obsidian horns. While he looked at his features in the glass, the once powerful “lord” Tirek, allowed the subtle ghost of a smile to pull at the corner of hiss mouth. The dark rages that he had used to protect his upper torso from the elements of nature had been exchanged for a lime green suit that hugged his torso. His hollow cheek bones and sickly figure had filled out nicely over the course of several weeks, giving the nigh immortal centaur a younger appearance that briefly reminded him of his youth.

For a brief moment, disgust and bitterness flashed across his face as the memory of his brother came back to haunt him. Before he could wallow in his anger and regret for much longer, the sound of a bell drew his attention to the door where a blue coated unicorn mare with a darker blue mane stood.

She stood at the threshold of the door, staring at the centaur with wide eyes. Tirek did his best to smile in a non-threatening manner to silently greet the new customer. There had been many customers who immediately turned around after meeting his gaze, losing a decent number of customers thanks to their fear of strange creatures or their general xenophobia.

Tirek could feel his muscles hesitantly tense, a sign of weakness that he would have never shown back in his prime. But, with a struggling business, one less customer meant another day closer to closing shop.

Thankfully, the young mare soon trotted into the bar and observed her surroundings with a thorough eye. Not a single cracked support beam, stained wall, or squeaky floorboard went unnoticed by her as she trotted to the bar. After taking her seat directly in front of Tirek, she eyed a bowl of peanut crumbs and ash that sat on the bar counter. Her eyes flicked to Tirek for only a moment before she asked, “Do you mind if I smoke?”

TIrek only shrugged in reply as he sat the glass down on the counter. Without much delay, the mare ignited her horn to bring a pack of cigarettes out of her bag before lighting one of them with a flurry of her magic.

“This place is very…” The mare trailed off, as she searched for something that at least resembled a compliment.

“Old, worn, a lawsuit waiting to happen,” Tirek supplied as he chuckled to himself. “No need to sugarcoat it, this place was literally called ‘The low bar’ before my boss won it in a bet. Don’t worry though, our drinks are still high quality. Can I start you off with anything?”

“Sure…Gin and Tonic.”

“I’ll get right to it, then,” Tirek replied, grabbing a bottle of tonic water and a bottle of gin from the shelves. Before pouring them in, he grabbed a pair of tongs from below the counter to fill it with ice. Finally, after pouring in the right amounts of gin and tonic water, Tirek garnished it with a lime wedge.

“Here you are,” Tirek said as he slid the Gin and Tonic to the mare.

After using her levitation magic to put out her cigarette, the mare grabbed her drink and gave it a light sniff. Satisfied with the smell, the mare used her levitation to bring the beverage to her muzzle as she looked up at her server.

“Soooo… You work here?” She asked.

“No, I just stand behind the counter and waste time,” Tirek replied with a hint of annoyance in his voice. He managed to stop himself from rolling his eyes at the mare’s question and silently congratulated himself for showing so much restraint. “The boss was desperate, I was desperate, and he decided to hire me. Ponies don’t hire creatures like me unless they’re desperate to strange.”

“I see… So, what’s your name?” The customer asked.

“My name is Tirek, I’m a minotaur,” he easily lied as he returned to cleaning the same glass he had polished earlier.

“You look rather odd for a minotaur,” she observed, to which Tirek shrugged.

“It’s a birth defect. You know how the story goes. Diamond dog falls in love with a dragon, they move to the big city, and then they get drunk one night. Next thing you know, they’re at an orphanage adopting the young creature that looks the most interesting,” Tirek said as he lightly laughed. “Which just so happened to be me.”

“Ah… That’s an interesting story,” the mare replied with a strained smile.

A strongly uncomfortable silence fell on them both as the mare sipped her drink, allowing her eyes to roam Tirek’s body with an inquisitive gaze. While it did make Tirek feel uncomfortable, it wasn’t the usual discomfort of possibly running into a pony who may have actually paid attention in history class. It was something different, something about the mare made him feel like he had an itch on the back of his ear that wouldn’t go away.

With a practiced grace, the unicorn ignited another cigarette and brought it to her lips. She inhaled deeply, allowing a cloud of smoke to flood out of her muzzle as she stared right into Tirek’s eyes.

“… Cozy Glow,” the mare suddenly said.

Tirek’s yellow irises shrunk to the size of pin pricks as he looked down at the blue coated mare, staring into her green eyes with a burning passion. His shocked expression slowly melted into a scowl as he recognized the sick feeling the mare left him with.

“… I see you’re back then as well, Chrysalis,” Tirek replied irritably.

“Queen Chrysalis, firstly. And also, I’m surprised you have as well,” the insect disguised as a pony stated. “I assumed I was the only one who returned after… that.”

“As did I, and unfortunately I was apparently wrong. By the way, I don’t want to be involved in whatever you’re scheming now. If you’re just here for drinks then you can stay. Otherwise, pay and get out,” he ordered, placing the clean glass back on the shelf where it belonged.

Chrysalis, still maintaining the disguise of a blue unicorn mare, looked at Tirek as if he had suddenly called her his best friend. He had never seen Chrysalis look so surprised or disgusted in their past life, but then again, Tirek could never really read her facial expressions when she wasn't disguised.

“What? We have a second chance!” She quietly argued. “For some reason, you, I, and possibly that insufferable filly, were sent back in time. A time when nopony knew you escaped Tartarus, where I still had my army and… I don’t know, a time when Cozy Glow was still suckling from her mother’s teat?” She guessed. “The point is, we have the advantage. We know everything that will happen now!”

“Oh yes, what an ‘advantageous’ opportunity. I mean, we know the ‘future’ and all the princesses, the elements of harmony, and eventually the pillars and those students have is an immortal god of chaos, an unlimited supply of magic, an army of ponies, and that stupid tree. Yes, I’m suuuure this time will be different,” Tirek stated sarcastically.

“… What happened to you?” Chrysalis asked with sickness and sorrow vying for control of her voice.

“I was at my most powerful and I was beaten in under a day. Power beyond anything I had imagined coursed through my veins, and I still lost. Chrysalis, I’m done. The ponies won, they’ll win again, and I’d rather not find myself waking up in a cage back in Tartarus for… I think the third time,” Tirek reasoned. “If you want my advice—”

“I don’t need your stupid advice, I need your stupid magic stealing abilities to get me that stupid bell, you moron,” Chrysalis irritably interrupted before inhaling her cigarette until nothing but the butt remained.

“You should probably slow down on that,” Tirek advised, earning a glare from the disguised villain.

“Bite me,” she hissed. “I don’t take orders from underlings.”

Once she finished her cigarette, Chrysalis used her magic to fish another one out of the box. For a brief moment, Tirek noticed that there were only two cigarettes left in a box that should have held a dozen of them.

“Since when do you smoke?”

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re throwing away a golden opportunity. I have my army back, we know where Grogar’s bell is, we have the advantage. Join me, and we can take our revenge on all of these pathetic ponies,” Chrysalis reasoned taking a slower drag of her cigarette than she had previously.

“As… Interesting as that sounds, I still have to decline. I don’t know why we’ve been given a second chance, but I refuse to repeat the same mistakes as last time.”

“We won’t. We know more than anypony else on the planet, we know everything that will happen for the next five years. We need to seize this opportunity and take our revenge.”

Tirek took a moment to look down at the changeling queen before his eyes raised to observe the bar. The two ponies at the billiards table gave no indication to noticing his quiet squabble with the fake unicorn, and the passed-out mare still clung desperately to her glass. He watched them with a blank expression, as if he were judging the placement of a flowerpot on a shelf. He could have easily accepted Chrysalis’ offer, drained all three of their magic and taken them to the changeling hive for them to be cocooned and drained of their love. It would be as easy as pouring a glass of water.

However, Tirek knew better than to go against the will of the alicorn sisters and the Elements of Harmony. If he were to follow the same path he had before, he would surely face the same fate that befell him in the past.

Tirek turned back to Chrysalis, sharing a rare look of sympathy to her as he spoke. “I’m sorry Chrysalis, but my answer is still no.”

Chrysalis didn’t say a word as she looked at the glass in her telekinetic grip. The casual music and occasional clap of billiard balls filled the silence that had been built between them. She released a shuddering breath as she brought the drink back to her lips, finishing off the beverage with ease before she slammed it back down. The sudden new noise briefly drew the attention of the two billiard players, but not long enough for them to be interested as they returned to their game without hesitation.

“… So, you’re leaving me too…” She said with a quiet and bitter voice. “You and that filly… I thought you both understood me, better than my traitorous children did at least. We have knowledge most creatures would go to war for, and you… You want to waste your time at this dingy bar? You could rule a continent, half the world if you joined me. But you’re staying here? Here?”

“I don’t know,” Tirek answered. “I don’t know if I’ll stay here, open a theme park, or if I’ll just lay down in an ally and wait for a death that may never come. But I do know that I’m done trying to take over Equestria,” he firmly stated.

Once again, the natural melodies of the bar filled the silence that fell on the pair of former allies. Without a word, Chrysalis leapt down from her seat at the bar and trotted towards the door, leaving Tirek to his own devices.

TIrek watched the door swing shut behind the changeling queen and began to remise on the somewhat pleasant memories they shared. Even if Tirek would never call Chrysalis his friend, he would always hold a small sense of respect for the starving queen. As seconds ticked by in rhythm with the soft music that flowed from the worn jukebox, Tirek muttered the words he wished to say to her before she left.

“Good luck.”

And with that, Tirek returned to his work of lazily polishing the same glass to keep his hands busy.

“… Buck…. She didn’t pay…”

Chapter 2: Like Pulling Teeth.

The sound of a sad mare’s beautiful song wafter in the air of a dingy bar in Manehattan on a late night.

The somber melody was one of the few songs in the bar’s limited collection that Tirek actually enjoyed. Taking a sip of his own supply, Tirek allowed himself to sit on the floor behind the counter as he rested his head on it. It had been several days since his former ally had trotted into the bar in order to seek revenge on the ponies who inadvertently sent them back to the past. The days that followed were long, and business had crawled to a near halt.

Tirek glanced at the empty bar, silently lamenting the lack of business as he chewed on a peanut. While less ponies meant a less likely chance of being recognized, it also meant that the bar was more likely to be shut down. His employer, Nermal, had shown a casual disinterest to the business’ slow pace, but Tirek knew that his calm attitude was only a thinly veiled facade. The abyssinian had put a placed a great deal of faith in his newly won bar, using it as an opportunity to settle down in a city in Equestria so that he could escape the oppression of the Storm King’s minions.

Being a creature from the far west of Terra, Nermal was unfamiliar with the customs and species of Equestria which had led to a series of poor choices that caused him to fall into debt. If the bar failed to earn a profit, then it would only be a matter of time until Tirek’s employer was swallowed by his growing debt, leaving Tirek without a home or source of income.

While he hated to admit it, the basement beneath the bar was by far the best place Tirek had lived in in centuries. Compared to his cage in Tartarus, the dark and twisting alleyways of Manehattan, and the oddly shaped skull cave in a swamp that he shared with Chrysalis and Cozy Glow, the basement was a glorious gift from whatever god or goddess controlled the world.

As he silently thanked whatever creature was responsible for giving him a chance to meet Nermal many weeks ago, the bell that hung above the entrance to the bar announced a potential costumer. With great haste, the old lord rose to his hooves and rested his arms on the counter of the bar.

At the threshold of the door stood a pair of twin unicorn stallions, each one taller than the average unicorn by at least a head. Scorch marks and stains marred their yellow coats, and what little clothing they wore was torn to ribbons.

Aside from the amount of burns and stains they were covered in, the only noticeable difference between them was that one had a bright red mustache while the other’s upper lip was fully exposed.

“Well brother… Isn’t this a fine establishment?” The one with a mustache asked as he led the way inside.

“I… I couldn’t agree more, brother. What a… quaint place of rest,” the other replied as he tried to match his brother’s forced enthusiasm. “Why hello, good sir, would you mind pouring us a beverage of your choice.”

“Something that doesn’t have apples in it, preferably,” the mustached brother added on before the pair took a seat at the counter.

Without a word, Tirek poured the pair two glasses of Rum and Coke, allowing Tirek to use the cheapest bottles of rum Nermal had in stock. After offering the beverages to the two brothers, the both raised their glasses in the air to give themselves a toast.

“To… Um… Flim, why don’t you raise the toast this time,” the mustached brother offered.

His brother glanced around the bar before looking at the state of himself and his brother, quietly counting the burns and possible bruises that littered their bodies.

“… Flam… We’re lucky to be alive.”

“Amen to that, brother!” The mustached on, Flam, cheered as he clinked his glass against Flim’s.

“No, Flam, you don’t get it. Look at us, did you think we’d ever end up like this? Beaten and burned, forced to leave another town because our scheme failed? We almost died today!”

“But we didn’t!” Flam enthusiastically pointed out as he drank his Rum and Coke.

“Sure, not today, but what about tomorrow? Flam, how many towns have we been chased out of now?” Film asked as he placed his drink down on the counter, leaving it to be abandoned as he focused on his brother.

“Oh, come on Flim, you know that it’ll be fine. We’ll pack up the wagon, leave this crummy place, and start fresh in—”

“In where, Flam?” Flim interrupted. “We’ve been chased out of every place from Canterlot to Ponyville. And ever since we had that run in with that mare in Ponyville, we haven’t been able to get a good business going anywhere! Nopony’s willing to hire two con artists who pissed off an Element of Harmony!”

“Well how was I supposed to know that?!” Flam argued back. “Why the buck would an Element of Harmony be living in some backwater town next to the Everfree Forest when she could live in Canterlot? If I had known who she was, I woulda packed up our shop and galloped for the hills! But noooo. It was you who said that she’d be easy pickin’s!”

“Oh-ho-ho, don’t you blame this on me! You were supposed to do reconnaissance, find out the layout of the town, see what ponies liked, AND MAKE SURE WE DON’T PISS OFF A CELEBRITY!”

“Well I’m sorry that nopony in alllllll of Equestria knew any of the Element’s faces until that stupid Gabby Gums article! Yes brother, I’m sorry that I didn’t know something that NOPONY ELSE KNEW!”

Tirek watched with mild interest as the brothers went back and forth, blaming the other for their own shortcomings while claiming complete innocence. For a moment, Tirek was reminded of the petty squabbles he, Chrysalis, and Cozy Glow would often get into when they had joined forces. Hours of time that had been set aside for planning world domination had been filled to the brim with long insults and accusations that ceased any attempts at productivity. Long nights of arguments gave way to bitter mornings of grumblings, before their cycle of arguments would start again later on in the day.

While it would have been amusing to watch an argument like theirs continue, he remembered how far his arguments with the crown less queen and the tyrannical filly would escalate and he had no intention of allowing the brothers to begin hurtling dangerous spells at each other while inside the Cat’s Cradle.

“Sirs, would you—”

“SHUT UP!” The two brothers screamed as their returned to their argument.

Tirek stared dumbly at the arguing twins for a brief moment before a subtle rage began to rise inside of him. He resisted the urge to slam their heads into the counter and completely drain them, but he wasn’t sure how long he could refrain from turning the pair of loud ponies into a snack.

Instead, Tirek decided to restrain his anger, take a deep breath, and shout with the fury of drakaina laying her first egg.

“ENOUGH! BOTH OF YOU STOP SHOUTING!” He roared.

The two suddenly fell silent, pinning their ears against their skulls as they flinched at his powerful voice. The foundation of the bar shook briefly, causing several picture frames and other decorations to fall off the walls and smash against the old floorboards. Once the foundation of the bar had finally settled, Tirek lightly coughed into his fist before he spoke to the twins.

“Better. Now, you two shouldn’t argue, you’re brothers,” Tirek reprimanded them, before he felt a strange presence coil around his heart for a moment. “You shouldn’t waste your time arguing who did what. Instead, you should both learn and move on.”

“Move on? Move on?” Flim repeated. “We don’t have anywhere to move to. All because of him,” he accused as he pointed his hoof at his brother.

“Me? Well—”

“Shut up,” Tirek instantly interrupted. “Let me ask you both a question. Have you tried to take over Equestria?”

“No,” the two chorused.

“Have you done anything that could be considered treasonous to the princesses?”

“No, but we have done a few questionably illegal things,” Flam answered, earning a punch in the barrel from his brother.

“Well, have either of you been caught or tried for those things?”

“Ha! Who do you think we are, a pair of newborn foals?” Flim asked in an arrogant tone. “We’re professionals, not even Princess Celestia herself could catch us.”

“Then do that. Lay low, stick to the shadows, wait for everypony to forget about you. And then, come back with a better plan,” Tirek advised.

“Well what’re we supposed to do for money? It’s hard to lay low without the dough,” Flam incorrectly pointed out. During his time in the past future timeline… thing, Tirek had spent the better part of a year without a bit to his name, hiding with a mix of fortunate alleys and an occasional invisibility spell.

“Then why don’t you try reforming or something. If the princesses could forgive Disc—”

“Don’t say his name!” Flim interrupted before leaning in to whisper to the centaur. “It gives him power.”

“Whatever,” Tirek replied with a roll of his eyes. “Just make everypony think your better like… I don’t know, why don’t you publish a book or something.”

“A book?” Flam parroted.

“Yeah, like… I guess something like a guide to seeing through a con. You’ll appease that book obsessed princess, and then you might be able to fake being, ‘reformed’,” Tirek said, using his two fingers to form quotation marks at the end of his sentence.

“That’s… Actually clever,” Flim admitted.

“What?! You want us to tell ponies how to see a con job? Brother, I don’t know if the last scuffle we were in caused you a bit of brain damage, but we’re conmen. Our livelihood is built on the fact that nopony can see through our cons!” Flam argued.

“Except they already know we’re conning them the moment they see us! Think about it, we’re the best conmen in all of Equestria, riiiight?”

“Naturally.”

“So, we sell a book to hurt the competition out there, make Equestria see us in a better light, and then BAM! Back to conning unsuspecting ponies who fully trust us! And this time, our cons will be bigger, grander, and we won’t put those into the book beforehoof. We’ll have an unlimited supply of ponies to con!” Flim exclaimed.

Flam pondered the idea for a moment, bringing a hoof to his chin as he thought about their new plan. “That could work…. We’ll need an endorsement, somepony everypony already trusts…”

“… Are you thinking what I’m thinking, dear brother of mine,” Flim asked with a mischievous smile.

“Only if you’re thinking about something absolutely brilliant.”

“So, would conning the most honest pony in all of Equestria to get revenge while also building up a growing sense of trust in Equestria to later turn that trust against the populace so that we can bask in fame and glory while laughing at a certain Element of Harmony, count?”

“You know it, dear old brother of mine!” Flam announced as he lifted his refilled glass into the air with his magic. “To… Revenge?”

“I like the sound of that!” Flim agreed as they clinked their glasses to commemorate the beginning of their path to revenge.

Tirek briefly considered giving them a fair warning about not wanting revenge, but shrugged it off in favor of selling the two brothers more of the bar's stock. With luck, he could probably convince them to spend a fair number of bits on their celebration, earning the bar a decent amount of money for upkeep and to partially pay for Nermal's debt. If the twins were so eager to prepare a cold dish of revenge, then the least Tirek could do was give them the liquid confidence they needed to do it.

Chapter 3: A Shoulder to Cry on.

Rain pelted the windows of a rotting bar on a late night in Manehattan.

Tirek’s tired eyes trailed the descent of the rain outside, watching them fall down the window in a familiar pattern. The dull sound of rain hitting the Cat’s Cradle became background noise to the serenade of a stallion on the jukebox singing a merry melody about a brighter future. Tirek found himself unconsciously tapping his finger against the counter in rhythm with the music as he lazily watched the downpour outside.

He considered closing the bar for the night and retiring early with a nice book, but he pushed that thought aside in favor of listening to the song play on the jukebox. The few books that they had on hand were either about alcohol or something that only a degenerate would find stimulating. With nothing but time on his hands, Tirek elected to spend his time behind the counter in the vain hope that a customer would come in. The two unicorns who had come in the night before had spent the rest of their night celebrating their latest scenes over several different brands of drinks.

As the night wore on, Tirek found himself comfortably talking with them about their inventions and devices. He wasn’t quite sure why the two wanted to be conmen when they could easily sell their actual inventions for a great profit, such as their ponyless carriage and the fruit shredding instrument that could make healthy drinks. If they had just sold the designs of their inventions then they’d make a larger profit than they had while trying to con ponies. But, for whatever reason, the two brothers were insistent on being conmen.

Tirek didn’t really care if the two made any good or bad life choices, it was their life and they were free to ruin in any way they saw fit, so long as it didn’t affect him. Whether the two became successful billionaires or debt burdened beggars was of little importance to Tirek. Even if they succeeded, Tirek would never profit from their ill-gotten gains or their rightfully earned bits. They’d move on with their lives, hopefully forget about the strong centaur that worked at the bar, and leave Tirek in peace as he worked to earn a roof over his head.

Just as the song on the jukebox had finished and moved on to the next line up in the track, the bell of the bar chimed to announce a customer. Tirek gave the mare a curious glance as she entered, watching her trudge over the threshold with a sour expression on her muzzle.

Her eyes were obscured by a large wet purple hat that was decorated in colorful stars and cut outs of crescent moons, matching the purple fabric that was draped over her back. Rain water dripped off of her clothing as she trotted into the bar, giving little to no care about the mess she left behind her.

Once she hopped onto the bar stool at the counter, she took off her hat and glared at Tirek’s abdomen before her eyes slowly traveled up it to meet his gaze. Whatever words she had prepared died in her throat as she looked up at the centaur.

“Um… Where’s Dim Light?” The mare asked in a quiet voice.

“Who?”

“The uh… The bartender,” she clarified.

“Oh, he’s gone, and I’m the new bartender. Would you like me to get you something?” Tirek asked as he gestured to the bar’s limited stock of alcoholic drinks.

“… Trixie will have a shot glass with whiskey. Oh, and leave the bottle on the counter,” she politely ordered.

Tirek complied easily with the mare’s order, bringing out a glass of whisky and one of the few shot glasses they had on hand. As soon as he placed them down on the counter, they were instantly snatched away by the azure color of the unicorn’s levitation magic. In a matter of seconds, she uncorked the bottle, filled her glass, and threw her head back to down the whiskey as quickly as she could.

Trixie soon emptied three shot glasses worth of whiskey before throwing off her wet hat and cape and laying them on the stool next to her. The light of her magic faded away from the bottle after she placed it down, allowing her brain to not focus on controlling her magic as she prepared to drink more over the night. There had been a number of unicorns who caused chaos with their magic when they were drunk, and Tirek was mildly thankful that the mare was at least smart enough to know that magic and alcohol didn’t mix well together.

“So, what happened to Dim Light?” She asked as she poured herself a fourth shot with her fore hooves.

“Not sure. My boss just took over a while ago, so that pony probably left the second the owner changed.”

“Hmmm. That sounds like something he’d do,” Trixie shrugged.

“So, are you still going to be a regular even if he’s not here?” Tirek asked as he wiped off a small amount of water from the counter.

“So long as this place has something to drink, then Trixie doesn’t see why she wouldn’t,” she answered before abandoning the shot glass to drink straight from the bottle.

Tirek was impressed, worried, and disgusted by the mare’s decision to forego thee small glass in favor of the bottle itself. With a loud pop, Trixie took her lips off the bottle and slammed it back down on the counter. Her body shuddered as she felt the alcohol flow down her throat and into her stomach, hopefully doing an adequate job of hilling whatever hole had been burrowed in her soul or heart.

“This shitty city is shit,” Trixie claimed as she laid her head down on the counter. “Buck this city, buck the world.”

“Amen to that,” Tirek muttered as he glanced at the slowly growing puddle of rain water that had been building up underneath the stool next to her. He would definitely have to mop it up later, assuming he could find wherever Nermal hid it.

“It’s like… You try to make everypony like you, you try to entertain them, an’ then they blame you for not being good at magic after you give them a free performance. Like, what the buck! Then, you gotta get a job at a rock farm. A rock farm of all bucking places. whooo has a rock farm? I worked my flank off there, and I still don’t get it. Stupid farm and stupid bosses firing me. Stupid wheels, and amulet, and revenge bullshit,” she groaned.

“You do, you do one baaaad thing, an’ suddenly you’re the bad guy. Buuuuuuuuck that. They’re the bad guys, not meee… I’m the good guy,” she whined as tears began to build up in her eyes. “I’m a good guy! I performed for orphans! I donated bits to them! But did that matter in Ponyville? NO! They made me look like a bad mare, and that stupid Gabby Gummy shit made everypony think I’m mean! I’m not mean, I’m a good pony!”

In a flash of movement, her hooves wrapped around Tirek’s abdomen to tightly embrace him as she continued to cry. Her fresh tears stained his suit jacket as she shoved her muscle into is abs.

“WHY DOESN’T ANYPONY LHOOOAVE MEEEEEHH!” She whined as her cries grew in intensity.

Tirek stared at the mare for a few moments before he nervously looked around the bar, his eyes pleading for a sympathetic soul to pry the mare off of him and take the burden on themselves. Without anypony to help him, Tirek was left with the conundrum of either physically forcing the mare off of him and chasing away the only client who could potentially become a regular, or attempt to comfort her and earn a sizable tip for his help.

“Um… There… There?” Tirek said as he lightly patted Trixie’s back.

Unfortunately, his attempt at a comforting gesture failed to stop the freely flowing tears that continued to stain his lime green suit. Tried felt physically sick while hearing her wails echo in the empty bar. Her cries descended into incoherent gibberish that vaguely sounded resembled words making the mare act more hysterical as she struggled to convey her sorrows to the centaur.

Tirek accepted his fate as an oversized tissue and continued to pat the mares back as he counted the passing seconds. At some point, Tirek lost track of time and his thoughts drifted to lingering memories of his past, back to a time when he would have reveled in watching the mare in front of him turn into a sobbing mess of emotional distress. He idly wondered what his old self would have done in his current situation.

He would have taken advantage of the defenseless unicorn and drained her of her magic, amassed power to turn it against the ponies of Equestria, and laughed at the trail of mayhem that was left in his wake. However, it would have accomplished nothing more than a fair amount of property damage in the end. Tirek would have nothing to gain from taking her magic, if anything, it would have been a detriment in the end.

By the time he had tossed all of his thoughts aside, he realized that the blue coated mare had passed out during his self-reflection. After delicately picking the mare up, Tirek laid her down in one of the booths of the bar.

Trixie shivered slightly as he placed her down, prompting Tirek to glance at the soaked fabrics she laid across the stool at the counter. It was still just as wet as her hat was, and there wasn’t much in the bar that could cover her except for Tirek’s own tear stained suit. He wasn’t too sure why one of his first thoughts was to give the mare something to cover herself, but he decided to believe that it was because he was more worried about Cat’s Cradle than the mare. If she had fallen sick then she probably wouldn’t return the next night to spend her bits on more whiskey, and that would be bad for business.

As he decided to take off his stained suit to give Trixie something to warm herself up with, a small triangular medallion fell out of one of his pockets. It was the only thing he had from his homeland, a tool he used to manipulate the spirit of chaos, and his last connection to his brother, Scorpan.

Back in the previous timeline, Tirek had lost the medallion forever after giving it to Discord. He had never found out what the spirit of chaos did with it, and he had never given it much thought even when he returned to a time when he still possessed it.

It was an ancient artifact, one of the few items he had from his homeland when he first invaded Equestria with his brother, the last gift his brother gave him before Tirek was ultimately betrayed by his own blood. It had meant a great deal to him when his brother gave him the medallion, but after his betrayal, it was nothing but a consistent reminder of their past. As Tirek stared at the relic, a small thought in his mind slowly became more prominent.

He could probably sell it for a decent amount of Bits. It meant nothing to him during the thousands of years he spent locked in Tartarus, but it still had a decent monetary value to it.

How ironic that the token of his brother’s betrayal would turn into a possible light of salvation for the old and crumbling bar.

Chapter 4: Well Ain’t That a Kick in The Head.

Tirek found himself struggling to remove a rather stubborn stain from the wall. He had scrubbed the wall for almost half an hour, fighting with an arsenal of cheap soap brands, a bucket of water, and a determination that blinded Tirek to the large amount of time he had spent attempting to clean the bar.

He had already swept the floors, wiped down the counter, cleaned the tables, nailed down the loose board that had been annoying him for the past two weeks, and repaired one of the billiard cues with a thick wrapping of duct tape. All that was left was for him to clean the walls, hide the cracks that were spreading through the exposed support beams, and hang a few pictures to make the bar feel livelier.

While he had been busying himself with his mind-numbing task, the bell above the door rang to alert Tirek of a new casement. Unfortunately, any small amount of joy he had washed away when he turned to see a familiar blue unicorn mare trot in with a sour expression on her face.

Once she sat at the counter of the bar, she stared off into the empty space behind it for a brief moment before she turned to look around the establishment, as if she had only just noticed that the centaur wasn’t behind the counter after she sat down. When her eyes finally landed on Tirek, she glared at him for daring to be anywhere other than behind the counter.

“I want a hard cider,” she ordered, shoving the finished cigarette into the ash tray with enough force to nearly tip it over.

Tirek rolled his eyes as he moved away from his cleaning duties, silently vowing to get rid of the determined stain that refused to disappear. Tirek shuffled delicately into the area behind the counter, careful not to accidentally bump the shelves behind him and cause their entire stock to paint him in alcohol… again.

“So, what poor soul earned your ire this time?” Tirek asked idly as he brought a bottle of hard cider off of the shelf and poured it into a glass for the fuming mare.

“Starlight Glimmer,” she answered, seething in violent anger at the very mention of the unicorn’s name. “I can’t find her anywhere! My drones have been searching for her since I came back, and there’s nothing. It’s like she doesn’t exist! All I’ve managed to find through my spies is a small town where her dad lives, and that’s it! Her father was no help either, he was more interested in some old chairs than the location of my sworn enemy. But, I’ll find her soon, and when I do, I finally exact my revenge!” She boasted.

“Yes, I’m sure it’s veeery interesting,” Tirek sarcastically replied. “So, why are you here talking about it and not at your hive?”

“Because I need a drink and I need somepony to complain to,” Chrysalis answered in a snappy fashion. Her magic wrapped around the glass with an idle shift of her head, allowing her to float the drink to her muzzle with ease.

“And you couldn’t do that at another bar with one of your little bugs?”

“My children wouldn’t understand. They don’t know the things we do, they don’t have an iota of an idea of how much I hate her. You’re the only one who knows why I loathe her and works at a bar. If I reprimand them for not finding her or Throax, they look at me like I’ve lost my mind. Oh, that’s another thing, I can’t find that traitor, Thorax, anywhere either! He’s not connected to the hive mind and he’s been gone for two years. Phyrax keeps insisting that Thorax is dead, but I know he isn’t. He’s out there somewhere, plotting with that unicorn to ruin my hive. And once I find them, I will make them suffer a fate worse than death!

“My children may think I’m becoming paranoid, but I know how important it is to capture those two. They’re more of a threat to my plans that anypony else out there, and since you still refuse to help, I need to attack those two first before I make a move against the princesses. So long as those two are out there, they’ll always be a threat to my plans,” she answered before placing thee glass down and taking another cigarette from her satchel. After seeing a flash of animalistic anger on her face when she peered into the cigarette box he could guess that it was probably one of her last cigarettes.

As if reading his mind, Chrysalis preemptively snapped at Tirek for a comment that never made it past his lips.

“I’M STRESSED OUT, OKAY?!” She reasoned as she lit the last cigarette with her magic. “I have the greatest opportunity to get rid of them both, but I can’t find them anywhere. It’s like they never even existed!”

“Then why don’t you go find Cozy Glow and ask her if she knew anything about Starlight’s past? That filly talked to her a lot, maybe she shared something that you could use,” Tirek reasoned.

The proud queen of the changelings fell silent as she continued smoking her cigarette, taking the time to bask in the quiet air of the bar as she stewed in her own thoughts. Tirek found himself slowly becoming uncomfortable with the loud silence of the bar, waiting patiently for an insult, witty retort, or even a snide comment from the disguised queen.

“… She’s been hospitalized,” Chrysalis repeated with a louder voice.

“Who?”

“Cozy Glow, you idiot. She’s in the hospital,” Chrysalis irritably clarified with an annoyed huff.

“What?! Why, what happened?” Tirek quickly asked. For a brief moment, Tirek was surprised at the tone of his own voice. He had never cared about the filly in their previous life, and he had barely given her or Chrysalis a second thought after he arrived in the past. But for some reason, Tirek actually felt like he cared about the little psychopath.

Before she answered him, Chrysalis decided to stare at the centaur incredulously, as if she were silently mocking his intelligence.

“Are you an actual moron? No, wait, you are… Tirek, we were turned to stone. We all thought we were going to die. Granted, immortals like us don’t have too large of a concern for death, but her… You know how sensitive ponies are, she’s not much different from a normal filly.”

Tirek decided to not say something about her being a “normal filly” and elected to hold his tongue as he listened to Chrysalis.

“After I found out that you were back in the past, I tried to see if the filly did as well. Turns out, her parents took her there after she… Look, I haven’t seen the doctor’s diagnosis yet, but I can’t imagine that it’ll say that she has a clean bill of mental health.”

“… Wow,” Tirek said simply as he struggled to accept what Chrysalis had told him. “So… Is she uh… doing alright in there?” He asked awkwardly.

“Gee. Is she doing alright? I really wonder,” Chrysalis replied sarcastically. Her mocking tone was dropped shortly after as she drank her hard cider. “She’s… Like an entirely different filly. She’s so… Smiley now.”

“Smiley?” Tirek parroted. “What in Tartarus does that mean?”

“I mean she’s… It’s like she’s been infected by friendship or something. It’s creepy! She just hums to herself while she brushes that stupid doll’s mane, and she keeps talking about how she’s a ‘good filly’. It’s… Disturbing.”

Tirek only nodded in silent agreement as he imagined what had happened to the small bundle of evil that he had taught. It was hard for him to imagine that the little filly was struggling with anything considering how she had always exuded confidence that rivaled even the Lord of Chaos. He felt his stomachs turn in on themselves as he pictured the filly locked up in a padded cell with a wide smile on her muzzle.

For a brief moment, Tirek considered taking refuge in the many glass bottles behind himself to try and lessen the growing sickness inside of him. She had always seemed like an unstoppable force, like an annoying bug that you could never step on because it was too fast. Sure, she was annoying but she was also one of the strongest ponies he had met. Not many ponies could brush off getting sent to Tartarus like they were being grounded, and he was certain that not a single pony had, or would ever be able to, achieve as much as she did.

Granted, her achievements didn’t last long, but they would have made her historical. Cozy Glow, the filly that stole all of the magic in Equestria. They probably would have given her a clever title with some silly pun mixed into it. But now, she was simply a child that was locked away in a ward.

After allowing himself to properly think about what had happened to the psychotic filly, Tirek grabbed a clean cup and placed it under the hidden beer taps beneath the counter. With the drink in hand, he raised it up to the disguised queen to give a somber toast.

“To her health, I suppose.”

Chapter 5. A Sight for Sore Eyes

Tirek’s fingers rapped against the wooden counter of the bar as he watched the bell above the door sway with a gentle breeze. It was still a few hours before Princess Celestia would decide to raise the sun. After she finally got off of her fat plot to make sure the world didn’t freeze over, Tirek would be able to trade shifts with his boss.

Business had been slightly increasing during the daytime shift, allowing Tirek to not worry as much that fewer and fewer ponies were coming to the bar each night. He wasn’t entirely sure what had caused business to come to a slow crawl. It wasn’t as if ponies decided to suddenly become abstinent at night or anything, many of the ponies that he initially leached off of were drunk morons that were stumbling home blindly and too drunk to remember reporting a cloaked figure to the authorities.

Something was amiss, and Tirek wasn’t sure what it was. There was nothing in the papers that alluded to a mandatory curfew, and he didn’t remember anything from his past life that would explain the slow nights that came to a mind-numbing crawl.

On a lighter note, Nermal was able to pawn off the medallion that Tirek’s brother gave him. Tirek was fairly certain that Nermal wasn’t paid nearly as much as the medallion was worth, but it was still an arguably decent amount. The only downside of it was that Nermal became very… emotional when he got the money. Needless to say, Tirek never wanted to see an abyssain cry after that, he really didn’t want to have his ears to bleed again.

Nermal was able to resupply the bar, pay off a good deal of his growing debts, and actually pay for an advertisement in a local newspaper. Granted, it was smaller than any other advertisement on the page, but it should have hopefully caught some creature’s attention. More bits for the bar meant more peaceful days of sleeping in the basement, which meant that he could live another day outside of the caverns of Tartarus.

Tirek glanced at the calendar that hung on the wall, silently counting down the days when Discord arrived in the previous timeline. The centaur had lived for almost a year above ground before the draconequus found him, and it would only be ten months until that fateful day would come to pass. Tirek hoped that he would be able to avoid the chaotic chimera in his new timeline, allowing the crimson centaur to amass enough bits to board a ship to another country before the princesses could double their efforts in finding him.

From what Nermal had told him, the Abyssian kingdom had been taken over by a tyrannical king so that was out of the question. The dragon lands were too warm for Tirek’s tastes, the Griffon kingdom was too close to Equestrian, and half of the Hippogriff kingdom was underwater and still hadn’t been revealed to the rest of the world yet. So, with nowhere else to go, Tirek planned to ship himself off to Minotauria to live quietly amongst the bipedal bovine.

As he imagined what pleasures his new life would hold, the sound of the bell brought him away from his fantasies to his bleak reality. Casting an uninterested glance at the door, Tirek saw a yellow earth pony mare in a trench coat and fedora with sunglasses. She eyed her surroundings warily, interrogating each shadow with her eyes as she walked into the bar, as if she had expected a changeling to leap from under the floorboards and ceiling beams.

Tirek couldn’t help but raise a befuddled eyes brow at the mare’s antics. She really couldn’t have been less inconspicuous if she tried. And coming from a giant red centaur, that said a lot.

Being completely oblivious to his mocking thoughts, the mare took a seat at the counter before casting one last glance over her shoulder.

After the mare had made one more futile attempt to interrogate the bar with her eyes, she placed a bag of bits on the counter.

“Whatever’s the most expensive,” she ordered.

Once Tirek made sure that the bits were safely tucked away under the counter, he turned to fulfill her wishes with a bottle of

…
“Any uh… interesting individuals come in lately?”

“A lot of annoyances, but nothing interesting I’m afraid,” he replied casually.

….
“Hmmm… I’m not sure I—“

Tirek was interrupted by a second bag of bits being placed on the counter,

…
“Somepony said that they saw these two around here a while ago. Are you sure you don’t know anything?” She asked as she slightly tilted her head to the bag of bits.

He genuinely didn’t know anything about them, but she didn’t have to know about that.

“Well… I think I remember them talking about this place… Pony Town was it?”

“Ponyville?”

“That’s it, yes. Something about revenge or whatever. I thought it was just drunk ramblings. They said they had a plan but… I just can’t seem to remember it at the moment,” Tirek said, holding out the palm of his hand as he looked away. The sound of more bits hitting the counter had the miraculous effect of grabbing a faint memory of the stallions as he grabbed the bag and tucked it away.

“They’re going after an Element of Harmony and were talking about some sort of newspaper. Whatever they were planning, it sounded like they were going to do it soon,” Tirek answered without missing a beat. It wasn’t a total lie. They had complained about a newspaper and said they had a plan, he just hadn’t bothered to remember it. After they glossed over his idea of publishing a book to make ponies like them, he just allowed them to carry on with their conversations as he continued to raise their tab.
….

Chapter ?:
….
The moon hung over the city of Manehattan like a large eye staring down on them all.

The city was bathed in moonlight,

….
She was a good filly. Cozy Glow was a good filly who would never think about doing anything evil again.

Princess Luna flinched as she listened to the repetitive phrases that played in the young filly’s mind. Memories of being a decoration in Canterlot’s garden laid the foundation of Cozy Glow’s nightmares, mocking her with an inevitable demise that threatened to swallow her whole.

…
“We turned a filly to stone, sister! I may not know why we did it, but it happened. We listened to Discord’s advice and we ended up turning a filly into a decoration in the garden,” Luna argued.

She didn’t want to even think about relying on the chaotic draqonoqus to find Tirek. Of what little remained of Cozy’s sane memories, Luna was able to see how Cozy’s imprisonment and temporary ascension were because of Discor’s stupid plan to teach Twilight a lesson.

Luna was tempted to seal the chaotic spirit back in his stone prison to stop his inevitable schemes, but Celestia refused to punish him for a crime he hadn’t even committed yet.

…
“It doesn’t matter how she returned, sister. What matters is that she’s back, and we have a chance to fix her.”

“Yes, but the fact remains that Cozy Glow may not have been the only one to return,” Celestia reasoned.

…
“Sooooo, you want me to find Tirek then?” Discord asked as he lazily floated around them.

…
“Consider it done,” he announced with a snap of his talons.

Celestia was never prepared for whatever random and chaotic event would happen after Discord snapped his paws or talons. He could have turned into a cloud of colorful bubbles, a window could vomit out a door, or he could simply disappear in a blinding flash of light. However, unlike any other time he snapped his talons, nothing happened.

Discord remained floating in the same position, nervously glancing at his claws before he laughed awkwardly.

“Uh… Heh-heh, I swear, this doesn’t usually happen,” Discord joked as he attempted to snap his talons again.

Just as before, only the sound of air being compressed into a tight space and reverberating through the throne room.

“Um… That’s either really good or really bad…”

Well that’s a surprise
You’re a sight for sore eyes,
ain’t it a kick in the head
because you might drop dead
from dancing on top of a little pin head

The other shoe dropped
as you broke your leg,
you gave it a pull and I swear I heard bells

Well, ain’t a kick in the head?

At least you’ve got a shoulder to cry on
while you’re talking my ear off

Tales From the Trash Bin. (Dani Phantom. Pt. 1)

Tales From the Trash Bin. (Dani Phantom. Pt. 2)

Tales From the Trash Bin. (Scott Howl)

The First Tales From the trash Bin. (Pearl)