Tales From the Trash Bin 18. Hell of a Time in Equestria.

Another abandoned fanfic up for grabs. This idea has been kicking around in my head since before SMOTE and I was going to give it the old college try, but then real college happened. If you think this is interesting and want to take a stab at it, PM me and the story's yours. Otherwise, enjoy these two kite enthusiastic villains.

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You are the kite that hovers above the dark clouds, the conductor of chaos that leads to the key in an old man’s hand… A third kite related reference that makes you sound menacing. You are Kite Man, and… You’re in Equestria… It sounds cooler than it actually is.

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Hell Yeah. What the Hell? Who the Hell are you?! Where the Hell is Equestria? It’s one Hell of a story. Aw, Hell No! To Hell with this! Who the hell are you? Hell hath no fury. One Hell of a ride. Highway to Hell. Hell if I know. I’ll see you in Hell! The road to Hell is paved in Kites. The the Hell just happened? Aw Hell... Hell to pay. Hello, and Goodbye.

Chapter Uno. A Hell of an Entrance.

A light blue kite wafts gracefully in the air above a deathly quiet town.

It doesn’t dance in the air like a lot of ponies would suggest. No, it was more like it was in a seemingly effortless struggle, like a boulder that was in the center of a raging river. It looked like it was effortless, but it was fighting against the wind, battling a force of nature that wanted to rip it off of the string that kept it tethered to the world below.

Starlight Glimmer, the mare behind the string that kissed the sky, stared at her creation as she blatantly ignored the misery around her. The town of ponies, which was called ‘Our Town’ because they had the collective cleverness of a gold fish, was a very dismal place for many reasons.

Firstly, everyone there looks the same, acts the same, and talks the same because screw individuality. Secondly, they’re all hungry, tired, and maybe, just maybe, may have just found out Taco Tuesday was canceled. It wasn’t Starlight’s fault that their shipments from Canterlot weren’t coming any more.

Regardless of Taco Tuesday possibly never coming back, and the fact that pretty much every pony in Our Town was miserable, Starlight Glimmer was having a wonderful day. She had finally gotten a chance to show off her latest pet project, an experimental kite model that had taken her weeks to make, and the weather was nice and sunny, which was the perfect type of weather to take a kite out for a test flight.

Of course, nopony else cared. They were all too busy being miserable and moopy. ‘Boo-hoo, we don’t have any more taco shells,’ ‘wha-whaa, we haven’t had rain in over two months,’ ‘Sweet Celestia, I don’t have any cider left’…. Oh shit, that last one was her. Bucking nobles from Canterlot killing off her supply.

Still, she was high as a kite off of all-natural dopamine at the moment, so the Canterlot nobles could suck her plot for all she cared. All she needed was a kite, a cool summer breeze, and a big open sky.

Without warning, the kite slowly glided to the ground as the wind suddenly died off. Her mood, which mirrored the kite’s trajectory, instantly plummeted as the hoof made art project hit the ground with a soft thud. She decided to glare up at the sky, a perfectly productive use of her time, as she silently cursed the forces of Harmony and Chaos that conspired to not let her have nice things.

As she stared off into the sky, a certain object caught her eye. A green diamond shaped object that was… Screaming? Yeah, those were definitely screams. Oh, and it was also falling really fast.

In a matter of seconds, the strange screaming green blob fell through the thatch roof of a house and, from the sounds of it, may have broken more than the roof.

“… Shit, that’s my house!” Starlight yelled as the rational part of her brain turned on and said, ‘this is weird, REACT MORON!’

Galloping to her house and passing the gathering ponies who saw the thing fall through her roof, Starlight Glimmer shoved open the door to reveal a bloody mess of bones and flesh that was bent at odd angles. The once preteen green diamond had turned into a crumpled tent that only offered a little shade to the groaning creature that had crashed into her house.

The thing that was currently bleeding all over her carpet had also planted itself only a few feet away from the bed, as if to show how close it was to a relatively softer landing. Sadly, her bed was still decorated in thatch and bits of blood, so it, along with her carpets and dresser, weren’t spared from the mangled body of the otherworldly surprise visitor.

Oh, and that battered mess of blood and exposed bones? Yeah, that’s you.

Welcome to Equestria, “Kite Man”.

Chapter Dos. Who the Hell are you?

Having a concussion is probably one of the worst things you can experience, but it allows us to have the chance to review your life in a semi-organic way as you remember who you are and why you smell sour juice.

Your name is Kite Man, professionally at least, your real name is actually Charles Brown. You’re a meteorologist with a masters in engineering who turned to a life of crime after a few, arguably, poor life decisions. Since every villain alias and persona was taken, you capitalized on your love of kites to become a kite themed criminal…. This too, was arguably one of many poor life decisions.

You remember robbing banks, rubbing elbows with other villains, ad bumping uglies with the prettiest plant themed villainess in all of Gotham. Oh right, you were getting married, weren’t you? Then some shit happened, you called off the wedding once the police busted 90% of the guest list, and… Oh, yeah, you got really drunk.

Funnily enough, kites and alcohol don’t mix well. You went to every bar that wasn’t currently swarming with police, decided to take a swan dive off of Wayne Industries, and flew around for most of the night.

Totally weren’t crying, by the way, there was just a bug in your eye… The tears came a bit after the bug thing.

Anyway, you were just brooding a bit about everything that happened when suddenly you were in the middle of the damn desert.

Still a little drunk, and thoroughly confused, you glided on the air and hoped to god that you were close to Vegas. Las Vegas was near a desert, right? At least that was what the movies seemed to imply.

So you flew… And flew… Fuck, you were flying for a while, probably set a personal record or two. But that’s besides the point, you were basically flying for a long ass time when you finally saw a village in the distance, or a hallucination but you were willing to to accept that, and landed.

Well, you actually fell through a thatch roof really hard and ended up blacking out, but you lived…

… Yup, just checked, you’re still alive.

Your eyes crack open as the darkness of your mind allows you to rejoin the waking world. Your vision isn’t piss yellow, so someone must have taken off your goggles. That, or they were crushed by your emergency landing, but that’s semantics.

The rest of your costume is still on, though you notice a lot of it was dyed red by something, mainly around the open tears of your suit. For a brief moment, you think it’s your blood but a quick inspection of your body puts that worry away.

Knees look alright but feel weak, your arms aren’t broken but they are heavy, and you feel obligated to mention your damp palms and your mother’s pasta. Ah, hello concussion, glad to see you survived the fall too.

A quick survey of the room reveals the hole you made with your entrance, a wall that has a faint outline of your bloody imprint, and a trash can next to the bed that was filled with bloody rags and shards from your yellow visor. Huh, guess you’d need to visit Gessepie for a quick repair job.

Dragging yourself out of them, somewhat, small bed, you fight back a light wince in pain as your body decides to remind you why you should be lying down. You weren’t dead but you also weren’t on top of the world, either.

Still, pain never kept you down before, so you pushed through it like a champ and walked over to the door with only a few groans. Oh, the floor’s suddenly coming really close, isn’t it?

“Shit!”

Hitting the floor like a limp kite, you cry out in pain as the wooden floorboards awaken a new level of agony in your ribs. Instinctively, you cloth your burning abdomen as you lay on your side, lightly rocking back and forth as you pray away the pain.

After a few moments of imitating an inchworm stuck on its side, you crawl back to your feet and eventually steady yourself against the door. A hiss of pain passes through your teeth as your arm decides to chime in and reming you how it, like the rest of your body, feels like shit.

“Fuck,” you quietly curse as you shift your weight to pull open the door.

It’s a bit heavier than it looked, or maybe you’re just not as strong as you look. Either way, it takes a considerable amount of effort to open the door, but once you do, the dry air outside hits you like a wave.

The glaring sun forced you to salute the air as you hobbled outside and immediately saw… ponies. At least, they kind of look like ponies, but their proportions were really wrong and a few of them had horns and wings.

You rub your eyes to clear them, as if that simple action would have actually done anything to make this less weird. Unsurprisingly, those cuddly little creeps are still all dragging themselves around, seemingly ignorant to the sole human who was staring at them with a gaping jaw.

If Scarecrow wasn’t dead, you might have thought that he had been experimenting with fear toxins again. But that wouldn’t make sense even if he was alive, you weren’t afraid of ponies. Shit, were you afraid of ponies? Was it like being afraid of clowns and you don’t know you’re afraid of them until one has sex with your mom on your eighth birthday? Shit, DID A HORSE FUCK YOUR MOTHER TOO?!

“Holy shit!” You exclaimed at the sudden mental image of your mom in her equestrian garb.

Unsurprisingly, you caught the attention of pretty much every alien pony in the town, and now they’re staring at you with those big damn eyes. Fuck, they’re suddenly a lot more creepy when their massive pupils dilate.

.... .... .... ....
“Kite-Man, you know… Criminal mastermind, top 100 villains in Gotham,” Technically 101 since Joker wasn’t dead anymore. “I uh… I robbed Gotham Bank?…”

Wow, your evil resume is pretty shit. Though, miraculously, it seems to scare the living daylights out of all the ponies as they take a few steps back.

Hell, even the really pissed off mare looks at you with wide eyed fear.

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Be the most communistic friendly pony around, Starlight Glimmer.

You look at “Kite Man” and… Your brain is kind of melting right now.

A kite themed super villain? That was… No. No, that’s not right. Villains are evil and mean and kites are nice! A cat themed supervillain? Sure, cats are generally evil little demons that kill furniture. A supervillain that decided to dress up like a clown? That’s reasonable, because clowns are fucking terrifying. Heck, even a villain whose whole shtick was a calendar, that makes sense since Daylight savings time was evil. But kites?

Kites were pure, nice, they didn’t hurt anyone. They made sad lonely fillies who didn’t have friends happy on a warm summer day where they could remind themselves that a kite would never leave them like your only friend when suddenly they got their cutie mark and everyone loved them and then they never wrote you back once because they found a whole lot of new cooler friends who’d probably laugh at your hobbies and call you Blankflank and—

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You’re not a mare having an existential crisis, so you must be Kite-Man again.

Blissfully oblivious to the conflicts rolling inside the pink mare’s head, you keep your focus on the crowd of petrified ponies.

Didn’t really get into the supervillain game to make kids cry, or magical ponies from another dimension but that’s semantics. Point is, you were evil but you weren’t ‘make a kid cry and laugh’ evil. Hell that wasn’t even really evil, that was just being an asshole.

Shit, how do you stop a kid from crying? Uhhhh…

“This is a test, isn’t it?” The pink(?) unicorn with bangs asks. “There’s no way there could be a kite themed villain, that’s stupid.”

Ouch, little horse is starting to sound like your parents, your siblings, you doctor, your ex-wife, Batman’s sidekick… Your mail man… That one talking dog… Oh, wow, you just really bummed yourself out.

“Don’t you all see,” the little mare continues as she turns to the others. “

... ... ... ...
You shrugged. “Hey, when you live in Gotham your whole life, you learn to deal with weird stuff like this... Okay, maybe not stuff like this, but you learn to… Not care, I guess?”

“Sweet Celestia, how bad is Goth-ham for it to make you feel that way?”

“Hey, it’s not all bad,” you reassure her. You meant to continue that thought by listing all of the benefits of being a Gothamite but… Yeah, Gotham was a pretty shit place to live. “It had less alien invasions than Metropolis!” You exclaimed.

Why the hell did you never move out of Gotham?

... ... ... ...
You’ll admit, you don’t know much about politics, you’re an American after all, but you’re pretty sure this is communism. Or whatever the hell the pony equivalent might be.

... .... .... .... .... ....
"Wha.. what about." God dammit! There has to be something I can say to convince her. Say something, ANYTHING! "What about the kites!" You blurted out. Starlight seemed to pause as you words echoed in the cave and you decide to continue your bullshit in the vain hopes that it could convince her to not do this. "The... The kites! All those fillies and colts who love to fly kites, the ones whose special talent may revolve around flying kites, what about them? Are you going to destroy their love of kites to do this? The Starlight Glimmer I know wouldn't build a utopia on the shattered corpses of kites and foalhood innocence. Stop while you can, Starlight, please. If not for the kites, if not for the colts and fillies, then can you stop this for me? Can you stop this for a friend?" You desperately pleaded with her.