Announcements and Stuff (Don't Call it a Comeback, I've Been Here for Years) · 3:54pm Jan 18th, 2020
*peeks around corner and grins sheepishly*
Um … hi. So I know I said that I wasn’t planning on just disappearing for a chunk of time again, and that I did disappear anyway. In my defense, I really, really didn’t mean to. *cough*
Okay, so lemme back up here, because I’m not just slinking back with apologies and excuses, I am working again and should have new (in a way) writing to share pretty soon. My updates to current projects on my user page languished for a while, but I’m back to keeping it updated week to week as I work on new stuff. I should have another chapter of Coming Back remastered and online in the coming weeks—I’m actively writing again, but it’s still a little uneven while I get back up to speed, so I’m unsure how long it’s gonna take me—and I have another actually-new project lined up for after that, so things should pick up speed around here without too much further delay. I would have preferred to have these two projects reversed, but rewrites were easier to ease back into, and I thought getting back into writing was more important than what writing it specifically was, so this is how it shook out.
This is where I wanted to be at a while ago, but ended up putting everything on hold for reasons largely outside of my control, because I’ve just had a wild couple of months, y’all. On that front, I have stuff to share, which can partially serve as me making a bunch of excuses for myself, but also because there’s stuff I’d like to share with people.
First and foremost, some of you out there already know this about me from other places I’m at online (or got the hint from the not-so-subtle border around my avatar), but this is my official fimfic coming-out as transgender. So, um, I’m a trans woman. Hi.
… And that’s more or less the opening and closing of that topic, this “announcement” is more of a formality than anything else, I just wanted to have it be out there and then move on. That said, if anyone has any questions for me about it, I am open to talking honestly and frankly about anything, with one exception: I will not debate my own existence. I’ve got some pretty thick skin, so a lot of topics are totally on the table, but that’s a line that I’m drawing in the sand. If you’ve got some Politically Incorrect Opinions about trans folk, hey, whatever, cool, I don’t care, have fun with that. Just keep it to yourself, I’m too old and too busy for that crap in my life and will not hesitate to delete and block.
Anyway, semi-related to that revelation, you might be wondering if I plan on changing much in the way of my presence here, like taking on a new username or writing different sorts of stories or something. For the former, while I’ll be changing my real-life name eventually, I don’t plan on getting rid of “bats.” I still quite like the name and it’s fairly gender neutral, so I don’t really see a reason to change it. For the latter, erm, well, that’s complicated. Some of you out there might have noticed that I used to write a fairly heavy mix of mature-rated stories alongside teen ones, and that I haven’t written a mature one in years. I actually stopped writing mature-rated stories as a side-effect of stuff going on with my gender questioning, so the truth is this has already altered the sorts of stories I write. Also, well, um, some of the stories I’ve written are really obviously about or feature strong themes of gender dysphoria already. So the short answer is no, I don’t plan on changing the sorts of stuff I write about at this point. It’s already pretty deeply enmeshed.
And as a final note before leaving all this boring gender stuff behind us, I’d appreciate the use of she/her pronouns for me, but won’t be a stickler about it for a while. These sorts of things take time to adjust to and I think it’s a little rude to jump down people’s throats about accidental misgendering, especially when they codified you as a different gender for a long time beforehand. Not gonna be a bitch about it if you slip up. But along those lines, I’m going to take obviously intentional misgendering as hostility and will treat it as such. This gets wrapped up in that whole debating-existence thing, you know? I really don’t want this to be a big deal or become every topic of conversation I’m involved in, so just be a human being toward me and there will be virtually zero difference compared to how things were before I came out.
Now then, that was already more than I cared to talk about gender, but it’s important background info for the last few months I’ve had. To finish setting the stage, it’s also important to know that I have been working a lot on self-improvement this year, and looking for a job with health insurance so that I could start transitioning medically. Make sense? Cool.
So shortly after switching over from working on pony to focus on original fiction for a while, I quit smoking. With the exception of a week or two here and there, and a longer stretch about 8 years ago, I have been a fairly consistent cigarette smoker since I was 19 years old. In addition to the general taking-better-care-of-myself goals I’ve had this year, cigarettes and HRT are bad together, so I finally had the motivation to quit. And I did! I’ve been free of cigarettes for over four months now, with no nicotine at all for most of that time. Woo!
Important addendum to that woo: quitting smoking completely killed my ability to write! Double woo!
So … yeah. I quit smoking and got it out of my system, and then got absolutely wrecked by my own anxiety. The whole month of September was a bizarre funhouse world, where I was generally happy with my life and the world, feeling pretty good physically, and absolutely drowning in anxiety and stress. In addition to that specific quitting smoking cocktail, I was also looking for a job switch into something that came with health insurance, as well as struggling with my then-current job as an Uber/Lyft driver, which had been fun and pretty good money but was slowly murdering my car. That stuff did not help with my stress.
In October, it felt like the smoking stuff was all truly behind me, but the job hunt hadn’t been bearing much fruit and I had some unexpected car trouble, all of which handily replaced that smoking stress and turned me into a ticking bomb. This all culminated around Halloween, when I got physically sick, possibly from the stress. Extremely sick. Sick to the point where I was contemplating going into debt in order to go to the hospital, because I was afraid I was dying.
Picking up writing again at that time was not at the top of my list of priorities.
Fortunately, I did recover from the illness, and as if I had wandered through the desert as some sort of biblical penance, I almost immediately got a new job after getting better. It’s a pretty good job, too, with nice pay and benefits. But of course I then had a new job to worry about, so a lot of my mental focus was on keeping up with that and learning the position, as well as adjusting to the different sort of hours it has.
That was mid-November, and after getting through training, getting my permanent schedule, and generally taking time to adjust, here I am, in a much better and more secure place, working a good job with a sunny look toward a future where I can transition and can afford to do so, and I’m writing again. It’s been a crazy few months, but things are finally some form of normal.
This all isn’t really an excuse for going dark again, and I feel bad that it happened even though I really didn’t want it to. I feel even worse about the fact that I’d gone and taken the time to get my original fiction novel finished, and ended up failing at that. As I’m returning to writing now, hopefully at a consistent and sustainable pace, I want to get that finished in addition to the pone words, so it’s gonna take some finagling from me. I appreciate everyone who bore with me through all this junk, and especially those who read this meandery blog. Y’all are the best.
I think I’ve meandered enough now. If anyone’s got questions for me about the trans thing, or anything else really, I’m happy to talk. Leave a comment, or hit me up with a private message if you’d like. I try my best to be friendly.
Anyway, I’m gonna get back to work writing. TTFN.
Glad to have you back
even if it's technically not a "comeback"
Don't look at it as being sorry that you were gone. Look at this as being happy that you're back.
Outlook matters a lot, and we're all glad that yours is now better, no matter what that means.
Congrats, hope you feel better because of it!
wow, shit c.c
Despite what my avatar says, you are a bats I do like, so I'm glad you're okay and on the road to becoming the you you were meant to be! :D
When you get to chapters you haven't written yet, are you gonna have to write them shitty then "remaster" them?
Welcome back!
> This all isn’t really an excuse for going dark
Well, actually, yeah it kind of is. You needed to do multiple important, time consuming, and mentally taxing things in addition to dealing with stress and anxiety from those things. No need to apologise for that. I'd much prefer writing with motivation behind it rather than grinded-out trash words, and above that I prefer people to be happy with their lives more than I need fanfiction to consume.
5188352
Well, Christ, Ech. How else could she do it?
5188352
That is pretty much how I write everything, I write some trash and then try to fix it before asking for edits. My success at making it not-trash is a YMMV sort of thing, though, depending on who you ask.
Proud of you
funnily enough I followed you only a couple days ago, when I noticed your avatar border lol
I’m glad you’re back and excited to see what you make next, whenever you’re ready
Good luck bats, I can't wait to see some new stuff out of you. You're one of the first people I really religiously followed on here.
10/10 would bats again
Hi.
Wow, it was a mistake to post this blog on a day when I was going to be out of the house for most of it and not able to do much responding, huh? Gonna tackle this in groups.
5188267
I've just been rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear.
5188327
I like the sentiment, but it is impossible to not read that as a variation of "I hate to watch you go, but love watching you leave," so I'm going to stop trying to read it differently from that.
5188333
Thanks! I really do feel better these days.
5188345
But for real, thanks, though.
I'm still onto you.
5188354
5188371
I appreciate it, and I'm not kicking myself over things, but it's hard to not still feel a little bad about it. The truth is I feel much better emotionally during periods of my life when I'm writing compared to when I'm not, and I know that about myself very well. Heck, even with my general elevated mood from thing smoothing out and getting easier these last few months, I still feel way better after a few days of writing than I have in months of general happiness. I always assign writing a pretty high priority because it should be a no-brainer, and yet this sort of thing where I wander away like a confused puppy happens all the time. A lot of the reasons are justifiable, both at the time and in hindsight, but I'm still frustrated with myself.
5188372
I could maybe, like, write it good the first time, but that sounds hard.
5188386
Actual new stuff will be forthcoming, hopefully soon. It's nice to just be writing at all again, but I'm really itching to work on something new and shiny.
Thanks.
5188391
I hope it's not too religious a following, I don't want that level of responsibility.
*hides her Church of Latter Day TwiJack pamphlets, whistles innocently*
5188421
Do I want to know what bats means as a verb in this context, because I'm doubtful it has anything to do with baseball.
5188425
Hello!
5188458
Pffft. Pfffffft.
Great to have you back, glad to hear you have your life moving forward on multiple fronts. As a 50-year smoker, I'm so proud of you for getting over that horrible addiction.
5188497
Thank you, I'm glad I quit, too, despite the negatives that came with it. Not at all thrilled that I was a nervous wreck for like a month, nor that I put on the ten pounds that I had lost just before qutting, plus an extra five, but, y'know, those things can be worked on later without smoking anymore.
Seeing as how I never knew anything about your identity in the first place, and just sort of assumed the avatar expressed your RL gender... congratulations on the self-discovery, and hope the flow of stories continues. :)
5188560
Thanks! I hope so, too.
I was going to say congrats, but it seems a little awkward to be celebrating how topsy-turvy your life has been. Best wishes, perhaps?
For what it’s worth, Dana Simpson, cartoonist of Phoebe and Her Unicorn, is also trans, and she got Peter S Beagle and Lauren Faust to write forwards for her first two volumes and is working on her eleventh. So, there is success to be found out there. And of course all of us here think you are successful already!
I still read Spellbound Fireflies every summer when the fireflies come out.
5189034
Thanks! As rocky as some of the time has been since September, it's been on an upward trajectory for the most part, so I'll take a congrats. I might have been high-strung and stressed out, but that all led to me getting somewhere better, so it was worthwhile stress. The low point was definitely getting sick, but I neither died nor went into deep medical debt from it, which any of the uninsured would tell you is a miracle, so no complaints here for that, either.
Oh, I finally see what you've been on about your avatar. I just figured it was too subtle for me to see over in the other place.
5189568
It is pretty subtle on Discord, seeing as avatars are super tiny. It is technically there, though.
I'd be interested in reading some stories dealing with gender dysphoria. Do any in particular feature it? I've read a few of your stories and would love to read more, and this sounds like a good place to start.
5189965
Room For One More off the top of my head.
5189984
Mature/sex combo stories aren't really my thing, but I'll give it a try. Thanks for the reply!
5189990
That one does indeed feature some themes of dysphoria, though it's minor and confined to specific parts of the story. I'd say that Home Grown (which is also mature/sex) is the most overtly about dysphoria story that I've written, with My Mare (also also mature/sex) a close second.
...I'm sorry that all my example stories are mature/sex, you can blame me being mentally closeted and only allowing myself to explore the theme in a place where it was "safe" for me to explore at the time. I do have some ideas for upcoming stories that feature the theme without being explicit, so that'll be something I cover eventually.
5190042
Oh, no need to apologize. I'm just not all that invested in the Mature/sex genre. I've found that most other trans folks seem to have a lot of dysphoria centered around that part of their lives, so it makes sense for the theme to come up there and in other semi-odd places in fiction. I'm out and transitionally medically but I've been completely unable to write a FTM character without making myself uncomfortable and dysphoric. However, I've written enbies and MTF characters with some ease just because there's a degree of separation there that skirts emotionally suckerpunching myself.
5190053
I super get feeling that way about writing it, I don't have much interest with writing characters that are explicitly trans (at the moment anyway) because it makes me feel uncomfortable, too. I've played around with ideas using magic and stuff as a stand-in without making myself too unhappy, because it has the same layer of abstraction for me. Well, I say that, but I did stop writing mature rated stories because it was bothering me deep down, so the abstraction was less than perfect.
5190074
Magical approximations for transition/trans characters as we might know them are a super good stand-in and really interesting. Usually playing around with gender in magical species is a good start for not getting too deep in the topic until it's ready to be addressed, at least from my experience.
Maybe one day I'll get around to a FTM idea. I hope you get to the ones you're comfortable with too.
Welcome back.