Oh Good it Gets Worse (One Extraordinary Time, Chapter 2) · 5:13pm Jun 13th, 2019
Wow, you guys really like seeing me suffer, huh? How... flattering.
Previously, on One Extraordinary Time:
The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. The Yankees. Rudy Giuliani. The Yankees.
And now:
We open chapter two on a completely different character: Freddy Will's dad. This is promising. Maybe he'll actually do something interesting?
Monday, August 20
Frank Will awoke at his Mineola, Long Island home at 5:30 a.m. He was especially excited today; later in the morning he was going to see his son. He started his morning ritual of stretching and jumping jacks to be followed by a three-mile run.
Oh goddammit.
Also, I get the feeling this guy is inspired by Dirty Harry. Take a look at this:
Despite his advanced age of seventy-four, he was in excellent shape. He still had movie star looks; many of his friends told him he looked like Clint Eastwood.
Police work was something Frank Will knew a thing or two about, having been a New York City cop for over thirty-five years, making it up to the level of captain before retiring. He was a tough, no-nonsense cop who never took a sick day.
So—I wasn't expecting much here. Especially not after that last chapter.
Except now we're in a cop drama.
Back then he was working in the homicide division, trying to solve the grisly double murder of liquor store owners Vincent and Mary Disconi in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn. During this botched robbery, the thug got a lousy $20 and took two bottles of vodka. Frank got a tip from a Tony Rondcini, who lived in Bay Ridge. After hearing how the murderer stole two bottles of vodka with an usual red foil, he noticed one of his neighbors sitting on his stoop, drinking from the same bottle.
Detective Will ran the name he was given on the computer, and out came a rap sheet as long as his arm. At twenty-six years of age, Sal Conderi had fourteen arrests and two felony convictions. The city might not have had the money to pay Frank his overtime, but that wasn’t going to stop him from paying this dirt bag a visit.
Gotta love the sudden, no-warning-given shift from exposition to flashback. A classic.
As Frank knocked on the suspect’s door, he heard a crash at the back of the house. He saw Sal running out through the smashed back window. Frank chased him for three city blocks before he got him. The next day he got a search warrant and found one of the bottles of vodka, plus his fingerprints were found at the murder scene.
I know it's presented terribly and I know it doesn't matter but internally I'm still cheering about someone in this story actually doing something interesting.
And then we have a slightly-less-abrupt-but-still-jarring transition back to the present. Boo.
He put down his morning papers as his wife Julia walked into the kitchen and gave him a kiss. Julia still possessed much of her classical beauty despite being close to seventy. She kept in shape by working out and often joined Frank for a jog. She sat at the table next to him, reading her book. An avid reader, she read six books a month. Despite being a retired Columbia University professor, her pace had not slowed down, as she remained active on many committees. Much to Frank’s horror she worked for Hillary Rodham Clinton’s election campaign in 2000. Julia convinced Frank to attend the victory party, and he gritted his teeth the entire evening.
I can't tell if it's because Kaplan wants to make the story feel historically accurate or if he just hates Hilary Clinton, but this is the second time she's been brought up (the first was in reference to Rudy Giuliani).
By the way, all of you aspiring authors out there: this is not how you should introduce a character. Less, more specific, more relevant details if you're going to go the exposition route. I can only take solace in the fact that Kaplan isn't describing the clothes she's wearing, too.
Frank Will had a long memory. Bridges in New York were all free at one time. When he was a boy, Robert Moses was New York’s Parks Commissioner. He became a sort of a czar when it came to building bridges and tunnels in New York. Moses, along with Governor Herbert Lehman, announced the building of the Triborough Bridge, which began the migration of people leaving Manhattan and for the outer boroughs. The good citizens of New York were going to have to pay a five-cent toll to use the bridge. Moses and Lehman assured the public that the toll would be eliminated as soon as the bridge was paid off.
When Frank went off to fight in Korea, he noticed the toll was still there, but now it was a dime and the government was telling the public the toll was needed to pay the cost of maintenance. The toll kept rising from a dime, to fifteen cents, to a quarter, and so on until it reached an obscene four dollars each way. No, Frank Will was not going to pay $4 to ride two miles over the Triborough Bridge. Traffic or no traffic, he was going over the free 59th Street Bridge.
Did I mention that this book is classified on its Amazon page as 'historical fiction'?
This is kind of reminding me of my favourite book of all time, Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions, but it's in the same way that McDonald's kind of reminds you of food. Breakfast of Champions adopts a very rambling style, going on many tangents and historical diatribes over the course of the book and touching on the lives of several characters who barely have a role in the story (it's also fond of giving you the exact length of every male character's penis—I love this book so much).
The difference is that Breakfast of Champions is written by Kurt motherfucking Vonnegut, who knows how to make tangents and diatribes interesting at the time and relevant later. One Extraordinary Time is written by our Mr. Kaplan, who has no idea what he's doing, and so the tangents are boring, have no relation to the plot, and 90% of the time are about the Yankees.
Anyway, I digress. We break out of this diatribe directly into another one about how these two characters met, which then turns into another unannounced flashback.
She met Frank in 1961. He was the lead detective investigating a series of burglaries at the school. When Frank first met her, he was instantly hooked. He had never met such a classy, intelligent, beautiful woman in all his life. Frank solved the case, but he still had to whip up the nerve to ask Julia out for a date. Would an Ivy League professor really be interested in a cop?
Frank went by her classroom and quietly waited for her to finish her lecture. After the class disbursed, Julia thought it was odd to see Frank.
“Good afternoon, Lieutenant Will. Is there anything I can help you with?”
"students disbursed" [sic]. Doing a great job there, Mr. Mrproofreader, sir!
Frank was surprise at the directness of her question,
DOING A GREAT JOB THERE, MR. MRPROOFREADER, SIR!
I'm starting to suspect the editor, whoever that sorry soul was (assuming they exist at all) couldn't make it past the first chapter.
I really don't blame them.
Julia, mildly amused, thanked him. Then Frank stumbled around for a little bit with some idle chatter. He finally said, “Ms. Sutton, do you like baseball?”
No.
She looked at him, perplexed. Frank continued a little more confidently, “I have box seats to the Yankee/Red Sox game this weekend and I would love it if you would attend the game with me.” Julia was speechless. Frank continued, “We’ll be sitting right in front of the action. You’ll be able to see the great Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris up close.”
NO.
Before the game, Julia was amazed when the Yankees came over to talk with Frank. Frank introduced her to Mantle, Maris, Ford, and Yogi Berra. His last precinct in the Bronx would patrol in and around the stadium on game days. During the 1959 and 1960 season, he got to know many of the Yankees quite well, especially Mantle, who Frank knew needed extra security because of his huge popularity. Frank and the other officers would have to clear a path between Mantle and the fans so he could drive his car out of the Yankees’ parking lot. Mantle clearly appreciated the hard work from Frank and the other cops.
NOOOOO.
Even in the past, we cannot escape Kaplan's Yankees obsession.
Oh, and the Yankees win the game. Because of course they do.
I'd also like to highlight this particular turn of phrase:
Julie responded almost as though she had entered the Twilight Zone.
I do this because this is the second time in as many chapters it's been used. I'll be keeping an eye out for more.
They get married a year and a half later. Their wedding is on Thanksgiving. Micky Mantle shows up. I'm starting to wonder if I was wrong about the Dirty Harry thing. This character might just be Mr. Kaplan's self-insert.
Okay, so have you ever been reading something—fanfiction, probably—where you get to one of the author's OCs, and the plot halts so that the author can convey to you the entirety of this character's intricately-crafted backstory?
That's what's happening here. To summarize:
- The two get married.
- They move into an apartment on the Upper West Side, which costs them $120 a month (in 1962, it'd be closer to $1,017.58 a month today).
- Julia writes five books and becomes a feminist icon.
- Frank gets a bunch of awards for his detective work.
- Julia gets pregnant in 1966. Four months later she miscarries.
- Crime and drugs run rampant in NYC.
- Julia gets pregnant again in 1968.
- Julia gives birth to her first child, Vicki, on Feb. 4, 1969.
- Vicki dies a few months later.
- Julia gets depressed. Then she gets better. This is over the course of one twelve line paragraph.
- Julia gets pregnant again at forty and gives birth to our protagonist. Remember him? No? Me neither.
- They buy a house in Mineola, Long Island for $43,000 in 1974 ($223,366.25 today).
- Reagan gets elected president. This is important for some reason.
- Julia hates Reaganomics. Frank, "knowing better", laughs at her as the economy recovers...
When was this published? August of 2014? Eh.
- Ed Koch is elected mayor of New York City and makes New York great again.
- Frank scares Freddy straight by giving him a tour of Rikers Island at age 15.
- Frank locks his son in one of the cells at Rikers for half an hour.
- The narrative treats this as good and effective parenting.
- Julia writes five more books and joins a bunch of clubs.
- Frank meets then-president Clinton in 'the early ninties'.
- They both retire.
- They go to a bunch of Yankees games (no escape).
- The Yankees enter a golden age (NO ESCAPE).
And then, after all that, we cut back to Freddy's perspective with no scene break and no warning so we can find out that he's gone back to the bank and his receipt is still saying that he's a millionaire, but he doesn't think to point this out to anyone. Yeah, remember that plot thread? The premise of the entire book? It finally got mentioned again, guys!
Then, and only then, do we get our first scene break of the chapter. After eleven goddamn pages of straight exposition about the last forty years of these characters' lives. You can just tell Mr. Kaplan had a whole timeline written down in his notes, point-for-point.
Did you get all that? There's going to be a quiz later.
Anyway...
For first time, Freddy gave some thought to his bank account. When he first saw the error he paid no attention to it; he figured they would correct it over the weekend. How could the bank not realize they made an $840 million error? He thought, just for the fun of it, he would ask for ten thousand dollars to see if they would give it to him. Then laughing, he figured it was ridiculous. They would certainly correct it soon enough.
Look! Plot! And we're only one-tenth of the way into the book!
Then it goes away again as he jogs up a bridge to meet his parents in the middle of a traffic jam.
Yaaaaaay.
It takes them exactly fifty-five minutes to escape the bridge. They go to Freddy's apartment.
Julia stood up to walk around the living room. “Freddy, these are some nice pictures but all of them are baseball. Today I am going to buy you some art from the museum gift shop.”
Ahahahaha.
“Do they sell baseball art?” Freddy asked.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA...
They make their way to 88th Street (this is another one of Kaplans' brilliant artistic flourishes: an insistance on naming every single street his characters walk down). Here, Frank comes across, of all things, a museum dedicated to Herbert H. Lehman. I've looked this up and been able to find no evidence that such a thing actually exists; if you live or have lived in New York and know better, I'd love to hear about it. Also, Frank has lived in this city his entire life, and he's never seen this place before? I guess he's just unobservant.
Also, have I mentioned how hard it is to keep track of two characters whose names are Frank and Freddy? Because it's really hard.
Frank noticed a sign in the lobby that suggested a donation of $4 for a tour of the museum—exactly the same cost of the toll on the bridges and tunnels. A young man approached Frank and asked, “Sir would you like to take a tour?”
“Well what are some of the things I would learn on this tour?”
The youngster, brimming with excitement, responded, “Well, Governor Lehman was a real champion of the people. He helped push through minimum wage, unemployment insurance, and public housing, and he advanced the thoroughfare of bridges and tunnels throughout the state of New York.”
Frank, now smirking a little, asked, “Well which bridges did he help get built?” The youth, still excited, answered, “The Triborough Bridge, which is a very important bridge to New York City.”
Frank, now glowing, asked, “You mean that cash cow to the MTA.”
The young man was confused and, looking up to Frank, said, “Sir?”
I TAKE IT BACK IT WAS ALL SO RELEVANT AND WORTH IT HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND.
Frank, feeling he was on a roll, said, “When I was your age, the bridge was a nickel and was supposed to be free once it was paid off. Governor Lehman and his buddy Robert Moses made that promise to us back in the thirties.”
“He did?” the young man said, looking at Frank as though his world had been blown apart.
“Well obviously he did some great things as governor and helped make New York a better place. So here, take my donation,” he said and handed him a $5 bill.
The young man, embarrassed, said, “No, sir. I’m sorry, I have no change.”
“So I guess I’m your first customer. See, if New Yorkers didn’t have to pay $4 to ride over these bridges, they would have money to spend in your museum.” Frank shook his hand and said to him, “Keep the change.”
SO. WORTH IT.
Kaplan sure has it out for Lehman.
What, you've never heard of Herbert H. Lehamn?
Well, he was governor of New York for a while (first Jewish governor of the city), then gave that up early to become director-general of the United Nations Relief and Rehabilitation Administration from 1943 to 1946. Ran for senate twice, got in the second time. Staunch critic of one Joseph McCarthy. Founded a zoo for children in Central Park. Was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1963, which is also the year he died. There's a town in Israel named after him. If you're an American citizen, you may be able to find an excerpt from one of his speeches on page 45 of your passport.
Oh, and he raised bridge tolls.
What a monster.
They soon made their way to the Natural Design Museum and headed to Michelangelo’s rare drawing, as a big crowd surrounded the exhibit. To Frank’s horror, one of the people in that crowd was Pamela Duff. He considered her crude, loud, and obnoxious, and those were her better traits. She was now Senator Clinton’s head of staff in her Washington Office.
Oh hey, we're talking Clinton again. Remember, this is 2001 Clinton, being written in the context of 2014 Clinton.
Frank had listened to all he could stand. He and Freddy walked to a nearby exhibit as Julia and Pamela continued talking. Frank grumbled to Freddy, “New Yorkers used to have pride. If we are going to elect a democrat, let it be one who is a real New Yorker, not this carpet-bagging phony. This never would have happened in the past.”
Can you tell that Frank is a republican yet? I think he might be a republican, guys!
They go to the MoMA and thankfully the scene ends. The next scene picks up with them... in the MoMA.
I don't think Mr. Kaplan understands how scene breaks work. Then again, I've been guilty of this too, so, glass houses and whatnot. Afterwards, they go to... China... Wok.
Oh god.
Oh god we're back at the restaurant.
Also apparently Freddy makes more working as a waiter than his dad did as a cop or most of the professors at Columbia. I know teaching pays shit-all, but, like, really?
We get a bit of Mr. Wong's backstory, in which his family walks over six hundred miles to flee the communist regime in China, bribing border guards and scrounging up just enough to make it to America. It's actually rather touching... or would be if it wasn't directly told to us by the narrator. Still, I appreciate what you were going for, Mr. Kaplan.
They talk communism and old politics for a while. We get told that Julia is now happy that her son works at China Wok, which is strange, considering there was no mention of this before, but... character development?
If my son were making more than I or my husband ever did across our entire careers with less hours in a good workplace, I'd be pretty damn proud. Just saying.
They leave at midnight. The narrator earlier stated that they entered at 7:30, so they were there for four and a half hours. That must be some damn good Chinese food. Also, his parents are in their seventies. My dad's a decade younger and he can barely make it to 11:00.
And then, because of course it does, the chapter finally ends on Frank inviting the kitchen staff to a Yankees game.
I have to say: I was not expecting this chapter to be worse than the last one. Congratulations, Mr. Kaplan, you continue to subvert my expectations. And still no progress on the actual plot of the book!
And I have a headache now. Goddammit.
See you all tomorrow.
Of course, since it was an usual red foil, Frank dismissed it as a coincidence. There were probably millions of similar bottles throughout the city.
Mrproofreader Editing: We care about your story just as much as you do.
No one had really thought to look until that point.
Are we ever given any behavior on Freddy's part that justifies this in Frank's mind, or did he just do it for kicks?
I'd suspect mob involvement. That would not preclude pride, mind you.
My goodness this got political quickly. And I can almost admire the way each chapter gives a passing nod to the actual plot before delving into more irrelevant minutae. Almost as though Mr. Kaplan is saying, "Oh yes, I know why you're here, but I'm not through telling you just how much I love the Yankees."
It's not so much that I enjoy your suffering is it that I enjoy the way you talk about this crappy bit of fiction. Your suffering is just a bonus.
I feel you were a little unfair in that recap. Should have been a "Bank error of adding a few zero's but not important", "slice of life blander than an unsalted cracker" and maybe one other thing in all of those "The Yankees".
And FoME beat me to the comment about the "usual/unusual" mistake.
Low blow to McDonald's there. It really is food, just not good food. Anything you can chew, swallow and gain at least some nutrients from is food. Even if the amount of nutrients you get from it is less than the amount your body uses to break it down, I'm looking at you celery.
Well, I'm sure the students were indeed paying tuition but I agree in how I don't don't see how it is relevant at that point in time.
I can already hear your brain breaking. Do you think you'll be able to make it through the other chapters?
Was going to point out that typo, but others already have.
Minimum wage in NYC is now $15/hour so maybe he DOES make more than his father
I'm only now reading through these and just...
Thank you so much for suffering for our entertainment XD
As much as I regret having you revisit this tome, even in memory, do you recall whether the mother corrected for inflation?
5089869
It actually never actually gives us an amount in the first place:
5089878
Thanks!