Sunshine, Speak, and emotionally deep conversations with your boyfriend at 4am · 8:52pm Sep 24th, 2018
This is a song with the same four chords
I use most of the time
When I've got something on my mind
And I don't want to squander the moment
Trying to come up with a better way
To say what I want to say - "You Were Cool" by The Mountain Goats
So I actually took a vacation (which is super weird for me) to visit my boyfriend down in Albuquerque, and... it was full of very interesting experiences. I loved it, and it was wonderful to see that bright thing in the sky that I am informed is called the 'sun', considering that we're starting to get into the rainy season in the Pacific NW. I got to meet several of Ebon Quill's friends and family, and had a great time being a drop in character in a Call of Cthulu game and DnD 5e game. Because both of us are super huge nerds.
Honestly though, the highlight of the trip I think was a conversation he and I had at 4am.
For some background, Ebon has a lot of experience reading body language, and were it not for some life fuckery, probably would have also become a therapist. Every now and then he talks about becoming one, though goddess Luna help any children we might adopt if they had both parents with degrees in psychology. Some days I think that, if we stay together and do end up trying to figure out how the adoption process works, it may be better for the sanity of those children if he continues with getting his law degree.
Anyways, as a consequence, he is super good at picking up things that I am doing when I'm either trying to hide stuff, trying to figure out something emotionally, or, more to the point, often does this weird thing where he becomes an emotional barometre for me. Which... probably sounds weird, because like, I spend my life steeped in the emotions of other people. As a highly empathic individual, it's a nigh constant thing for me. However... I often find myself in the situation of 'it is far easier to clean someone else's home than your own.' Which I am positive has not influenced the way that I write Threnody at all!
Because part of the consequence of being empathic is that I struggle a lot with allowing myself to override my wants, desires, and needs in lieu of someone else. Partially because my parents basically raised me to subvert all of my feelings in order to try to manage my sister's emotions (because I was the calm, pliable child and she wasn't) and partially because I built up this thing in my head where I have to be better because I feel the feelings of others so strongly. It's... really dumb, to be honest and I mean that in a non-deprecating way. I realise that it is something that has gotten me to do some pretty stupid shit for reasons that, after the fact, made no sense.
Which gets us to a discussion at 4am. I'm pretty sure by this point most of the people who regularly read this understand that I kind of had a messed up childhood. Not to the degree of Threnody's stuff, but enough that having any sort of intimate relationship is... difficult on a partner? It's part of what I appreciate so much about Ebon. He's incredibly patient with me, and... that can come as a blessing for someone who struggled as a child with selective mutism, and as an adult has a hell of a time expressing herself when things are emotionally charged and scary. But regardless, that makes it so that sometimes I'll have these moments when topics come up that I'll just get... really hurt and will push away.
Which Ebon picked up on. We were talking about childhood stuff and why I hate the phrase 'I love you'. I... think I blogged about this before, but in case I didn't and you all thought I was just riffing on Violet Evergarden, OH BOY WOULD YOU BE WRONG. The phrase "I love you" scares the shit out of me. I... refuse to say it for the most part. Which has caused an insane amount of stress on Ebon, until I kinda explained it.
To me, I love you is the phrase you use when you want someone to do something, then are going to emotionally manipulate them to get them to do what you want. "I love you, but that's not how the little girl I love behaves" was a favourite phrase my mom would use at home. I swear I don't have mommy issues It worked super well on me because, to be honest, I've spent most of my life with this sense of not being wanted. I'm an adoptee, and while I know my birthmom, I have had this constant fear in the back of my mind that I'm really not wanted and am just a replacement. A replacement for the child my mom couldn't have. A replacement for the friend that isn't present right now that you'd rather be talking to. Replaceable enough that my biological dad never wanted to have anything to do with me. I also swear I don't have daddy issues That said, I did reach out to him and decided that I didn't want to have anything to do with him, but... that's me doing the ADHD rambling thing and getting off topic again.
But there was something that Ebon said in that conversation at 4am while I was crying into his chest because of how hard it was to hear him say "I love you" and me being full of this boiling water of emotions around it. Because I... care about him so much. So much that it hurts. Especially when I'm sitting in the airport in 'burque waiting for a flight that won't be boarding for almost 3 hours and he's stuck at work and I am going to have to go back to being a thousand miles away. But... despite that care and good feelings and desire to be with him, saying... saying I love you scares me. Because at its core, I am scared to use that phrase on someone. Not because it's not true, but because I don't want them to think I'm replaceable. I know that's my damage, and it's on my lengthy to do list while I'm in therapy, but it is something that I... really want to work on.
Because like Threnody, I had my childhood more or less stolen from me by events beyond my control. But... also like Ebon said that night while holding me and letting me cry, sometimes what we need to do is realise that we do have the strength to close the door on that damaged childhood, and work through it. It's not going to fix it. It's not going to go away. But we don't have to exist in it.
I... don't know how to do that yet.
But like Threnody, I'm trying to figure that out every day.
Reading you is really a lot like listening to myself, most of the time. It's fairly uncanny.
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I'm noticing a trend where broken children tend to gravitate towards helping others. Seeing myself in a lot of Heart's work, not to mention several therapists I've had over the years...
I'm terrible at being a cheerleader and my pep talks usually end up sounding more like preemptive apologies. That point aside, if you look to the west in the vague direction of Oceania and could climb to a height of eye great enough to see past Hawaii then you would notice a tiny speck on the horizon flailing about with its arms. That would be me trying to spell out "You Can Do It!" in semaphore.
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I appreciate it nonetheless, Kai! Honest.
You also have one of my favourite comments that I have on Secret Keepers, so... thank you.
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Either that or a more simple 'like attracts like'. Every single one of these blog posts is like a window into my own heart, if not because of something shared, but because of something it makes me think of.
Like the whole 'I love you' thing... I can't say it easily either. But not for the same reasons. This is more closely tied to my anxiety for me, where I'm afraid of 'putting myself out there' in general (even if I know there's no danger...), but also because I've been in a large number of extremely messy failed relationships. It's easier for me to type it than say it, and even then I've taken to 'cheating' by saying 'wuv' instead of 'love', because to my brain that's easier. And I still don't quite understand all the intricacies to it, either.
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That makes sense though, on a lot of levels. I've noticed
read: intellectually understandthat it's a super important phrase in our culture. Which isn't a bad thing! I think... that a lot of people have a great deal of value to those words. But... I can also see why if you've been hurt, it gets harder and harder to say. Especially if you've said it before to someone and they said it then changed their minds.4943213
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I just don't say it. My few friends know and accept that I'm a very almost robotic person. My fewer best friends know that I have a "public smile" that's fake, and my real contented/happy expression is a tiny smirk.
One word is too often profaned
For me to profane it,
One feeling too falsely disdained
For thee to disdain it;
One hope is too like despair
For prudence to smother,
And pity from thee more dear
Than that from another.
I can give not what men call love,
But wilt thou accept not
The worship the heart lifts above
And the Heavens reject not—
The desire of the moth for the star,
Of the night for the morrow,
The devotion to something afar
From the sphere of our sorrow?
--Percy Bysshe Shelley (the bride of Frankenstein)
I must admit, seeing these blogs is....insightful, in a way, fragments of what you write make me ponder on my own state of mind, not to say I could begin to understand, but seeing these blogs, it's...comforting. I hate therapy, not that I hate those who want to pursue such interests, but I have a huge unnerving paranoia of people trying to dig their way into my mind and emotions, thanks to my therapist from long ago, that's how my mind perceives them, and its a serious....issue of mine, stacked upon others, but reading these blogs is more......clear to me, if that makes sense, on how I can begin to understand my own mind myself.
Hope this didn't sound stupid, its hard for me to really express myself in words.
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I'm not so great at it either. I can speak in so many pulchritudinous words to help others find ways to express themselves, but trying to do that for myself is... not an easy task. That said, I'm glad to hear that my ramblings are helpful to more than just me. And I'm sorry to hear you had a negative experience with a therapist. I wish there weren't people practicing who shouldn't be, but... there are and the best I can do is try to repair the damage done.
Thanks for sharing! You always have awesome words (both fiction and bloggy), and they're super helpful to read, and process my own stuff.
Well, I'm afraid I don't seem to be having much luck thinking of a good, substantive reply to this, but I'm glad it sounds like these ramblings are helpful to you. :)
Heart...
You're not replaceable. I don't know another person whose posts i would have liked to read as much as yours.
Also have problem with "I love you" thing. It was always like too big a feeling for me, and when i said it, i felt like a liar. Like i can't really love something or someone. Love to that grade, when you're making things like a hundred times more stupid than usually, which is what people who really love usually do. I didn't do stupid for a very long time. I blamed myself when i did.
All my life I've said it to my parents so frequently that 'I love you' virtually became synonymous with 'hello' and 'goodbye'; but whenever I've been in the position to say it to any other person (even my other close relatives) 'I love you' feels as embarrassing to me as accidentally calling a teacher 'Mom'. What you typed about the phrase being used for manipulation also really connected with me, except that for me it's a persistent fear that I'm the one that only ever interacts with others to make them do something for me.
Thanks for sharing, Heartshine, and it's good to hear that you've got someone that knows you like you need them to, and is emotionally present even when you have to be far apart.
*Spends 5-10 min. trying to figure out response/feelings*
...you know, I love reading these. I'd at least like to think that I'm mostly kinda emotionally healthy pay no attention to the several conditional words and phrases used because I know damn well having a small self esteem, at least in regards to being a good person overall, and the weekly if not daily habit of staying up til the wee hours of the morning to do work you should've done a half week earlier when you got it, but still don't do it and read instead
Thing is, kinda like "I love you" is for you, I don't like being hugged, generally, or even touched. Or, rather, I have to initiate it, such as a hug saying hello, or goodbye. You see, when I was little-oh, say, starting at 6 or 7 years old and ending I don't know when, my older brother I recently looked at pictures from a trip to Yellowstone when I was 7 or so, and he's hugging me in every. Single. Picture. Fairly quickly, it got to a point where I not only dreaded, but hated the prospect of being hugged as a sign of affection. As we got older, it became bearable, but after you first mentioned you problem, it got me thinking about that. Thankfully it hasn't been a problem yet, but I still screws with me thinking about that.
Ah, i knew there was a reason i could read your writing so easily, and why i wished so hard that Threnody was a real person i could talk to. Relating to your writing has been so easy, and honestly i almost cried when i knew someone understood similar hardships.
I will try not to go to far into detail. but as an empathic person with a fair amount of emotional/psychological baggage myself, i can understand how it will stress relationships and drive you crazy. I've learned If you have someone understanding to stand by your side, whether literally or figuratively, you can gradually improve. And most importantly be happy.
Honestly, i wracked my brain for quite some time trying to figure out what to put here, or if i should even post anything... But i wanted to say that the phrase "i love you" is a phrase that has a different meaning for each person. By itself it means nothing anymore. It's just a set of words strung together that became important to people so they can convey something universally felt but so infuriating to explain. If the affection is truly there, then you need to find your own way to say it. Honestly i always had trouble with it myself for... various reasons. I remember i told my girlfriend that my affection was only for her. It sounded so silly and i felt so stupid for saying it. But i refused to use a phrase that had become, at the time, seemingly poisonous for me.
I guess what i initially wanted to say with this is I'm rooting for you, and wish you well. I hope i can get at least some of this across, I've always had trouble with conveying my feelings correctly. And this wasn't supposed to end up so large of a comment...
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I... put a lot more of myself into Threnody that I probably should admit, and, to be honest, am comfortable admitting. That said, I am glad I've written a relatable character that people care about. Even if sometimes I'm sure that reading Threnody gets into 2meirl4meirl territory at times.
I really like meeting and talking to other empathic people. They're... always kind, but in some ways I think we're somewhat... bent as people. When you feel too much you get a weird perspective on life. I'm glad that you were able to work through some of your stuff, and that it sounds like you have a significant relationship that is keeping you level. So... what I'm trying to say in a super awkward way is thank you.