Feeling Awkward: A NU START · 5:33pm Jun 26th, 2018
These last few weeks have been overwhelming, and not just from the busyness of the new house. In trying to make something of “a nu start” here, I've been diving head-on into some old anxieties, which is never entirely smooth.
I was trying to think of a different Arrested Development joke here, but I probably just blue my chance to use it
As background: our move several weeks ago went well, and we've actually been making more IRL connections just by virtue of having a space that works a lot better for our family. We hang out more together, we do more things with people… heck, my wife and I have even been spending more time talking, which has led to us going back and working through some stuff that's cropped up between us in recent years.
Some of the stuff we've been reconnecting about has been really painful to revisit, though. I said a long time ago that I came to Pony during a dark point in my life where things weren't making much sense otherwise. It's healthy and good to confront that stuff again, and to do so along with her. Some of those things have contributed to a lot more distance between us than either of us ever wanted. And even though there's still both distance and hesitation, I think we're starting to figure out what we both need and how we can help each other with those things.
As I've been trying to tear down my own anxiety and fear around that process, though, I've found those things popping up at odd intervals elsewhere in life. Like I've specifically had a hard time reaching out to Pony. It's not because I don't care or don't want to stay connected. If anything, it's probably because Pony and the community and my friends here have very much helped me survive and “walk wounded” these last few years, and now I'm trying to get down to the root of things instead of letting Pony help carry me through it.
Just to stop and linger on that: you guys have, in all seriousness, played a big role in helping to keep me alive and open to joy in my life for the last little while. I feel guilty (or awkward) saying that, because it's not something I asked of you, or that you agreed to, or that I expected to have happen… and there are plenty of things and people who I didn't take that support from that I probably should've. In truth, this all probably came as a result of me being my own worst enemy as I struggled to navigate some big life changes a few years ago. I didn't do a good job of handling those, and I've spent a long time wishing I could blame someone else for that, but I can't really. It's just a matter now of picking up those pieces and figuring out how to live better and actually balance things, rather than abandoning the prospect of balance and closer connection with those around me.
I'll tell ya, though, something that helped open me up to all this stuff was finishing the beta draft of To Serve In Hell. I ripped through the rest of the alpha edits right after getting internet back at the new place, and right before getting pulled into all this recent stuff. Oof, and talk about painful… the last 2 chapters of Hell are just gutting experiences for me every time I go back through them. But getting it done finally let me stop and think about how I would boil down the story into a sentence or two about its themes, and I realized how much of a mirror it holds up to my own mismanagement of stress and difficulty these last few years. Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Sassy Saddles each start the story as different kinds of “walking wounded,” and each end at different places with recovery from that… or not. One finds redemption; one finds healing; but one finds only deeper darkness. And it's a brutal read. Tragic, even, in the proper sense of the word.
I don't want to let my life descend into that same kind of darkness. I think my path has been one of seeing too much of some bad things in life to hold just within myself, but then failing to reach out and connect with those around me in a way that lets me both support others and get support. It's an unhealthy view of responsibility and love to keep taking things in and keep silent about them, thus letting needs bubble up and out in weird and desperate ways when the pressure grows too great. I mean, as much as I love friendship and the core messages of MLP, the truth is that I'm often pretty crappy at living them. Some of that comes from the difficulty of balancing kids and jobs and relationships and sleep time with literally anything else. But the biggest set of problems, and therefore also opportunities, comes from within.
Because the irony is that I'm still doing it now. I've been running and hiding and spending time thinking alone when what I need to do is open up and be there more with others. And yet to do that in a way that isn't overwhelming for others to be around.
I'm sorry. And I'm trying.
Congratulations on working through issues. May it reap dividends for your mental health!
Some Paragon (Hammer of the Gods):
I am certainly glad you are doing well. From what you have said previously, it has been quite a wild ride.
Here is hoping you, your wife, and the rest of your family and friends have an ever stronger and closer relationship
Well, I was out of sorts for almost a year due to my own issues. And I can attest from personal experience, that letting issues fester until they boil over never ends well. Of course, the hardest part is talking to others about it, and figuring who you actually can talk to about such things.
I’ll say that no matter what anyone else says, I’ve found that it is very difficult to get out of mine own head. Seemingly impossible. But it had to be done, and I managed somehow.
I hope you’re able to break that barrier.
I'm glad to hear your move went well and that you're connecting more with your wife again. I've learned from much personal experience that it's far better to talk things out than to let problems fester. I hope things only improve for you from here. The road to recovery is a rough one. It's not straight; it has twists and hills and valleys… and you might have to ford a river from time to time.
As to Pony and writing and working within this community to stay sane and work through issues, well... You probably already know what I would say, so I really don't need to say anything. I'm far from out of the woods. Chances are I'll never be. Nevertheless, I persist, despite myself, finding the occasional clearing through which I can see the sky. Sometimes it's raining, like just a couple hours ago. Metaphor? I don't remember.
However, I will thank you for the help, personal and authorial, you've given me. Take care.
I can sort of relate, though I can hardly imagine what it's like to have a family to take care of on top of everything else. But thank goodness for ponies, and thank goodness for hobby-writing. They really are the cheapest therapy.
I can attest that when you conquer such deep-seated problems, it is like a great weight off the shoulders. But be warned: running out of emotional baggage can lead to writer's block, since one must then find new sources of inspiration.
Keep it up, and remember, we're all pulling for you.
I wish you the best of luck
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So far it's been slow, but it seems to be happening!
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For sheer enjoyability I usually end up wanting to put on Chalice of Steel or Law of the Blade, though it's tough to start talking about one of their albums without singing the praises of all of them. Except for Screenslaves, which has decent enough songs that are hobbled by some kind of borderline-unlistenable vocal doubling. 
Ooooo, I forget, have I mentioned I love Paragon?
Ah, and yeah, much of my past year has involved an unexpected detour through Weird Crapsville. But apart from some specific medical stuff, it's largely been things that were bubbling beneath the surface that have finally been surfacing and getting dealt with. So in a lot of ways that's good, even though it's not great, if that makes sense?
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I am working on it. It keeps being harder than I think it should be. I'm in this weird state where I'm functional enough to get through the essential bits of a day, but then I'll be too nervous or drained at the end to do or look at stuff that I want to need to. That's always been with me in various forms, but lately it's been showing itself more and more.
I'm trying to dig out. Which reminds me, Ciderfest tickets are still on their early bird sale through today.
I didn't expect all this crap to come up like it did; I'm sorry I imploded in this last little bit, but I have no intention of staying that way. More and more I'm realizing that my fear that my wife is going to shut it down somehow is coming much more from the anxiety than anything she's actually said. But then I'm also the guy who sits and writes Pony in the middle of the night, not because I would need to, but because the anxiety has pushed me to withdraw and hide. Getting out, being with people, and just playing for a weekend sounds like the best thing ever right now.
Ironically I have very few problems with stuff like this in live social interactions. If anything, once I get comfortable, I tend to be more of a Pinkie Pie.
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I appreciate being in good company with all this.
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Egad, so healing is writing Kryptonite.
Oh well, still worth it.
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It is appreciated!
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your welcome ^_^
As others have said I'm glad that your family life is improving. It's always good when one's home can be a refuge from the storms that blow outside. All relationships require maintenance and work, especially when those people mean a bunch to you. Admittedly this can be in different ways but, it's what it is.
I somehow don't think anyone will fault you for, to paraphrase you, not living up to the messages of friendship as shown on the show. We all have our eccentricities, burdens, etc. that we deal with. Sometimes we get to much in our heads and let those things weigh us down. It's very human. We all fall short of grace and we all fall short of being perfect friends too. However, it's the trying that matters and you're doing that. It means something.
I'm sure you'll figure it out to one end or another. On the plus side it's a long life and there will be numerous opportunities to do so.
All the best.
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Oops, didn't reply already...
Thanks man, you've got some good perspective. It's hard to believe I wrote all this a month ago; feels like a million years full of working on these and related issues.