Comma Comma Corrected - RR.CLV · 12:54am Mar 19th, 2017
IN WHICH I RUIN MY OWN JOKE
After a psychologically tough day yesterday, I really didn't feel like going outside today no matter how nice it is. Also, on nice weekends, the parks tend to be overcrowded, and I prefer more solitude; that's why I go on weekdays. I also promised I would spend part of today going over a friend(?)'s fic before it begins posting on Monday. There WILL be a signal boost post from me about the story. I've been excited about it for over a month -- a fairly big deal, as I don't get excited about much -- and I think you'll understand why once it's out, I hope.
Seriously, I want to see it make the Featured box.
Anyway, please follow me past the jump for possibly the dumbest thing I will ever do on this site (which is really saying something): Comma Comma… with all the commas and semicolons restored.
COMMA COMMA - Down Dooby-doo Down Down
By the authority vested in Myself as Ruler of Equestria,
I, Princess Celestia, hereby effective immediately ban the use of the vile accursed mockeries known as the Comma and the Semicolon.
Violators will be put to Desu!“What in the—? What does that even mean?!” asked Twilight when she saw the official notice posted on Ponyville’s community bulletin board.
“Is there a problem?” Spike asked, clearly unaware of the extreme upheaval this would cause within the writing world, as they walked the couple hundred yards back to Golden Oaks Library.
“Of course there is!” Twilight near-screamed. “The comma is a vital part of writing – it aids in understanding language – and the semicolon is a way for smart ponies like myself to prove we’re better than the filthy rabble by showcasing its correct use.”
“So, is that it?” Spike asked, clearly not buying it, because he did not write unless one counts dictation… except for the times when he did indeed write to Celestia independently, but that isn’t important at the moment because the two reached the massive hollowed-out tree containing the library and let themselves in.
“No that’s not it!” insisted Twilight as she gesticulated wildly. “If we don’t have commas, we can’t separate clauses of sentences or section off lists, and that’s to say nothing of the vitality of the Canterlot Academy Comma!”
Spike was utterly confused at this point. “What the hay is the Academy Comma?”
“I’m glad you asked!” Twilight said with that air of smug superiority that made most of Ponyville secretly hate her. “The Academy Comma is the final comma before the end of a list. The major newspaper publishing firms hate it for some reason; their style guide mandates leaving it out, but it is vital to understanding. It keeps ‘We had a party with the fillies, Big Mac, and Spike’ from looking like ‘We had a party with the fillies, Big Mac and Spike’. You see?”
“No, I literally don’t,” Spike replied. “You just wrote out those two sentences and they looked exactly the same.”
“Well of course they did!” Twilight yelled. “Princess Celestia banned the comma! I can’t use it! On penalty of Desu! And I don’t even know what that is, but you know it can’t be good!”
“And you’re just going to sit there and do whatever Princess Celestia orders you to do, no matter how stupid?”
“Spike, you’re lucky I don’t zap you into dust right where you stand for saying that,” Twilight growled as her left eye twitched involuntarily. “Princess Celestia is our ruler and greatest pony ever; in fact, she is beyond mere mortals like us, so we are duty-bound to do whatever she says, no matter how much we may disagree! Or never! I-I never disagree with the Princess!” she babbled as her pupils shrank, darting side to side.
Spike sighed. “Twilight, I hate to say this, but you sound like an insane fanatic right now. I think it might be a good idea to go to Canterlot and just ask Princess Celestia why she made this decree.”
Twilight grumbled as she paced around the floor of the library, but after several minutes realized Spike had a point. She could and probably would punish him for his insolence later.
They made their way down Ponyville’s main thoroughfare to the train station, whereupon they found what could best be described as a smouldering crater that smelled like burnt raisins.
“What happened here?” Twilight asked the conductor.
“It all went down so fast…” the conductor replied. “I said my normal, ‘The Friendship Express Train is eastbound for Canterlot, Baltimare, Fillydelphia, and Manehattan’. Then it shuddered for a few seconds and exploded. I barely got out alive.”
Twilight muttered, “Logic bomb.”
“That’s awful!” Spike said, in stark contrast to Twilight’s annoyed scowl. “How many didn’t make it?”
“None, actually; the train was empty” said the conductor.
“What about the engineer?” asked Spike.
“Oh yeah, him,” the conductor smacked his forehead through his fancy cap. “He’s probably somewhere.”
Out from the heart of the crater, the faint voice of the engineer called out, “I’m not dead! I feel fine! Think I’ll go for a walk.”
“So Twilight, how are we going to get to Canterlot now?” asked Spike, clearly worried and becoming increasingly annoyed.
A massive gust of wind heralding an impossibly brilliant gold light suddenly tore through the station. Once Twilight and Spike regained their bearings, they found themselves face to face with Princess Celestia herself. Unusually, she wore a pair of tinted sunglasses. Her mouth was lined with tiny wrinkles suggesting a great degree of frowning in recent days. Naturally, Twilight immediately kowtowed. Spike refused until Twilight used a reworked levitation spell to slam him belly-first into the ground.
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight said in full suck-up mode. “What brings you to Ponyville?”
The regal ruler of Equestria slowly lolled her head as she let out a sick-sounding hiccup. “As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain…”
Then she fainted, landing on what was left of the train platform with a distinctly not-regal plop. Twilight instantly began jogging in place while sweating profusely and hyperventilating. Spike rubbed his forehead as he watched the spectacle, hoping Twilight would join her mentor in unconscious bliss so he could have a break for once in his life.
A loud crack signalling a break in the space between spaces coupled with a dark blue flash heralded the arrival of Princess Luna. She was also wearing sunglasses, though that had more to do with her nocturnal nature making her no fan of the sun’s brightness.
Spike approached the Princess of the Night and gave a slight polite bow. Unsure of what to say he settled on a simple, “Uh, hi, Princess Luna.”
Luna glanced at the prone form of her older sister, then to Twilight who had, in the intervening five seconds, collapsed in a heap, foam forming in the corners of her mouth.
“I warned her,” Luna said simply.
“Warned who about what?” asked Spike, utterly confused.
Luna sighed. “Last night, Dear Sister was in a mood from having to deal with the antics of her new prime minister Orangeglow…”
“Isn’t that the guy who insulted Ponyville’s school newspaper?”
“Aye,” Luna confirmed. “He also accused her of spying on him with magic statues without offering a shred of evidence. After such a day, she wanted to relax, so she accessed the Secret Room of Secret Things.”
Spike’s eyes widened. “Sounds secret. Should you really be telling me this?”
“Cadenza sayeth thou art trustworthy,” Luna said with little enthusiasm. “Plus, that room is merely full of junk accumulated over the centuries, called ‘Secret’ only to keep nosy Nobles away. Very little of it is of much value. She found Starswirl The Bearded’s recipe for calming tea, including a pouch containing his unique blend of herbs.”
“But didn’t Starswirl die like a thousand years ago?” Spike asked.
Luna nodded. “Nine hundred seventy two, actually, but close enough. The point is that although dried tea leaves and herbs can have an incredible shelf life, even they are not infinite. Nothing in the universe is immortal, not even Us. Dear Sister was unprepared for the chemical changes inherent in heating a centuries-old foodstuff. She has been delirious ever since.”
“So why did she ban commas and semicolons?”
Luna scratched her chin as she recollected. “While under the influence, she wanted to write a missive to Orangeglow and attempted to read a Style Guide that she might better contrast his poor use of our language, but it was inconclusive about the use of the Academy Comma which she and I both support. In her confusion and anger, she vaporized the Guide and attempted to ban all punctuation. I managed to convince her that full-stops and question marks were still necessary, but she was quite insistent that everything else had to go, for if no pony could agree on what the rules should be, then perhaps there should be no rules… was her reasoning, such as it was.”
“Under penalty of Desu?” Spike asked worriedly for confirmation. Much to his horror, Luna nodded.
“A terrible punishment it is indeed. But I believe when she wakes up, Dear Sister will come to her senses and put an end to this madness.”
“I hope so,” Spike said. “Every comma I leave out of these lines of dialogue is like a miniature dagger through my heart, not to mention good taste.”
Princess Luna nodded her head in agreement. “Ancient Equestrian writing lacked punctuation or spaces of any kind. The writing also changed direction depending upon the writer. I say from experience we are greater with our evolved system.”
A few feet away, the unconscious Celestia burped, sending down a phalanx of abnormally cute humanoid girls not unlike the ones Spike had met in that other dimension, only tinier and wearing maid outfits. They swirled around Spike and Luna locking arms and saying “Desu! Desu!” in voices so high-pitched and cute it would make even the hardiest pony or dragon want to break things. Slowly, they closed in on the last two sane minds…
“STOP!!” Spike cried out to the edge of the heavens. “This is stupid! This whole thing is stupid! This is dumber than when you had the mayor throw up on Twilight! This is more idiotic than when you turned every pony in Ponyville except the mayor into an Alicorn just to belabour a point that people stopped caring about four years ago!”
“Spike?” Luna asked, clearly worried for the baby dragon’s well-being.
“If you want to do a crazy literary experiment, do it without me! I’m done!” he screamed as he stomped off into the great unknown.
Luna shrugged as she spoke to the vast space of the Universe. “I warned you as well, did I not?”
Somewhere off in the distance, a dog barked, and literary reviewers tore out what was left of their hair as the world melted into a messy rainbow that eventually coalesced and congealed on the celestial floor as a sort of wet dirty beige puddle.
And there you go. Several of the jokes now make absolutely no sense with proper punctuation added back in, but I feel better about myself. I'm going to go pass out now. Peace!
PS -- While my next story will be a nice bit of Sunset+Rarity fluff, once again CoffeeMinion has given me an idea for a Burritoverse story -- this one involving Maud Pie. I'm not sure if I should tack it onto the end of Rarity's Burrito story or if I should make it independent. We'll see…
You missed your opportunity; you should have pulled a Timothy Dexter and just added a page of commas and semicolons so people could salt and pepper the story to taste.
4462111 - Had I known about Mr Dexter, I probably would have done that. Alas.
I see my continued advocacy of burritos and burrito stories continues to bear burrito fruit. Burritos a-go-go!
(The sad fact is that I can't remember the last time I had a burrito IRL)
Oddly enough, I can't seem to make it through the "corrected" version of Comma Comma. I can understand producing it, but IMO the original is where the magic lies. But just in case you want to follow 4462111's lead and pull a Timothy Dexter, here's the corrected version with everything except the commas removed.
Perhaps this could be a fun/stupid bonus chapter? 
4464063 - You magnificent bastard. That actually would be a great follow-up.
4462111 Never heard of this man before, what an eccentric but possibly brilliant mad man.
4464063 Well that read as a great love story between two love stricken telegraphists.