Reflection · 9:46pm Mar 6th, 2016
While I'm working on the next chapter (already getting more ideas than I was), I'd like to ask you guys what you think about Blank so far.
I don't want to hear just "Good!" and "Nothing wrong!", because I know that it can be improved quite a bit. Just from rereading through the first two chapters on my mobile, I saw a lot of errors that I never got around to fixing. Some details also don't fit with the current continuity.
I want some critique. What do you think should be fixed? Does anything not seem to fit? Does something bother you about one of the chapters? I want to hear what you guys have to say. I don't have an outsider's perspective on my story. I know what I'm writing about in my head, but you don't. I might sometimes fail to convey something properly, since I already know what it is I'm trying to say.
And as for 15, I'm working on it. Have about 3.5k words so far, and working around the house gave me time to think of some new ideas to mess around with. I don't know if I'll update before Sunday, since that could mess up the schedule for the chapter after that as well. I'll keep everyone informed.
i remember reading a fanfic like this a long time ago but thats almost exaclity like this besides the point
the thing i dont like about blank. is that the Ponys know pretty much everything about him so there is not really any good conflict . Most of not all of ryan can relate to a situation. The Ponys know of as well
lets say ryan is scared of oil lamps (for some reasons) Every pony would hide there oil lamps since they know it will make ryan scared becuase of the show . So basically the only way ryan would be scared if there is a pony who is a jerk.
i would suggest that in ryans world he had watched mlp fim and knows a little about future events. before the ponys do
or have the seasons of otherworld skip lets say a few important things in ryans life so there can be a little conflict
so bassicly not have otherworld NOT all be about him have a bit of ryan thats not in the show. That ponys can not predict of there experiences whats not on the show.
I'm really loving this story, that being said, the only criticism I can come up with is that Blank seems to be falling into the same kind of trap that I did with The Jasmine Dragon - namely that the story is merely existing and not progressing, or progressing very slowly. Although I do have to say, you are a hell of a lot better at writing the fluff than I am.
This story exemplifies one of my three favorite story hooks: the existential crisis of "what is fake and what is true, what is dream and what is reality?" So even though there's a little bit of generic HiE wish fulfilment, I really enjoy this story because it addresses the idea of "I think therefore I am" in that a non-entity becomes a real person through independent thought.
The biggest thing that stood out to me, as far as things that should be fixed go, is Time Warner. All the way up until his big reveal, he was built up to be the big bad of the story. From Lyra's comments and thoughts about having to deal with OW after what happened in the show, everything tied to Ryan's death, and then even his introduction on the train at the beginning of his chapter, it all built him up as a serious opponent to be dealt with and I was really looking forward to seeing the problems and complications he would cause, especially after the big reveal that Luna was Sarah the whole time.
And then he was basically written out of the story in one chapter as a frothing lunatic.
Based on the author's notes, I'm assuming that at least part of that is because you had originally intended the story to be much shorter, necessitating that he be dealt with quickly, but even so there was a lot more you could have done with him.
Which actually reminds me of Prime Warner. I really liked his portrayal in that first chapter where he showed up with his brother. He was a perfect contrast to his more serious sibling, and the way you made his personality such an important factor in the success of his job was well done. But ever since Time was arrested he's been... more or less just sort of there. His personality has kind of disappeared.
And that's not necessarily a bad thing, since he's got a lot to deal with right now and it hasn't even been a full day since he was almost killed by his own brother. Just don't forget to bring him back once he's had time to really process some of that stuff.
Also, I totally ship Prime and Lyra. I ship it like Fed Ex.
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Not done with the Warner Brothers. Time will come back, when it is Time.
I'm enjoying the story very much so far, and find it a wonderfully unique take on the "Human in Equestria" storyline. Ryan comes across as a great character, and his relationship with Luna shows a very different (and fun) side to the Princess. I'm also pleased with Lyra's presence in the story, given the story around her in fanon, and I'm looking forward to how the tale will progress from here.
Though I'm really hoping that Ryan's stabilizing at this point rather than risking a meltdown. Either's plausible, but still.
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I was certainly hoping he would, but even so his initial characterization was a real let down after all the build up there was to that confrontation.
Pretty much the only real complaint I have is that Luna is kind of a jerk to Ryan. I mean, she mentally tortured him in a dream. If someone had done that to me, regardless of prior affiliation, I'd be using that superspeed to run away. Far away.
Not only that, she seems remarkably reckless about upsetting him sometimes, for dealing with a guy who's a literal ticking time-bomb. I think Celestia commented on this once, but it hasn't really been brought up since.
The way he is seen by the mane six? They seem to go back to seeing Ryan as nothing more than a TV show character, who's personal life, likes, and anything else, is free for them to know, as if he is not a real. And then their is Rainbow Dash, I hope t see some sweet Karma after what she said to Luna as that is way to far. Other than that, I love it!
Honestly, I feel like you went too far with Time. It is one thing to make him a jerk who pushes others too hard to get results, but making him a sociopath who will assault and even kill others to get his way just feels out of place in Equestria. I think he would have worked much better if he was all about bowling over others verbally and kept his aggression limited to questionable legal action. It also would have given him a strong foundation for conflict with the more physical characters like Rainbow Dash because he could easily taunt her with the fact that she can't resort to violence without being arrested while he is being a total slime ball.
Also, I feel like the princesses have both been too aggressive with Ryan. On the one hand, the chase with Celestia just felt contrived because she knew the risks of scaring him and should have shaped her approach around that knowledge. On the other, Luna has been excessively hostile to him and his friends on numerous occasions and doesn't seem to be learning from her mistakes or even called out most of the time which feels a bit off.
3794922 Honestly, I feel like that is something that works and should probably be played up more. After all, they have known him as a TV show character for years so of course they default back to thinking of him like that from time to time no matter how inaccurate they know it is. Frankly, we would all do the same if we ran into a pony like that because it would take a while for the fact that they are real to sink in because we currently understand and accept them being fictional as a fact of life and that kind of deep seated understanding doesn't just disappear overnight.
Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong that I would catch without specifically looking for such... everyone seems in character, after all.
I hate it when a story seems to reach a reasonable conclusion and then the author brings a new complication out of the blue, as if just to make the story longer. It's fine when the potential problem has been mentioned early on, but ignored up to this point. It's fine when it has been dealt with, but in a way that allows it to come back, like with Time Warner. But I stopped reading We will catch you if we can after the hero solved all his misunderstandings with ponies and then Discord reset the situation forcing him to go through the same troubles again, but this time mute. After the reset the story withered for months and eventually died without any conclusion.
Try to avoid that.
Maybe go more into detail about how an entire race of ponies know more about Ryan's personal life than they should. Applejack knowing Ryan's fetish is a good start, but I feel like it would need to be expanded.
More Cutie Mark Crusaders would be nice. Other than that, I like where the story is going, though if there's a fancy party any time soon I want to see Luna take on a human form and surprise Ryan in a gorgeous black evening gown for some dancing.