• Member Since 12th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 26th, 2014

proto-alpha


T

When a human appears in Equestria and is considered a threat, he is forced to flee from everything in the new land with nobody to help him while he is chased by colorfull ponies that want nothing but put him in a cage.

Chapters (34)
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Comments ( 464 )

and le pl0t thikens......FIRST :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

You'll get a lot of downvotes for this, without giving you any advice, but I'll try to be helpful.

=>New person speaking means new paragraph.

=>Avoid bolding letters, going !?, and other such things unless you really rarely need to. Do it too much and it's like shouting to reader's ears.

=>Avoid huge wall-of-text paragraphs.

=>Try to expand out your process. Instead of just being "X happened. Then, there was Y. Then, Z occurred.", try to really go for totally-thought out characters and show descriptions as well as just events.

And there's a lot of issues with this fic. I suggest just going through and reading a lot of other people's stories here-- later looking at them as guides to help you learn.

818011
Don't go "First!" That's a bannable offense on this site.

(Long drawn out sigh) Ok, I'll try to be nice but, here's what I noticed
- When you have a character speaking you use ( " " ) to mark out speech example; She said with a hint of anger dripping in her voice " I can't believe that you thought you could get away with that! "
- Spelling errors, example; 'tought' is supposed to be 'thought' I believe?
I'll stop here as I'm pretty sure that somone else more qualified in giving lessons will have seen this story as of right now.

EDIT; I figured as much. So Proto (if it's alright with you) make sure you listen to Swiper, the guy is an excellent author

>Goberment
>Gobermnt pls.

Error filled/ vague description + goberment = me no readie

You might want to improve you description. It is usually what decides whether or not a potential reader will pick up your story in the first place (though the writing will speak for itself).

Once I saw "goberment" I thought to myself NOPE

Try to use a more descriptive way of speaking, instead of just saying "This happened, then this caused that."
Like your introduction, instead of:
It was a normal morning in Equestria. It was like 8 o'clock when everypony started to wake up in the city of Canterlot. Some stores were just opening and the fillies and colts were hurrying to school. But it wasn't the same some hundreds of meters under that city.
In the crystal caves in the underground of the city there was a loud explosion and a portal opened. From the portal started to appear little particles that were starting to form a figure in the ground. When it was complete, it was a human, but it was unconscious. After the human was complete, the portal closed.

It was a quiet morning in Equestria. Celestia's sun ticked slowly across the sky, indicating it was roughly 8o'clock. The city of Canterlot was beginning to stir. Store fronts were being opened, and little fillies and colts frolicked as they linked hoofs with their parents to get to school. Unknown to all, an unprecedented occurrence was taking place in the long forgotten Crystal Caves hundreds of meters underneath the capital city. A loud 'BOOM' echoed through the desolate chambers, and a glowing portal appeared where a solid wall of crystal was supposed to be. The portal began to seep particles, which promptly began to sew themselves together to form an undistinguishable figure. When it was complete, it somewhat resembled a pony standing on their hind legs. The creature feebly stirred, unable to regain consciousness. Then, as suddenly as it appeared, the portal vanished.

I'm not actually that much of a writer but descriptive language is always good to use.


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Sorry if this is bad written. This is just my first story and I knew it would be bad and it's filled with miatakes because english is not my native languaje.

EDIT-- Also, thanks for the help. I'll try to do what you have told me.

that is not a difference tia

and ponies are gullible

More parts to this story!!!!!!:pinkiehappy:

I hope the ponies realize they're making a mistake. :fluttershysad:

he's tricky that human, possibly smart enough to outsmart Pinkie Pie

:rainbowlaugh: I love his trickery and how they fall for it

But for your writing: You keep forgetting the "E" in Escape and you spelled floor as flour

830178
Thanks for telling me that, I just kept getting the feeling that I was writing something wrong.

In the next chapter you should make a unicorn grab him with levitation and as hes being pulled away he grads a trash can and spins super fast, in mid-air switching places with the can causing her magic to hold the trash can instead of him

832887
I try to have my character as normal as possible because that makes it more interesting. Also, what is the fun if he doesn't piss off the pony that tries to catch him :pinkiecrazy:?

832957 good point, but still you should make him do something amazing like cloimb a building in three seconds or something,anything to make him look kick-ass

833665
I think you already saw what happened when he tried to climb Carroucel Boutique:rainbowlaugh:, so climbing a building won't be easy for him anytime soon :twilightsheepish:

sir i would very much appreciate it if i could have more of this wonderful fiction:moustache:

The flow in the speech is... really bad. I like what you are attempting, but...

You're... not a native English speaker, are you?

836799
No, I'm not, but I am trying my best at writing this

lol pinkie its chimeney sepcion
:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

I hope they get him sometime soon, i would like to see what he does then

I can't wait until Fernando gets a gun and starts shooting everypony. :trixieshiftleft:

Whenever a new chapter of this story comes up, I listen to MacGyver's theme while reading it. So fitting xD

HELLO MY NAME IS FERNANDO AND IM HERE TO THROW ROCKS AT YOUR HEAD:trollestia:

"not a human being." QUICK! I THINK WE FOUND SNAKE!

I would recommend that you please slow down with the chapter releases, and edit them more carefully before releasing. :unsuresweetie:

863802 Bullsh*t. If he slows down the chapter realeases I will have nothing to do with my free time.

Fernando's screwed.

fernando the troll

By now I would of expected him to be like "If it's a monster they want. Than it's a monster they'll get!" And turn evil-ish. Still, it's good, and I really like where this is going.

Sorry, just a filler because I'm getting a writer block:twilightsheepish:

I wonder how RD, AJ , twilight even celestia would react when they find out he's only a kid.

and they ask why he runs away?
his future was a cell (cage) and two of his hunters want him as a piƱata...

:rainbowlaugh:hahahahahahaha that will be awesome 879524

The greatest menace that Equestria have ever seen, and his name is......Fernando Dun Dun Duuuuuuuunnnnnnn. :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::derpytongue2::trollestia:

"In the dark streets of Canterlor, Fernando is sneaking past some ponies that were exiting a restaurant while humming the Mission Impossible theme.":rainbowlaugh::trollestia:

818031 How is that offensive?

6 billion not 600 thousand million. is that the same...
well actuly its more like 7 billion
what the fuck are we gong to do

892952
we could always invade equistria

did you just spell floor as flour? again? :rainbowlaugh:

892952

we reached 7 billion last winter

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