CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #20 — The Savage Way · 10:20am Jan 28th, 2016
Title: The Savage Way
Author: Horse Voice
Found via: Requested review
Short summary: After a shipwreck, two survivors wash up on a tiny island. One is a human, and one is a pony. Turns out that the island has some grass, but their rescue supplies don’t include any food.
The Title/Description: The title is adequate. It represents an idea from the story (sort of), but is not particularly unique or memorable.
The description gives away too much about the story. Admittedly, the story gives away itself very quickly upon reading, so at least the description is honest.
Also, more than half of the description is review quotes 
Genre(s): Suspense (?), Robinsonade, Human in Equestria
What does this story do well?: The story is described well. The descriptions of the scenery, of the island’s features, of the actions and details are all well done. It is often tricky to present necessary-but-dull story details without losing reader interest, and so I try to point it out when I can.
This extends to the story’s climactic scene. It presents tension and confrontation well. The characters and their actions are described succinctly enough to keep the story moving, but slowly enough to provide detail and build suspense.
Finally, the story uses ancillary worldbuilding well enough. There’s a lot of offhand details mentioned, and they generally don’t feel out of place. They provide grounds for inference without slowing the story down, and this is very important when presenting an Alternate Universe.
Where could this story improve?: The characters are boring. They are given so few personality traits, so few defining characteristics, that identifying with or rooting for either one is impossible. Even their names and appearances are forgettable. They may as well have been named Background Pony and John Doe. Since the story relies very heavily on the reader identifying with one or the other, this is problematic, to say the least.
The plot is predictable; the direction of the story is visible from space. This might be intentional: after all, the foreshadowing and the description seem to be intentionally trying to make it as obvious as possible where the story is going. This only serves, however, to further leach drama and interest from the situation. Between the characters and the plot, it is incredibly hard to remain interested in the story.
The story also ends abruptly. Right in the middle of the final confrontation, a Deus ex Machina pops out of nowhere. If you ever read/watched Lord of the Flies, it’s a lot like that, except without any symbolism or meaning behind it. The final scene doesn’t offer any sort of interpretation or conclusion to the events: just more bland interactions between bland characters.
The Human in Equestria element doesn’t add anything to the story. Is his species supposed to make us identify with him? If so, his other characteristics (or lack thereof) neuter that. The situation with the food is seemingly the catalyst for all the drama (there is only grass on the island, and the human is bad at fishing). That could have worked with literally any combination of characters, though. Have a carnivorous griffon, have another pony and the rations are dwindling, etc. and so forth. If the human’s inclusion in the story was supposed to make some commentary on humanity (or ponies) it only does so in the most superficial way possible.
In a single sentence: A competently written story let down by its characters, plot, and theme.
Verdict: Downvote. This story was written “to prove HiE could be done well.” The irony is that none of its major strengths or weaknesses really come from the inclusion of the human. If anything, a story about ponies resorting to murder or a story with a griffon/other species could better deliver the “primal urge/we are all animals” theme this story is making attempts at.
This story’s plot is so predictable, the characters so dull, however, that such simple changes wouldn’t make it any more engaging. A story needs to have its fundamental building blocks—character and plot—in order before it can worry about theme. This story is a good example of what happens when those fundamentals are lacking.
(Ah jeez you're gonna tear me a new one tomorrow)
(i\ mean no offense)
3718161
This is surreal--I seem to have gone full circle with this story.
Your criticisms are almost identical to those directed at it back in the summer of 2012, when I was shopping around for editors. The full story is here, beginning at "Believe it or not, I almost gave up..."
The difference is, you delivered your critiques professionally and as objectively as possible, while the other guy stooped to petty insults almost immediately. I thanked him for nothing, and followed none of his advice. In fact...
This was me thumbing my nose at that guy, after this story became an underdog success. I admit that was petty, so I've just removed them.
Comparing this to your review of The Writing on the Wall is encouraging, because it shows how much better I got over the course of a few months, even back then. And your panning this story tells me the fandom holds Human stories to a higher standard these days, which is also good. Back then, you could count the number of halfway-decent Human stories on two hands, and the number of complete decent ones on one. EqD ran it because it was better than 99% of the Human stories out there at the time. Now, they probably wouldn't.
Anyhow, thanks for reading. And hey, I just learned a new word: "Robinsonade." I've been a fan of those all my life, and not even known their name.
Um, I guess it wouldn't be good form to ask for more reviews so soon, right?
3718715 Human in Equestria stories have the same problems as crossovers. They have fundamental problems with the Law of Conservation of Detail, because introducing a human into the FIM-verse complicates the story by many orders of magnitude. This has always been the case, it's just that now there is also the stigma of mediocrity and wish-fulfillment.
As you say, this can help give something attention in spite of its flaws; by being a member of a sub-genre, the standards are lower. I don't consider this worth the tradeoffs of story construction though. It also makes conflating success with quality that much more perilous.
I don't want to set any hard limits on requesting reviews, if I can avoid it. I intentionally left the point about multiple requests vague in my request guidelines, for that reason. I'll leave it up to good taste and social mores how long you should wait before taking another turn, but do note that I also need to allocate time to non-requested reviews as well.
3719404
Would you be willing to expand on your concerns vis-à-vis crossovers and the Law of Conservation of Detail (or if you have blogged about it elsewhere, point me in that direction)? I'm working on PONY Legacy and I'd like to avoid the pitfalls of the genre, if I can.
3720862 http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/555523/why-crossovers-are-bad
As with all my blog posts, I recommend reading (and even adding to) the comments as well. Many of the commenters raise good points, with varying levels of disagreement.
3721480
You are a scholar and a gentleman.