Read It Now Reviews #35 – Jeans and a T-Shirt, Love and Other Acquired Tastes, National Geographic Presents: Big Princess Week, It’s Not Like I’m Deaf, Unlimited Breadsticks* · 10:26am Jul 2nd, 2015
Trying to get back on the horse that is writing reviews (and reading pony stories), this particular set contained a surprising number of memetic stories.
Today’s stories:
Jeans and a T-Shirt by Whateverdudezb
Love and Other Acquired Tastes by Ghost of Heraclitus
National Geographic Presents: Big Princess Week by Cold in Gardez
It’s Not Like I’m Deaf by Arreis of Avalon
Unlimited Breadsticks* by Chinchillax
Jeans and a T-Shirt
by Whateverdudezb
Comedy, Random, Human
2,028 wordsJohn Joseph was just an average patron of Comic-Con, right up until he was inexplicably transported to the land of magical ponies that he had once thought to only be fictitious. Now, like many other probably-innocent-visitors-of-popular-conventions-who-disappeared-off-of-the-face-of-the-Earth-without-a-trace-yet-strangely-no-one-seems-particularly-adamant-about-investigating-their-disappearances, John has merged with and taken the identity associated with the particular articles of fabric that he had decided to drape himself on that specific day.
It was just too bad that he had decided to go casual for the convention.
Why I added it: It was a ridiculous satire of the Displaced/League of Humans Acting Villainous stories.
Review
This is more of a meta-commentary on the League of Humans Acting Villainous/Displaced stories that seem to circulate around the website than a story proper; it was really just an excuse to have two characters discuss how ridiculous the whole thing was in a story, as well as the proper way for Twilight to deal with the humans (namely, by stealing the clothes that give them superpowers).
In this story, the person in question, rather than wearing a costume, is just dressed in casual clothing and thus, rather than going crazy, he just ends up going to work in his t-shirt and shorts and skating shoes, allowing Twilight to question him about what is going on rather than having to do battle with someone who is acting villainous for no discernible reason.
Of course, that doesn’t mean HE doesn’t have to take actions for no discernible reason either, but Twilight solves that quickly enough.
Honestly, this story wasn’t as funny as I had hoped it would be, and mostly seems like a diatribe against these stories rather than something which really is funny on its own. I’m sure plenty of people will nod along and smile from the basic concept of the story, or simple unhappiness with these stories, but I was kind of hoping it would be more consistently funny; instead it ended up seeming more like a rant in the form of prose.
The writing is also kind of rough, with some telly language and kind of awkward descriptions; I’m not sure if that’s a send-up of the poor prose in such stories, or is just a part of the author’s writing, but it didn’t really work for me either way.
Princess Twilight Sparkle ruffled her wings in slight irritation as she saw the sledgehammer rise up into the air again before arching back down onto the rail spike with a veritable—
CLANG!
—yes ...that.
Bringing up a hoof to her mouth, Twilight Sparkle released a polite cough into her hoof in a wayward attempt to catch the attention of the tireless worker before her.
"Um, excuse me, Mr...?"
"Joseph," she was supplied in a polite, if distracted, manner, "John Joseph."
CLANG!
"Right, yes. Mr. Joseph, if it's not too much trouble, may I ask what it is you're doing?"
CLUNK!
The sledgehammer that had been previously banging away against metal spikes now lay rested on top of the metal rail that had these spikes hammered into it; its iron head face down against the rail, and its long, wooden handle in the air where a pair of furless arms rested in a crisscross pattern against its tip. These furless arms belonged to the male human who, for the past couple of hours that he'd been here, had been studiously using the sledgehammer to great effect, as the newly-made railway under him can attest.
"Why, I'm here to build this railway for some local miners," replied the human in a reasonable tone as he gestured toward the railway between him and the small pony.
Said small pony briefly glanced at the railway, her attention lingering on it as she examined its expert craftsmanship, before returning her gaze to the human before her with a confused expression on her face, "Yeah, I got that," she replied warily, "but... why?"
"Is it not obvious?" asked Joseph as he promptly placed a single foot on the rail and dramatically gestured to his jean-covered leg.
Confusion evident on Twilight's face, her eyes kept switching their attention between the promptly displayed leg and the human's expectant face, before finally resting on the latter and slowly shaking her head in the negative.
Joseph groaned in disappointment at Twilight's non-understanding, "The jeans!" he shouted in answer as he slapped a hand on the blue fabric covering his leg, "Have you not seen such thick and durable fabric? Blue jeans are some of the most durable pants-wear that a common person can afford to wear. It was clearly meant to be worn for rigorous work, and what work is more rigorous than the construction of a railway for a local mine?"
For a long moment, Twilight just gave the man a long, contemptuous look before finally replying in an unbelieving tone, "And that's why you're building a railway? Because you're wearing... pants?"
"But of course," Joseph replied in a sickeningly oblivious smile, "and why shouldn't I? After all, you'd be surprised at how many great things a man can accomplish when he's wearing pants."
Recommendation: Not Recommended unless you want to read a rant about Displaced/LOHAV stories written in prose form.
Love and Other Acquired Tastes
by Ghost of Heraclitus
Comedy, Sad
2,146 wordsDotted Line meets a changeling.
Why I added it: Ghost of Heraclitus is a good writer.
Review
The cardboard roof caved in, and the little filly spluttered as cold rainwater drenched her. She tried to hold the box up with her hooves, but the wet cardboard spalled off in ragged chunks and then her home fell apart entirely. She was now entirely open to the unfriendly sky, and her coat and mane were sodden through in seconds. She tried to bunch up, huddle to gain some warmth but she couldn't. The wind was too fierce. She hugged herself with her forehooves and scuttled closer to the wall. It was damp and cold, and the bricks bit into her back uncomfortably, but the eaves of the building provided some small protection. Not enough. She sniffled.
The cup in front of her was nearly empty. When she first started yesterday a few ponies tossed a bit or two, but that quickly stopped. She hadn't seen anyone so much as approach her since. They even crossed the street to avoid her. All those rich-looking ponies in their well-made suits, and not a bit to spare. She could tell they were... afraid. Why?
She heard the clip-clop-splash of someone approaching through the abandoned rain-soaked streets. She looked up, and saw—blurrily through the mixed tears and rainwater—a gray shape coming closer. She blinked furiously, and her vision cleared well enough for her to see a short, broad-shouldered, pudgy little pony with a grey coat and a dark mane. He appeared to ignore the rainstorm with equanimity. He wore not a scrap of clothing—just a rather battered-looking silver necklace—and the rainwater drained from his thick coat in streams. He didn't seem to mind. She allowed herself a glimmer of hope, and looked hopefully at her cup.
He passed her by.
Her ears drooped, and then perked up again when she heard his steps pause. He came back and gave her a look. To her surprise he sat right next to her, splashing into a puddle. He did not seem to mind that either. He extracted a thermos from his saddlebags that looked as if it had been in half-a-dozen wars—and on the losing side, too—unscrewed the top which was patterned in peeling gold suns, and poured something fragrant and warm into it.
"Tea, miss," he rumbled offering her the cup, "it'll keep the chill out?"
She shook her head minutely and he shrugged and took a sip himself.
"Suit yourself, miss. There's more if you change your mind."
They sat like that in silence for a few moments while the strange stallion sipped his tea.
"Twenty billion, six hundred and eighty million, ninety three thousand, eight hundred and three bits," he said at length.
That... wasn't what she expected to hear. She just looked at him, eyes wide.
"The budget," he said, waving his arm vaguely, "of Foal Protective Services. That's your orphanages, foster family support, agents, psychologists, administration, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Quite a bundle as you may imagine. I should know. I make sure it passes muster every damned year. Pardon my language, miss. Still. The House passes it. Well, they do if they know what good for 'em."
She kept silent. She hardly knew what else to say.
"It's a big responsibility, you understand. The Princesses rule with a light touch, but on this score the rule was ever the same. No exceptions, no excuses, nothing. Nopony gets left out in the cold. No matter the price. Not ever."
He took a swig of tea and continued.
"Now, we're just ponies. Mortal, fallible, all that. We make mistakes. And it is possible that somewhere in the hinterlands there's somepony who got forgotten. Somepony hungry. Somepony alone. I hope there isn't, but there's no way of knowing. But in Canterlot? The center of Canterlot? Leaning on the Ministry of Equine Services building?"
The strange stallion's horn flashed a muted grey, and she felt a prickling all over her... carapace.
Oh crap.
"What I'm really trying to say," said Dotted Line turning to the changeling beside him, "is... there's six snipers covering us right now. Any last words?"
Seeker Of Hidden Places 27 swallowed.
"P—parley?"
"Damn."
The story of how Dotted Line met the changeling who attended Cranky and Matilda’s wedding in Slice of Life, this gives us a bit of backstory on the changeling, named Seeker, as well as detailing why Seeker was there and a bit about Seeker fitting into pony society. The piece is cute and short, and it ends with Dotted Line being very clever.
The story as a whole made me smile and even laugh out loud in several places, in particular the changeling’s extremely poor choice of hiding spot as well as Dotted Line’s use of having a changeling in his employ.
If I had any complaints about the story, it is that it feels like it has somewhat strange tonal transitions; the end of the first scene feels like it is going to lighten up the story, but the second scene feels as dark as the first one, with the third scene being more tonally light. Either way could have worked, but it feels like the story wanted to have its cake and eat it, too, and the story ended up feeling like the second and third scenes diverged heavily in their tone; both were logical tonal continuations of the first scene, but with the three as a story, they felt kind of weird in how they hung together, and the third scene didn’t really feel like it followed directly from the second – which makes sense in terms of time, but didn’t really feel quite right structurally.
Still, I enjoyed it, and it was more of a weird feeling than something which would ruin the story.
Recommendation: Worth Reading.
National Geographic Presents: Big Princess Week
by Cold in Gardez
Crackfic, Comedy, Random, Crossover
5,405 wordsWhat if pony princesses were actually highly social carnivores?
What if a National Geographic team began following them around to film a documentary?
What if nopony saw anything unusual about this?
A metaphor about growing up. Or possibly a metaphor about living in a surveillance society. Or maybe just a very, very weird idea that needed to become a story.
Why I added it: Cold in Gardez is a good writer.
Review
This is a crackfic combining the idea of ponies behaving like lions (or other large cats) and… them being ponies. The whole thing is a bizarre juxtaposition of Equestria and a big cat documentary. This is very much a crackfic, and whether or not you’re amused by it depends entirely on whether or not you think the juxtaposition is funny or just ridiculous.
I thought this was kind of amusing idea, but after the second scene or so, in which Twilight discovers the super secret radio collar that they gave her, it felt like the whole rest of the story was more or less the same joke, and while it was kind of amusing, it just ended up wearing thin for me after a while, as that was about the last point at which I really snickered internally.
It’s been a year since we last visited with the majestic alicorn princesses of Canterlot. Celestia, the pack’s alpha female, still rules the roost with a firm-but-gentle hoof. After defeating her sister a few years back in a struggle for dominance, she seems to have restored the pack’s hierarchy. Her hold on power is stronger than ever.
Today we’ve managed to get our cameras deep inside their den for an unprecedented look at the everyday lives of these amazing creatures. Watch now, for the first time ever on television, as they perform a traditional display of dominance and subservience in this large stone cavern they call the ‘Throne Room’.
Luna sits upon her throne at the apex of a raised dais. The wide hall is lined with tall windows, and through them the full moon is visible just above the western horizon. As it continues its slow descent, the ponies milling about the hall make their way to the exits. The Night Court is nearly at its end, and a new day is about to begin.
Luna raises a hoof to her muzzle, stifling a yawn. She appears tired, and as the moon sets she is clearly ready to find her bed. But one more task remains to be done.
The huge doors at the front of the hall open, and in walks the sun. Celestia is resplendent in the pre-dawn gloom, shining like a star with all the promise of the new day. Ponies, accustomed to the long and dark night, shield their eyes from from her radiance.
Not Luna, though. She stands and steps down from the dias, approaching her sister. They are nearly the same height now, and they stop only feet apart. Luna’s lips draw back in a sneer. A hush falls on the crowd.Oh my, it looks like the younger sister is feeling frisky tonight. Are we about to witness another battle for dominance? Has Celestia’s age finally caught up with her?
Celestia growls, her lips peeling back to reveal her teeth. Canines, long and sharp, are bared. Her wings spread like fans, stretching toward the vaulted ceiling, making her seem twice, thrice her normal size.
For a long moment they stare at each other, until Luna looks away. She kneels and rolls onto her back, whimpering quietly, exposing her throat and belly to her sister.Not today, it seems. Celestia is still the stronger female, and Luna has no choice but to submit. See how Celestia lowers her head to nuzzle at Luna’s chin, symbolizing her ability to tear out Luna’s throat if she so wished. In response, Luna laps her tongue at Celestia’s lips, a behavior used by juvenile princesses to display submissiveness to an adult. There is peace between the sisters – for now.
Recommendation: If you like crackfic comedies and thought that the above passage was funny, you’ll probably like it, but be warned, the whole story is basically that one joke.
It’s Not Like I’m Deaf
by Arreis of Avalon
Sad, Slice of Life
2,632 wordsVinyl takes a walk after the wedding before returning home to her roommate, Octavia.
Why I added it: It was featured.
Review
Vinyl Scratch is mute, and is reminded of her muteness by some ponies and is upset by them treating her strangely because of her disability.
This story didn’t really appeal to me very much; I’m not sure if her being mute is supposed to be a surprise, but I figured it out from the title, and the story made it obvious quite early what was going on. The rest of the story seemed to be Vinyl getting upset over being mute, but the whole thing felt a bit emotionally flat to me; it would suck to be mute, but it isn’t terribly hard to communicate that fact to people and deal with it.
One side note: it always bothers me a bit when people make reference to things that Equestria doesn’t have; in particular, Equestria lacks cell phones, or phones in general, as well as computers, so Octavia asking Vinyl to “text” her feels out of place. This pulled my attention early in the story.
Vinyl smiled softly as she tidied up her turntables, being sure to store the discs in their proper places. It wasn’t that she was a clean freak or anything - far from it - but it did help when sorting out the party mixes. She nodded absentmindedly to the music coming through her headphones, her smile growing as she lost herself to the beat.
Music was just so great. Every song was just a series of notes, and each note was just a perceived sound, and each sound was just a vibration! By that logic, any vibration can be heard and given a ‘title’, and that title is the name of a note. It was incredible to her.
She looked up as Octavia tapped her on the back. She pulled down her headphones, tilting her head curiously. “I’m going to head home, Vinyl. I trust you can find your way back before sunrise?”Vinyl grinned and nodded. Tavi was so understanding sometimes; even though Vinyl sometimes dragged herself back inside with a cider addled swagger around 5 am, Octavia always put up with her. Ever since they had first met in Canterlot, Tavi had always been close to her. They might have had a bit of a rough start, but don’t friends sometimes start off on the wrong hoof?
Octavia smiled. “Alright. I’ll see you later. Just text if you need me to drag you home. Again.”
Vinyl rolled her eyes with a good natured smile and flipped up her headphones as Tavi trotted off with her cello. She rolled her eyes often and was glad her roommate had bought her those signature goggles. Nopony seemed to know her eye-rolling habits. That, or no one commented on them. Ponies usually didn’t talk to her often. She smirked, chuckling silently to herself; she had never been much of a conversationalist, now, had she?
Recommendation: Not recommended.
Unlimited Breadsticks*
by Chinchillax
Comedy, Crossover, Slice of Life
1.067 wordsDiscord takes offense to a restaurant's claim of serving "unlimited" breadsticks.
Why I added it: It was a story from the “I Regret Nothing” write-off.
Review
Discord complains about a restaurant offering unlimited breadsticks which are, of course, not actually unlimited.
This is related to the unlimited breadsticks meme, but really, in the end, I just wasn’t that excited by the story; it was just Discord being pedantic about a restaurant’s slogan.
The story did make me want to get some breadsticks, though.
Recommendation: Not Recommended
Summary
Jeans and a T-Shirt by Whateverdudezb
Not Recommended
Love and Other Acquired Tastes by Ghost of Heraclitus
Worth Reading
National Geographic Presents: Big Princess Week by Cold in Gardez
Not Recommended
It’s Not Like I’m Deaf by Arreis of Avalon
Not Recommended
Unlimited Breadsticks* by Chinchillax
Not Recommended
And there we go.
In other news, I have a story from the last write-off which took sixth place which I plan to work on revising and posting over the next few days, so stay tuned!
And fear not, I have not forgotten Mistletrapped. I am presently working on rewriting chapter 5, which is as yet-unreleased and which I’m not satisfied with. Hopefully, I will get it done soon ™.
Number of stories still listed as Read It Later – Important: 67
Number of stories still listed as Read It Later – High Priority: 270
Number of stories listed as Read It Later: 1621
I rather enjoyed Jeans and a T-Shirt, it had the proper degree of taking the concept to a natural absorb conclusion.
Still need to get to that CiG fic, but it is on my list.
I like when you review feature box stories. It usually means I can take them out of my reading list without wasting time actually reading them.
I can't say I'm surprised by the outcome of this review set. But it's still nice to have.
Also, glad to hear that more Mistletrapped is on the way-ish.
I like changelings and I like Ghost, so I'll have to check out that new-ish dotted line story.
You are completely right, actually. The story is a bit... um. Frankenstein'd together for one. The first part of the story sat in my mental drafts folder for ages and ages. When I wrote that I realized I had to know what happened next and I wrote that. And, well, the end of the first section is sort of cartoon-comedic (on purpose) but that rather jars with the rest of the story not being a cartoon. I mean, Seeker dying isn't funny[1] but that's sort of the joke. That's the first *clunk* you hear in the tone. By rights, I should have cut that out. But I was enamored of the joke and so, stupidly, didn't. Mind, the whole first section is a joke, so there was always going to be a bit of a clunk, but I could have at least smoothed it out a touch.
The third section, however, completely belongs in the story. It's just that it belongs as the fourth section, in a way. There needs to be a section between the first two where Dotted offers the Changeling a job. However, I... uh... I didn't much feel like writing it. It felt like nothing really important happens in it and so I was disinclined to write it. I could put a few jokes in[5] and so on, but I just felt it would filler.
And I was right, of course, it's just that you occasionally do need filler for, say, the purposes of smoothing out the tone and I could have used that space to make you laugh some more and, perhaps, do some character- and world-building. But I didn't.
Mea culpa, I guess. I'm glad, at least, that this failing didn't detract too much from it.
[1] I should point out that Dotted didn't say 'Damn' because he was disappointed he wouldn't get to kill the Changeling. He was disappointed because the Changeling spoke. In my version of things, only certain castes of Changelings speak and all of them[2] are trouble. Dotted thought it was a Hunter, and didn't much fancy sitting next to one, snipers or no.
[2] Seeker caste, Hunter caste, and of course the Voices[3]. Worker Caste doesn't speak and isn't, strictly speaking, fully sentient. They are, however, the true Changelings. Seekers, Hunters, and Voices are creations of the original Hive Mind, meant to serve specific tasks.
[3] Distributed group mind of the pre-Chrysalis hive... interfaces? Voice of Welcome, Voice of Wilderness, Voice of Weal, Voice of Woe, Voice of Warding, Voice of War, and Voice of Wisdom, in case anyone is wondering[4].
[4] I have a backstory for everything. :) This one's a bit recycled, but still...
[5] "So? Up for it? The pay isn't much, but the job is unbelievably hard."
"Do you get a lot of ponies with that pitch?"
"You'd be amazed, and, subsequently, depressed."
3200364
Are you implying that there are Changelings which aren't trouble?
Incidentally, I've been reading Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels for the first time.
And I have to admit...
I like your stories better.
3200981
More trouble, I should have said.
Blasphemy! Sacrilege! Heresy!
...very flattering blasphemy, I must admit.
3200981
Hey now. If I were a changeling, I would have to take exception ...
... actually, no, you're pretty much right.
3200364
Don't feel TOO bad about the story -- getting a "Recommended" from TD is like scoring fourth place in the Olympics.
Personally, my biggest problem with the story was that it should have been posted as a standalone rather than being buried in your shorts collection. I know I say this about every story you write, but that's because there's far too much in your shorts collection that's worthy of a story of its own.
3203624
Well the problem is, he's right. I mean if he just didn't like it it, well then, I can shrug mutter something about 'de gustibus' and move on. But, yeah, that is a genuine failing of the story.
Well, I use OD because it frees me from worrying that the story is rubbish that shouldn't be posted. I can sneak it in as a chapter and I don't worry about it as much.