Critique Review: Rainbows at Twilight · 3:09pm Jun 10th, 2015
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
Another day, another shipping, another lesbian on lesbian.
Some of you just had a pretty image in your head, didn’t you? Maybe a flashback to some ‘good’ fic you read. Well, hold onto your hats, kids, because I won’t be reviewing that one today.
No, instead I’m going to be reviewing a fic that goes through the difficulties of being a lesbian in a non lesbian world. This would actually mean something if the story wasn’t as pretentious as possible and the story’s author wasn’t a complete twat.
The goal of this story was to make it the feature box on the premise that TwilightXDash action. And that’s it
… I was going to make a joke about that, but I’ve seen things appear on the feature box for stupider things.
Wow, two insults about the feature box in two weeks! I might have to stop that. Otherwise, ponies might get the impression that I’m bitter!
Not an unfounded accusation.
Shut up!
So, yeah, not entirely improbable. Stupid? Yes, but that’s the system for you.
But enough of my bitching about petty things, let’s bitch about even more petty things! This is the review of Rainbows at Twilight by Still Not Ben Stiller
"Get out of my sight, queer!"
Hey, don’t you call me that?! Do I have to come in there and kick your ass?!
Actually, that’s a pretty damn good opening line. I mean it, it got my attention right away and pulled me into the story. But unfortunately, that line will mean nothing by the end of this. Our story begins with Rainbow Dash being beaten by her father.
Um… Wow… way to start off your fan fiction with a child beating. While it’s not very graphic, (mostly due to the poor writing) it’s pretty messed up. Why would you start your story with a child being threatened like this. I know it’s rated T, but even for a T story, that’s pretty fucked up.
I mean, who else would start a story with a child abuse scene?
How is that chapter of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance coming along?
You know what would make it go faster?
The answer is ‘shut up’.
DON’T STEAL MY PUNCHLINE!
So, Rainbow Dash runs off, but it turns out it was all a dream.
To be honest, with a bit more polishing, that first scene could have actually worked. Yeah, I don’t approve of the shit of actually showing Rainbow Dash being beaten, but it can show how lesbians are viewed by some people. It would have been a nice little touch that a story could have worked itself around.
Sadly, we aren’t in that one. As this one tries extra hard to be pretentious.
Waking up in a cold sweat, Rainbow Dash jolted up. Not the nightmares again! They were very bad for her!
Oh, really?! No kidding?! Nightmares are bad for you?! God, I always thought the guy wearing a ski mask and wielding a chainsaw ripping my organs out was always my fantasy! But if I take anything out of this story, that … is actually supposed to be … scary!
Wow, I wonder what other deep philosophical secrets this story will unravel?
Story: Rainbow Dash decided to get something to eat. Because eating helps Rainbow Dash have energy to perform the Sonic Rainboom. Especially nutritious foods like grains, fruits and vegetables.
Is this a story? Or a PSA about eating right?
And this is where any potential this story had sinks right down the toilet gathering enough piles of shit for it to gain sentience and start plotting the downfall of Equestria.
The story quickly turns into ‘Why Rainbow Dash and any shipping besides the one I like is never going to work’ or as I like to call it ‘WRDAASBTOILINGTW’!
Yes, this is the chance for the story to be preachy as fuck and frankly, it turns the story completely boring and stupid.
Applejack appears and offers to take Rainbow Dash to lunch. Because everyone is gay in this world… No, I’m being serious. Not the kind of gay that Equestria is usually known for, but the kind of gay where we get lesbian on lesbian action and any of the straights are the ones to be ridiculed.
Um… Story, are you against gays or not? Isn’t this story about a lesbian in a non lesbian world? And the struggles they have to go through? If so, you’re doing a fucking poor job of it. It kind of makes being a lesbian not as unique when literally every character in the world is also a lesbian. Kind of defeats the purpose of this story, doesn’t it? Story? Hello? … Okay, you just keep popping those pills. I’m sure the voices in your head will just magically go away.
No thanks," Rainbow Dash rejected, knowing exactly what was going on, despite the fact they had been friendly rivals since who-knows-when. After all, opposites attract and they are too similar so this ship doesn't belong anywhere.
And … troll fic.
Seriously, it couldn’t be anything else. And even if it wasn’t a troll fic, it’s still pretentious as shit with the label that ‘I’m deep and philosophical and you all hate it because you just don’t get it!!!!!1111!!!!’
So, the story continues to go through each of the main six, trying to be funny at the same time, for some reason. This would mean something if the jokes weren’t ‘LOok at Me! I’m funny beCasue I make RainBOw DaSh do something that SHe said Sh’ed never DO! And then CALL her a HypoCrite!’
That’s not funny, bro! That’s being a twat!
Rainbow Dash gets to Twilight’s and is blinded, for some reason that the story doesn’t even want to try and tell us, and she gets her sight back by the power of love. And then we have this line that made me chuckle.
"Still a better plot twist than a human being a lost brother of the Princesses," Rainbow Dash said.
Actually, that’s funny, story! Because I read that story! It was shit! But it was still better than this shit sufflay I’ve been served!
Some more stuff happens and the story continues to be pretentious all the while thinking that insulting the audience is funny and our story ends with a rant from the Doctor for some reason… I can’t tell if it’s from the author or the character…
"Don't give me that shit. I'm going to tell you a story. Back when I was in high school, I knew a guy who liked video games as well. That was the only similarity we had. No, he didn't want to suck my dick because he had a girlfriend. No, I didn't want to suck his dick. Ergo, your opposites attract is false and I am living proof of it. In addition, if opposites DID attract, then why isn't FlutterDash popular? They're full opposites and have been friends for who knows how long. Two legitimate reasons right there. Also, if opposites attract, then they'd be ATTRACTED to the OPPOSITE gender. Shrekmate, bazooper. And no, this isn't my opinion. This is fact, so don't even consider trying to minimize me. You'll just embarrass yourself. Any questions, redirect them to my ass. Doctor Whooves, or rather, a pony just speaking for a higher and sexier power, out." He then went into the TARDIS and warped to god-knows-where. Probably to another trashy fic.
I’m not even sure what to make of this. You know what, I’m not even going to try to make sense of this. I figure it’s not worth the brain cells it would take.
In fact, that’s the story as a whole. It’s certainly not engagingly good. Nor is it amusingly bad. It’s just kind of there. Like your best friend who is drunk and the best humor he can come up with is fart and boob jokes. Fine for the first second and a half. Anything after that, you just want to take his jokes and shove them down his throat so far that they come out of his butthole!
As a legitimate fic, it’s bad. Really stupidly bad.
As a troll fic, it’s even worse.
It’s not bad enough, funny enough, takes enough risks, or bat shit crazy enough to be a good troll fic.
A troll fic is something that intentionally makes the audience upset and makes them feel uncomfortable. This story didn’t do that to me. On the whole, I found it rather boring. There wasn’t anything offensive enough to make me cringe nor anything good enough to make me want to keep reading. It just felt like the author saw what other trollfics were doing and decide ‘Hey, I can write one of those’ without really understanding how trollfics work.
The only semi-decent scene, ignoring the lack of descriptions and context, was the first scene, but then the story tries to be a comedy after that, completely ignoring the fact that she was beaten. I didn’t even remember that scene by the time this story ended. And that’s not good trollfic writing either. A good trollfic would have made me remember that. This one couldn’t.
Not impressive. Thumbs down. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to put my head in a bucket of crab cakes with chainsaws for teeth while singing ‘I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy’.
***
Hey, guys!
Wow, short review this week…
Okay, but the thing I wanted to talk to you guys about is I just got over 150 followers! I know right?! Something I never thought I would get! Thank you guys so much for continuing to follow me! Whether it be for my stories, my reviews, my personality, whatever your reason, I appreciate every single follow I get.
And I’d like to take this chance to get to know you all better and I’d like you guys to get to know me better. So, here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to have you guys ask me questions about things you might like to know about me, but were too afraid to ask.
Now, there is a catch to this, I will only answer questions that you answer to me first. For example, if you were to ask “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” You must leave some kind of answer before I will answer it back. Like “A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck.”
Then I would respond by saying “8 and a half. Figure that one out.”
And it can be about anything, books, games, movies, personality, future projects, whatever. I will not answer any questions that are not answered by the one who asked the question.
That’s all I’ve got for this week. Tune in next week for another review. This time I’ll review “Descending Desires” by RedSketchPad. Until then, take care.
HOW THE HELL DO YOU FUCK UP TWIDASH?! It's the best ship in my opinion, and pretty easy to pull off, and yet he STILL fucked it up! The reason why most Twidash fics work is because it explores their relationship and can work as either sadfics, where Rainbow and Twilight go through a difficult patch, slice of life stories just going through their lives in a relationship together, or straight up rom-coms about humorous times in their life together! HOW DID HE FUCK IT UP?!
Oh, and as for the question:
What's your favorite TV show that is NOT MLP? For me, it's a tie between Gravity Falls, The Walking Dead, or 9, 10, and 11 era Doctor Who.
Have you heard the good word of Heisenberg?
3137051 For me, it would have to be Spectacular Spider-Man, Walking Dead, or Daredevil on Netflix.
3137173 I've never actually watched Breaking Bad...
*Sulks in a corner, waiting for the beating.*
3138605 Good news! I have a bunch of free time, so there will be THREE new reviews by the end of the week!
3138612 It's okay. I've never watched a full episode either.
3138617 Hooray!
3138666 Plus, 100 followers!
3138697 Double hooray!
3138612 Oh.
Ah.... that's alright... *eye twitch*
You should definitely watch it then. It's a little slow to start but stick with it until the end of season two and if you aren't hooked
I'll add you to the depopulation listI won't badger you any more about it.Until then I wonder what you consider some of the best fan-fictions on this site.
Oh, and here's a badger.
i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02369/badger_2369182b.jpg
3140268 I'll definitely check it out. Along with Season 5 of My Little Pony and Equestria Rocks that are still staring at me with glaring eyes.
As for the best fan fictions, I've ever read. Asylum is among them, even though it's slow as fuck, it still has a great sense of atmosphere. But I can't help but feel it's going on a tad too long. Perhaps its trying to out beat the Chase in word count, which I think is one of the seven deadly sins of Fan Fiction writing.
My Little Chrono Triggers was rather fun, but since I know it will never be finished, I feel unsatisfied.
Three Little Fillies by MythrilMoth was actually kind of fun until I figured out that MythrilMoth has been writing the same story about Sunset Shimmer for the past year and a half.
Ultimately, I don't find a lot of good fics, but then I'm not actively seeking them. I'm looking for bad fics, since that's mostly my focus. But I would like to find more good ones. Any recommendations?
3141215 I'll have to have a look at those then.
As for good fics, the urge to whore myself out is overruled by the desire to share the very first pony fic I ever read.
Clop It is not a clop fic, but it is the fic that got me interested in writing pony fanfiction. It's funny and has a very engaging plot, with some very nice twists and turns. I still call it my favorite fic to date. And that's after reading-
Twilight Sparkle Is... Princess Under Fire, which is sort of what I tried to do with If You 2 but about a million times better. I stayed up well past when I should have been sleeping to finish it, which is a true testament to its story as well as my insomnia. And it didn't make me cry. A lot. You know what did?
Claro De Luna, which I've read through about three times and still get all depressed and find the sudden urge to watch something with Colin Firth to make myself feel better. Speaking of Colin Firth-
Kingsman:The Secret Service is not a fanfiction but it is seriously my number one film for 2015. Yes, I did see Mad Max: Fury Road and Avengers 2. Here's me gushing about it.
...I ramble a lot, don't I?
3141370
It's no trouble, really.
I've heard Kingsman was really well done. I haven't seen it yet. It's on my list of things to see.
I'll definitely check out the fics you've suggested. I'm always trying to balance out the insanity of bullshit I read with something that's a lot more fun or interesting. It's the only way I can keep my sanity. Especially what I'm reading for this week.
3138612 Relax neither have I....... Did you know that for some reason they're making a Walking Dead spin-off show that's, you guessed it, STILL about zombies only instead of being predominantly in the Southern U.S. it's in California? Yeah because THAT'LL make it unique!
Also do you think a legitimate console superhero RPG in the same vein as a Skyrim or Fallout New Vegas is LONG overdue?
3143701 Yes, yes it is. I also think that a game similar to Marvel Ultimate Alliance is a great idea. I loved the X-Men Legends games and Ultimate Alliance 1. Number 2... though... ugh...
3144541 Oh yeah, the first Ultimate Alliance was FANTASTIC! Really? I consider it the best Marvel game to date.
So, not going into the actual movie, but what DO you think of the first Amazing Spider-Man costume? Personally it's my favorite movie Spidey costume since..... It looked like something someone could actually make in their garage WITHOUT it looking like it cost 10,000 bucks to make.
3145224 The movie 'Amazing Spider-Man' costume or the actual comics 'Amazing Spider-Man?
3146480 First Amazing Spider-Man movie costume.
3146492 I thought it looked fine. At first, when I first saw it, I was taken a back by it. But the more I saw it, the more used it I got. I though it was a decent costume that respected the original, but still put its own spin on it. My only issue was really the eyes. Call me narrow-minded, but I'm always a sucker for the white eyes.
3146513 I get the eyes thing, but I got used to it... After all the yellow eyes thing has been done before, Spider-Man Unlimited for instance... Yes I liked that show.
I just liked it because it was... Well I see it like this. When I see Peter's costume in the comics or cartoons? I picture it as more or less hand-made as it's always been shown. The webs aren't raised and are just black thread stitched into the fabric. One thing that always annoyed me with the movies, up until Amazing Spider-Man... Then in Amazing Spider-Man 2... Was how he just goes from barely able to make a wrestling costume... To a suit that looks like it took some SERIOUS cash, which he does not have, to make.
I mean I can suspend my disbelief on things, otherwise I wouldn't be a superhero fan, but generally speaking suspension of disbelief for me ends when something clearly breaks something established already. It lets me believe a guy can stick to walls... Doesn't let me believe he didn't need to rob a bank to make THAT kinda costume.
I just like the Amazing costume because... It just feels more natural, more Spider-Man like to me, like this is something someone with Peter's budget could put together and it works!
3146550 Yeah, its a fun costume. In fact, my cosplay costume, took a lot of hints from that suit.
3146555 Oh yeah... I just wonder how different they'll go for the Marvel reboot?
BTW, do you think Batman V Superman is going to be a complete mess? I do... Especially since apparently they're gonna drop DOOMSDAY into the movie!
3146563 ... Wait... wh-
i.ytimg.com/vi/crPl0ITIkS0/hqdefault.jpg
3146682 Yeah. Apparently Doomsday is gonna be relegated to Venom in Spider-Man 3/Harry as the Goblin in ASM2 levels of screen time..... THE VILLAIN WHO KILLED SUPERMAN!!! Is getting thrown in as what seems to be an after thought.
I mean apparently it could be to have Supes and Bats stop fighting and team up... But here's an idea... USE METALLO!!! Kryptonite which would naturally weaken Superman AND still hella strong which would make him dangerous for Batman too! DOOMSDAY SHOULD BE AT LEAST THE JUSTICE LEAGUE VILLAIN IF THEY AREN'T USING DARKSEID!!!
3146705 What?! WHAT?!
They can't be serious! This is gotta be a joke! It's got to be! There's no way that DC would be stupid enough to put one of the most powerful in the DCU as the first Villain Batman and Superman fight! The thing that killed Superman! What are they thinking?!
3146764 I mean.... WHY NOT LEX?!?! HE'S in the movie!! Has been stated to have a pretty big role too so at least his appearance wouldn't be out of nowhere, and there ya go!
Forgot to comment on this, so I'll be brief:
What was the point of this story? And why does it sound more like someone whining on a forum?
Hello,
My name is NOT VIKTOR STRELNIKOV. The reason for my name change is because after a traumatic incident involving shooting a man before throwing him out of a plane, the Masketta Man, and not doing my power stance properly, I have transitioned and I sexually identify as Russian now. My new pronouns are cyka/blyat/NOT VIKTOR STRELNIKOV's (Terrorblade or Nature's Prophet if I'm tired of making Coldsteel the Hedgeheg jokes) head for 218 gold. With that out of the way, I wish to refute your review of my interactive storytelling game, Godly Mountain Legend NINE: Rainbows At Twilight - Game of the Year Edition, Featuring Trish from the Devil May Cry series. With developer's commentary enabled, let us begin.
You're racist to pretentiousness. My grandmother was killed as a child by Knighty K. Knigger(KKK, he's a white supremacist confirmed) during the Hollacaust, which Adolf Hitler ripped off like a total bitch. Anyway you're pretentiousphobic.
No, it was to make it to the feature box on the premise that lesbians, make me God Emperor through the collective asperger's of yuri-worshipping pussyboys, and destroy ISIS before Linda Glocke could. Bitch ain't stealing my killstreak. Also there was probably a subplot about the true damage done by 9/11 but I'm probably mixing this up with something written by someone who doesn't hate writing.
I'm fucking triggered despite your backpedal. Fuck you and fuck your family, friends, previous pets, and hobos that have begged you for change, THIS IS OVER THE LINE AND YES THIS IS A WRITTEN THREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay but seriously don't give your enemies an inch. You're lucky I've longed stopped taking authors and literature of any kind seriously.
If I wasn't doing this solely out of the fact I think it's funny, I'd link to you so many fics that do worse. Like, I'd just post "ahahahahahaha" on this line and every letter would be a different fic. Well, okay, one would be a YTMND with ear rape music playing called "nigga you're really clicking all these links, you need jesus" but besides that.
Quit talking to your imaginary friends, son. Don't make me call Jamal over to poz your neghole again.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Your naivety doesn't deserve a Tidus Laugh video, you get text laughter for not realizing that lesbians are seen as goddesses because, let's be honest, there's a worrying increase in men who want their wives/girlfriends fisted by lesbians. Even though they'll be paying more alimony than Brandon Frasier. Yeah, I went there. Brandon fucking Frasier.
I bet you wrote this before realizing the subplot about the Illuminati and Nazis having close ties, and the fact Mecha-Hitler wasn't a cheesy enemy in Wolfenstein 3D, but a terrifying warning. There's so much deep shit, it's nuts.
Both. I am a revolutionary storyteller, lad. I sold the script to Broadway for a dollar and the right to direct and produce it. Just you wait, the "burst into treats" scene will make you shit out your mouth in arousal. I'm a hero, let me tell you.
You underestimate my plan and reach, Son of Mangina.
This part sexually transitioned too. You must call it "RAINBOW DASH HAS A GUN, OH SHIT!" I'm aware there is no gun or literal shit, that's the genius.
You didn't even mention how the stallions are lesbians too. CONFIRMED FOR DIDN'T READ AND ALSO BLIND HATER AND RACIST, I'M SENDING MY TUMBLR FOLLOWERS AFTER YOU!!!! #StopGamerGate2016
This isn't your personal blog, fagtron. Keep your life out of this review.
...Wait, shit.
IT'S TRUE
ACCEPT MY WILL AS YOUR OWN
KNEEL BEFORE ME AND OBEY, FOR MY VOICE BOOMS LIKE THUNDER AND MY WRATH BURNS LIKE THE PITS OF HELL
AND ON JUDGEMENT DAY, MY BLADE SHALL STRIKE DOWN THE VERMIN, LIKE LUCIFER FELL FROM THE HEAVENS, LIKE LIGHTNING!
And only one question will remain:
No the jokes are "LOok at Me! I'm funny BeCausE I make RaiNBow DASh do shit you'd see in an average fic shat out by some lesbian-loving nerd who wants to get his rocks off And then LATER make her realize SHE's RetaRDed!" and Fluttershy literally bursting into treats.
No, Twily gets to Rainbow Dash's instead of vice versa, as a way to mock how people forget that Rainbow Dash's problems in fics are usually solved/prevented by her being not a fat piece of shit. She can Sonic Rainboom her way outta so much and still make me want to cuddle and smooch her by the end of the day! Platonically, Rarity's my waifu. Forehead smooches, not lips. I'm a dirty man. And besides I'm probably giving myself too much credit, I most likely just wanted to make Rainbow Dash retarded for a cheap laugh. Fooled you for a second though fgt
My Dearest Brother was truly a work of art, huh? Atlas Shrugged art, not Leonardo da Vinci's career art.
Yes it is, writing just sucks and I'm probably the kind of guy who makes jokes only he'd find funny.
He literally says he's my mouthpiece. I'm not even gonna use any hyperbole or exaggeration, you're a fucking dip for missing what I tried to make the most tryhard line of the story. Take this L my dude:
L
Trust me it's just too deep for you, I'm a warrior of written word, savior of all literature. Accept me as Writing Jesus. No seriously do it, it's for a hilarious prank [IN THE HOOD] I'll upload to Youtube, before it gets stolen by some e-celeb.
Dick jokes! They're DICK JOKES! I can't believe you'd misgender me like this, cis scum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!
Are you trying to threaten or seduce me? I'm warning you, I know Korean Tae Kwon Do and have adapted it to suit my needs. My needs are fucking hookers.
I thought bursting into treats is crazy enough for FiMFIction? Shit, time to step up my game. Rainbows at Twilight 2: Fusion Time After Time is gonna have the T-Rex F-22 dogfight I cut from this one. No, wait, Konami fired me. Enjoy Rainbows at Survive with zombies, bitchboy :^)
I imagined you writing this, and then pushing up your glasses and saying "Y-yeah, I'm not offended now! Y-you got r-rekt, Still Not Ben Stiller! MOM, WHERE'S MY PEPSI?!"
I politely disagree, Rainbow Dash going blind was way better. I fucking hated Ask Blind Dash, the Tumblr blog, so I let myself jack off a bit there. Best idea I ever had, but I'm glad we can all appreciate the movie for our own reasons.
No trust me, ignoring childhood abuse is hilarious, it's gonna be in Spaceballs 2. Mel Brooks told me while I circumcised an African midget, shit was rad even though my nose hasn't shrunk yet.
Oh, spideremblembrony, if only I didn't lose you so quickly after we met. We could've had so much fun together. I planned frolicking, picnics, bank robberies, orgies, and so much more! I'll miss you, my belle.
And so, I never learned what really happened in that blog. As far as everyone's concerned, I'm just a killer, and I got what I deserved.
EDIT: Rumors of me posting this before finishing it have been
not at allgrossly exaggerated.NOW FOR THE DLC: "NoViStJo's Wack-Ass Trip." Where I reply to comments I want to reply to for a variety of reasons.
3141370 I'm sorry, but Mad Max Fury Road was garbage. It got outsold by PITCH FUCKING PERFECT 2 on launch day, for god's sake. No matter how many Oscars it won, it doesn't deserve to live that down.
3146563 You called it my man. Fuck I still laugh about that car that made a WIlhelm Scream.
3158567 Why do your avatar and comment make me imagine you as a chubby kid with pudding dripping out of his lips as he speaks?
4255256 That is your opinion.
And your opinion is fucking wrong!
4255530 Being outsold ain't an opinion, my dude.
4256134