Critique Review: The Wedding is Off · 10:10am Oct 19th, 2016
If there was a fic that pointed out all the flaws in the show with Twilight being the biggest bitch in the universe, would you want to read it?
No, you wouldn’t. Because you know you’ve got me to do that job!
And sure enough, I’ve found that fic!
The story, The Wedding is Off, is a story about how Twilight and Cadance are so much better than every other character in the story. Despite the fact that none of the reasons make sense. The story does boast nearly 200 likes though.
But as we’ve seen in these reviews, that doesn’t mean shit.
Why waste everyone’s time with an intro? Let’s hop into this thing and see what kind of trainwreck I’m getting into this week.
And the trainwreck is the very first thing we see.
Princess Cadance and Shining Armor had generated enough power for love, so much power that they floated up in the air and surrounded the room in a flash of light, Chrysalis turned around and saw what was about to happen, the five elements of harmony had watched happily as Shining Armor and Cadance's love for each other gave them power, but as for Twilight, who had quickly remembered all the pressure that they had put on her at the practice rehearsal earlier, was not so happy.
The first sentence is also our first paragraph. … Run-on sentences are not your friend, people.
Also, why isn’t Twilight happy? Would she prefer being eating by a bunch of insects that would rip her love out of her ears?!
Obviously, this is the most important thing on Twilight’s mind.
God, I wish Cadance hadn’t saved Shining Armor and everyone else I care about. They all needed to die in order for the true master race to come into power. Hail, Chelesto!
After the defeat of Chrysalis, Twilight is pissed off that everyone cares about Cadance and Shining Armor’s wedding, rather than the fact that she was right and everyone else was wrong.
"A REAL WEDDING?!, IS THAT ALL YOU IDIOTS CAN THINK ABOUT????!!!!!!!!!" her scream of anger echoed in the room, there was soon immediate silence, they had never seen Twilight this angry.
Except for that one time.
"You all are my problem, can you not see what has just happened, we nearly lost Canterlot to a group of monsters that wanted our love, and they nearly got all of Equestria, and still all you care about is the damn wedding?!"
Lady, they didn’t! The bad thing that you are so upset about didn’t fucking happen not because of anything you did! So, sit down and shut the fuck up!
Celestia tries to reason with her, but Twilight just slaps her in the face. You know, like a five year old.
Twilight berates Celestia for being captured, even though when you went to find the Elements of Harmony, you were captured. Double standards much?
But Applejack brings up a solid point, she didn’t exactly have evidence against Cadance and Shining Armor’s claims. Also, it wasn’t Cadance the imposter who explained why Twilight was wrong, it was Shining Armor, not under any mind control at that point. Because he genuinely believed that the mare was Cadance… But this does bring up one issue with the show is… Why did Chrysalis hypnotize Shining at the wedding? Did she know that Cadance was coming?
Is Chrysalis turning into Jigsaw, knowing things she couldn’t possibly know?!
Twilight tells everypony that she was frightened and scared when she got trapped in the crystal dungeon. Which why you acted like an animal when this happened.
Somewhere out in the universe, Mykan just came. And he has no idea why.
"I know I NEEDED proof, and I KNOW I was acting irrational, but does that really excuse the fact that we were facing the threat of an attack?!, Did that excuse the fact that nopony thought to carry out ANY checks for the behavior of Cadance?! or Shining?!, Didn't any of you bother to think it could've better been safe than sorry?!, Or were you all just too blind to your own ignorance and stupidity because materialism is more important than friendship?!
You know… Twilight brings up a good point… Except for one… itty, bitty, tiny, little, miniscule little problem.
Shining Armor stood up for her!
They had no reason to believe you, when you said you hadn’t seen her in years, not to mention that you had no idea that her real name was Mi Amore Cadenza. Shining Armor had spent the last few YEARS with this woman. Your friends have no previous experience with her. So, why are you being such a bitch to them?!
If anything, you should be berating your stupid brother for not noticing! But then that’s covered, because he explains that they are both stressed due to the fact that he is trying to protect Canterlot against an impending attack, while Cadance is planning their wedding by herself.
Also, it is never implied how long Cadance is actually captured for. Yeah, she looks like crap, but it doesn’t look like she’s starving to death. Just like she’s been beaten into submission if anything. She has enough strength to fly and to stand so, she can’t be that hungry or thirsty.
And don’t give me this bullcrap about ‘they might have fed her.’ They have no reason to keep her alive, other than ‘it’s a kid’s show’. Even by those standards, there’s no evidence of them needing her alive, other than to gloat.
This whole review is possibly going to be me pointing out why the premise of this thing doesn’t work. I’m so glad this is what I decided to review this week. I hope I get an aneurysm from this.
And to show that Twilight could not possibly be any more petty, let’s have a link to the Little Mermaid where King Triton destroys Ariel's treasure trove.
Where in that movie, Triton did it out of anger that Ariel is needlessly putting herself in danger for a man she barely knows. This fic has Twilight destroy Shining Armor and Cadance’s wedding and all the work CADANCE put into it and all the decisions CADANCE made. And then was forced into not seeing her wedding day by being kidnapped. And the reason why Twilight does this is to be petty.
There are no words.
"I'm sorry Celestia, but I quit, I'm no longer your student, goodbye!" she said storming out of the room and leaving behind a group of ponies and a now ex-teacher inside a now destroyed wedding room
Best ending to season 7 ever!
And then… Spike does a complete 180 and turns as bitchy as Twilight. Way to set an example of a model citizen, Twilight. I’m sure Spike won’t turn out to be like those hooligans on the street.
Now that’s a character change, I can get behind.
"No, I have no intention of calming down, you all nearly made Canterlot fall, and all you still care about is some stupid wedding and as for you Rainbow Trash..." he said turning his attention to her, "That little bonehead phrase you said, just proves it all, you're not loyal, nor do you care about Twilight, your friends, or me, all you care about is yourself, I hope the Wonderbolts never accept you, it would serve you right if they rejected you!" Rainbow Dash gasped at this.
No, Spike. The reason they don’t follow her is not because they don’t like her. It’s because she’s being a self-entitled bitch and I don’t give a fuck if she’s sad. The story just made her irredeemable as a character.
Why do all the stories I review do this?!
And then Cadance actually gets mad at Shining Armor for not knowing that she had been kidnapped. Yes, blame him, Cadance. It’s not like your imposter was a shapeshifter who acted like you and had his backing and had a distraction to keep him from thinking about her and if she might have been acting strange. It’s not like the villain actually acted with any kind of intelligence.
He totally deserves this.
Also, is no one going to mention that Cadance was kidnapped and forced into a cave for who knows how long? I’m pretty sure she’s busting for a piss right now.
"I can't believe that you would do something like that to somepony who trusts you, how could you reject a nice unicorn like Twilight, and after all she did for you all?"
"It wasn't like that," Applejack tried to explain, "we only wanted..."
"Oh I know what you all wanted," Cadance interrupted, "You're not her friends, you're just using her to get what you all want, it must feel really good!"
This sure takes conspiracy theories to a whole nother level. Any other words of wisdom you want bestow upon the audience.
She then turned to Shining Armor, "Now if you'll excuse me I've got a unicorn to comfort, and you can forget about us getting married, in fact if I were you, I wouldn't even come near me or Twilight at all, and as for you Celestia, you're the one that has a lot to think about!"
This wouldn’t have happened if the Starfleet Unicorns were in charge.
Twilight is seen crying and why do I care? Spike comes and apologizes, even though Twilight acted far more like a bitch than he ever did. Good job, story. You just made me hate Twilight more than Spike. Not an easy feat to do.
And then… Even Celestia has her Cheerios pissed in.
Princess Celestia was in her throne room angrily signing papers with her magic her guards were so scared of her now that they fled the castle in fear of how she would react if they even talked to her, as she signed the last paper, the throne room doors opened and revealed Cadance with a look of disappointment, apparently Celestia was not in the mood to even see her.
"What do you want Cadance, can't you see I'm busy?!" she blustered, Cadance flinched.
"I just came in here to tell you that Twilight will be staying in Canterlot for a while, she's still upset with you and the others for what happened earlier, she won't be returning to Ponyville anytime soon." she said, Celestia gave a frustrated sigh.
"Fine by me Cadance, just leave me." she ordered, Cadance did so and left, leaving Celestia alone to sulk, she wasn't mad because Twilight quit on her, but because Luna had somehow disappeared during the attack, when she should've been helping with it.
This is why Celestia is better than Luna.
I never get tired of that.
So, the story wants to answer the question of why Luna didn’t show up to fend off the changelings when they invaded.
Look, guys. The truth is, she’s been gone for 1000 years, she hasn’t had anypony around. Sometimes you just have to have a night to yourself with a some prostitutes.
Celestia isn’t exactly happy with that and banishes Luna to the moon for another 1000 years. Way to leave her pussy cold, Celestia.
Actually, she just tells Luna to not abandon her post, like she was a dog who tracked mud into the house. Why is everyone else yelling at each other for stupid things, but when it comes to the author's favorite character, she gets a slap on the wrist?!
Thankfully, Luna has a comeback to Celestia’s punishment, which makes a whole lot of sense. You know, as much as anything else in this fic.
"What I'm saying is that every single time a threat comes to Equestria, you always make Twilight stop it, such as when Discord got set free, Twilight had to defeat him, while you just sat on your big fat butt and did nothing, she has every right to quit, which is what the big point is, you call her your student, but in reality, you've just been using her as a tool to get attention and glory, when it all should've gone to her, plus the fact that you're always relying on those filthy elements of harmony to solve everything, so it's partially your fault too."
Okay, one, she no longer has connection to the Elements of Harmony. When we are shown the flashback, we see that the only reason she was able to beat Nightmare Moon, is because of those ‘filthy’ deus ex machinas. But why would I expect the author to show clairvoyance? After all this was written in July of 2014. The episode that showed this didn’t appear until November of 2013.
Two, she never stole the limelight from Twilight. When the hell did she steal the spotlight from her? She was given a memorial in honor of her heroic services. The ponies all recognize her to solve a lot of their problems, meaning that she has a reputation of doing so.
Oh, and who remembers this scene?
Boom! Stuck that dildo up your butthole, story! What’s your next move?!
We then cut to Applejack who is being prepared for a stake burning like it’s the Salem Witch Trials.
"You should be ashamed of yourself Applejack!" he scolded.
"Ah know, Big Mac." she said sulking.
"Why did you do it in the first place, did you ever stop to even look at the strange behavior?" he asked.
"Well...no."
"Then why would you even bother taking a phony's side?"
Dude, they were giving her the fucking benefit of the doubt here! That’s what good people do and it’s why I don’t have friends!
On top of that, they don’t KNOW Cadance! How can they possibly judge a person and how they normally act, if they just met said person!
Ugh!
"Because ah' thought she was really cryin', plus Twilight was actin' stupid."
"That's no excuse, Applejack, you've got some thinkin' to do!" he said as he left the room, Applejack plopped her head on her pillow and started bawling.
And then Applejack hung herself. But the story couldn’t give two squirts of piss about it.
It then goes through each of the main characters to have them be bullied, humiliated and shamed for something that should really be an isolated incident between them and Twilight. That means that Twilight told everypony what they had done, most likely telling them lies about what happened, and turning everyone against them because Twilight is as petty as the characters from My Little Space Unicorn.
And we want these characters to become friends again? Is that what I’m supposed to feel? Because all I’m feeling is that these ponies need to go ‘Why Did I Do This?’ on Twilight’s ass!
Even Shining Armor isn’t immune by it, with his parents berating him for not knowing his wife was an imposter.
"Shining, didn't you even stop to see how she was behaving, cause from what Twilight told us, plus evidence from a couple of guards, she didn't look stressed out at all." Night Light said.
"How did you get evidence?" he asked
"We had a guard knock on our door and he told us what you did, plus he brought us some pictures here for you to see." he said levitating some photos snapped from a camera that the guard had used, when Shining Armor saw these photos, he was now in shock, damn why didn't he stop to see this.
"Another question is, why did you shrug off the threat, you should've been concentrating more on the threat and not the wedding!" Twilight Velvet said.
"I figured that the force field was strong enough to keep the threat away." he said.
This is a fic that only works if you’ve never seen the show before and hopes that it can trick you with its weak ass arguments of why the ponies are idiots. And that’s why he wrote it for bronies who watch the series. Surely, they’ll seem stupid compared to you.
And then an angry mob makes for Celestia’s castle to burn it to the ground for the crimes Celestia and Luna made against them.
So, they do and they kill Celestia and Luna, making it impossible to run a stable form of government because all their political leaders are dead. Well, except this pony.
But seriously, even I wouldn’t vote for him.
Shining Armor resigns because he’s afraid that his sister will kill herself if she doesn’t. Oh, great. Another fic that will deal with the trauma of depression. I wonder how tasteless this will be?
And then… this happens…
She decided to go out and check it out, once she was outside, it was proven true, everypony was mad at her, because she was surrounded by a group of ponies with angered expressions.
"Hey look everypony, it's are so-called leader!" one pony said.
"Let's get her!" another said, Celestia tried to retreat back into her quarters, but she was soon tackled down by the crowd, suddenly they began beating her up, kicking her, punching her, and spitting on her. This lasted for about 20 minutes until a group of guards flew over after seeing the fight, and managed to break it up. Some ponies in the group were arrested for assault, once it was over, Celestia did her best to get back up on her hooves, when she did, it was not good, she had a black eye, a bloody nose, and a sharp pain in her right wing, she was too beaten to even move.
And then she turns into the God Empress of Ponykind and incinerates them for their sins. That, I would be okay with.
Apparently, two fucking months have passed since the invasion, and Equestria is in ruin because… Well, let’s face it, Twilight’s a bitch.
The chapter spends most of it’s time sucking on Twilight’s dick saying how ‘She’s so great.’ and ‘She’s so wonderful.’ and ‘We should all offer our buttholes to her unicorn horn.’ Maybe Twilight didn’t become an alicorn by strength of character and learning how to be a good pony. Maybe she guilted Celestia into doing it. If this fic is any indication, it wouldn’t shock me.
"Ah'm the element of honesty, but I was dishonest to all of this." Applejack said.
… How?
Ugh, I could spend another minute and a half ranting about how it’s not their fault and Twilight is making a mountain out of an anthill at this point, but I just don’t give a shit and I’d be repeating myself more than the story.
So, let’s just move on.
They agree to buy a good gift for Twilight, hoping that it will help them forgive her.
Author's Note:
Help Shining Armor find the best apology.
I was thinking a pickaxe. In her skull.
Not how I would have pictured it, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.
So it turns out that Shining Armor was under mind control when he discovered Chrysalis was an imposter and that Twilight was overreacting when she blamed him for it.
Umh… FUCKING DUH!
And even after destroying his wedding and insulting him, Shining Armor apologizes to Twilight for not believing her when she told him his bride was evil.
No, I didn’t write that wrong. Shining Armor apologizes to Twilight. Because why the hell should Twilight apologize for being a fucking dumbass and damaging everypony’s reputation over something that is between them and her?!
The rest of the story is pretty much all teary confessions about how everyone is a horrible pony and that Twilight should be god of the universe and that they should all stand in a circle and cap each other in the head at the same time for her entertainment because that is all they are worth to the fucking story.
And the others earn Twilight’s forgiveness so easily, that I wonder why the author even bothered to write the story when he wasn’t even going to do anything with the entire premise of this thing.
And of course, Twilight suffers no consequences to her actions and her behavior, despite her being right about Cadance being evil, she did destroy a wedding that probably cost a lot of money and a wedding she had no right to destroy in the first place. She was outright cruel to her friends, turning them into public enemy number 1 and turned an angry mob against Celestia and Luna all so she could sleep better at night!
Up yours, Twilight and up yours, story!
Even if we ignore all the points the story tries to make that just don’t add up, this fic is just mean-spirited. Twilight is needlessly cruel to her friends. In fact, everyone is just nasty in this story.
Right down to Princess Cadance breaking up with Shining Armor for something that wasn’t even his fault. Hell, the fact that even when she was out of the caves, Shining Armor didn’t recognize her because he was under Chrysalis’s spell. That should have been a red flag that he was blameless in all this.
The story comes up with the most flimsy excuse for a plot that I’ve ever seen. I understand that friends sometimes make mistakes and that we can hold it against them. But the story has the weakest excuse for Twilight to go bananas over nothing. She blames them for something that they couldn’t have possibly known and the story forces them to apologize for it.
This story isn’t about solving a problem that arose from circumstances beyond the character’s control. This isn’t a story about controlling your anger to keep you from saying something you regret. This is a story about being right.
That’s all this fic teaches you. The most important thing in the world is being right and showing how right you are to everyone.
Friends, families, loved ones, respect, dignity, compassion, understanding, justice, it doesn’t matter about those thing. All that matters is that Twilight was right. Why do you think Twilight is never punished for her incredibly destructive behavior?
It’s because the story doesn’t think she’s wrong, therefore, there is no need for her to be punished. This kind of vile, nasty, toxic, and cruel behavior is perfectly acceptable when dealing with a problem. And that Twilight’s friends are horrible ponies who should feel guilty that they were wrong and should apologize for that error, despite the fact that they were not only unaware of information they couldn’t possibly have access to, but they were being more mature about it to begin with.
And then the ending. Oh, god, the ending. I could understand if the story wanted to keep it’s mean-spirited tone the whole way through the fic. But then it cuts to the most kindergarten friendly ending you could possibly have for this story.
Twilight instantly forgives them for their ‘mistake’, and I use that term very loosely, and there is really no compromise between the characters. The other characters just surrender to Twilight’s whims and everything is peaceful with the world. No consequences for the angry mob, no consequences for Twilight telling everypony how horrible her friends are, no consequences for Shining Armor and Princess Cadance breaking up. It’s like if a giant dragon had appeared in the story and the story just wrote ‘But we know that the heroes win, so they do. And they all lived happily ever after’.
Well, I know one pony who definitely isn’t happy! Before, now or ever after!
You know, this is always my biggest problem with this fix and why it pales in comparison to post nuptials. It doesn't really stop to ask itself three big questions
1. How was Cadence different from a bridezilla,? Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie all have a job that putz them in the way of such ponies. Hell they have seen worse than Cadence.
2. What if ther was no Chrysalis? Yeah, easy to have the high ground when there really is a bad guy, but what about if this wasn't an awesome show? I have seen this plot before and Twilihht got off lighy! At that momeny, Twilight was acting like a jelous stuck up selfish bitch who wanted her shining all to herself.
3. Why? Yeah, simple, one word, but it means so much. Why would Twilight, who we see forgive Luna instantly, not forgive her friends just as fast. Why would Luna say Celestia I'd religious on those elements to save the day when they were used against bigger threats she couldn't handle. Yeah, bitch. Remember Discord, chaos incarnate? The guy who turned your world upside down? The elements were the only thing capable of kicking his ass.
What I hate most about this style of story is that the author put too much of himself into it, not thinking logically at all
Though as we've seen, 200 likes does not a great story make.
As we saw from the eye-bleedingly bad first darkness war.
Because that's totally Twilight.
Also, after a stressful situation like this, wouldn't a little celebration be good, to lift everyone's spirits and all?
Twilight was then incinerated for her impudence... wait, no version of Celestia that I've ever written would do this, no matter how lapsed in morals.
Yet that doesn't excuse acting like a bitch to everyone.
Wow, that is incredibly petty. Face down the terrors of the galaxy, battle some of the most vicious monsters in existence, help your mentor slay a god, and you're quitting over a wedding?
... Wait, none of that has happened yet.
First off, when did Spike become this... "eloquent"?
Second off, they didn't let Canterlot fall; they tried their hardest to get to the Elements and save the day, but they failed because there was too many Changelings (and so Cadence and Shining could do their magic love bomb). Letting Canterlot fall would be if they just stood around doing nothing while Changelings burned the place to the ground.
If a mare is stuck in a cave and no one is watching, does she defend her modesty?
Really? I thought it was answering the question of "What happens when I make Twilight a psycho bitch?"
Would Luna really talk like this? Luna, a princess who's been around since long before the main cast's many times great grand parents were alive? Luna, who has always tried to talk with a quiet and respectful tone (after she was taught that Canterlock was no longer in vogue)? Luna, who does love her sister and was really happy to get back from the moon (which, by the way, was facilitated by those "filthy" Elements of Harmony)?
God, I hate this fic.
They're politicians?
Oh, I'm sorry that I got BRAINWASHED INTO THINKING NOTHING WAS WRONG!!! I'll really try to break through that next time.
Even his own people don't want to vote for him.
But I digress. I've hated every single stuffed shirt that wants to run the country this year (left, right, and center), so I'm not one to talk politics.
Yes.
How about this:
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/warhammer40k/images/e/e9/Exterminatus_Retribution.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130419190839
Seriously, there's no hope in redeeming the stupidity of this world.
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2567-2c6.png
"Didn't you just tell me about the bloodshed perpetrated by the Crusades? Doesn't that make you no better than the holy men you were telling me about?"
"The difference is that I am right."
"Spoken like a true autocrat."
That might work in a parody story (a well-executed parody story, mind you)... and absolutely nowhere else.
This is why I hate fix fics of any kind. They don't ADDRESS the problems they just try and make everyone else stupid for the sake of saving their favorite character because 'BEST PONY DESERVES TO BE SAVED!' instead of actually ADDRESSING the problems they feel where there.
Fixfics. Fucking fixfics man. They so rarely work and when they fail they tend to fail on a magnitude of fucking 20. But ho boy, that's nothing compared to what this trainwreck did. t actually made me rge (and that is very hard todo since I tr to see the best in even the shittiest fanfics).
There is nothing in the story that mkes sense, the characters are all idiots, not to mention the 'punishment' the author decided to give to some of them are way out of proportions. Clearly nopony in this story has heard of the expression "There is no use crying over spilled milk". Twilight is an absolute cunt and Cadance is a bitch and a half.
Congratulations story! Now I hate everyone in this world and I just want to hurry up the doomsday machine I am building in my basement. Fuck you!
I feel so sorry for you man. At least you survived.
I've been wanting this to happen for a long time now.
4261872
Right? First chapter and I was already thinking this was going to be garbage.
4261905
This = Win.
Don't worry. You're not the only one.
Maybe a parody of this fic where Twilight acts like a bitch and gets sent to the moon until she learns her lesson.
4261988 This fic in a nutshell.
4262625 What's that? Me have an aneurism?
4267693 Oh no, sorry. I meant I've been wanting to put down fix fics for a while.