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spideremblembrony


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Oct
5th
2016

Critique Reviews: SiC Part 1 - Ain't Want No Yeller Ponies 'Round Here · 10:24am Oct 5th, 2016


Hey, remember that story I read a year ago about Celestia becoming the god of the human world and basically abusing and lording her power over everypony else?



Wanna see some more by this author?


Because I certainly do!



God of Two Worlds is the story of Celestia lording over the humans and ponies as a tyrant, even though there is little evidence that she could possibly be that, even within the story itself. The only explanation given is that the only one that people should worship is God.


I’m not going to get into a religious debate because that would just show how stupid I am, but Celestia from the show has never shown herself to be worshiped as a god.


Bottom line, it was a Christian fic if it had the gore of Cupcakes and the sexual innuendos of My Immortal.


Needless to say, it wasn’t very Christian.


Now, let’s get one thing straight here, I do not care about what your religion is. My care is for the story. How does it hold up and does it make sense? Just throwing that out there before I receive a thousand plus angry emails about how I am a dumb twat who hates on your religion. Just send me an angry email about how I’m a dumb twat.


The story we’re looking at today is a series called… Um… SiC?


What does that stand for?


Standard Industrial Classification?


Swiss International Clearing?


Simplified Instructional Computer?


Sorry, I can’t (write)?


Yeah, the last one sounds the closest.


You’ll notice that there is a part one to this because there are several pieces to this story. All of them unrelated as far as I can tell, but usually dealing with Christian themes. So, let’s see if this can improve on the awful God of Two Worlds or if this was just better left unread.


The story begins with Applejack trotting along to buy a cinnamon bun from a food court in Manehattan. The story says that she’s been living there for sometime now and away from Sweet Apple Acres. Why is she there you ask?


Well, that’s simple.

I love it when Pinkie Pie explains things.


Applejack buys her cinnamon bun and… we get an employee who is a little too happy to see her.

Applejack took out her bag of bits and reached into the bag. She took out two bits for the sweet treat and placed them on the counter. She pointed at the biggest cinnamon bun that they sold and said, "I'll take that big cinnamon bun ya have in that window please!"


The employee went over and got her the treat. He slid it across the counter and Applejack caught it with her hoof. She instantly took a huge bite out of it and said with a mouthful of food, "Thanks again fer the treat! I love comin' here fer yer sticky cinnamon buns! I'll see ya tomorrow!"


"Bye, bye Applejack. I'm so happy that you love coming here. You're my most valued customer and tomorrow, the treat is on me! Hope to see you again!"

And then the shop was forced to close down because Applejack spread that treats are now free in this store.


Also, Applejack, I wouldn’t come near that place again! It sounds like a stalker and is trying to win your affection through pastry goods! Who knows what he’ll resort to next?!



As Applejack walks home, through an alleyway, by the way… Really? Good call there, Applejack.

Applejack thanked him and began to trot away with her beloved treat. As she walked through the alley to go home, she was suddenly attacked by a pony that had run up to her and grabbed the treat from her, as well as her bag of bits. He shoved her to the ground, after he took her belongings and ran off at full speed ahead.

Anyway, as it just said, Applejack gets attacked and her bits and treat stolen from her. She doesn’t give chase to the thief, but she does swear off black people from her life. I mean, black people.


No. I’m not kidding. That’s what the story is going for.

Applejack was stunned. She laid back against the brick wall and raised her hoof in the air at him as he ran away. "Gimmie back my treat ya thiven' vermin!"


The thief turned the corner and before she even got up, he was already gone.


"Why that no good dirty yeller pony took my treat and my money! I knew all yeller ponies were bad! I hear 'em often talkin' slang and I see them in the poorer side of the city. I bet they all like to steal and they all talk with those slang words! I hate 'em all!"

This is a formal apology to any person of color reading this, because I really have to ask, ‘what the fuck, story?!’


And for those of you wondering, why the hell would she hate yellow when her friend, Fluttershy, is yellow? Well, that’s because this is before the Sonic Rainboom happened.


What? You couldn’t tell at first? Well, that’s because the story is so bad at explaining it, that I didn’t even figure it out until this part in the story. And taking into account that Applejack is still a filly by this point, around Apple Bloom’s age, why the hell is she in Manehattan by herself?! She’s lucky it wasn’t worse than just a simple pastry robbery!


Second, that’s a lot of complicated thoughts for a 10 year old! All I was thinking about when I was 10 was why everyone liked Charmander more than Bulbasaur!


Third, that makes that scene with the bakery sales pony all the more creepier if he’s that happy to see a little kid!


Applejack, get the fuck away from that petofile!



Anyway, Applejack heads back to her Aunt and Uncle’s house, something the story is atrocious about making clear.

Applejack looked out of her window and sighed. She hated staying here, not just because dinners portions were so small and she was often left hungry in the middle of the night, but because of what happened earlier today.

Nah, she’s upset because she just found out what color her aunt and uncle are. Don’t believe me? Look! Look!




So, she’s racist against her aunt and uncle, who are apparently poor and speak in slurs?! Thanks for setting that up for me, story! I’m so glad that this idea isn’t dead on arrival!


Also, we’re not even going to talk about the dinner party. Her aunt and uncle trying to turn her into something she’s not? Why the hell her parents aren’t around? Anything that would make her want to leave, besides the out of nowhere racism?! That also encompasses her aunt and uncle, whom she doesn’t even mention!


Anyway, as you have guessed, the Sonic Rainboom occurs and Applejack says this…

Just as she was about to turn around and go into the kitchen, she saw the most magnificent rainbow in the sky. "Wow! I wonder where that rainbow came from! I see it points right back to Sweet Apple Acres! I feel that it's my destiny to go back to the farm. I need to get out of this place. I know there ain't no yeller ponies livin' in Ponyville. In the city, they swarm like cock roaches in a filthy apartment.

Does this story like Applejack to tell everyone what she is feeling rather than showing us how she is feeling? Because that’s the only reason I could give that this story just had her monologue about her feelings.


You couldn’t have her feel like going back to Sweet Apple Acres not because of racism, but because she didn’t belong there. She didn’t believe that the living conditions and the lifestyles of her Aunt and Uncle were right for her.


Way to take away that character development!

That two seconds had more character development than this story! At least she turned from pony to rooster!



She arrives at Sweet Apple Acres where she discovers that her little sister, who we have to assume is born by this point because how would she be born if her parents aren’t around anymore since they are never shown seeing Applejack off or welcoming her back, is yellow. … Yeah, explain that one, story!



And yes, Apple Bloom doesn’t appear in that scene, but I doubt she was old enough to walk yet, anyway!


And I very much doubt that Apple Bloom would have been born AFTER Applejack left, because without her parents, how the fuck did they conceive Apple Bloom?! Unless this is some conspiracy that Apple Bloom is actually the Princess of the Universe that was kidnapped at birth from her home and picked up by Granny Smith on her way to the grocery store, but that has its own universe of stupid.

Applejack slammed her mug of spiked apple cider down on the table and then used her other front leg to wipe the foamy beard off of her mouth. "I hate yeller ponies! There ain't a day that goes by when I don't hate em!"

Apple Bloom would later be found hanging herself, but Applejack couldn’t give two squirts of piss about it.


In fact, Applejack is so racist against yellow ponies that she refuses to play the color yellow in a board game. Um… what?

Why in Equestria do ya keep givin' me the yeller pieces? I don't want to play on the yeller side!" Applejack became upset and shoved the board game off of the table.

Okay, fine, you can be red this time, Applejack. I didn’t know there was a fucking difference!


Also, I’m pretty sure this is not how racism works. If someone is racist against black people, do they cut off or dye their black hair or never buy black T-shirts?


Big MacIntosh decides to feed her sister’s racist behavior rather than, I don’t fucking know, do something about it!

Big Macintosh put his elbow on the table and sighed. He leaned his head against his hoof. He wasn't racist, but he would end up agreeing with everything his sister said because if there was a disagreement, Applejack would lash out at him and she would argue incessantly until he finally agreed with her. He also knew that when she drank, she would become more angry and racist.

Probably a good reason to keep her away from the apple cider, Big Mac! You’re the worst brother ever!

I’ve been waiting years to do that joke! Totally worth!

"So, ya agree with me that yeller ponies are no good?" Applejack asked in a louder tone of voice.

Big Macintosh jolted up because he was half asleep. He shook his head yes and said, "E-yup."

And now, Big Mac has just been reduced to a completely unlikable character. Even though he’s not racist, he’s still promoting Applejack’s behavior as acceptable. I don’t care if he ends up saving an orphanage from burning to the ground and saves and adopts all the orphans before winning the affection of Ms. Cheerilee. He will still be unlikable.


Suddenly, Fluttershy walks into the bar and asks for a Root Beer and Applejack refuses to serve her ‘kind’ around here. Is it because she isn’t a true pegasus and that’s why they don’t grind her into rainbows? Because of Pegasus Master Race Purity? Because that’s the only reason I can see that this would even make it past Celestia when she promotes Griffins getting the same rights as ponies to the point where they go to flight school together. No matter how many angry letters I send her way.


The story says that Fluttershy would never file a lawsuit because she is so kind, but even with that fact, there are other ponies she interacts with every week that I guarantee you are yellow. For one, HER FUCKING BABY SISTER!



:ajbemused: We don’t serve your kind in my family!



:applecry: But… Applejack…


:ajbemused: Shut up! You ain’t my daughter! Not anymore!



:applecry: But… I was never your daughter…


:ajsmug: I’m glad we understand each other.


The next day, Applejack heads over to the bank and Fluttershy just HAPPENS to be there as well. Oh, I sure hope this leads to more casual racism.

Applejack began to cry out to the public for help. "HELP! Thief! A yeller pony is tryin' to steal my money!"


The yellow pony began to panic and dropped the envelope full of money to the ground. "Oh no! This fell out of your saddle bag and I just wanted to return it the rightful owner. I'm so sorry if you took it the wrong way."

Because that’s what I associate Applejack from the show with. A racist who is friends with a zebra, a draconis and a dragon… Seriously, where is the logic here again?


Fortunately, the officer at the bank, who is secretly screaming to the author about how stupid this whole setup is, saw the whole thing and realizes that Applejack is just being an idiot. Applejack runs off after insulting Fluttershy about how her father is an abusive drunk and her mother’s a whore. And how she’s going to be forced onto the street to sell her body for money. And how she’s going to die alone with no one around her. And how I’m going to come by after she’s dead and mount her corpse on my wall as a trophy.


Or something to that effect. I’m still thinking about the peto-cinnamon roll salesman.



You stay the fuck away from me and my cinnamon rolls!



The next chapter sees Applejack partying with the other four characters of the main six. Including Twilight Sparkle, even though she has no lines here.

"And ya'll are so much fun to be with! Ya'll are the very best four ponies and friends I have ever had!"


Rainbow Dash giggled and said, "And we think you're pretty awesome too, Applejack! We're all so glad to see you and we're thrilled that we can hang out together."

Umm… Did you even see the first episode? Twilight didn’t want a party! She wanted to warn everyone about Nightmare Moon! And this story acts like that whole segment with Nightmare Moon doesn’t exist.


So, answer me this, story. If Nightmare Moon doesn’t exist, what reason does Twilight have to go to Ponyville? What reason does she have to make friends? What reason does she have to give a shit about anything Princess Celestia says about doing either of those things when there are no consequences for not doing those things? Sure, she could banish her or throw her in a dungeon, but that would just show Celestia as being a dick. Granted, this author has done that in the past for no reason, so… Wow, just answered my own question.


Carry on.


But the mood is ruined by the appearance of the worst character in the show.



Oh, go cry to somepony who gives a shit.



I said somepony! Let’s not mix races here!


Pinkie Pie wants to introduce Fluttershy to Applejack, but Applejack turns against the ponies who were best friends with her a minute ago and she wanted to die for and to fuck in an alleyway when no one was looking.

The farm pony stood there in shock. She became filled with anger and spat at the hooves of Fluttershy and said, "I thought ya'll were good ponies and didn't hang 'round with yeller ponies!"

"I hate yeller ponies! I hate 'em all! They talk funny and they steal, cheat, and lie!"

Again, one incident! I realize that’s all it can take to send someone into a frenzy, but come fucking on, we never see this kind of incident come up again, even fucking once in the story! That robber that stole Applejack’s apple fritters (don’t care to look back at the story to double check it wasn’t something else. I’m not going near that petofile.) never even got a line of dialogue! No description of what he looks like and we only have Applejack’s word that the thief was yellow. He could have been purple with pink polka dots for all I know.


So, this racism, even if she didn’t have immediate family members that had the coat color she hates, makes no God-damn sense! It is so incredibly forced that it feels like that turd you push out of your butt instead of letting gravity take care of it. Painful.

"I ain't got no accent!" Applejack yelled. "And I ain't hangin' 'round no yeller ponies and a friend of a yeller pony is a friend that is no longer mine! Ya'll can either choose to hang out with me or that no good yeller belly, Fluttershy. I ain't havin' nothin' to do with her."


"Oh, um, that's ok. I understand. You all can play with Applejack today. I know I'm not wanted anyway. I'll just take care of Angel Bunny and play with him. I'm sorry for being such a problem to all of you," Fluttershy said as she walked back into her house and then quietly closed the door.

And then Nightmare Moon conquered the world and turned everypony into their slaves. And by extant, cured Applejack’s racism. Because she’s dead.


See? It’s already improving the story.


And then… it starts getting weird.

"What is the big deal, Applejack?" Pinkie Pie asked. "We're all different colors and I don't understand why Fluttershy is any different than the rest of us."


"That's what ya'll missin' here! Yeller ponies are no good and one time when I was in Manehatten, a yeller pony stole my food and my money!"


Twilight was trying to piece this all together. "So you mean that just because a pony who happened to have a yellow coat stole from you, makes all ponies with yellow coats bad?" she asked.


"Yes! Wait, I mean no!"

Um… what? What the hell do you mean ‘no’?! What the fuck was the point of anything I just read then?! Is this story fucking with me?!



You hate yellow ponies because of this one incident! That is what you fucking showed us! We SAW that! You put that in your fucking story, you mook! Did the story just forget that Applejack threw Fluttershy out of her bar for having the color yellow somewhere on her person?! Because that scene happened BEFORE Applejack attacked and insulted her at the bank!



And again, we aren’t even going to mention the little sister you have?! You have no excuse this time! She’s friends with Twilight and the others! Apple Bloom officially exists in the show! The audience has seen her with this adorably manipulative scene.

I swear if my niece got any cuter, she’d probably be able to convince me to jump off a cliff.

"Then what other reasons do you have to hate yellow ponies?" Twilight said.


Applejack's mind raced with some kind of excuses to say, but she could not find one, because what Twilight said was true. "I-I-I....I think ya'll just don't understand and are blind! We should just move on from this topic and go out and do somthin'. I'm not carryin' anythin' of value on me right now, but that same pony you introduced me to, was the one who tried to steal my money from me at the bank."

Why is she trying to hide this?! This makes no fucking sense! Why can’t she just say that ‘Yellow Ponies are bad! They are taking our jobs and fucking our women! We need to build a wall and make the yellow ponies pay for it.’?! This is an illogical thought process, why is she trying to bring logic to it?!


Again, I can see where the audience is supposed to see why this is illogical, but why does Applejack see it that way?! It’s not like Fluttershy or any other pony of yellow coloring has done or said anything to make her question it! She just starts thinking ‘Oh, maybe I’m fucked up in the head.’ all by herself!

"No! They said that I dropped the letter out of my saddle bag, but I know I had the buttons closed and there's no way it could have possibly fallen out. The police make me sick 'round here! Buck the Police! Buck em all!"

The story says that Applejack racist against the racially offensive stereotype and then proceeds to turn Applejack into said racially offensive stereotype. I’m glad this story isn’t offensive in the least.

The rest of her friends looked down at the ground and felt really awkward. Never before had they heard such harshness and racism come from a pony before.

Well, that’s because they haven’t read my reviews yet.


And then Twilight is… a real fucking bitch here.

Twilight Sparkle pawed at the ground with her hoof and said, "Well, it looks like Fluttershy said she'd rather have us hang out with you, so I guess we'll go out and get something to eat."


"I knew you'd see things my way! Thank ya for not bein' so ignorant! Let's have a good time together! More importantly, let's get somethin' to eat!"

What the hell, Twilight?! Fluttershy is contemplating suicide and you're going to hang out with the racist asshole who insulted her and made her feel stupid! I take back what I said about the main six, they can all go die in a hole!



Especially Pinkie Pie because she likes cake and I don’t!


Doesn’t make sense you say? Well, neither does this fic!

When they got to the restaurant and began eating, Twilight and her friends very cautiously tried to reintroduce the topic to Applejack of possibly giving Fluttershy another chance. But every time it was brought up, Applejack became very angry and threatened to cut her friendship off with them.

Then fucking let her! If she’s threatening to cut off her friendship with them, with them trying to make her a better person, then she’s not a friend worth having to begin with!


Applejack then get sick and is burning up with a fever because God willed it, I guess.

Applejack put her front leg against her forehead. She felt as if she were burning up. "Can't we go to the Doctors Granny?" Applejack asked.

Sorry, Applejack, we got rid of all our doctors because they were left-hoofed. But at least, those left-hoofed bastards are not taking our jobs anymore, am I right?

Granny Smith shook her head and said, "I'm sorry Applejack, but you didn't want to buy health insurance because you said that you believed that you would never get sick. We can't afford a visit to the Doctors without having health insurance."

Yes, why would you not have health insurance to a job that is physically exhausting on your body? Dealing with the elements of heat, cold, wet and various insects that spread disease and famine?


I see nothing going wrong here.

Applejack started thinking ridiculous reasons as to why she got sick in the first place. "Why them no good yeller ponies! I bet when I went out to eat, that a yeller pony was cookin' my food and purposely did somethin' to my food in order to make me sick. I hate yeller ponies!"

Apple Bloom later joined a street gang where she was gunned down by the royal guard after kidnapping a yellow pony family and threatening to kill them as part of her hate crime campaign.


Applejack slowly gets worse over time and her friends come over to check on her. Twilight says that she knows somepony who can help her and it won’t cost her a dime. Oooo, the suspense is killing me, story. I sure wonder who it could fucking be.



They force Applejack out of bed and take her out into the woods. Presumably to shoot her, because that’s the only reason I can give why they don’t just bring Fluttershy to her house! Spoilers, it’s fucking Fluttershy.


I’ll give you all a moment to recover from that shocking twist.


Applejack, of course, freaks out while she’s in Fluttershy’s home and blames her friends that they tricked her into going with them. Calling them names and threatening their loved ones. Why are you friends with her again?


So, want to see how well developed the scenes with Fluttershy and Applejack are? With Applejack getting over her prejudice over the course of hours and hours and hundreds of words and chapters where they struggle and fight and bicker and…

Fluttershy continued to take care of Applejack. She sacrificed much of her own time just to stay by Applejack's side and cook meals for her. She often brought her birds inside and had them sing lullaby's to Applejack. Fluttershy really knew all about the healing herbs of nature, and Applejack was back on her hooves in no time.

Or she could be completely over her racism that has been festering in her for years over the course of a paragraph. That works too. I’m surprised I didn’t think of it sooner.


And we get the second act twist that blows everyone's mind.

Applejack looked up at her and asked, "How did ya do it, Fluttershy? How did ya be so kind to me when I was so hateful?"


Fluttershy nervously turned her head away and said, "Oh, um, I," suddenly her voice trailed off far away and all Applejack could hear was mumbling.


"What did ya say there?" Applejack asked.


Fluttershy spoke up a little louder and Applejack was just barely able to hear her speak. "I love Jesus," she said.

Because people of faith are the only people who can see past bigotry and can help a person who treated them unjust.


Seriously, what does Fluttershy’s religion have to do with her just trying to be a good person? Okay, yeah, religion can give you a good set of morals and ethics, but this story doesn’t have anything to do with religion. It just brings it out of nowhere.


Fluttershy couldn’t just be seen as doing the right thing, despite her faith.


Also, Applejack admits she’s a Christian and her whole family is, but has never been to church.


Is … that common?


I’m probably not the pony to ask on this, but… is this common?


Whatever, let’s just wrap this story up.


Fluttershy tells her to come to the altar and give her life to Jesus. And why do I have Estus Pirkle flashbacks?


So, the story drags on for two chapters about how Applejack has given her life to God and accepts Jesus’s love in her heart and the story finally ends with me praying that I won’t have to review a fic this stupid again.


And let me reiterate. This fic is not stupid because of the religion it talks about nor the religious beliefs of the author.


This fic is stupid because it’s a fucking stupid story.


The fic’s premise alone can be called into question, since she is friends with characters of multiple race. Including Zecora, a zebra. And Spike the dragon. So, why she would be racist against the color yellow?


And again, this happened only once. We never actually see any other type of example of why Applejack is racist against ponies of yellow descent. Perhaps some build up to this moment would have helped. Some examples of just the lingo in which yellow ponies talk annoys her or where she passes by a slum and they spit on her because she’s a filly.


Or something like that. I don’t know. Something better than this.


Give her something to hold on to as she hates illogically.


And with all the years of hate festering in her, she gets over her hatred really quickly. I’m not saying that racism is right or should be promoted, but after five minutes, Applejack is suddenly completely understanding towards yellow ponies. No inner struggle. Making excuses about how it’s all a trick and that they’re messing with her. No display of decency towards Fluttershy but bigotry towards other yellow ponies, showing that she still has a long way to go.


Nope. It’s just over in a paragraph. How does that make sense? All the years of hatred and malice she has towards her fellow ponies just gets skimmed over as if the author wasn’t sure about the thought process of someone going through these emotions.


And Applejack is just unlikable. Racism aside, she is downright cruel to her friends when they don’t see her side of things. She only likes them for not hanging out with Fluttershy. Going so far as to threaten them if they don’t hang out with her over Fluttershy. This is the character we want to change? I’d rather have Sombra turning Equestria into his slaves. At least, he’s a tyrant to everyone fairly, instead of being bold face liar and turning on you when you disagree with her.


The other characters aren’t much better. Twilight and the other four aren’t exactly pro yellow either, since they just allow Applejack to treat their friend cruelly. They don’t lift a hoof or anything in Fluttershy’s defense and just allow Applejack to continually belittle her. With no ramification for Applejack’s behavior.


And then there’s Fluttershy, who is just there to be the victim. She is the victim card in all this. It’s just a way to make Fluttershy look good by making Applejack look bad by comparison. It’s honestly, just another role for her to be abused and insulted for seemingly no reason, instead of an actual character.


Many things in this fic that should be expanded upon end up being tossed in the garbage without even a second glance.


Expanding on the racism, building up to the moment where Applejack declares her hatred of the color yellow?


Bin it.


Seeing her aunt and uncle in a different light?


Not here.


Apple Bloom actually appearing in the fic?


No way. That’s far too much work.


And the religious context simply pops in unexpectedly. It doesn’t really serve the story any and the message isn’t stronger with it’s inclusion. Honestly, I don’t know why it’s even here. It’s not like it adds anything to the story or has been a major influence in the story. At all.


It just shows up so late to the party that the party has ended and left a big mess to clean up. It’s not like it was religion that stopped Applejack from being racist. It was Fluttershy tending to her illness. And you could make the argument that because Fluttershy was Christian and that she would do these things.


Well, fair, but let me ask you this? Do you really think that Fluttershy, the pony who dug earthworms out of the ground with her own mouth to feed to a group of baby birds, who was able to be calm against a wild and angry manticore just because she wanted to, who gave Discord the benefit of the doubt when no one else would, who accepts any singing request given to her because she doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, would honestly do any less? Whether she was a Christian or not?


This fic isn’t good because of it’s poor premise, poor execution and poor interpretation of what it takes to have a good story in it. It’s missing so many elements that it makes it impossible to recommend.


I hope you learned something. Like leaving the racist, bigotry fan fictions to the professionals. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make some Anti-Unicorn Propaganda.

Report spideremblembrony · 747 views ·
Comments ( 8 )

Why the hell her parents aren’t around?

I am just waiting for this weeks episode to answer that.

Anyway, I have toagree here. The racism makes no dang sense. It feels like the author never watched the show, at all. What gets me is that, if the author really wanted to make Applejack a racist then why pick a pony's coat color? Wouldn't it be easier to pick say, oh I don't know, an entire race. MAybe something striped and speaks only in rhymes?

Like Zebras!

But nope, just yellow. This has another effect that makes me mad in any story. Taking away elements form the show to make the plot work. You proved it by asking about Applebloom. (ps. the author must have lies because I checked the comments about the dissappearence of the littlest Apple and go this-

I can't believe I forgot about her. I went back and added this, "The only exception Applejack made when it came to tolerating a yellow pony was her little sister Applebloom. Her coat was yellow, but she was an Apple family and she talked normally to her. That was the only yellow pony that she would not hate on, at least not openly."

) the author needed Applebloom to not exsist because it was the only way for the plot to work. That is jus bad writing and a personal pet peeve. If you ned to remove somethng from cannon to make youe little fic work, then you need to rethin your idea.

Again, Zebras! Why not use them! They exsist. Or how about deer? Boars? Antelope? Saddle Arabians? Carribo...no, not Carriboou, they are a bunch of rapists.

Carribou: I am offended by this joke. We Caribou have a fine culture, going back centuries. We have seen many things in our time and we have done much in the ways of medical science. We have our own magic of course, That magic is tobe able to rap-

*collective gasp*

Carribu: rap with the best of them. *Puts on a pair of cool shades*

Tell me why are we
So blind to see.
That the ones we herd,
Are yooou and me!

i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/434/244/817.png

Hey, remember that story I read a year ago about Celestia becoming the god of the human world and basically abusing and lording her power over everypony else?

Which was followed soon after by the one where she becomes god of the pony world and does much the same thing?
Yes, I remember that one.

Wanna see some more by this author?

No, but bad fanfiction never leaves well enough alone.

Now, let’s get one thing straight here, I do not care about what your religion is. My care is for the story. How does it hold up and does it make sense? Just throwing that out there before I receive a thousand plus angry emails about how I am a dumb twat who hates on your religion. Just send me an angry email about how I’m a dumb twat.

As it should be. You are a reviewer, not a theologian/apologist. While religious ideas can make for a good motive in a story, it should not be presented in a way that gets everyone pissed off and shouting at each other.

The story we’re looking at today is a series called… Um… SiC?

Story is Crap?

You’ll notice that there is a part one to this because there are several pieces to this story. All of them unrelated as far as I can tell, but usually dealing with Christian themes. So, let’s see if this can improve on the awful God of Two Worlds or if this was just better left unread.

Again, nothing wrong with that... just that Sturgeon's Law is in place here, so I expect this to be part of the 90% (I.E. Preachy as all get-out and an insult to most religious sensibilities/intelligence)

The story begins with Applejack trotting along to buy a cinnamon bun from a food court in Manehattan.

Instead of Sugarcube Corner, which is probably 100% fresher than food court food.

The story says that she’s been living there for sometime now and away from Sweet Apple Acres. Why is she there you ask?

Because the author hates Ponyville?

As Applejack walks home, through an alleyway, by the way… Really? Good call there, Applejack.

If it didn't work for the Waynes, it probably won't work here.

"Why that no good dirty yeller pony took my treat and my money! I knew all yeller ponies were bad! I hear 'em often talkin' slang and I see them in the poorer side of the city. I bet they all like to steal and they all talk with those slang words! I hate 'em all!"

Wait, this is going to be the problem? Racism? Not just against ponies with different abilities; that would make sense and was actually used in the show, but against their coat color? That's like being racist against someone because they have brown hair.
I'd say something about gingers, but that's probably left over from straight racism in the 1800s.

And for those of you wondering, why the hell would she hate yellow when her friend, Fluttershy, is yellow? Well, that’s because this is before the Sonic Rainboom happened.

That makes so much sense:ajbemused:

Anyway, Applejack heads back to her Aunt and Uncle’s house, something the story is atrocious about making clear.

Besides the multitude of other things it was terrible at explaining, I'm sure.

Why the hell her parents aren’t around?

But we must remember that with Applejack:
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Just as she was about to turn around and go into the kitchen, she saw the most magnificent rainbow in the sky. "Wow! I wonder where that rainbow came from! I see it points right back to Sweet Apple Acres! I feel that it's my destiny to go back to the farm. I need to get out of this place. I know there ain't no yeller ponies livin' in Ponyville. In the city, they swarm like cock roaches in a filthy apartment.

Good God, who wrote this thing, David Duke?
And are we going to get any reason why yellow ponies are worst ponies? Please? Or is it just as hollow as any other racist screed?

At least she turned from pony to rooster!

Wait, are you saying that she's Scootaloo's mother?

She arrives at Sweet Apple Acres where she discovers that her little sister, who we have to assume is born by this point because how would she be born if her parents aren’t around anymore since they are never shown seeing Applejack off or welcoming her back, is yellow. … Yeah, explain that one, story!

I wouldn't try that; it might burst into flames.
... Wait, that would actually be a good thing. Do try that.

Okay, fine, you can be red this time, Applejack. I didn’t know there was a fucking difference!

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He wasn't racist, but he would end up agreeing with everything his sister said because if there was a disagreement, Applejack would lash out at him and she would argue incessantly until he finally agreed with her.

Because that's totally how arguments work! I argue with my friends and family about life and politics all the time, but you never seem me or them cave like that.

The story says that Fluttershy would never file a lawsuit because she is so kind, but even with that fact, there are other ponies she interacts with every week that I guarantee you are yellow. For one, HER FUCKING BABY SISTER!

The stupidity of this continues to grow.

Fortunately, the officer at the bank, who is secretly screaming to the author about how stupid this whole setup is, saw the whole thing and realizes that Applejack is just being an idiot. Applejack runs off after insulting Fluttershy about how her father is an abusive drunk and her mother’s a whore. And how she’s going to be forced onto the street to sell her body for money. And how she’s going to die alone with no one around her. And how I’m going to come by after she’s dead and mount her corpse on my wall as a trophy.

Well, that got dark there...

The next chapter sees Applejack partying with the other four characters of the main six. Including Twilight Sparkle, even though she has no lines here.

So, is the author using the flimsiest of excuses to explain why he doesn't like Fluttershy?
Because that's what I'm getting.

But the mood is ruined by the appearance of the worst character in the show.

Trixie Flash Sentry?

"I ain't got no accent!"

Okay, I know I Ain't Got No Ack-sent was a great fic, but that doesn't mean everyone has to rip it off.

"No! They said that I dropped the letter out of my saddle bag, but I know I had the buttons closed and there's no way it could have possibly fallen out. The police make me sick 'round here! Buck the Police! Buck em all!"

Please pick a point and then argue it constructively.

The rest of her friends looked down at the ground and felt really awkward. Never before had they heard such harshness and racism come from a pony before.

Aw, cheer up! Here's some Moe Girls singing about dying in the snow:

"I'm sorry Applejack, but you didn't want to buy health insurance because you said that you believed that you would never get sick. We can't afford a visit to the Doctors without having health insurance."

...
That is literally the stupidest reason I have ever heard not to buy health insurance. Did some Right-Wing conspiracy nut write these?
Probably, now that I think about it.

Applejack slowly gets worse over time and her friends come over to check on her. Twilight says that she knows somepony who can help her and it won’t cost her a dime. Oooo, the suspense is killing me, story. I sure wonder who it could fucking be.

If it's Fluttershy, this is going to be the weakest excuse of changing to not-racist ever. Not that AJ's arguments were any better.

With Applejack getting over her prejudice over the course of hours and hours and hundreds of words and chapters where they struggle and fight and bicker and…

Oh no, that's only for the good fics, Critique.

Or she could be completely over her racism that has been festering in her for years over the course of a paragraph. That works too. I’m surprised I didn’t think of it sooner.

I was right.

Is … that common?

I’m probably not the pony to ask on this, but… is this common?

Unfortunately, yes.

So, the story drags on for two chapters about how Applejack has given her life to God and accepts Jesus’s love in her heart and the story finally ends with me praying that I won’t have to review a fic this stupid again.

Great, it's "Harry Potter turns to the Lord" all over again.
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We're really not this bad, I swear...

And let me reiterate. This fic is not stupid because of the religion it talks about nor the religious beliefs of the author.

If you want to see religion done right in a fanfic, I recommend "Angel of the Bat", based of an aborted arc in the Batgirl comics where Cassandra Cain would have converted to Christianity. It gets a bit off the rails at the end (that damnable Red String comes to the front) but it's otherwise really good.
I am really sick and tired of seeing bad representations of religion in fics. It's just... dammit, there are good writers out there who can address these issues, but why are all the idiots the first ones that get heard? Why can't someone actually make a valid argument without having to resort to strawmen and the like?
I hate these kinds of fics.

If you want a good religious story, I'd recommend Teen Titans story "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Starfire" to read.

4241049

Wait, are you saying that she's Scootaloo's mother?

... :ajsmug:

Well, that got dark there...

And yet it would still be a better story than this trash heap.

Okay, I know I Ain't Got No Ack-sent was a great fic, but that doesn't mean everyone has to rip it off.

But, Iowa, that's what most of the fandom is good at, getting popular by riding off the success of much better fics.

We're really not this bad, I swear...

I believe you. I have met some Christian folks. They aren't like this. Not all of them anyway.

If you want to see religion done right in a fanfic, I recommend "Angel of the Bat", based of an aborted arc in the Batgirl comics where Cassandra Cain would have converted to Christianity. It gets a bit off the rails at the end (that damnable Red String comes to the front) but it's otherwise really good.

Actually, having recently read 'No Man's Land'... That actually sounds kind of interesting.

4241080 Oh, looks like I finally found a good Teen Titans fic.

4241312

But, Iowa, that's what most of the fandom is good at, getting popular by riding off the success of much better fics.

True, and I myself am guilty in this regard (I Ain't Got No Ack-Sent is just a really good fic).

4241313 Dude, if you want a good Teen Titans story, you have to read "What Grows In Deception," by Soulfulbard. It is amazing.

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