Pinkie Pie vs. the TSA story notes · 2:15am Jun 1st, 2015
Ha! No pre-readers! What could possibly go wrong?
The cover image came from this video:
And a more appropriate video for this probably could not be found.
This is based loosely on personal experiences.
I'm one of those guys who triggers all the 'random' inspections at airports. Seriously. I'll set off metal detectors, have something innocuous in my bag (like a toy submarine) that they think is something else, or just look suspicious in general. My personal low when it came to triggering warning systems was when a drug-sniffing dog singled me out. After an hour of questioning, it was determined that the dog probably smelled the drugs from the person next to me. It was a complete stranger, so I wasn't able to help them. Not that I was feeling particulary charitable by then, you understand.
The end result of this is that I tend to be overly cautious when I go to an airport, or across a border. I drop anything I think might lead to questions—so on this last trip to Canada, I actually pondered if I should leave a credit card home (thus ensuring I didn't go over the $10,000 limit). I packed nothing that could be considered, in any way, contraband. There were no liquids in my carry-on bag, nor was there a laptop. I wore shoes that came off easily, and put all my loose items (change, sunglasses, wallet, cell phone, etc) in my utility vest, which I put in my carryon to go through security. No setting off of metal detectors, no suspicious objects I forgot about in the backscatter machine—no nothing except the alien neural implant but they said I shouldn't talk about that.
And it was working. I got through security in Lansing without any trouble. Got to Canada, and triple-checked the declaration form to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything. Decided that even though their prohibition on importing nuts didn't apply to a store-bought, individually wrapped, name-brand energy bar, I'd toss it anyway, just to be sure. I actually thought about throwing away my notepad, too (you have to declare wood products), but it had the notes for this story.
It's almost like I knew what was going to happen.
Anyway, I got my bag off the little belt thingy, handed my shiny new passport to the immigration agent, he scanned it and stamped it, initialed something on my declaration card and I was on my way, free and clear.
I thought.
But when I got to the second guy—the one who was taking the declaration cards, re-examining passports, and letting everybody else past, he pointed down to the other end of the hall. "You go there," he said, and handed back my passport.
In an airport, whenever you're directed someplace nobody else goes, it either means you've got enough airline miles to own a regional airline, or you're about to have a Bad Time.
I haven't got a lot of airline miles.
What I did have, according to Canadian Immigration (and they got this from the FBI), is a felony, and based on their calculations (when it was committed, and what their own statutes are), they had grounds to deport me.
I mentioned that the charges had been dismissed, and there wasn't even a trial.
Sadly, the FBI forgot to include that vital bit of information in their record. It's on the state's record (I know, because I bought a copy), and even if I hadn't, I would have found out when I went to renew my mechanic's license, because you can't have any auto-related felonies unless you've got a really good explanation for them.
Anyway, to make a long story short, since it was over ten years ago, since my record was otherwise clean, after an hour of interviews and discussions between three agents, they decided that I would be welcome in Canada, and to have a good time, eh? They also suggested that I might want to get that little thing cleared up before the next time I go abroad.
Plastic money: as most of my readers know, I have a headcanon where a pony's magical field effects things on the electromagnetic spectrum. If you didn't know that, it's also foreshadowing for the backscatter machine not working right when Pinkie went through it.
YAM is the code for the Sault Ste. Marie, Canada, airport. I came up with the idea when i was looking at the tag on my bag (which, I think, was YGG), and I just went to the Wikipedia list of airport codes.
As most of us know from personal experience, a long queue doens't guarantee what's at the end is fun.
Chuckie Cheese Chuck E Cheese is some sort of party-themed pizza restaurant. I've been in one, once—and I don't remember why. I've never eaten their pizza or played any of their games, and I expect as an adult, I'd find it overpriced and underwhelming.
Thanks to ThatClosetBrony for correcting me--see, this proves you I never went there.
For those of you who haven't been in an airport recently, you have to take off your shoes, empty your pockets, and put it all in a tray. You send that tray, a tray with your carry-on, and a seperate tray with your laptop (if equipped) through the little x-ray machine.
Horseshoes, as we all know, aren't easily removable.
The backscatter x-ray machine is the new, 'improved' metal detector. The ones I went through were fancy plastic tubes that looked like something from Star Trek.
The supervisor's outfit obviously isn't this fancy, but to a habitual nudist?
from the MLP wiki
Besides, I got perverse satisfaction in describing the head TSAgent like a third-world dictator.
Pommelhorse is the gym teacher in the Simpsons. I seem to remember her being a b
ch, but couldn't remember her name. When I googled it . . . . well, how could I not use that name?
From the Simpsons Wiki
While your results will probably vary if you just stick your hand under a horse's tail without warning, I wouldn't advise it. I'm not good enough at math to estimate how hard a MLP pony could kick (based on size and probable muscle structure, with no allowance made for magic), but I do know from research that a large horse can exert over 2,000 psi on a kick (based on the material it kicked through), and heard of one unfortunate soul who got kicked in the stomach so hard, the MRI showed a hoofprint on her liver.
This guy got off lightly.
The man who doesn't have a name . . . well, he doesn't have a name. We'll call him a facilitator, for lack of a better word. And while I didn't have anybody particular in mind, while I wrote his part, I couldn't help but think of Rick Dicker (from The Incredibles)
I'm not exactly sure what the requirements on liquids and gels are. I know no container bigger than 4oz, but I don't know if there's a limit of the number of said containers you can have. I didn't test that, given my typical airport experiences. I will guess, though, that if you show up with 500 tubes of toothpaste in your carry-on, you're probably going to get special treatment.
Moving walkways are fun. As you know from my last blog post, Lyra likes them.
K-y
I am, of course, referring to Kyle Field of the band Little Wings. Pinkie really likes their music, and the band's name reminds her of home. If you thought of anything else, it's not my fault.
Pinkie does, in fact, sneeze confetti.
from the show
Continental's slogan was, at one time, 'we really move our tails for you.' For what it's worth, in 2010 or so they merged with United. I don't know if they ever flew into Sault Ste. Marie—but hey, is it any less plausible than magical talking ponies?
Rarity smoking cigarettes is a nod to Dead-Eye Darling, by totallynotabrony.
By the time you get to this blog post, you hopefully realize Chuck might not be the best role-model.
Most quadrupeds that I know of either try to descend stairs backwards, slide down forwards, or else don't try at all (except dogs, becuase they're dumb, and cats, because they do what they want). While that seems kind of silly, consider the angle of a typical staircase—it's about 38 degrees (in the US, according to modern building code; older staircases may be different). Now imagine trying to walk down a 38 degree slope, then imagine doing it on all fours. It would not be comfortable.
Seriously, that's why most larger quadrupeds don't do stairs.
I think we can guess how I came up with names for the Canadian Immigration officers. A larry is in fact a hoe used for mortaring or cement work.
As it was explained to me, Canada requires a ten-year period after you've completed your sentence for a felony before they'll let you in. If your record is incomplete (which apparently happens a lot), they'll look up what they would charge you with and proceed accordingly.
And yes, I did research what the indecent exposure laws were in Canada. They're apparently quite liberal. (But this is not legal advice, nor is it a suggestion to eat at Olive Garden naked.)
The idea of a toy submarine described as a you know what you were picturing can be credited to one of my temporary co-workers. I gave him a rough idea of what I was thinking, and let him ponder it. After about five minutes, he suggested a toy submarine.
Seriously, with eyes that big they'd be having eye injuries all the time.
It's mostly directed, I guess. I fit some profile, or some drug-sniffing dog thinks he smells something on me, or I have a random felony, or my truck looks 'suspicious,'--you know, that kind of thing.
I can assure you, based on my experiences at airports and border crossings, I make absolute certain that I have nothing that could be considered by any stretch of the imagination to be contraband or otherwise forbidden.
Wow, you really out a lot of thought and research into this. Cassandra is impressed.
Well, thankfully I've never had any bad luck at airport security (although there was that one time I somehow ended up in the ladies' security line in Delhi), I do get pulled over a lot when I'm driving my shitty-looking car. I can't tell you how many times I've read the expression on a cop's face as: 'damn, you're not drunk OR a drug addict.'
They need a better system to screen potential pony hosts.
I am trying very hard not to picture you naked at an Olive Garden. This is made considerably easier by the fact that I don't know what you look like.
Please don't post any selfies until I've found something to distract myself. Fortunately, I'm on FimFiction.net, so that won't take long.
3113664
Heh, I always do. I've been told the story blogs are one of the best parts of my stories.
3113702
I've never streaked an Olive Garden.
Oh, and I look pretty much like this, as anyone who's me me can tell you.
3.bp.blogspot.com/-M0abNkotEmM/UDZej_Qc8GI/AAAAAAAAGFQ/oKf861VjKD4/s1600/Sasquacth+has+coffee.png
...You're welcome.
3113668
You lucky devil.
That used to happen to me more often; now that I live in a town where nearly everyone drives piece of crap cars, and all the local cops know me, I don't get equipment violation tickets much.
Actually, funny story. After my grandfather passed away, I went to get his motorboat. Since it had sat in his yard for so long, I didn't trust the tires or bearings on his trailer, so I brought my boat trailer. Towed by my '92 Astro, which got a cheap all-black Maaco paintjob years before I bought it. Rims and all. The only thing that would look more suspicious is if it said "free candy" on the side.
We loaded his trailer on top of mine. It was pretty easy with the winch. I noticed that you couldn't see my (valid) plate, but you could easily see his expired blue plate.
I took it off, and then discovered he'd made the mounting bracket for the plate out of a '72 trailer plate. Which was welded to the trailer frame.
So I just figured, 'whatever,' threw a pirate flag on the back of the rig, and took off.
I drove by a cop in Southfield. He watched as the whole contraption thing went by, and then very deliberately turned the other way--'cause I think sometimes they really don't want to know.
3113684
They do. But where would the fun in that be?
Besides--I bet it's not something the ponies would think of.
Well, given Earth Pony Enhanced Strength™, and all that pronking Pinkie does (those muscles must be well-developed), 2 kpsi is probably the extreme lower limit.
Uh, I believe it's Chuck E. Cheese's?
But still, this was a pretty cool companion blog. Good job.
3113601 I cannot wear a hood in a car without the police pulling me over... It doesn't matter if it's -40 out, the cop will pull the vehicle over and ask for MY ID. 3 times in a 2 month period over about a 250km area. Twice in security uniform, once in a safety vest... As a passenger.
Although to be fair I earned it the one time, my co-worker was driving his uncle's (who had his licence suspended for drunk driving) car and we got pulled over right in front of my place. Having just worked a 12 hour shift and having another one that night I asked
"I live here, can I just get out and go to bed?" I was perfectly polite and friendly, a model Canadian!
"I need you to stay in the car, can I see some ID?" Because if you ask as a question instead of making a demand it IS legal.
I flew to the USA not long after 9/11, when most of these security measures were new. Flying out of Sydney, every one had a bag search. Immigration at L.A. was relatively painless. Of course, then there was the connecting flights...
I got the special treatment every time. Even despite the fact I had to briskly walk from Arrivals to Departures in Denver with no time to purchase an overpriced snack. Same deal on the connecting flights home. I did overnight in L.A. on the way back, and then made the mistake of wearing a shirt that had metal buttons...
At least all my dealings with security were polite and pleasant. Although this was when the TSA was a new department and was still figuring out how to make flying an embarrassing nightmare.
And I agree with Pinkie, American money is weird. Pennies, nickels and quarters I figured out pretty quickly, but nowhere does a "Dime" say that it is 10 cents. And don't get me started on when a cashier would count out my paper change by reciting the presidents rather than the value of the bill. Doing that just hurts my poor, foreign brain...
It always seems strange to me reading about these sort of airport things as they're completely different to my experiences. Thanks to the UK being in the EU (for now) but not the Schengen agreement our flights are treated as some sort of limbo between domestic and international as we go through immigration but not customs. Immigration is also really quick as the Spanish officers just glance at the passport before waving you through while coming back we have the automated gates.
As for security I've never been asked to remove my shoes. In Manchester they now have a 2 machine system where the 1st one has a pair of doors, if the green one opens you go through (always happens to me), if the red one opens you go into a queue for the 2nd one (1 machine per 2 lanes) and those people do have to take their shoes off. In Spain the only time I set it off they had a machine to scan shoes while you are still wearing them.
As for codes it can get confusing when 2 different systems come into contact that use a different code for the same place. The big one for me is Manchester which is MAN in IATA (airport code) but MIA in CRS (national rail) as MAN in CRS is Piccadilly in the city centre, just to make it worse IATA has allocated MIA to Miami so a perfectly reasonable itinerary could go MAN-MIA, MAN-MIA with the 1st leg by rail and the 2nd by air.
3113738 LOL so you had a boat on a trailer, on a trailer? Nice. It's like... trailer-ception.
Oh my gawd. I recently had an all pink (incl. rims) mercedes in the shop. So unbelievably tacky, imo. (Unless maybe if it would've had two-tone with a darker pink and balloons painted on the quarter panels.) It had body damage.
But then somebody told me it looked like a Maaco color, and sure enough it was. We don't paint, hell we don't even do body work, but once in a while my dad takes on a minor body job, and sends it out for paint.
Why waste the money on a shiny new passport, you should have had an enhanced drivers license which is totally valid to go to Canada with. Well, at least at any of the bridges here to there, but should work via plane too. It's been some years since I last flew out of the Lansing airport, but last time I did the security was a joke compared to Philadelphia, Minneapolis/St. Paul, and whatever that one in Virginia I had to go thru was.
Thanks for that laugh. Sounds like the guys I work with and the crazy shit they do and get away with. If you still have that '92 Astro, you totally need to find an old bowling trophy that has the bowler with one arm forward and the ball on the backswing for a hood ordainment.
3114106 Must be some strange thing in California. Never had anyone ever count money back to me saying the names of the presidents on the bill. I'm not even sure if that's legal.
3114141 If it was the same color pink as Fluttershy's hair, it a great shade... if it was hot pink like the Barbie isle at the store, the car should have been burned.
That's a longer blogpost for a shorter story than most. So much firsthand experience packed into one chapter!
Surprisingly little
for once! I'd really rather you not take that as reason to pull this sort of stunt even more often, though.I'm thankful to report that bad luck in airports is one of the things I did not inherit - a significant blessing, considering the fortunes of some of my family's other members. I'm absolutely fine with experiencing it only by proxy.
When I was a kid, I always liked the airport code when we flew out to visit out extended family. Though unfortunately I wasn't able to convince anyone that the fact their luggage was labeled with my initials by the airport staff meant I got to keep it. (Free cookie if you can guess which airport it was!)
Always enjoyed those moving walkways. They're especially good when the airport is empty - then you can use them for races! Though I suspect that might get some raised eyebrows if we tried it now....
3113738
This merits further investigation! How fortuitous that my neighbors happen to have a boat....
3114106
Either that's some odd regional thing, or you just had unusually bad luck - I've never seen anyone count bills out like that. It certainly doesn't seem very practical.
3114124 Two Benjamins and a Jefferson, or something?
In Canada that'd be bizzare. Two Laurier's and a Queen?
3113896
That's where the math starts to get complicated, and depend on factors which aren't readily known, sadly. Still, little ponies are strong, and while the shorter legs might reduce the impact somewhat, it'd come at you faster.
BTW, how do you to superscript? I've had a couple of stories I wanted to put it in, but could never figure out how.
3114077
I do believe you're right!
I'm leaving it as-is in the story (after all, it's from Pinkie's POV), but I probably should have done a bit more research for the blog post, eh?
3114079
Twice, in two days, in about a one-mile stretch of road by the same cop, for the same reason--she couldn't read my license plate. Which was in the factory location, and fairly clean. Certainly legible.
I also got pulled over by a cop on the interstate who had been travelling the other way who told me that he'd pulled me over because my license plate lights were out (and they were). I didn't volunteer--since he didn't mention it--one of the headlights was, too.
My most-deserved (so far) one was when I made an illegal U-turn between two police cars (it was dark; I didn't know they were police cars). I can only expect that the delay between my move and the flashing lights was them coordinating over the radio who got to pull me over (and probably a good chuckle or two at my expense).
3114106
Maybe they were just trying to mess with you--I've never heard of anyone doing that.
You know, now I'm curious. DId the 'come fly the friendly skies' slogan disappear about the same time the TSA showed up? Becuase I feel like it might have....
3114124
That used to be the case between the US and Canada--when I was a kid, we'd often go to Sarnia for a couple of hours, because their library was better than Port Huron's.
3114140
Sometimes a random search like that works to your benefit. Usually, in my own experience, it does not.
I have noticed now some of the airport services are better, though. While I was waiting for one flight, another one came in at the next gate late, and airline representatives were helping people get to their connecting flights. When that happened to me, about fifteen years ago, I got to run on my own to the gate, and they didn't hold it open for connecting passengers (even though it was the same AIRLINE). Got to the gate in time to watch my plane be pushed back.
Bastards.
3114141
Yeah, it's a pretty terrible paint job on my van (used to be one of those two-tone blue and silver vans). Still, for $600, I couldn't really be choosy about color.
3114727
I do have one; I got it when I thought I might be driving (or driving to a Canadian airport). You can't use them for planes, I was told.
I lucked out when I got to Lansing--I got there very early (knowing of my usual problems with security), and since there weren't any flights departing for a while, there was nobody in line for security.
I do still have it. It's sitting in my backyard with vines growing over it. Also, it might have cats living in it.
The only ornamentation on the van is a Lund visor that's the wrong color, and a chrome V-8 emblem. I'm not sure how I feel about the bowler--he'd probably fly through the windshield next time I hit a deer.
3114813
I know, right! And that's just a summary! It's why I try not to fly internationally (well, anywhere, really) if I can help it.
3114870
It probably won't. There weren't any horrible mistakes, but a few typos sneaked through. I think I got most of them now.
I'd be willing to bet Lyra's riding the moving walkway at that very airport. They have very nice moving walkways, with little strobe lights at the ends, and a fun little train. It was the best airport I visited, which is good, because I had two long layovers there. Delta probably gets a cut of airport sales, so they want to make sure that passengers transferring at their northern hub have plenty of time to shop.
3115089
Yeah, what's up with your saran-wrap money? My brother says it melts in the sun. Of course, that's probably not a problem most of the time in Canada
3116548 Eh!
You bastard... you totally had me with that toy submarine! I was genuinely thinking, "Oh, Admiral Biscuit would definitely be one to pull a double-bluff, making us think that this mysterious object isn't a *AHEM* when it really is because Pinkie would totally be into stuff like that!" Curse you, General Cookie!
To be honest, I was also half expecting Pinkie to bring the plane down half-way to YAM. Bonus chapter?
P.S. I've never had a bad flight! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!
3116545 If you're after the ™, that's a U+2122 TRADE MARK SIGN, which you may type on Windows with (while holding Alt, press 0, 1, 5, 3 on numpad), or copypaste from somewhere.
3116940
I ended Sonata Grabs Twilight's Peaches with a double-bluff, 'cause people were getting too used to my baiting and switching. I thrive on being unpredictable! What's my next fic gonna be? Trollfic? Over-the-top comedy? Pure SoL brilliance? Who knows? I sure don't!
Confidentally, I was considering a bonus chapter called "Celestia vs. the TSA." Spoiler: Everyone gets sent to the moon.
Me neither. It's the parts before and the parts after that suck.
3117032
Thanks! Once upon a time (Windows 3.1), I had a lot of the alt+numberpad codes memorized (mostly accents), but that knowledge has faded away in the intervening years...
3116613
You would be correct! Feel free to come grab your cookie at any time (maybe while visiting EFNW?). You might even be able to stop by the airport in question again en route!
Read the story and the notes, and I'm pleased that this wasn't one of those hateful, frothing-at-the-mouth rants people always make about things like this (I mean really. I've seen people swearing madly and accusing the TSA of "fondling your dick for fun").
I seem to be in the small minority of people who don't have a problem with airport security. Are they largely incompetent? Yes. But are they useless? Definitely not. Can you imagine how bad security would be without them? Actually, you don't have to imagine. Just look at airports during the 90s and before where you can arrive late, practically skip security, run out to the flight field, and ask to be let on.
So yeah. I've gone in more flights than most people have in their life, and I've rarely had a problem with them. When something comes up, it's taken care of professionally.
3116557
I actually got pulled over by the same cop twice in one weekend, but it actually worked in my favor. The first time, it was because I was listening to one of the railroad channels on my ham radio, and pulled over to listen more closely to a train about to pass very near my location. The cop saw somebody pull off the road suddenly and park in a weird place, so he was actually doing his job by checking out what was going on. I explained myself, showed my ham license and ID, and went on my way.
A few days later, I went to the casino, leaving late afternoon. When I got to the parking garage and pulled in, I noticed my right headlight was out. When I left, it was dark. I got pulled over on the same stretch of road by the same officer. He recognized me, and asked if I knew why he pulled me over. I told him I figured it was for the headlight, that it just happened today, and that I was heading to AutoZone tomorrow to pick up a bulb and fix it. I pointed out that it was working a few days ago. He told me to have a good evening, and to make sure to fix it tomorrow. (Which I did.)
3119488
The security has gotten rather ridiculous of late, but it's interesting to look back to before they had security at all. They instituted it because in the '60s and '70s, hijackings were occurring at a shocking rate. I think they had one a week worldwide for a couple of months at one point.
3119488
I'm just glad i haven't seen anything on this site that does bash it. Asa joke, sure, but I'm tired of people fighting 'the man' where they can.
3123410 What? You mean you think that calling for anarchy isn't a good idea?
3119488
Well, honestly, what's the point? A comedy, IMHO, does a better job at pointing out that the emperor may not be wearing any clothes than 5000 words of vitriol would. And honestly, despite all my encounters with them, customs, immigration, and the whole ball of wax, I've never felt that they were unfairly singling me out.
Anyhow, I've always had two philosophies in writing: if it sucks when it happens, it's a great comedy piece later; and if it's a difficult moral choice, present it in a neutral tone and let the reader decide.
I've never gotten that level of treatment, sadly. Do you have to pay extra?
Agreed to the second part (and you've surely been on more flights than I; before this last adventure, I went ten years without getting on an airplane). In all my misadventures, I never felt that the TSAgents or whoever were being mean for the sake of being mean, they were just doing their job, and it just happened to inconvenience me more than some.
3121565
Well, it seems that we have another interest in common.
railroadmichigan.com/hesr101p.jpg
And IIRC, only D.B. Cooper actually got away with it.
3123410
th03.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/357/0/2/flax_seed_by_brunursus-d6z2x9h.png
Down with the man, man.
3126202
orig06.deviantart.net/3f75/f/2015/136/b/f/hookah_tree_hugger_by_pawpr1nt-d8tmq15.png
3123464
Good point, down with the man! Free love and pot and what not!
I shouldn't have read this before August.
3158206
Yeah, you probably shouldn't have.
3158676
Happily, immigration on your end didn't give me any trouble last year. Stamped the passport, gave the regulation forced smile and warned me to have a good time.
Not that I'm fool enough to expect a repeat performance.
3126191
I don't think we know if D. B. Cooper actually got away with it or not - he disappeared, but he may not have lived.