Jesus, stop blogging, KK · 3:14pm Jan 6th, 2015
Approaching 150 blogs. Sickens me, too, folks. But, hey, I'm going quiet now! For awhile. Maybe a long while. Or maybe like a few days. Will this be like someone quitting a forum and people giving him 'See you tomorrow!'s? Time will tell.
A big outcry of feedback on my last blog. Thanks guys, for all of it. I've been supported, empathized with, yelled at, and I'm grateful for all of it. I know I am not at the bottom of the FIMFiction barrel. I know I have lots of followers who would love to have my statistics. But the reality has set in and writing has been a chore for awhile now. I stopped writing for myself and started writing with the express intent of pleasing my followers. I stopped writing out of love and started doing it for attention. And that murdered it for me.
WRTMI grew out of my control. I started wanting everything to have the success of I'm Sorry, Sis, which was just a lucky break. Even when I started writing to break a depressive slup and a cocaine habit I was in no way capable of supporting, every single downvote was like a dagger to me and that's something that never went away. I'm obsessed with my own stats and as I've watched followers, faves, and comments decrease over time, I can't describe the pain. For as long as I can now remember, writing has been able about the reception and reaction. Even as my life slipped back into what I can only describe as utter chaos where I've even started questioning my own will to live, writing was never again the source of comfort it started out as.
I expected too much, I suppose. To me, I felt like I deserved everything. Doubting I could be so arrogant? Have some proof.
Perhaps the last straw in my mind was when I watched Scootaloo's Hearth's Warming Eve hit the popular box... only to then be surpassed by a later fic that got promoted by someone I was watching and hit the feature box early, probably taking the only open slot for a rising popularity fic. I will never forgot the poorly written Button Mash/Button's Mom clop fic that surpassed Bad Apples the day it was released, either. If BA found success (or maybe hadn't gotten faved then unceremoniously unfaved hours later by the most popular Babs Seed fan on the website), I probably wouldn't have tried to force an unnecessary continuation that me and my co-writer disagreed upon, which lead to me axing the story off the site entirely when I took it down to incorperate it into a larger project that never got off the ground. The Sweetie Belle story itself was something I forced out just to get it out of the way and actually expected the same success as the first, despite ineffectively molding the ending and then forgetting to actually conclude the damn story.
These are stupid fucking things to dwell upon. Childish. Completely tasteless and barbaric, Rarity would be ashamed. I am not garanteed anything, nor am I owed something when I am surpassed by a story that gets more attention. Hell, I'm Sorry Sis got promoted, so I'm being hypocritical. So why can't I get rid of the feeling that, if my writing is so supposedly great, why don't I have 700+ followers by now, or something?
The answer I'm going to decide upon now is that my writing isn't great, because it's not coming from the same place it did during the first act of WRTMI. Just imagine if I had my current abilities back when I started, when all my writing was from the heart? It would've been brilliant. Thousands of words a day that I could look at and say 'I believe that is definitely quality. I am very proud.'
My safest bet right now is to just step back until all this bullshit goes away. I'm going to wait for the spark, as it were, to return. If I'm just going to move forward unhappy, writing just to fufill a duty and be disappointed when a chapter or story doesn't get a large reception, it's only going to get worse. I'd rather quit forever to save myself the stress, because my life is hard enough when I can't even afford to eat with my deadend job.
WRTMI is back on hiatus for now. Consider me on the same, I guess. I'll pop on weekly to check notifactions (because OLD HABITS DIE HARD, I GUESS) and... maybe try and read something or another. Feel free to shoot me PMs in the interim if some fic passes by the site that you think I'd enjoy. When I write something because I wanted to write it, you'll see me dust the place off. I hope this is just dasvidanya (until we meet again), and not proshchaniye (if my High School Russian is as good as I remember, this one means a permament goodbye, like farewell forever, you yellow bellied lowlife twofaced twotiming scumbag [citation needed]).
Goodbye. For now? We'll see.
I will respect your decision in going into a hiatus.
Everyone needs a break, no matter what.
I'll await for your return. Remember that.
We will all await your return and when you do return, our arms will be open and we'll welcome you back.
Enjoy your Break KK. And let it make you even better than how you where before!
2704591 I will try and piece it all back together. Thanks for being there for such a long damn time. Hopefully the future will bring more fics full of Lion King easter eggs.
2704599 Oh, I'll be eagerly awaiting dem easter eggs!
But for now, Hakuna Matata, ^^
Nothing wrong with taking a break, KK, even if it's a long one. Sounds like you've burned yourself out with setting extremely high expectations for yourself over a long period of time, and that's enough to burn anyone out.
Take a break and relax. Maybe read a few fics or rewatch an old episode after a while. See if that spark comes back. Either way, I hope to keep in touch, and hope you've had a good holiday season, man.
Take care!
~Arwhale
Oye, i can 100% agree with you that when writing becomes a chore instead of fun it's miserable. Feeling the need to write as if you have to meet deadlines leads to forcing out content which ends up not being as good as it should be because you weren't doing it with a smile on your face.
The number of followers does not reflect the quality of the author nor the fics. Do not feel like that's a measure of your skill. For instance, i have around 130 more followers than you, but NONE of my fics have reached the large number of likes and views that some of your fics have achieved. My follower count has only increased rapidly due to me being crazy with updates and having the time and the comfort to be active on the site and write without worry.
I wish you and your boyfriend good luck, you'll always have friends here.
I hope you enjoy a break from fandom craziness and come back with as much love for writing as you originally had. I wish you the best.
And don`t worry. Not even the end of the world will stop me from reading the next update
I think you need more hugs.
2704651 Thanks. I'll try watching something and reading while I can. I'll still be on Skype, of course.
2704652 Yeah, I understand stuff like that a little better. I only hope that I can get into a lifestyle where I'm comfortable with writing a lot again.
2704695 I hope not, since I still have little moments when I can't keep my story out of my head. Act 2 is totally done in my mind, becoming more refined over time, I just can't set pen to paper right now.
2704916 You have no idea.
I know this is a very selfish thing to say, but I'm glad I know you outside of this site, because I would miss you terribly if you disappeared from my life---virtual or otherwise.
2707981 I've always felt quite the same, Susie! I remember trying to find you on Facebook after having forgotten your last name
You're one of my oldest friends and I'm very lucky to have a lass of your kindness and experiences as a friend.