Badfic Slaughterhouse #12 · 9:16pm Sep 19th, 2014
Serious talk this time, so no silliness.
It’s been a little while since my last blog, and as some may have noticed from the notice on my profile page, that’s because most of my free time is being taken up with preparing for my impending move to a new house. Most of this post was written at least a week ago, which might make a few of these (the featured ones, in particular) a bit dated.
I probably won’t put out another one of these for another 2-3 weeks, but I’ll get back up to speed after the move is completed.
How an Actual Human Vs Pony War Would Go, by bkerr564
Tags: Comedy, Alternate Universe, Human
Rating: Teen
Length: 1,257 words (Complete – 1/1 chapter read)
Synopsis: Ponies attack humanity and get slaughtered.
Review: Yeah, I know. Even the fleas on your goldfish have seen this story due to the controversy surrounding it. Still, I read it, so I’m going to cover it.
This “story” is really more like a rant about how much better humans are at fighting than ponies. To prove the point, the author makes the ponies act in the most retarded manner possible and attack with absolutely no strategy. They just say, “Hey, humans, you suck and we’re gonna kill you all.” Then, they give the humans time to gather their forces and appear on an empty field, where they are promptly bombed into oblivion.
This has zero merit as a story. It is, as I said before, a one-sided rant, and it would be better suited to a blog post. It’s tagged as a comedy, but I didn’t find it funny at all. Characterization is thrown out the window in favor of plot convenience. There’s no attempt to be balanced in the portrayals at all.
Verdict: It’s terrible. The very existence of this story probably violates the Geneva Conventions in some way. Linking it to someone in another country probably constitutes an act of war. Wait… did I link it? Oh dang.
Cheese ‘n Crackers, by Shotoman
Tags: Slice of Life
Rating: Everyone
Length: 3,440 words (Complete – 1/1 chapter read)
Synopsis: Cheese Sandwich finds a depressed Trixie alone in the woods and tries to cheer her up.
Review: This story made an immediate bad impression on me by opening up with several paragraphs of exposition about Cheese and Trixie’s circumstances. It was rather boring, and it was mostly unnecessary. In fact, by revealing all of Trixie’s problems right up front, I felt like it robbed the reader of the opportunity to see the layers peeled back as Cheese slowly comes to understand the pony he’s talking to, especially since it all comes up in the dialogue between them, anyway.
Thankfully, it does improve from there. Cheese is well-characterized, and while Trixie’s personality isn’t portrayed the same way we’ve seen in the show, this is meant to show another side of her, so there’s nothing to complain about in that regard. The interplay between the two feels natural, and although it’s a bit rushed in a couple of places, their story flows smoothly.
If this were tagged as a comedy, I’d dock it a few (non-existent) points because the attempts at humor are lacking. Some people will laugh, of course, but the humor is neither bold nor inventive.
The writing itself is generally good. The mechanics are solid, although it does have quite a few typos, and it suffers from occasional LUS and saidism abuse.
Verdict: This is a perfectly serviceable bit of friendshipping between side characters. I’d recommend it for anyone who likes slice of life stories, unusual non-romantic pairings, and the characters involved.
I’ll Always be Here for You, by The Abyss
Tags: Romance, Sad, Slice of Life
Rating: Teen
Length: 74,106 words (Incomplete – 7/18 chapters read)
Synopsis: After discovering that Scootaloo comes from an abusive home, Dash and Twilight take her in, forming a romantic bond in the process.
Review: While I’m not a fan of authors portraying Scootaloo as someone who gets crapped on by life, fate, and every passing pigeon, I am a sucker for stories about her. Mostly, they end up being bad. On rare occasions, a gem appears. This one falls somewhere in the middle.
The plot is fairly straightforward (as of the point I’ve seen) and the pacing is drawn out enough to keep the romance from feeling forced, but also quick enough to avoid feeling like it’s spinning its wheels or lacking direction. The characterization is mostly believable, although I found Celestia to be a little questionable.
The biggest area in which this story fails is the repetitiveness of its prose. Words are frequently repeated too close together, and every emotion and motive is clearly spelled out, even after being shown. The severity of the telling makes it difficult for me to press ahead in the story.
Aside from that, there’s some LUS—haracters are frequently referred to with epithets such as “the unicorn,” “the pegasus,” “the filly,” etc.—and a bit of saidism abuse, although that isn’t too severe. It’s just that some of the bookisms are dumb. Lastly, there’s an infestation of adverbs that grate on my nerves, but won’t matter to most readers.
Oh yeah, I nearly forgot to mention that there’s also a scene where Twilight scolds Spike for being up too late, and a few paragraphs later, she lets him run off to Sweet Apple Acres to build a snow fort. I found that little error hilarious.
Mechanically, there’s not much to complain about.
Verdict: If the repetitious prose doesn’t bother you, there’s a decent story to be told. Recommended for fans of Scootaloo sadfics, TwiDash, and lengthy slice of life stuff.
Tags: Slice of Life
Rating: Everyone
Length: 5,527 words (Complete – 2/2 chapters read)
Synopsis: A master thief turns himself in and tells his story.
Review: I didn’t pay any attention to this in the feature box because, of course, very little worth reading ever makes it there, as further illustrated by the first story in this list. However, JohnPerry said it was good, so I figured I should check it out.
Turns out he was right. It’s a well-crafted story that stays focused, tells a complete story, and has a great payoff. A lot of the concepts are interesting, especially in regard to the castle’s security and the thief’s methods of bypassing it.
Of course, I do need to nitpick it a bit. First, it does cheat a little bit by allowing the main character to use a variety of magic MacGuffins from an overly convenient source. During the interrogation scenes, where there’s nothing but dialogue, it’s sometimes difficult to tell who’s speaking, especially at one point near the end. Finally, there are a few hiccups in the grammar, most notably a couple of sentences that are constructed awkwardly or missing critical commas, which makes their meanings difficult to discern and brought my reading to a grinding halt until I made sense of them.
Verdict: It’s an interesting story with a great ending, and for once, it’s a featured fic that actually deserved a spot in the box. Go check it out if you haven’t already.
Equestrian Concepts, by Achaian
Tags: Dark, Adventure
Rating: Teen
Length: 105,291 words (Complete – 4/19 chapters read)
Synopsis: Ditzy Doo goes on vacation, has adventures in Canterlot, and faces the demons of her past.
Review: Here’s a story that has a lot going for it. It’s grammatically solid and offers an interesting take on a beloved side character. The problem is that Equestrian Concepts is one of the least engaging stories I’ve ever seen.
From the outset, the story keeps readers from getting a firm grasp on what sort of story they’re reading by switching time settings and perspectives. Flashbacks have their place, but the reader needs to understand the framing first, and that just isn’t the case here.
Even after the story finds its footing and its nature becomes more clear, it suffers from awkward, purple prose. It’s so severe that there’s actually an entire paragraph—a lengthy one, no less—in an early chapter about Ditzy’s tears pooling and and pouring down into a waterfall. It’s boring, pointless, and brings the narrative to a screeching halt. The prose is often repetitive, and every single emotion Derpy feels is spelled out, even when it’s also shown.
Aside from that, it suffers from quite a few of the usual pitfalls, such as saidism abuse, LUS, and overuse of adjectives/adverbs.
Verdict: This story bored me like few have ever managed. The idea of reading more of it makes me want to drown myself in a vat of acid. However, that’s not to say it’s truly bad. If you have a higher tolerance for that particular style—If you enjoy the works of shortskirtsandexplosions, for example—and have a fondness for Ditzy/Derpy stories, you might enjoy it.
Tags: Tragedy, Dark, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Human
Rating: Teen, Gore
Length: 34,586 words (Incomplete – 3/8 chapters read)
Synopsis: A bunch of templars from the crusades appear in Equestria.
Review: I went into this with really low expectations. Hell, I was dead certain it would suck. Let’s see if I was right.
The story opens on a completely unnecessary—and 100% skippable—chapter, which consists of a letter from an unknown author to an unknown character about events we have yet to see and people we don’t care about. From there, it goes into stuff about some human characters who have no personalities. At all. Stuff happens quickly, and with no explanation, they’re suddenly in Equestria, where the ponies all have plot-driven reactions to their presence. There’s also some action scenes, which aren’t particularly dynamic and suffer from a bit of passive voice and a general lack of descriptiveness.
I’ll give the story this much, though; as HiE concepts go, the idea of using a bunch of crusaders, as opposed to the usual brony or angsty teen, is a welcome change of pace.
The grammar is generally okay, although it’s loaded with extra commas that throw off the prose’s flow. However, it commits one sin that bugs the hell out of me: having canon characters use a British vernacular. Every time I see a pony (who is not Pipsqueak) call his/her mother “Mum,” I want to kick a random Brit in the nuts.
Verdict: If you like this concept, you’ll probably want to have a look. However, if the premise doesn’t have you drooling, just move along and find something else to read.
Getting Their Just Desert, by dancing mop
Tags: Comedy, Adventure
Rating: Everyone
Length: 4,842 words (Incomplete – 2/2 chapters read)
Synopsis: In the aftermath of The Last Roundup, Rarity and Pinkie try to make their way back to Ponyville, having misadventures along the way.
Review: Considering the rather open ending of the episode it follows, I’m surprised I’ve never seen a fic that explored this idea before.
It sets the scene quickly and effectively establishes a scenario under which Rarity and Pinkie will have to face more trials than simply moving a hoofcar down the tracks. With numerous conflicts in play (environmental, internal, and interpersonal) there’s a lot of material to keep things moving.
However, that’s also where the first flaw arises. I think Pinkie’s side of the conflict with Rarity is a bit forced. She’s just too aggressive and quick to blame Rarity for things that she would usually blame herself for. It pushes the limits of what I can accept from her characterization.
As a comedy, it isn’t working for me. Of course, comedy is subjective, so take this with a grain of salt, but I felt like the running gags were overplayed, and my immersion in the story was ripped out and beaten to death with a cricket bat when a certain fandom meme (Rarity fighting a giant crab) popped up.
Mechanically, it has one significant fault: dialogue punctuation. Because the wrong punctuation is used so often to open and close dialogue, and pronouns in dialogue tags are often capitalized, it can make reading unnecessarily difficult. Related to that, it also has some saidism abuse.
Verdict: There’s a lot of potential merit here, even if there’s not much content yet. On the other hand, that means the author will have an easy time fixing the errors before the story goes too far. However, I recommend coming for the adventure aspects instead of the comedy. If you look for laughs, you might walk away disappointed.
One Tenth-Bit, by Estee
Tags: Slice of Life
Rating: Everyone
Length: 9,707 words (Complete – 1/1 chapter read)
Synopsis: During a trip to Canterlot, Rarity is accused of theft when she picks up a coin from the floor in a department store. A confrontation with a corrupt cop follows.
Review: I included this, despite reading it months ago, because someone requested that I review one of Estee’s stories. Of the ones I’ve read, this is easily my favorite.
Rarity’s confrontation with the corrupt officer, who is determined to trump up a reason to bust her even though she didn’t really commit a crime, is a terrible scenario that many people have faced in real life. He may seem like a caricature to some, but that’s because they don’t understand that the problem he represents is not only real, but it’s becoming increasingly severe. I’ve had two experiences with that sort of cop, myself, and although I came through them okay, I know other people who weren’t so fortunate.
Now, don’t get me wrong. This story isn’t perfect. It opens up on an unnecessary infodump that lasts for several hundred words, and it ends on a bit of a cop-out, with the sad truth of the situation only properly acknowledged in the closing lines. However, despite its flaws, it tells a story that’s relevant to the real world without straying too far from the core of MLP:FiM. In addition, an argument can be made that a depressing ending might have made the story more realistic, but it would have felt less like a proper pony story.
It has a few mechanical foibles, but those are mostly things that got overlooked during editing, not anything consistent. There’s also some saidism abuse, but severe examples (dialogue verbs that restate/summarize what was just said in the dialogue) are thankfully rare.
Verdict: Overall, this is an excellent story about abuse of power. The infodump at the beginning is annoying, but it doesn’t give away all the details about the scenario, so there are a few layers to peel back. I highly recommend checking it out unless you absolutely worship all forms of authority and believe they should be obeyed without question.
Want me to take a shot at a particular story? Make a request in the comments.
Rules:
—It can be yours or someone else’s, and I don’t care whether it’s good or a train wreck.
—You can request a story of any length, but I make no guarantees that I’ll read it, and I may not finish long ones.
—One request per person per review post, and only on the most recent one.
—If I don’t like your story, don’t be butthurt over it. It's just one guy's opinion, and I'll probably recommend it for someone, even if I hate it.
And that’s probably the last you’ll hear from me until I finish moving. ‘Til next time, cesspool dwellers!
Nightmare's Return, bro. :D
Good luck with your move, Prak! Added Little Deceptions and Just Dessert to my read list.
This blog made me giggle. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts, Prak. They are entertaining and informative at once.
Double Kudos on the Tenth-Bit too. Just like in golf, some people/ponies require a certain size of stick to be struck with before the light dawns. In this case, it was moon-sized.
Hey, some little birdy told me ya reviewed mah story. To be honest, my hopes instantly fell when I saw that you had titled the blog post badfic slaughterhouse haha.
As for your review, I'd say that's pretty accurate. Thanks for pointing out that mistake lol. I'm currently in the process of revising the entire story (again), so I'll be sure to fix that when I get to it.
2467613
Added to my list.
2467641
As the sign above my toilet says: I aim to please.
You aim too, please.2468003
I'm a cynical bastard, so I needed a suitably sardonic title for the blogs. I'm glad it's effective.
As for that little goof, I found it funny (and no one else seems to have noticed it) so I'll be sad to see it go away. I suppose you have to do what's best for the story, though.
My gut tells me I saw two "Rarity and Pinkie post-Last Roundup" fics, though I can't for the life of me remember the names.
The funny thing about your choice; One Tenth-Bit was the first Estee fic I've read! I can't really narrow any of his as my favorite, it certainly holds a special place in my heart. Godbless, you crazy machoist!
Would you believe that the certain fandom meme you blackboxed out above actually happened by accident? I completely forgot that was a thing.
Then I posted the chapter, and realized what I'd done.
Oh, it's when I split sentences with dialogue tags between! I could have sworn I did that right. Thanks for the heads up; you rock!
2468431
It's called The Road to Ponyville, and is a great story that inspired mine in large part.