Fixing ambiguity in "The Quiet One" (kill your darlings) · 11:03pm Jun 25th, 2023
Back in 2014, I posted a flash-fiction about Luna called "The Quiet One". Yamgoth wrote in the comments of Luna's "cold, silent fury", which wasn't what I'd wanted to focus on.
Read the new version first (it's under 700 words; link may change so go back to the story TOC if it's wrong), then read the spoilered text below to see how I fixed it. Then, if you would, tell me which version you like better.
The original version--well, the most-recent version of the original version--had this passage:
“When she’d walk by in the morning,” the pegasus said, “she’d smile as she passed me on her way in. Just that one smile, you know, but it would last me the whole day. It was like—like honey, or warm mead.”
“Or hot melted butter,” the unicorn said. "I remember."
“It’ll be a cold and quiet palace now, mark my words,” the pegasus said. “I’ve half a mind to ask for a discharge.”
“Don’t talk like that. We’re royal guards. We’ve seen worse than cold looks.”
“For her. That one, she don’t even know my name.”
“First Corporal Wind Racer,” a husky voice said from the other side of the room.
The pegasus guard inhaled sharply and jerked to a more rigid attention, his eyes and nostrils wide, his breath held. His ears flicked up and down, struggling to stay upright. Luna stepped back from the coffin and fixed her eyes on him without changing expression. “Go and inform the Captain of the Guard that any member of the Solar Guard who no longer wishes to serve may receive an honorable discharge.” Then she looked back down at the coffin, and raised her forehooves to its edge once more. Her demeanor was so unchanged and remote that it seemed to the two guards that they might have only imagined she had spoken at all.
Wind Racer blinked at the princess uncertainly, but she did not look up again. He glanced at his comrade, then saluted to Luna, clicked his rear hooves, and marched out the exit.
The problem was that Luna might have been gripping the coffin's edge so hard out of sorrow, or out of rage at the guards. Rage at the guards distracts from what I wanted to focus on: Luna being disliked because she doesn't express emotions the same way as other ponies.
I filed this away at the time, and only yesterday realized there was an absurdly simple solution: Luna must not speak.
Why did I have her say anything at all in the first version? I think it was because I fell in love with the way Luna shows up Wind Racer. I love the first and the last lines of Luna's response:
“First Corporal Wind Racer,” a husky voice said from the other side of the room. ... Her demeanor was so unchanged and remote that it seemed to the two guards that they might have only imagined she had spoken at all.
I liked for him to get some come-uppance, and to show Luna maintaining her steely control. But it introduced an ambiguity that, IMHO, ruined the story. And all I had to do to fix it was delete one paragraph and a few lines of dialogue.
The story definitely hits different with this change. I do find it really fun to see her show up First Corporal Wind Racer, and I also think it fits her to be viciously kind like this, but you're right that it distracts from the theme.
I do think she could have cold fury anyway though. Her emotion towards the death of her sister needn't strictly be sorrow.
I feel it's an effective change for Luna to not to react to the guards at all, especially not in the middle of her grieving. While it's also plausible that she could react, it seems more likely that their opinions would not be of even mild consequence or deserve any consideration, compared with her own loss and suffering. And of course, not reacting to them plays right into their "I wish we had our happy Sun Princess back" thoughtlessness...
An excellent example of why "kill your darlings" is such good advice. It's not that the bit you fell in love with is bad, it might genuinely be great writing, but, if it doesn't serve the needs of the story, it's a distraction.
Hmm. Not a huge difference, but it does make the story flow a little more elegantly.
I've found a lot of places where I kill dialogue to speed up action or intensify an emotional response. Luna makes a *wonderful* deadpan snarker on the serious side, Spike on the humorous side. And I can always depend on her emotions.
Hmm!
The new version plays better than the original version for the purposes of a one-shot. If this were part of a longer work you'd probably want to go with the original version; for a one-off flash fiction? This is better. It's more subtle, it demands more of the reader while also trusting them more.
In fact, I think you can cut even further:
Yep, I prefer the new version. For me, making Luna stay in complete silence somehow increases that sensation that Luna is alienated, as if stressing the fact that now she's even more alone than before, nobody empathize with her and nobody is there to offer her a shoulder.
PS: When I translated your fanfic two months ago, there were 24 chapters. Now I see that there are 22! 😧 Has there been data loss or something? 😟
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You're the first to notice. I unpublished one because I think it isn't good enough, and another because I think it's good enough to sell.
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Oh! He he he! 😁 Everything fine then. I hope you make good money from your tale! 💵🍀