It Is Recommendsday, My Dudes #109 · 8:14pm Apr 19th, 2023
So way way back at the very beginning of this blog series, I did one about how I'm not a fan of the Human in Equestria subgenre. To re-summarize: they're boring. Half of them are the exact same story, just with the main character's name switched and a rotation of which Main 6 pony they end up dating. The humans involved are usually the thinnest self-inserts or power fantasies and the stories themselves are the literary equivalent of watery oatmeal. The Human tag is one of the fastest ways to turn me off of a story.
But that's also not universal, and there's some serious gems in the mix. That last blog, I put up four that I absolutely loved. Since then, I've added a few more to my favorites list and I figured this is a good time to share some of them.
The first ties back to a Tumblr post that's stuck with me for years:
The story? Naughty_Ranko's My battery is low, and it's getting dark.
On Mars, the rover Opportunity is dying. Batteries running out and its solar panels blocked by a raging dust storm, it has reached the end of a long life and a successful mission. Reaching out into the cosmos, it sends one last transmission home:
*** Message Sent: My battery is low, and it’s getting dark ***
But Earth doesn't hear it. Instead, it is heard far, far away by a most unexpected source.
*** Message Received (Source: null): My name is Starlight Glimmer. I’m hearing your calls. But it feels like they’re getting weaker. Are you alright? Who are you? ***
Then she makes an impulsive Starlight decision. There is a flash of light and the MER-B 'Opportunity' rover appears on the roof of the Castle of Friendship. It nearly kills Starlight in the process, and now there's a new problem: what do ponies do with a semi-autonomous rover? (Make friends with it, of course, come on you should know that by now.)
Okay, so technically this isn't quite human in Equestria (though humans proper do show up later) but I figure it's close enough. Oppy's fun anyway so that's fine. The plucky rover takes a little time to evolve into a more realized character, but once it gets there? Oppy's a blast. Kind of reminds me of the 1986 film Short Circuit. Plus the cast around is rather fun - normally stories like this are focused on the Main 6, but Opportunity instead gets involved with characters like Starlight, Trixie, Maud, and Cranky Doodle Donkey. That's a wonderfully refreshing shift, and gives a lot more fun dynamics.
The story itself does a good job as well of keeping the stakes relatively low and reasonable: Opportunity has some challenges and there's some odd stuff going on (see: Mars) but for the most part it's a much more settled, character-heavy piece. Even the climax's conflict is a lot more personal and focused more heavily on Opportunity's identity and character rather than the antagonist of the week that so many HiE stories lean into.
As a whole, the story's got a great WALL-E-ish vibe to it, backed by a great mix of comedy and drama. It's a fun and boisterous piece that gets me right in the heart just often enough. (The opening chapter really nails it for me. Gives me a little shiver every time.)
For today's second entry, we go to Chicago Ted and their 2021 story, The Children of Planet Earth.
In 1994, an interstellar anomaly dubbed the Flandro Object is discovered in near-Earth space. A wormhole across the galaxy, it sparks an international space initiative to explore the distant stars. A ship - the Zodiac-Altair - travels to a planet discovered on the far side that is tentatively named Rhysling with plans to establish a research colony. Upon entering orbit, the astronauts discover signs of an unexpected native civilization. Thawing out the crew's linguistic specialist from cryo-sleep, they send Dr. Adam Somerset down to make contact with the natives and discern just what they're dealing with. They did not expect him to encounter a small purple horse with a horn and wings who identifies herself in an alien tongue as ɑ̃ˈtiɹ l̩sɑˈpɑ.
Get used to seeing that, because it's one of this fic's big highlights. See, Chicago Ted leans heavily into linguistics: for most of the story, the Equestrians speak in an entirely different language (and in fact a wholly alien alphabet) that's as unknown to the reader as it is to the protagonist. (For those who want to spoil a little of the mystery, Ted provides a handy translation in a blog.) This really adds a ton to the story, and I say that in general and not just because I friggin' love conlangs. It also functions as a wonderful story tool to show progress: as the story goes on, the alphabet and language become more and more understandable. It goes from [ɦɹ̩sˈlěj .. ʙẽ mɯlˈzl̩ ʒojɑŋdɑˈɹu .. ɹiᵑǃɑˈlɑ̌ ʒoɦubuˈʙu mɯl xẽleseˈxe] to “Esj ũyatalsail xurucru, hõ Njilidi”, slowly morphing from gibberish into something that's still alien but more recognizable as language.
The other big highlight for me is the author's notes. Chicago Ted worked with Admiral Biscuit on this story, and the notes really reflect that. They're jam packed with background information, real world examples of the human equipment and systems used, story development notes of considerable depth, and so on. Chapter 3 has four pages just talking about space suit design. I eat that stuff up like candy - it's a real thrill.
As for the story itself, it's quite solid if a touch standard. (For me, that's a compliment because HiE usually ranks far lower than that.) But rather than the human being magically transported from a convention or being hit by a truck, the more conventional (such as it is) reasoning makes it... more acceptable? More understandable to me. Maybe it's having grown up on classic scifi that does it, but I admit being a sucker for exploring strange new worlds and making contact with strange alien civilizations. Adam's a good protag and the story's well written, but the linguistics are what really set it apart from the pack.
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I don't know that it still quite captivates me enough to want to read it, but the Mars Rover one certainly made me raise an eyebrow. Probably because I love anthropomorphised robots with quirky, curious personalities. Probably no surprise WALL-E is my best Pixar film. So I'm really glad this story exists.
At the very least, I have added it to one of my lower-priority backlogs, so I don't lose track of it. That's something.
I tried The Children of Planet Earth, and I won't deny that it has some captivating, reality-based "What if a human really visited Equestria?" moments. But the pacing was just so slow. I understand that the author was primarily interested in the mechanics of creating a truly alien language, but that seemed to keep getting in the way of things happening. When there was an entire chapter devoted to the protagonist deciphering the meaning of individual phonemes, that was when I tapped out. (I've never read Tolkien's books, but I assume he didn't stop the action cold in the middle of the story to explain how his invented languages worked.) Compare this to Arrow 18 Mission Logs: Lone Ranger, which was also about an extraterrestrial visitor to Equestria, but which was able to successfully balance "explain the tedious steps that need to be taken to ensure a living being can survive on an alien world" with "keep the story moving."
I will check out My battery is low, and it’s getting dark based on your recommendation. I had assumed that the story took place entirely on Mars with a near-dead Opportunity, which didn't sound particularly enthralling. But "Starlight Glimmer brings a Mars rover to Equestria" has potential.
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Well, let's be honest: that's not exactly a fair comparison. Arrow 18 is probably the site's absolute best HiE. (I don't disagree with your points, and Children does have slow spots for sure, but that's a comparison very, very few stories would come out looking good in.)