Chapter 1: Unwanted Field Trip
It is another normal day for our heroes of Jump City, the birds are singing, kids are at the playground playing and laughing, and a bank is being robbed by The Amazing Mumbo. He was in his normal get-up, that of a 1960's style Las Vegas magician. And for once he thought that he was going to get away, but fortunately for the bank, that wasn't going to happen. At that moment the city's heroes, the Teen Titans, came to the rescue. Five people comprised the team: Cyborg, the half man, half machine powerhouse. Raven, daughter of a demon named Trigon, giving her immense magical power. Beast Boy, lighthearted with the power to turn into any animal he can think of. Star Fire, the princess to the planet of Tamaran. And their leader, Robin: The Boy Wonder, an intelligent and resourceful boy after being with Batman for so long, decided to go on his own, only later to become the leader of his own team. They landed in front of him and Robin was the first to speak,
"Hold it right there Mumbo!" Dropping one of the money bags in his top hat he retorted,
"That is The Amazing Mumbo to you!" At that moment rolled up his sleeves and reached back into his hat. This time pulling out a gun and preparing to fire it at them. At that instant Robin Yelled out, "TITANS GO!" Within a few hours, the fight was over and the Jump City police had Mumbo in cuff being hauled away in a armored prisoner van.
"You know what this calls for, some Pizza!" stated Cyborg. The rest of the team had no disagreement, so they headed off to their usual pizza shop hang-out. Less did they know, they were being watched. Trigon sat in his throne in the underworld looking into the the hole in space and time that aloud him to spy on the Titans.
"Hmmm, so it seems that they have stayed together through all the trouble that my daughter has caused them."
At that moment a familiar voice joined in,
"But Trigon, how are we going to succeed in you taking over earth if they are in the way?"
"Ah don't worry Slade, You know that dimension I promised you the rule of? I will send them there."
"But--" Slade protested only to be cut off. "Don't worry, there are some strong enemies of the native heroes and leaders of that dimension that would believe it to be a pleasure to help you defeat your enemies as long as you defeat theirs. And beside you have my power with you. It will be, as your people put it, a cake walk."
"Yes Trigon, as you wish."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Titans had returned to the Titans Tower and were now all in their respective rooms asleep... Well, all of them except a green boy sitting in front of his computer watching something on it. All of a sudden, he recited his favorite line in unison with the blue pony, "Pinkie Pie, you are so random." Beast Boy had relaxing thought of everyone else being asleep so he wouldn't have to worry about being caught watching a cartoon for five year old girls. Just as he was about to say another line though, the alarm went off. He turned off his computer and rushed into the living room where the rest of the team had now assembled. "Yo whats going on?" questioned Cyborg but he got his answer not from Robin, but on the main security screen. Standing on the roof where their helipad is stood Slade, holding a old wooden staff. They didn't even need to be commanded what to do next, they all rushed to the roof to prepare to fight their old enemy, now intruder. Once they made it up there, he just responded in his calm, cool voice. "Ah, if it's not the Teen Titans... Long time, no see huh?" The Titans were on edge and and everyone was silent for what seemed like forever, then finaly Robin broke the silence. "Slade what are you doing here!?" Slade was unfazed, "Oh Robin, I'm just making a visit... and making way for a new world order." At that statement he slammed the wooden staff on the ground, creating a giant black swirling wormhole. And before any of the Titans could react, they were sucked in followed by Slade himself jumping in.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
A hour later and our heroes now land on the edge of a forest. The sun was, just coming over the horizon. Exhausted, hungry, they all did nothing but slump over and pass out. But before Beast Boy finally lost consciousness, he muttered to himself, "Hm, this place seems familiar for some reason..."
A/N: Well Thanks for reading my first chapter, Hope you enjoyed it. I will try to write longer ones in the future. Please, this being my first Fan fic, give me some pointers.
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Why is Slade working for Trigon? If this is after they defeated him, wouldn't Slade tell Trigon to go &^%# himself?
Bring me back in the good old days... 5 years ago. You should put spaces between conversation, hard to read. Good job, tracking this.
Okay...It's criticism time - here's my game face -->
First of all, as you know, you need to try for longer chapters. Generally speaking, anything from the 2,500 - 3,500 and above is good for a chapter. Folks typically favor chapters of that length, because they are neither too short, nor too long.
Secondly, possessives: "'At that moment the cities heroes...'" cities should be city's. Alternatively, in the case of a word that ends in <S>, i.e. apples, there is no extra <S>, and instead the apostrophe ( one of these ' ) is dropped on the end of the word. Like so - The apples' tree was orange. Also, for future reference, in other words, for typing Applejack's dialect, you can drop an apostrophe on the end of a word where a letter is dropped. For example: "There's nothin' to it," said Applejack.
184581 What he said, please break up characters' dialogue with separate paragraphs - not only is it good form, but it's also much easier to read. Walls of text are rather unbecoming, and tend to add a sense of unneeded haste to the story that can ruin pacing. So break things up, like so:
*mock scene*
Rainbow Dash watched in awe as Applejack cleared the tree's boughs of its apples in less than ten seconds flat - and with only a single swift buck. "How did you do that!" she exclaimed.
"Aw, shucks, Rainbow," AJ muttered before returning to her work. "There's nothin' to it," she said with a grunt as she cleared another tree of its succulent fruits.
*end mock scene*
Yup... So other than those small things, everything else checks it relatively well. I know this is a bit much for things so little, but I do so want to see this succeed. Good luck, and keep writing; after all, you'll only get better with practice.
@ Breakfateschain Well I did it mostly to move the story forward, and I thought that if Slade was offered control of an entire planet, he may just reconsider his broken ties with Trigon.
@ NetherPortal, Thanks I'm glad you are enjoying it. I will make sure to correct the conversation problem in this chapter and make sure to avoid it in future ones.
Ok my opinion MOST BADASS THING I HAVE EVER SEEN YOU MUST WRITE NOW
aND YES THAT IS RAINBOWDASH CORRUPTED MY AVATAR INDEED :D
I'm actually interested in the point the Titans find out that BB has been watching MLP so I'm tracking this. Just to see Raven finally laugh and cause mass chaos, because you can't stop yourself around Pinkie it's just not possible. It's as impossible as beating Chuck Norris if you weren't trained by Bruce Lee.
If you require criticism, take it with a grain of salt. This is my Me-Bra (Me+Zebra): Your Antagonist. He will guide you along the path of kick-flank action writing.
"Please have a seat sir," Your Antagonist urged as he gestured to a chair before him
. The Zebra cleared his throat before continuing "Allow me to start by stating this: you have a badass concept for a story sir, but the issue lies therein. You see, the glaring issue with this fic lies not only in the spacing and what have you, nay my friend, those are simply minor inconveniences."
Your Antagonist procured a napkin from the table and coughed into it thoroughly and deliberately as though the gesture was sarcastic. After his his coughing fit was over, the zebra extended his hoof across the the table, procuring a cup of tea that he brought back and sipped greedily, making slight sucking sounds as he indulged himself. "No I'm afraid your problem lies in the realm of show vs tell. Once again I reiterate, I love this idea for a fanfic, but the premise of doing something teen titans related requires action, description, and a verbal mural to portray what's going on. What happened with that Mumbo Jumbo fight?," The Zebra coughed again "Nary once did I come across a singular punch being thrown, I didn't imagine beastboy turning into a rhino and charging mumbo against a wall, shattering it and destroying the foundations of the building. Did Raven cast her magic upon a car and hurl it towards Mumbo, missing horribly and taking out a fruit stand in an inferno of glory? I wouldn't know
, the author didn't show me
. Instead i was stuck with a relatively bland explanation of how the titans apparently beat him a few hours later and he was taken away by the cops
. Did the titans receive any thanks? Who knows, I was just told that they went to titans tower."
Your Antagonist stood up from the table and rotated his neck clockwise all the while muttering to himself about cricks in his neck. "There's more to be learned about show vs tell, and i promise you, it can be greatly flushed out if you read this little guide known as The Editor's Omnibus. Now aside from that stuff, there's the matter of present vs past tense. I'm not here to call either of them wrong, but it is a bit irksome to the audience to have to jump between each form. Stay past or stay present. I recommend you stick with past since it's easier, but present tense can be beautiful if applied properly. Other then those errors, your story is pretty intriguing, but hopefully you learn the value of show vs. tell. Now I leave you with this very inspiring music video
. Watch it, feel happy for some strange reason take a walk, and then come back feeling magical as hell, and put your all to the keyboard and crank out a diamond! I'm lookin' forward to seeing your improved chapters
!"
As soon as he finished, Your Antagonist clutched his stomach and doubled over. His face was strained turning slowly scarlet as he released a massive fart that burned him alive from the inside out while his body caught fire. Inevitably he was burned into ashes that were blown away into the night air.
184633
You want to be a grammar Nazi? I will be a grammar Nazi:
Copy Paste:
*mock scene*
Rainbow Dash watched in awe as Applejack cleared the tree's boughs of its apples in less than ten seconds flat - and with only a single swift buck. "How did you do that!" she exclaimed.
"How did you do that!" she exclaimed.
How did you do that!
She was talking in the form of a question. You used used an exclamation point.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ld65f1RAv11qd6ian.gif
But, anyways.
This story looks great. I am absolutely loving it so far.
Keep up the good work!
Short, and like the odd mini-story says, it needs more content.
I personally think that Teen Titans was pretty good.Old but good and with this being ponified its about 20% cooler
184635 Still he could just be lieing, and i;m sure slade would be wary of that.
184703 same
words for beastboy... FAN GASM
great story
184571 Don't care. This is good and that's all that matters.
184581 Nether Portal? THIS is nether portal:
Yay beast boys a Brony
BROHOOF!!
Rivise the first chapter, paticualy that fight with Mumbo
Good job in the next chapter is raven a alicorn ?
The originals liked pizza?! The reboots loved Pizza! As said in an episode by Mas y Menos
Even 5 year old BOYS apparently, and 11 year old girls.