Rain was pouring outside. It was so loud, I could hear the rain from where I was sleeping. That rain made me slowly wake up. I opened my eyes and got up. Simmering noises rang in my ears, as the smell of fresh pancake was being cooked in a frying pan. I looked next to me to see no one.
I guess Twilight was awake, I thought. I got up and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror to see the red coated me. I used the bathroom and went downstairs. I followed the smell of the pancakes (mmmmm. Pancakes. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water.) to the kitchen, where Spike was making it.
"G'morning Spike. Where's twilight?" I said to Spike, who was on a stool making the pancake batter.
"She's at Canterlot, meeting up with the rest of the elements, except Rainbow Dash." Spike said, mixing the batter. "Twilight told me Rainbow Dash wanted to race with you."
"In this weather? No thanks." I replied.
"The pegasi are stopping the rain any minute. Not because of Dash, but because it rained all night last night." Conveniently, the rain stopped.
"Well, see ya!" I ran out of the house. I saw a good look at the town, the town hall, Raritys boutique, Cloudsdales rainbow factory, Sugarcube corner, just to name a few. Then, I saw it. A trail of rainbow flew next to me. It flew off to Celestia knows where, so I decided I should follow it. I raced after the colored trail to see a familiar blue Pegasus.
"You ready?" Rainbow dash asked.
"You bet I am." I replied.
"First one to Crystal empire wins!"
"You're on!" And I was right. Rainbow soared past me. I flew right where Rainbow Dash was. The sun was beating down on us, so it was hard flying because it was so hot! Rainbow was going further than me. I caught up with her, so we were at the same speed. The wind was blowing in our hair. We could see everywhere in Equestria. Then, we saw the blue crystal castle with the crystal heart in the center. We rushed to get to the top of the castle. Rainbow Dash and I were inching towards the top. Rainbow soared past me and won.
"Ha ha! I told you I could beat you!" Rainbow dash said. "But you did a good job for your first flight with those wings!"
"Thanks." I said with my head down.
"Cheer up, Wind! I want to show you something awesome!" Rainbow dash flew up. "Come on! What are you waiting for, Hearths Warming Eve?" I flew up with Rainbow Dash. She showed me around the Crystal Empire, from the town, to the crystal castle. She also showed me the Crystal Heart! "I wanted you to meet some ponies that I know, but they are away for now! But I'll let you meet them!"
"Who are they?" I asked Rainbow Dash.
"Twilight's brother, Shining Armor, and his wife, Princess Cadence!" Rainbow Dash said. We sent the rest of the day just flying around Equestria, talking about what I did with Babs before in my dreams. "How do you even contact Babs in your dreams? Is it a spell?"
"Well, one night I had a dream that I was here, and Babs found me. We had this special sibling bond, even though we are not siblings."
"Just like me and my filly friend Scootaloo!"
"Eeyup. Like that!" After we talked for a while, it started to get dark.
"So, where are you going to sleep at?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Twilight's place." I replied.
"Oh, that tree that has a library in it! You do know Twilight's kind of an Egghead, right?"
"Yeah, but an attractive one at that!" We flew to the front door of Twilight's house.
"So, which pony are you going to hang out with tomorrow?" Rainbow dash asked.
"Maybe Fluttershy." I replied.
"Yeah. Fluttershy's a good friend. You'll like her. Well, good night!" Rainbow dash hugged me as she ran off. I went inside Twilght's library tree, just in time for dinner.
It's...eh...mediocre at best.
My only real question is what's your angle? You can't tell a story, you can't sing (I've seen your youtube videos) and your "comedy" sketches are painfully unfunny. So what's the deal? Are you trying to gain fame through notoriety? Maybe figure if you're really bad people will start to watch you and like you ironically?
Maybe I'm just not seeing where you're coming from. Care to elaborate?
2339878
Oh, thank Celestia! A Mediocre rating! I think deleting this story is the best option!
2307606
FIMFICTION, Y U DISLIKE COMMENT?
Hmmmmm. I knew I didn't dream this comment up.
2340860
Must. Delete. Comment
Everypony on the Internet: NO'
Oh, fine. I won't delete it. But I have 3 words to tell you.
YOU ARE SCUM! (Srsly)
I wonder if people actually like this.
Windwaker and Twilight Sparkle: better love story than Twilght!
Anypony agree?
2341281
And you're not funny. (Srsly). I guess that makes us even but the difference is I can be a really nice guy when I want to.
And it's your petty refusal to actually take the constructive criticism and try to redo this story that is getting you so many downvotes. And I'm seriously wondering what's your angle here? You yourself admit that this story sucks so why continue doing the same thing you've done up until now? There has to be a reason for this and I'm legitimately curious as to what that might be.
2341295
No. Even the retched hellhole that the whole damned Twilight saga resides in is much better than this.
It's because your stories aren't entertaining. They're just a bore. And an OC X Mane Six ship?
~Blonic
2341837 Are you the one and only 'TehAlphaGamer' that makes alternate titles? If so, how long since you have stopped doing that? If not, then meh...
Anyways, got back to see if there are any changes in the author's personality.
Welp... if you can't hold yourself back, then be my guest.
Just a small tip: If you can't hold yourself back against hate comments, avoid them, easy as that.
Also.
Just... just don't do this.
No offense, but... know what? I don't want to say it because I can see myself, standing in your position. The times of being a bad writer, in the middle of this hardcore site. You remind me of being bashed by a lot of hardcore critics. But, I have to admit: If it weren't for them. If I didn't follow their opinion. Then I'm guessing I would still be making crappy self-insert stories.
This... Is all so... random!!!
2347460
Tell me about it.
2309399
I'm not exactly sure that sounds like Babs. And MCMC? The CMC aren't the Ponyville Cutie Mark Crusaders, so why is the Babs version the Manehatten CMC?
[sarcasm] You have made the best fanficiton EVER! [/sarcasm]
But keep on writing, we were all where you were.
Oh, congrazzles on making this a chatroom. I think.
2349694
I was expecting you, uh, (checks list) Velvet Remedy? XD I think I will friend you on there!
Anyway, thanks for the encouragement.
I will unmake my Gary sue! By adding (GASP) A PHOBIA!
Babs: A PHOBIA!
A PHOBIA!
Babs: What kind of phobia?
Find out in the next chapter
2349707
Technically my normal username is Shift but I need to wait until April 4th.
Anyway, i'll be cheering you on!
2349714
Um thanks. I will do MOAR until I complete! I must finish what I have started
2349707
So in other words he'll be even more a Gary Stu once you're done.
A lot of authors, in an attempt to shield their OC from being called a Mary Sue / Gary Stu, will give them a small but meaningless flaw which really doesn't impact the character or their Sueness. In fact it's only purpose is to be, pardon the pun, trotted out when people say that the character is a Sue.
"Oh no, Windwalker can't be a Gary Stu. Look! He's not perfect! He's afraid of mustard!"
In order to get him out of Sue territory you need to change how quickly he gets together with Twilight Sparkle. He can't be almost as fast as Rainbow Dash. And he can't be the 7th Element of Harmony. I realise that messes with what you've written so far but thems the breaks.
2350209
Well, I planned a twist ending that changes EVERYTHING! And makes wind look like an idiot! But, he won't be. Gary Stu anymore. He will be demoted to nothing!
2350273
I get it, you're just trolling now.
You have fun with that and let me know how it works out for you.
I'm sorry but I can't find anything good to say about this, and I can usually find something good in any story (Again, sorry but I just can't)
2350537
What about the cover pic? Is THAT any good?
Hey, look on the bright side! This got popular cause of all the hate!
2351878
Eeyup!
IT WASN'T MY FAULT. I SWEAR!
2347460The randomness, it burns! Find an antagonist, or some sort of conflict! If he's the Element Of Time, do something element related!
2356152
Oh, don't worry, I planned a villain. (Cryst- oh crap! Can't spoil it!)
2357895Didn't even spell it right. Shameful. It's Chrys- Wait, I can't spoil it either!
2357895
Not Chrysalis.
2368753
Not Chrysalis.
Okay, I don't think you understand why everyone says your character is a Gary Stu. It's nit because he is the sevnth element or because Twilight likes him; it's for two reasons; one, he knows waaay too much, and two, everyone likes him for no reason.
To show examples(Going in backwards order since my computer is being stupid)....
2. Everyone likes him for no reason
He shows up and Babs is instantly his best friend. First of all, why is Babs in Ponyvile and nit with the CMC? And why does she say "You came?" Why on Earth does she know everything? Second, Twilight falls in love with him for absolutely no reason. And back in MLP forums, yiu said they were going to break up. You think that you're fixing everything by doing that, but you just made everything a lot worse. Relationships take time to form and break. And Rainbow Dash just becomes instant best friends with him a swell...which totslly goes against her personality. (While we're on the subject, a new flyer shouldn't be able to keep up with Rainbow Dash.) Dashie would be really spooked and cautious around a random stranger longer than anyone else. This also brings me back to (sorry, really off topic now, but there are a lot of things that need to be fixed.) How you take away the characters' personality. Fluttershy is awfully forward, and Rairty says "no crap." How very unladylike of her. So, just thin about the personalities of the different characters insttead of shaping their personalities aroubd making your character look good.
1. He knows too much
Luna: "So you're the seventh element of harmony?"
Windwaker; "Eeyup"
When I read this, I literally said to my computer, "I don't even." First, the element of time really doesn' t fit in qith the other elements. I mean, I know magic is one of the
elements, but that's the spark it took to make the other 5 work. Time isn't exactly a friendshi thing. But anyways, Windwaker, even if he is a brony, shouldn't know he's the 7th element. And Luna shouldn't straight up ask him. She should gasp, mutter. "It's him..." and fetch Celestia. Remember how long it.took for Twilight to realize the elements of harmony were her friends? Windwaker should have to go through some adventurous journey to figure out who he is. He shouldn't just KNOW
2373190
Calm down! It's ok.
One: I HAVE SEEN YOU BEFORE!
Two: I won't make Twilight break up with Wind. They are just so adorable!
Three: He knows too much? Well, I haven't watched ALL the episodes, so I wouldn't know who Owlicious and Tank are, plus Zecora.
>>TheaterCritic
Did you even read my comment? Knowing you, you probably read the first sentence and then said "meh, "hate comment.""
He knows to much because he just magically knowsthat he's the seventh element!
And, if you want to continue this story while fixing it, my word of advice is to start over. You can't progressively fix things in new chaters, and seeong how many tips you've gotten, I'd say just burn it down and then build it back up. It'll take some time and effort, but it will work out better in the long run.
And I can't judge if Wind and Twilight are a good couple, becauseI know absolutely nothing about Wind, and their relationship formed in 2 seconds. Again; start over, back to the drawing board, get rid of their relationship, and rebuild the story. Just because you want Twilight to be with you (because, let's face it, the reason Wind is so perfect is because he's a mirror image of you, so it's your hypothetical life) doesn't mean you convince the readers and write it well enough to make us believe that they're a good couple.
2310492
He's probably right with the yours, judging by the kind of grammar people seem to use on YouTube. At least, the second one is alright.
2340860
I think that has all changed now.
And, yes, this story is back.
Yeah, flying on par with somebody that trains almost everyday on your first flight...that's some amazing natural talent for flying coming from a human.