Chapter 2: the meeting
I entered the giant throne room. Guards were everywhere. I thought I couldn't get private time with Celestia, but as soon as I entered Celestia told the guards to go. They left.
"You must be the element of Time." Celestia said.
"Eeyup." I said.
"Has Babs Seed told you anything about ponyville?"
"No. I know enough."
"Lets find out." Celestia had an evil looking grin. "Who are the elements of harmony and what do they represent.
"Rainbow dash with loyalty. Fluttershy with kindness. Applejack with honesty. Rarity with generosity. Pinkie pie with laughter. Twilight Sparkle with Magic. And me, WindWaker, with Time."
"You know well." Luna said. "How do you know this stuff if babs didn't tell you this?"
I thought about it for a minute. If I told them this was just a fiction show made by Hasbro, paradoxes would occur. I had to lie, but I did have one true reason.
"I have been here before in dreams with Babs seed." I finally said.
"Well, that's interesting." Celestia said.
"Would you like to see the Elements of harmony?" Luna said. "Well, particularly your element."
"I guess so." I nodded.
"They are in Twilight Sparkle's house. You can go there and find her and she will give you the Elements of Harmony, well, the Element of Time. Do you know how to get there? Do you know what her house looks like?" Luna said
"Yes." I said.
"Very good. Dismissed." Celestia said.
I walked out of there. Babs waiting for me.
"How did it go?" She asked.
"Pretty good." I replied
"You know, I don't have a problem with Celestia or Luna." Babs said. "I've met them several times. Anyway, I didn't know this would happen. You getting the seventh element and all."
"Yeah. We are here." I said. We saw a giant tree with windows and a door.
"I think this is up to you. I need to see apple bloom.' Babs said. She hugged me and left. I knocked the door.
"The doors open." A female voice said.
"Oh, boy, is it the element of time, Twilight?" A male voice said. Spike.
"Yes, spike, it is." I said as I opened the door.
"And he knows our name, twilight!" The baby dragon said. "I'm spike. You already know that." He held his hand to me.
"Windwaker." I said. I shook his hand.
Then, I saw her. One of the most beautiful mares I've seen in equestria.
Twilight sparkle
Do I sense a OC Sparkle ship?
2308997
Is that good or bad?
...Que?
Where did this come from? We start with some of the worst pacing I've seen in a long while and then we somehow end up in the bloody Canterlot palace/castle?
Then Luna is constantly crossing between your average 12 year old and a confused Shakespearian actor.
"When will thou arrive?" Luna shouted in impatience. They already created a portal to another world, a difficult task to do. Use a comma insteand of a full stop before "they" also "They" should be "They'd or They had."
"You know well." Luna said. "How do you know this stuff if babs didn't tell you this?" Babs should have a capital letter it's a name.
And then "Luna shouted in impatience"....wait backtrack....this should be "Luna shouted impatiently"
Chapter 3....well that's just fucking horrible, I don't even know how this would work...I mean....how the hell do you not notice you're still a human, I mean just prior to that you say "We shake hooves and hands," it's like...no.
THEN the characters themselves, there are two problems with the very first Rarity says, one, she says "No crap," I mean since when did she ever speak like that and more to the point when she's talking to Fluttershy? Two, you've used your punctuation like an ass-hat.
"Well, no crap,Fluttershy!" The white unicorn said.
The commas, I can remove the words in the commas and the sentence will still make sense, does it? "Well, Fluttershy!" Hell no it doesn't, the you've used an exclamation mark which is used to convey a strong action or emotion but then you've just put "The white unicorn said." if you wanted this to make sense it'd be more like....you wouldn't use those words at all.
AND THEN, we have the problem that no single character acts like they would, nobody is suspicious of the newcomer, at all, it wouldn't matter if somebody you knew introduced somebody new to you, you'd still be a little more wary.
And then there's the length of each chapter, this comment is over 300 words long, that's a third of your longest chapter and on par with your first.
I recoiled physically.
Jesus.
Ironic, considering how bad your pacing is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tMhkQ520Sk this my reaction to the end of this chapter