Third's a Charm

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Roarin Thunder

Roarin Thunder #1 · Mar 9th, 2013 · 1 · ·

An Alicorn and No Spacing.

Thorlol

Thorlol #2 · Mar 9th, 2013 · 3 · ·

Frick on a popsicle stick, slowwwwwwwwwww ddddddooooooooowwwwwnnnnnnnn.

Good smut (I refuse to call it romance) is usually five thousand words...
And there's so much possibility that you could expand with this.

Prince Thunderhooves, (a old best friend of Luna's) Is back in canterlot. He isn't exactly royal YOU JUST SAID HE WAS A GODDAMN PRINCE!, but he is a alicorn! And that little detail, allows those two to be together. Or at least, If that's what they want. After Luna convinces Thunder to stay, things get a little, romantic between the two!

See the bold stuff? That could be a chapter in on itself. It's hardly romance when they just meet and fuck.

And does it have to be an Alicorn? Really? Really? Mostly everyone hates Alicorn OCs. And then you don't even do anything special, you could replace it with an Earth Pony and pretty much nothing would change. Wings and horns man, the smut possibilities are endless. Wing preening, magic smexytimes, if you make it a fricken Alicorn make use of it. Don't just make some shitty mechanical sex.

It was a beautiful morning as black winds Black winds? What? spread and let the wind ruffle their feathers. And those wings have belonged to me, Prince Thunder, never liked the other part of my name. You could just call me, Thunder, nice and simple. I had a black coat, but my hooves, horn, wing's tips, and muzzle were all golden. My eyes, a surprisingly blue, baby blue. I lifted to the sky and then made my way towards the canter-lot Canterlot, with the capital. It's the name of a place. castle. I lowered to the ground as soon I was there and the guards quickly left me pass.
And suddenly, a wild point of view change appears.
Luna ran to her window whenever she heard the cluck of hooves, " THUNDER! " She cried out towards him happily and ran down to him, the two hugged. Before the two went inside. Combine the two sentences.
" How are you? " Asked the stallion.
" Fine. "
" That's good. "
" Yeah, how are you? "
" Fine, thank you. "
" Your welcome. " Luna said and then another question popped into her head and she blushed before asking. " Did you ever find a mare? "
Thunder shook his head sadly. " No, what about you? Find a great stallion? Do I need to beat his ass? "
He said jokingly. The two laughed before Luna shook her raven head.
"Nope." Hope rang through Thunder, but for now he kept quiet. " Shame, really. "

That is how you're supposed to do dialogue.

And another thing. You haven't really described that much of the story. It's mostly dialogue with a few bits of detail woven in. It should be the opposite.

You do not know how to write dialogue, do you?

The above example is how the first section should be.

The mares laughed at the two's harmony groans and moans, and the stallions all quietly congratulated them stallion with grins and bobbing heads

And the butchery of the English Language is nearly complete.

The raven mare

Is she still Nightmare Moon?

his Hanging Pleasure.

What's next? Myrish Swamp? Stop pulling a GRRM with your sex terms... it's ok to call it by its proper term.

Recommendations: Expand the concept, get rid of the Alicorn factor, or at least the confusing 'Prince but not royalty' part. You either make him royalty (Don't do it, please don't) or get rid of the prince part.
Get a spell checker, now. And a proof reader.
Read a book.
Make your sex scenes longer.

Toodaloo.
Thorlol: The Angry Scarfer

OminousBrony