A Not So Magical Mystery Cure

by OfficialPinkaMenaX

1: I know how to fix the spell!

“...from a true~ true~ friend~~!” the chorus held as the song came to a close.

Ponies sure have a knack at flash mobs, I should research that sometime, Twilight thought, as she and her friends embraced in a hug.

A mark of one’s destiny singled out alone fulfilled.

“Wait a second... That’s it!” exclaimed Twilight, “I understand now, I know how to fix the spell!”

Twilight and her friends rushed to the library in excitement. Twilight burst through the door. She grabbed Starswirl's journal and a quill with her magic and began to correct the spell.

“From all of us together, together we are friends, with the marks of our destinies made one, there is magic without end,” Twilight recited out loud as she wrote it down, finishing the sentence off with a mighty period.

They all put on their appropriate Elements and Twilight focused on her magic, casting the spell she had corrected.

The Element of Magic released a burst of magic between the other Elements and then the other Elements fired a rainbow of colors at the startled Twilight. As she was enveloped by the light she realized this must be part of the spell. She calmed and waited for its to end.

The light grew in luminosity until it was shining out of the library windows, then it stopped as quickly as it had begun.

Rarity was the first to take a peek, followed by Fluttershy and the others.

“What happened?” asked Fluttershy in a concerned voice.

Pinkie screamed, fear spreading across her face.

They all began to search the library frantically as the only thing remaining of their friend was a burnt spot on the library floor with a small trail of smoke rising from it.

=====================================================================

“What in tarnation happened to her?” asked Applejack, looking dumbfoundedly at her friends.

“She’s gone,” stated Fluttershy glancing to the burn mark on the floor.

“Well we can see that!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash in Fluttershy's direction. Scared by the outburst from her friend Fluttershy tried her best to hide in her hair.

“Now calm down everypony. This is no time to lose our heads, Twilight could be hurt,” said Rarity trying to be calm and collected. Though everypony in the room could she was starting sweat.

“Agreed,” they said in unison. Everypony took deep breaths and tried to calm down as much as they could considering the fact that their friend had been replaced by a burnt pile of ash.

“Now then, since this is a magic problem, let’s look at this the way Twilight would,” said Rarity, “Spike take a letter...”

Spike grabbed a piece of parchment and a wet quill.

“Dear Princess Celestia, Twilight corrected the situation created by the spell you sent to her and discovered the proper way to cast the spell, but when she cast it she disappeared and since you sent it we hoped you could help us. Please come as quick as possible.
Your generous subject, Rarity.”

Spike wrote down the note as quickly and legibly as possible, finishing he looked up at the group.

“What are you waiting around for? Send the letter already!” said Rainbow Dash as she threw her hooves in the air.

The letter disappeared in a wisp of green smoke and flew out the window. They all stood there waiting for a reply from Celestia. Spike looked around and was about to speak when... BURP! A small letter materialized and fell to the floor. Pinkie quickly grabbed it up, unrolled it, and started reading.

“What does it say?” asked Fluttershy in a near whisper.
They walked over when Pinkie’s hair deflated as if popped by a sharp needle. They came around and faced the letter, all it said was six words...

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry...”

They all stared in silence at the note unblinking as if at some moment the words might change or something new might make itself clear. Seconds seem to stretch in minutes and hours as they stared at the note. Applejack was the first to break out of the trance.

“What the hay is that supposed to mean?” questioned Applejack as her worries began to rise again.

“How am I supposed to know?” said Rainbow Dash trying to act calm and tough.

“You don’t think we...” began Fluttershy as a grim look crossed her face.

“No. No. Don’t be absurd,” Rarity’s expression changing to pure horror at the thought, “Celestia would never put Twilight or us in danger like that without us knowing,” shouted Rarity as sweat ran down her head. “I’m mean she wouldn’t let that happen right? RIGHT!?” Rarity screamed losing her cool, turning round and round to face everypony.

Everypony else in the room focused on Rarity occasionally stealing a glance to the burn mark on the floor of the library. Everypony looked away when they heard a small sniffle from the corner of the library. They turned to see Spike standing near the stairs with tears in his eyes.

“Ohh Spikey Wikey it’s okay Twilight is fine you’ll see...” said Rarity as gently as possible walking toward the little purple dragon.

Spike broke into full tears. Rarity quickly ran the rest of the way over, embracing Spike in a warm hug. He hugged back as Rarity stroked the back of his head while whispering how it would all be fine, it would all be fine. Fear in him continued to rise as those words caused him recall the Want It, Need It incident. He felt like throwing up from the nervousness and fear.

The other ponies also came and joined Spike in a hug. For a split of a split second they all felt like it might really be all fine, that maybe they were just jumping to the worst conclusions. Though all good things, no matter how nice, have to end as several knocks came from the door.

Rainbow Dash flew over to open the door, on the other side stood Celestia and Luna with sad looks on their faces. Their hearts dropped as the princesses quietly entered the library. The ponies approached them and Rainbow rejoined her friends as the group gathered around the two princesses.

Luna reached out a hoof as if about to speak, but was stopped by Celestia. The tension was so thick in the room that Pinkie Pie could have cut it with scissors. Celestia put on the most unemotional face they had ever seen.

“My little ponies... Twilight is...,” Celestia paused her face broke and tears began to stream from her eyes, the other ponies feeling as if they couldn’t breathe, the room was dead silent and nopony took a breath as Celestia finished her words. “Twilight is dead...”

Author's Note:

Edited(7/14/2015) Spelling and grammar corrections

Comments

[Albi]

Dammit, I was thinking about writing a story like this!
I will watch and see where this goes...

[Luminary]

Wanting to avoid working a bit longer, and a story that has no humans or OCs in it? Sold! Here we go.
Grammar isn't exactly my strong suit, but I feel the need to point out a few things, because it's a big, obvious problem.

“...from a true~ true~ friend~~!” the chorus held as the best song of the day came to close.

Probably shouldn't use ~, but whatever. Who thinks it's the best song? Twilight? If it's your opinion, don't include it. Or it seems really, really weird. Also, 'came to a close.'

burst-mobs

Flash mobs?

*Ponies sure have a knack at burst-mobs. I should research that sometime.*

Twilight thought as she and her friends embraced in a hug.

No need to start a new paragraph. Or use asterisks, really. Format it like this:

Ponies sure have a knack for flash mobs. I should research that sometime, Twilight thought, as she and her friends embraced.

You usually don't capitalize after ellipses, I believe.

Twilight bursts through the door grabbing the book and a quill with her magic.

Tell us that it's Starswirl's journal/spellbook. It's best not to assume everyone remembers the episode.

Twilight recited as wrote it down.

As she wrote it down.

With a flash, the element of magic ignited, creating a very noticeable gust of wind. It quickly faded as the other elements ignited, firing a their rainbow of colors at the surprised Twilight. Realizing this must be part of the spell, she calmed and waited for its effects to end.

Conversely, you could say something like 'As it did, it created a very...'. The wind sentence... well... wasn't a sentence. Use another word rather than repeating 'ignited'. It's a very strong, noticeable word, and it's obvious if you repeat those.

The next paragraph is all sentence fragments. Expand or merge them. Don't get me wrong, I like fragments too, but they have a specific use.

Also, no real need for more than one exclamation mark when Pinkie screams. (Actually, you really don't need the AHHH!(!!).) You tell us she screamed right after.

When you say they 'freaked out', you're better off showing us how they did so, rather than just stating it in sweeping terms. But... I'm not going to go into a whole thing on Show vs Tell here.

I don't even think that's half, so I'll leave off there, else I'll be here for an hour.

As the most important, most immediate thing: You need to go and spend a bit of time reading this over. Remember that if you want others to take your work seriously, and I think you do, then you need to take it seriously yourself. That means giving it a pass or two under a critical eye before releasing it for public consumption.

You'll probably also want to look up some information on comma use. The 'net is filled with it, and Google is your friend. You essentially just don't use them. Heck, take a best guess at it, if you can't be bothered. Incorrect use is probably better than non-use.

Also, present tense is... not usually preferred. It's not to say you can't use it, it's just that you probably shouldn't, if there isn't a specific reason for you to do so. It makes so many things sound far more awkward and artificial than they could be.

I do like that you're out to tackle emotional, serious pieces, right out the gate. Ambition is good! It'll serve you very well indeed.

Clearly you do think about character reactions and emotion in a scene, which puts you ahead a great number of new authors. However, you might want to put an eye toward describing reactions and body language and such, rather than just telling us that people are nervous, or panicking, or that they're trying to act tough. You'd be surprised how huge a difference that makes.

Expending a bit of effort in a few small places like that will net you huge, noticeable improvements that you'll be able to feel justifiably proud of. You're on the right track, you just need to put some polish on things.

Edit: Also, a tip that will probably help. Read your work. Out loud. It sounds trite, but honestly, it'll let you catch 90% of all errors and weirdness. If something sounds awkward as you do that, it probably is, and it'll let you fix it.

[weeping_pegasi82]

mixed feelings about this one... liked and faved out of curiosity

[Periphery]

When I first looked at the cover picture, I thought Twilight was sitting in a giant toilet. Then I looked at the lower half and felt guilty for joking about kind of a sad picture.

As for the actual story, well, it's definitely an interesting idea, but the execution so far could use a little work. It's not terrible, and Luminary already hit a lot of it, so I'm not going to delve into detail. The one thing I'll add is that you're making Rainbow Dash a little too aggressive. She spoke three times, and all three were rather hostile. A little work and this could be a pretty interesting story.

[NocturneD85]

going to watch this one.

[schpeelah]

Tracking, but right now not impressed. The idea is too basic and obvious, hopefully it later it won't be just another sadfic where on of Mane 6 dies and the rest deals with it, we have dozens of those.

[OfficialPinkaMenaX]

2216330 Thank you I need all the help I can get. Ill make sure to read Ezn's Guide more thoroughly. Although this has already done better then I thought it would. I try and correct the mistakes you recommened and update it. Though not till after school. Ohh and burst mobs are supposed to flash mobs but I think I'll change that.

[i_am_the_jam]

Well, you're more or less off to a nice start.

For a moment, I thought you were going to base your story on this pic: http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/060/f/f/twilight_cheats_at_magical_mystery_cure_by_kturtle-d5wn2aj.jpgfc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/060/f/f/twilight_cheats_at_magical_mystery_cure_by_kturtle-d5wn2aj.jpg

[SuperPinkBrony12]

“Twilight is dead...”

Way to be subtle there Celestia.

[Flutterfan30]

Im not very god wih improvement help but this i love and it was so sad.....

[schpeelah]

So, it's marked incomplete. Will the story further on take inspiration from the picture and have Twilight trapped in Happy Matrix?

[OfficialPinkaMenaX]

2219058 Yes it will continue to use a couple more elements from the comic.

[Alexander-Crossover]

I normally avoid sad stuff like this, but I loved the image and the finale ticked me off so I want to see where this goes.

[Lelouch Vi Britania]

man, that cover art is awesome, and so is the story. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this one!

[OfficialPinkaMenaX]

2223750 thanks :)

[MaximumBurn117]

I like dis.

[LuminoZero]

Half a year gone by and you haven't fixed the broken bold tag? Come on.

-Lumino

[OfficialPinkaMenaX]

3412731 Okay never mind. XD Silly me. Fixed now.

[calinjc]

“My little ponies... Twilight is...,” Celestia paused her face broke and tears began to stream from her eyes, the other ponies feeling as if they couldn’t breathe, the room was dead silent and nopony took a breath as Celestia finished her words. “Twilight is dead...”