2172389 Oh good heavens no I just made a decision to not split up the first part because I felt that it was stronger together and the beginning was a little weaker without the second part.
Hm. Neat. I like the idea of a Lady Nightmare taking no shit. I'll watch it just for her badass factor. I'll also watch because this story is kind of AWESOME.
2175511 Thank you so much, I don't want to say too much but Lady Nightmare is definately going to be around longer than normal, and if your familiar with Panty and Stocking she is taking some of the tendencies of Lord Corset.
Haha this story deserves a comedy tag just for this part.
“Yippee! Let's get this party started,” Pinkie said as she gleefully pulled out a fully armed twelve-gauge combat shotgun and cocked it, making the ever so distinct chck-chck! of a shell being loaded into the barrel, and skipped with way to much mirth than anyone armed with a firearm should.
The other five jumped back at seeing Pinkie pull a gun from who knows where, “Uhhh-where did you get that?” Twilight asked, not sure she wanted to know the answer.
“Silly-Billy, I never leave home without a really big gun, sometimes a party can get out a control, and sometimes Auntie Pinkie needs to lay the smackdown,” said Pinkie, as if that somehow answered the question.
2182526 Thank you so much, I sort of wanted to put that tag on it, but I feel really self conscious about writing comedy it made my day to read that comment, If you liked that, wait till the "Feeling Pinkie Keen" chapter (I think it's chapter 4) it is going to be about Twilight trying to figure out how Pinkie can break the laws of physics
Hey hey, I'm here to give you my thoughts on the story you wrote. Let's get this bad boy started!
First, your title/synopsis: The title of your story confused me a bit at first, to be honest. I was trying to figure out who it was referring to. I think it's Twilight, but I'm not sure. She doesn't seem very impartial. It could also be a reference to the world that you're crossing MLP over with. If that is the case, disregard what I said, as I know nothing of Panty & Stocking.
The story description that you provided works well. It gives the reader a general overview and what they can expect from the story, as well as the tone. Not much else to say about it, to be honest. Good snyopsis is good.
Second, your grammar/spelling/formatting: Your formatting is, for the most part, spot on. You've split your paragraphs up, indented them, and gave new lines to new speakers when it comes to dialogue. I saw that you wrote that you were inexperienced when it came to posting stuff online. To be honest, not too long ago I was the same way. It will take a bit of time to work out the nuances of online posting, but you'll get there. One change to the formatting that I would suggest is to leave a line of space between each paragraph. It makes it easier on the eyes, and is something that most writers on this site utilize. I wouldn't say that it's mandatory, but it is definetely recommended. There is also a section of the story that I think needs a different formatting from the rest:
it seemed that Beasts had originated during the pre-Equestrian era, in the time that primordial spirits of Chaos like the demon Discord ravaged and twisted the land. They are powerful, and are not actually living breathing creatures, but supernatural entities that have taken physical form. They constantly leak excess ectoplasmic energy in the form of black will-o-wisps (That must be the orbs of black smoke Dash had talked about Twilight thought to herself). It is possible to destroy a Beast's physical form, however, this will only delay the inevitable, as in time the Beast's spirit will be able to reform its material body and return. There is however a means to permanently banish a Beast to Tartarus using the Elements of Harmony...
“Elements of Harmony?” Twilight said to herself.
The way that this reads makes it feel like Twilight is reading a book. It's almost exclusively in present tense, and is information that Twilight gathered through her research. As such, you could tweak the sentence leading up to this so that Twilight is reading a book, and format this with the bold tag to show that it's text.
Twilight ran a hand through her hair as she re-read the passage she had found in the book regarding beasts.
Beasts originated during the pre-Equestrian era, in the time that primordial spirits of Chaos like the demon Discord ravaged and twisted the land. They are powerful, and are not actually living breathing creatures, but supernatural entities that have taken physical form. They constantly leak excess ectoplasmic energy in the form of black will-o-wisps (That must be the orbs of black smoke Dash had talked about, Twilight thought to herself). It is possible to destroy a Beast's physical form, however, this will only delay the inevitable, as in time the Beast's spirit will be able to reform its material body and return. There is however a means to permanently banish a Beast to Tartarus using the Elements of Harmony...
It's just a suggestion, so take it with a grain of salt.
In regards to your spelling, nothing jumped out at me as being incorrectly spelled. I spotted a couple of run-on sentences that can be fixed up with a quick change of punctuation, as well as a few instances of missing punctuation, typically in your dialogue. There were also a few awkwardly-worded sentences, such as:
Her memories failed in telling her why or how she got here, but slowly she was regaining her renowned focus and mental acuity as her headache began to fade.
Personally, I think that the use of "renowned" here feels forced, as it's a character trait, rather than a description of what's going on. 'Her memories failed in telling her' also feels awkward. If I may, I have a suggestion:
Her memories were little more than a dull haze at the moment; She had no idea why she was there, or even how it occured. As her headache began to fade, her focus and mental acuity slowly returned to her.
I would also suggest moving the following paragraph about spike down a few paragraphs,so that it sits after the paragraph where Twilight screams. That way, her returning memories (and the subsequent realization that she comes to) are aligned with coming out of her daze. It will also put spike's first appearance together with the scroll that he burps up for Twilight.
Third, the story/characters: As I said before, I know nothing of the world that you're crossing over with MLP, so I can't really speak in regards to how well the crossover is done. You did say that no context would be needed to follow the storyline, so I'll give my opinions on the story as is.
The plot reads like the first episode of the first season, which works well in introducing the characters as you've written them. Your characterizations differ enough from the show that reading this chapter never felt like I was reading a carbon copy of the first episode. Even though I knew what was going to happen next, I was interested in seeing how it would happen. While most readers will stray away from what they feel are breaches of designated personalities, you never really stray from the set personalities of the canon characters, instead opting to add your own twist to them. Dash is still brash and in-your-face, Applejack is still hearty and honest to a fault, and so on. There's only one part that stuck out like a sore thumb to me; Celestia's scroll. While Twilights reaction to her situation is somewhat believable (the fact that she calls her mentor a bitch could just be her panicking) the scroll that Celestia sends to Twilight detailing her plans for her student just reads as very... Un-Celestia. It could work if if it were addressed again, but it's not. The next time that Celestia appears, she displays none of the traits that were evident in her letter. It just stuck out to me. I won't say anything about the killing (and the girls' reaction to it) because I get the feeling that's where the crossover shines through, so I'll leave it alone.
I would like to see you deepen the characters a bit in the coming chapters. While you've done a good job keeping the girls' character traits intact, they still read a bit one-dimensionally at the moment. I'd like to see some inner conflict and character growth in the coming chapters. The one character that I really think needs some love (even in this chapter) is Spike. There are some points in this story where you tell us how the characters are feeling, rather than showing us. Nowhere is this more evident than when you write Spike. Since, from the look of things, he can't speak, it's up to you to show us what he's thinking through other means. A creased brow, a wagging tail, a look of absolute adoration.. you have to show us what he's thinking through body language and facial expressions. I think that a non-verbal Spike can be very endearing, but only if you endear him to us.
In conclusion, I'll say that this was an interesting read, and I'm looking forward to more.
2183079 Great critique You have given me a lot to work on. It felt good to see that the parts I worked hardest on have paid off. Most of the feedback you gave me are things that I was very much aware of but couldn't figure out the best way to fix the problem. Most noticably Celestia: I wanted Celestia to be more antagonistic, but for that last part I also need to just wrap it up and get the exposition in there. I'm just calling that a personal oversight. I do definately get ahead of myself sometimes when I'm writing, so much so that I forget to make sure that it actually makes sense And I was a little confused by what you meant by the killing, If it's Lady Nightmare, she's definately not dead, if it's the Beasts, they were never alive in the first place, but like you said that's the crossover coming through so it didn't really matter.
Your suggestions are all really good and I will definately take them to heart.
2172389 I may have been too hasty in being able to determine my word count for the future entries... I have been hard at work on the next chapter and it's length is getting there and I haven't even gotten to the meat yet I have a very verbose method of story telling and the length of my stories will reflect this, but hopefully if I'm doing my job it should flow naturally and be entertaining enough that you actually want to read it all
> Equus City You need a better name than that. "Daten City" is a play on words -- it sounds like the Japanese word daten-shi, meaning "fallen angel". Perhaps something like Balu City or Bre Town (Baluchi and Breton are two breeds of horse). You could try some more Japanese wordplay, too; try entering some relevant words or phrases into Google Translate and see if anything could be spun around.
As an overall recommendation, tone down the number of descriptors you're using. Take the first paragraph, for example: it's is a single sentence with 13 descriptors, and it's distracting.
2183079 Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt is a very... odd anime.
Panty Anarchy: a fallen angel who turns her panties into a handgun. Occasionally she uses her sister's panties as well in order to dual-wield or to use as a spare when she's been disarmed. In one episode, she also started grabbing the undergarments of an entire high school, transforming them into various guns in quick succession. She intends to fk 1,000 men before returning to Heaven.
Stocking Anarchy: a fallen angel who turns her stockings into katanas. She's a goth with a sweet tooth, and is constantly snacking but never gaining weight (except in one episode, but that was due to the machinations of the monster-of-the-week).
Garterbelt: an immortal gay masochistic pedophile black priest with a gigantic afro, he's ostensibly in charge of the Anarchy sisters. Before being given immortality and getting punted back in time to the start of Man, he was a big-time drug dealer/gangster. The guy would faceroll in a mountain of coke bigger than your head.
Chuck: a dog (...ish), he's constantly abused physically by all cast members and the environment. The Anarchy sisters get their missions from God when Chuck is struck by lightning and coughs up a piece of toilet paper with one or two words on it. Chuck is apparently immune to all forms of damage (even going to far as getting stuck in a microwave, disintegrating, and reintegrating a-la Doctor Manhattan), he's covered in zippers, and has a tiny male demon in his head. He can speak like a Pokemon (repeatedly saying his own name).
The other major recurring characters are not much better when it comes to toeing the line of decency: the Demon Sisters Scanty and Kneesocks (direct foils to Panty and Stocking), Fastener (direct foil to Chuck, with a tiny female demon in his head), Corset the demon Mayor (foil to Garterbelt), and Brief (nerdy human sidekick).
The show has a lot of sex jokes and cursing. On the extras for the English DVD, one of the writers admitted to picking words from a list at random to come up with new foul-mouthed lines, rather than trying to do direct translations. Thus you get gems like "how's it goin', shit pickle?" and "fuck me with a chainsaw, that's hilarious!"
2238709 Thanks, I know all about PSG, hence the crossover fic I am just really, really crappy at wordplay I also need to do a much better job at making Celestia into Garterbelt, because later on, it will work perfectly for where I take the story
Also descriptor words are like cocaine for me
Now that you were kind enough to post a complete bio of PSG, I kinda had it the characters organized this way M6: Panty and Stocking Celestia: Garterbelt Nightmare Moon\Lady Nightmare: Lord Corset Spike:Chuck Trixie: Scanty and Kneesocks Beasts: Ghosts
The numbers are obviously off but I had devised ways to try and balance the roster (Cause six on one seems silly)
2254153 I know, I know, and I'm glad. Now that you have that there, anyone who isn't as familiar with PSG will be able to totally get it, so thank you from me I tried getting making names threads to see if anyone wanted to help me come up with better names but they flopped hard, so I'll just deal with the "meh" names, could be worse
Okay, this has to be the most KICK ASS STORY I"VE SEEN ON THIS SITE SO FAR!!!!!!! I've really enjoyed all the other ones I've seen, for the most part, but this one puts most of them to shame. Honestly! Definite fav, and I hope that you can write some more chapters! I know its like tenthousand words per chapter in this one, so it might take a while, but I'll wait!
You've made me so happy I was taking a quick writing break because I bought Tomb Raider, but you've just completely motivated me to throw myself back into this whole heartedly, I think your going to like the next chapters a whole bunch. Chapter 2: The Gilding The Girl's first beast since defeating Lady Nightmare has begun stalking the city, but is it the prey, or the predator?
I think I've done something to offend someone, because an Upvote changed to a downvote And I am literally days away from posting the next chapter! I'm just waiting for the pre-reader!!
This is a fantastic crossover and just from the beginning I got a PSG vibe from it. This is a story that I had been waiting for and it did not disappoint, hope to see more from this fantastic story. Lets just say that when I saw it was going to be a humanized fic I had some skepticism, but I realized that it was a PSG crossover and that is one of my favorite animes in terms of WTF-ness in a cartoon series ever. You had my curiosity, now you definitely have my attention. I was worried how you would deal with the elements of harmony, but you made it plausible for the story. Personally, I love this version of Celestia and her attitude with life.
Overall, one of the best beginning chapters of a crossover I've read in a very long while. 9/10 (fantastic job. Will continue reading and loving this tale.)
Well, this story is exceedingly well written, so I had to look hard to find anything to comment on.
her wrist.
Just a case of a missed "s".
He was still pretty young by dragon standards so he was only a foot and a half tall, he had a purple scaled body and a crooked spade tail with large green spines running down his head and back.
This feels somewhat superfluous to me, considering that most that would be reading this would know what spike looks like.
, throwing her fists
Should be in past tense. Also, I feel that the letter from Celestia should be in italics to make it contrast more.
Now you can't say I'm a heartless bitch now can you?
Remove one of the "now"'s.
a pair of suspenders drapped
Draped. You know what? I think you can spot the mistakes.
on its buckle was adorned
sometimes I just reacted and my powers go off
covered with all sorts of dishes of food,
"dishes of food" seems fairly redundant.
Jack walks over
out of this awkward social confrontation
well that certainly explains
That's the beginning of a sentence, just for reference.
where the hell your going you crazy psycho
names Dash
I don't know a couple of months I guess
Seems like there should be a pause in there somewhere.
Dash?
I don't really think that she would go straight to calling her Dash, considering they had just met.
"suuuure that sounds like a ton of fun.
Another word without a capital at the beginning.
“that's fine, it...it was noth-”
It was Twilight who last spoke (her sentence ended in a comma), so shouldn't the start of Rarity;s dialogue start with a capital?
boutique, Darling, you are
I don't think darling is a proper noun.
flinging the two in opposite direction.
“Spike”
her voice was high pitched and sounded about as sickeningly sweet as a pound of sugar,
Capital at the beginning and a full stop at the end.
that means your new
Oh she so happy
its mane and tale
besides your seriously thinking
shell being loaded into the barrel,
Shells are loaded into the chamber, not the barrel.
See what did Ah tell you?
Needs a comma.
a earsplitting roar
"an ear-splitting roar"
maddeningly* trying to knock off
*madly, maddeningly would be the act of being maddening/extremely annoying, thus it would not apply to the manticore/Beast.
Pinkie had her work cut out for her
Having one's work cut out for them would mean that the task was difficult.
What do we do know?
“just some wierdo who
teach me, me,
The second "me" should probably be italicised for emphasis.
standing was* the huge
*were
Twilight Sparkle,and I know
where your wrong
year's of competition's
Unnecessary apostrophes.
she let loose of the chain
in the back of here mind let her
Your finished Nightmare!
out of you league
only part of head that was visible
launching her several through the air
She is going to kill me here and now if I don't think of something
Thoughts should be italicised and in a separate paragraph.
she thought to herself
Who else would she be thinking to? It's unnecessary so say that she thought it to herself.
Lady Nightmare continue her approach
Without losing a beat
"missing a beat"
That's all I could find. As for the story, I think it's well done and I can't comment on any OOC-ness since it is an AU story. Though I was wondering why all of the cities still had horse related names, it seems a bit strange to me. I felt that the fight scene was well done and the build-up was well paced. So, even though it isn't my thing, well done.
Anyway, a lot of samey things on this, mimicking a lot of the show's pilot episodes on the case of MLP. Some of the humor feels a bit dry, but I did laugh at certain spots, still, I'm hoping that the other three chapters start getting dirty on their delivery, like Panty and Stocking does.
Still enjoyable, and I'll be reading the rest when I get enough sleep.
“ WHO-THE-HELL-DO-THINK-I-AM-SWORD-ATTACK!!” the fog parted ways, revealing a ghostly apparition slinking in the fog near Dash, “I’M-NEVER-GONNA-ABANDON-MY-FRIENDS-PUUUUNCH!!”
are all you chapters going to be this long
2172389
Oh good heavens no
I just made a decision to not split up the first part because I felt that it was stronger together and the beginning was a little weaker without the second part.
Hm. Neat. I like the idea of a Lady Nightmare taking no shit. I'll watch it just for her badass factor. I'll also watch because this story is kind of AWESOME.
2175511
Thank you so much, I don't want to say too much but Lady Nightmare is definately going to be around longer than normal, and if your familiar with Panty and Stocking she is taking some of the tendencies of Lord Corset.
Haha this story deserves a comedy tag just for this part.
2182526
Thank you so much, I sort of wanted to put that tag on it, but I feel really self conscious about writing comedy it made my day to read that comment,
If you liked that, wait till the "Feeling Pinkie Keen" chapter (I think it's chapter 4) it is going to be about Twilight trying to figure out how Pinkie can break the laws of physics
Hey hey, I'm here to give you my thoughts on the story you wrote. Let's get this bad boy started!
First, your title/synopsis: The title of your story confused me a bit at first, to be honest. I was trying to figure out who it was referring to. I think it's Twilight, but I'm not sure. She doesn't seem very impartial. It could also be a reference to the world that you're crossing MLP over with. If that is the case, disregard what I said, as I know nothing of Panty & Stocking.
The story description that you provided works well. It gives the reader a general overview and what they can expect from the story, as well as the tone. Not much else to say about it, to be honest. Good snyopsis is good.
Second, your grammar/spelling/formatting: Your formatting is, for the most part, spot on. You've split your paragraphs up, indented them, and gave new lines to new speakers when it comes to dialogue. I saw that you wrote that you were inexperienced when it came to posting stuff online. To be honest, not too long ago I was the same way. It will take a bit of time to work out the nuances of online posting, but you'll get there. One change to the formatting that I would suggest is to leave a line of space between each paragraph. It makes it easier on the eyes, and is something that most writers on this site utilize. I wouldn't say that it's mandatory, but it is definetely recommended. There is also a section of the story that I think needs a different formatting from the rest:
The way that this reads makes it feel like Twilight is reading a book. It's almost exclusively in present tense, and is information that Twilight gathered through her research. As such, you could tweak the sentence leading up to this so that Twilight is reading a book, and format this with the bold tag to show that it's text.
It's just a suggestion, so take it with a grain of salt.
In regards to your spelling, nothing jumped out at me as being incorrectly spelled. I spotted a couple of run-on sentences that can be fixed up with a quick change of punctuation, as well as a few instances of missing punctuation, typically in your dialogue. There were also a few awkwardly-worded sentences, such as:
Personally, I think that the use of "renowned" here feels forced, as it's a character trait, rather than a description of what's going on. 'Her memories failed in telling her' also feels awkward. If I may, I have a suggestion:
I would also suggest moving the following paragraph about spike down a few paragraphs,so that it sits after the paragraph where Twilight screams. That way, her returning memories (and the subsequent realization that she comes to) are aligned with coming out of her daze. It will also put spike's first appearance together with the scroll that he burps up for Twilight.
Third, the story/characters: As I said before, I know nothing of the world that you're crossing over with MLP, so I can't really speak in regards to how well the crossover is done. You did say that no context would be needed to follow the storyline, so I'll give my opinions on the story as is.
The plot reads like the first episode of the first season, which works well in introducing the characters as you've written them. Your characterizations differ enough from the show that reading this chapter never felt like I was reading a carbon copy of the first episode. Even though I knew what was going to happen next, I was interested in seeing how it would happen. While most readers will stray away from what they feel are breaches of designated personalities, you never really stray from the set personalities of the canon characters, instead opting to add your own twist to them. Dash is still brash and in-your-face, Applejack is still hearty and honest to a fault, and so on. There's only one part that stuck out like a sore thumb to me; Celestia's scroll. While Twilights reaction to her situation is somewhat believable (the fact that she calls her mentor a bitch could just be her panicking) the scroll that Celestia sends to Twilight detailing her plans for her student just reads as very... Un-Celestia. It could work if if it were addressed again, but it's not. The next time that Celestia appears, she displays none of the traits that were evident in her letter. It just stuck out to me. I won't say anything about the killing (and the girls' reaction to it) because I get the feeling that's where the crossover shines through, so I'll leave it alone.
I would like to see you deepen the characters a bit in the coming chapters. While you've done a good job keeping the girls' character traits intact, they still read a bit one-dimensionally at the moment. I'd like to see some inner conflict and character growth in the coming chapters. The one character that I really think needs some love (even in this chapter) is Spike. There are some points in this story where you tell us how the characters are feeling, rather than showing us. Nowhere is this more evident than when you write Spike. Since, from the look of things, he can't speak, it's up to you to show us what he's thinking through other means. A creased brow, a wagging tail, a look of absolute adoration.. you have to show us what he's thinking through body language and facial expressions. I think that a non-verbal Spike can be very endearing, but only if you endear him to us.
In conclusion, I'll say that this was an interesting read, and I'm looking forward to more.
I hope this helps. Cheers!
2183079
Great critique
You have given me a lot to work on. It felt good to see that the parts I worked hardest on have paid off.
Most of the feedback you gave me are things that I was very much aware of but couldn't figure out the best way to fix the problem. Most noticably Celestia: I wanted Celestia to be more antagonistic, but for that last part I also need to just wrap it up and get the exposition in there. I'm just calling that a personal oversight.
I do definately get ahead of myself sometimes when I'm writing, so much so that I forget to make sure that it actually makes sense
And I was a little confused by what you meant by the killing, If it's Lady Nightmare, she's definately not dead, if it's the Beasts, they were never alive in the first place, but like you said that's the crossover coming through so it didn't really matter.
Your suggestions are all really good and I will definately take them to heart.
2172389
I may have been too hasty in being able to determine my word count for the future entries...
I have been hard at work on the next chapter and it's length is getting there and I haven't even gotten to the meat yet
I have a very verbose method of story telling and the length of my stories will reflect this, but hopefully if I'm doing my job it should flow naturally and be entertaining enough that you actually want to read it all
> Equus City
You need a better name than that.
"Daten City" is a play on words -- it sounds like the Japanese word daten-shi, meaning "fallen angel". Perhaps something like Balu City or Bre Town (Baluchi and Breton are two breeds of horse). You could try some more Japanese wordplay, too; try entering some relevant words or phrases into Google Translate and see if anything could be spun around.
As an overall recommendation, tone down the number of descriptors you're using. Take the first paragraph, for example: it's is a single sentence with 13 descriptors, and it's distracting.
2183079
Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt is a very... odd anime.
Panty Anarchy: a fallen angel who turns her panties into a handgun. Occasionally she uses her sister's panties as well in order to dual-wield or to use as a spare when she's been disarmed. In one episode, she also started grabbing the undergarments of an entire high school, transforming them into various guns in quick succession. She intends to fk 1,000 men before returning to Heaven.
Stocking Anarchy: a fallen angel who turns her stockings into katanas. She's a goth with a sweet tooth, and is constantly snacking but never gaining weight (except in one episode, but that was due to the machinations of the monster-of-the-week).
Garterbelt: an immortal gay masochistic pedophile black priest with a gigantic afro, he's ostensibly in charge of the Anarchy sisters. Before being given immortality and getting punted back in time to the start of Man, he was a big-time drug dealer/gangster. The guy would faceroll in a mountain of coke bigger than your head.
Chuck: a dog (...ish), he's constantly abused physically by all cast members and the environment. The Anarchy sisters get their missions from God when Chuck is struck by lightning and coughs up a piece of toilet paper with one or two words on it. Chuck is apparently immune to all forms of damage (even going to far as getting stuck in a microwave, disintegrating, and reintegrating a-la Doctor Manhattan), he's covered in zippers, and has a tiny male demon in his head. He can speak like a Pokemon (repeatedly saying his own name).
The other major recurring characters are not much better when it comes to toeing the line of decency: the Demon Sisters Scanty and Kneesocks (direct foils to Panty and Stocking), Fastener (direct foil to Chuck, with a tiny female demon in his head), Corset the demon Mayor (foil to Garterbelt), and Brief (nerdy human sidekick).
The show has a lot of sex jokes and cursing. On the extras for the English DVD, one of the writers admitted to picking words from a list at random to come up with new foul-mouthed lines, rather than trying to do direct translations. Thus you get gems like "how's it goin', shit pickle?" and "fuck me with a chainsaw, that's hilarious!"
2238709
Thanks, I know all about PSG, hence the crossover fic
I am just really, really crappy at wordplay
I also need to do a much better job at making Celestia into Garterbelt, because later on, it will work perfectly for where I take the story
Also descriptor words are like cocaine for me
Now that you were kind enough to post a complete bio of PSG, I kinda had it the characters organized this way
M6: Panty and Stocking
Celestia: Garterbelt
Nightmare Moon\Lady Nightmare: Lord Corset
Spike:Chuck
Trixie: Scanty and Kneesocks
Beasts: Ghosts
The numbers are obviously off but I had devised ways to try and balance the roster (Cause six on one seems silly)
2249440
> Thanks, I know all about PSG, hence the crossover fic
I was trying to help Pick-Six, who was not familiar with the show
2254153
I know, I know, and I'm glad. Now that you have that there, anyone who isn't as familiar with PSG will be able to totally get it, so thank you from me
I tried getting making names threads to see if anyone wanted to help me come up with better names but they flopped hard, so I'll just deal with the "meh" names, could be worse
Okay, this has to be the most KICK ASS STORY I"VE SEEN ON THIS SITE SO FAR!!!!!!! I've really enjoyed all the other ones I've seen, for the most part, but this one puts most of them to shame. Honestly! Definite fav, and I hope that you can write some more chapters! I know its like tenthousand words per chapter in this one, so it might take a while, but I'll wait!
2266342
You've made me so happy
I was taking a quick writing break because I bought Tomb Raider, but you've just completely motivated me to throw myself back into this whole heartedly, I think your going to like the next chapters a whole bunch.
Chapter 2: The Gilding
The Girl's first beast since defeating Lady Nightmare has begun stalking the city, but is it the prey, or the predator?
2270216 The hunted and the hunter. Sometimes they're both! I assure you, Pinkie has the answer... I can hardly wait!!
Oh nooooooo, my first thumbs down my life is over!
I'm kidding I think I'll be fine, would like the perpetrator to tell me why, I love self improvement
Ha-cha
RETCONS HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I made more Trollestia
Okay, this story is a good "suck it!" story for anyone who wants to feel like a bad-ass. It is really long for one chapter, though.
2349154
And that was with me toning it down a wee bit,
I'm in it for the long haul
I think I've done something to offend someone, because an Upvote changed to a downvote
And I am literally days away from posting the next chapter! I'm just waiting for the pre-reader!!
This is a fantastic crossover and just from the beginning I got a PSG vibe from it. This is a story that I had been waiting for and it did not disappoint, hope to see more from this fantastic story. Lets just say that when I saw it was going to be a humanized fic I had some skepticism, but I realized that it was a PSG crossover and that is one of my favorite animes in terms of WTF-ness in a cartoon series ever. You had my curiosity, now you definitely have my attention. I was worried how you would deal with the elements of harmony, but you made it plausible for the story. Personally, I love this version of Celestia and her attitude with life.
Overall, one of the best beginning chapters of a crossover I've read in a very long while. 9/10 (fantastic job. Will continue reading and loving this tale.)
2602140
I love you bro...
Well, this story is exceedingly well written, so I had to look hard to find anything to comment on.
Just a case of a missed "s".
This feels somewhat superfluous to me, considering that most that would be reading this would know what spike looks like.
Should be in past tense. Also, I feel that the letter from Celestia should be in italics to make it contrast more.
Remove one of the "now"'s.
Draped. You know what? I think you can spot the mistakes.
"dishes of food" seems fairly redundant.
That's the beginning of a sentence, just for reference.
Seems like there should be a pause in there somewhere.
I don't really think that she would go straight to calling her Dash, considering they had just met.
Another word without a capital at the beginning.
It was Twilight who last spoke (her sentence ended in a comma), so shouldn't the start of Rarity;s dialogue start with a capital?
I don't think darling is a proper noun.
Capital at the beginning and a full stop at the end.
Shells are loaded into the chamber, not the barrel.
Needs a comma.
"an ear-splitting roar"
*madly, maddeningly would be the act of being maddening/extremely annoying, thus it would not apply to the manticore/Beast.
Having one's work cut out for them would mean that the task was difficult.
The second "me" should probably be italicised for emphasis.
*were
Unnecessary apostrophes.
Thoughts should be italicised and in a separate paragraph.
Who else would she be thinking to? It's unnecessary so say that she thought it to herself.
"missing a beat"
That's all I could find. As for the story, I think it's well done and I can't comment on any OOC-ness since it is an AU story. Though I was wondering why all of the cities still had horse related names, it seems a bit strange to me. I felt that the fight scene was well done and the build-up was well paced. So, even though it isn't my thing, well done.
Jesus, that was long...
Anyway, a lot of samey things on this, mimicking a lot of the show's pilot episodes on the case of MLP.
Some of the humor feels a bit dry, but I did laugh at certain spots, still, I'm hoping that the other three chapters start getting dirty on their delivery, like Panty and Stocking does.
Still enjoyable, and I'll be reading the rest when I get enough sleep.
That a Gurren Lagann reference?
2603917 love the story but two questions:
1. Who is garterbelt?
2. What are you gonna do about scanty & kneesocks?