Maggie PK
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are all you chapters going to be this long
2172389
Oh good heavens no
I just made a decision to not split up the first part because I felt that it was stronger together and the beginning was a little weaker without the second part.
Hm. Neat. I like the idea of a Lady Nightmare taking no shit. I'll watch it just for her badass factor. I'll also watch because this story is kind of AWESOME.
2175511
Thank you so much, I don't want to say too much but Lady Nightmare is definately going to be around longer than normal, and if your familiar with Panty and Stocking she is taking some of the tendencies of Lord Corset.
Haha this story deserves a comedy tag just for this part.
2182526
it made my day to read that comment,
Thank you so much, I sort of wanted to put that tag on it, but I feel really self conscious about writing comedy
If you liked that, wait till the "Feeling Pinkie Keen" chapter (I think it's chapter 4) it is going to be about Twilight trying to figure out how Pinkie can break the laws of physics
Hey hey, I'm here to give you my thoughts on the story you wrote. Let's get this bad boy started!
First, your title/synopsis: The title of your story confused me a bit at first, to be honest. I was trying to figure out who it was referring to. I think it's Twilight, but I'm not sure. She doesn't seem very impartial. It could also be a reference to the world that you're crossing MLP over with. If that is the case, disregard what I said, as I know nothing of Panty & Stocking.
The story description that you provided works well. It gives the reader a general overview and what they can expect from the story, as well as the tone. Not much else to say about it, to be honest. Good snyopsis is good.
Second, your grammar/spelling/formatting: Your formatting is, for the most part, spot on. You've split your paragraphs up, indented them, and gave new lines to new speakers when it comes to dialogue. I saw that you wrote that you were inexperienced when it came to posting stuff online. To be honest, not too long ago I was the same way. It will take a bit of time to work out the nuances of online posting, but you'll get there. One change to the formatting that I would suggest is to leave a line of space between each paragraph. It makes it easier on the eyes, and is something that most writers on this site utilize. I wouldn't say that it's mandatory, but it is definetely recommended. There is also a section of the story that I think needs a different formatting from the rest:
The way that this reads makes it feel like Twilight is reading a book. It's almost exclusively in present tense, and is information that Twilight gathered through her research. As such, you could tweak the sentence leading up to this so that Twilight is reading a book, and format this with the bold tag to show that it's text.
It's just a suggestion, so take it with a grain of salt.
In regards to your spelling, nothing jumped out at me as being incorrectly spelled. I spotted a couple of run-on sentences that can be fixed up with a quick change of punctuation, as well as a few instances of missing punctuation, typically in your dialogue. There were also a few awkwardly-worded sentences, such as:
Personally, I think that the use of "renowned" here feels forced, as it's a character trait, rather than a description of what's going on. 'Her memories failed in telling her' also feels awkward. If I may, I have a suggestion:
I would also suggest moving the following paragraph about spike down a few paragraphs,so that it sits after the paragraph where Twilight screams. That way, her returning memories (and the subsequent realization that she comes to) are aligned with coming out of her daze. It will also put spike's first appearance together with the scroll that he burps up for Twilight.
Third, the story/characters: As I said before, I know nothing of the world that you're crossing over with MLP, so I can't really speak in regards to how well the crossover is done. You did say that no context would be needed to follow the storyline, so I'll give my opinions on the story as is.
The plot reads like the first episode of the first season, which works well in introducing the characters as you've written them. Your characterizations differ enough from the show that reading this chapter never felt like I was reading a carbon copy of the first episode. Even though I knew what was going to happen next, I was interested in seeing how it would happen. While most readers will stray away from what they feel are breaches of designated personalities, you never really stray from the set personalities of the canon characters, instead opting to add your own twist to them. Dash is still brash and in-your-face, Applejack is still hearty and honest to a fault, and so on. There's only one part that stuck out like a sore thumb to me; Celestia's scroll. While Twilights reaction to her situation is somewhat believable (the fact that she calls her mentor a bitch could just be her panicking) the scroll that Celestia sends to Twilight detailing her plans for her student just reads as very... Un-Celestia. It could work if if it were addressed again, but it's not. The next time that Celestia appears, she displays none of the traits that were evident in her letter. It just stuck out to me. I won't say anything about the killing (and the girls' reaction to it) because I get the feeling that's where the crossover shines through, so I'll leave it alone.
I would like to see you deepen the characters a bit in the coming chapters. While you've done a good job keeping the girls' character traits intact, they still read a bit one-dimensionally at the moment. I'd like to see some inner conflict and character growth in the coming chapters. The one character that I really think needs some love (even in this chapter) is Spike. There are some points in this story where you tell us how the characters are feeling, rather than showing us. Nowhere is this more evident than when you write Spike. Since, from the look of things, he can't speak, it's up to you to show us what he's thinking through other means. A creased brow, a wagging tail, a look of absolute adoration.. you have to show us what he's thinking through body language and facial expressions. I think that a non-verbal Spike can be very endearing, but only if you endear him to us.
In conclusion, I'll say that this was an interesting read, and I'm looking forward to more.
I hope this helps. Cheers!
2183079
Great critique
You have given me a lot to work on. It felt good to see that the parts I worked hardest on have paid off.
Most of the feedback you gave me are things that I was very much aware of but couldn't figure out the best way to fix the problem. Most noticably Celestia: I wanted Celestia to be more antagonistic, but for that last part I also need to just wrap it up and get the exposition in there. I'm just calling that a personal oversight.
I do definately get ahead of myself sometimes when I'm writing, so much so that I forget to make sure that it actually makes sense
And I was a little confused by what you meant by the killing, If it's Lady Nightmare, she's definately not dead, if it's the Beasts, they were never alive in the first place, but like you said that's the crossover coming through so it didn't really matter.
Your suggestions are all really good and I will definately take them to heart.
2172389
I may have been too hasty in being able to determine my word count for the future entries...
I have been hard at work on the next chapter and it's length is getting there and I haven't even gotten to the meat yet
I have a very verbose method of story telling and the length of my stories will reflect this, but hopefully if I'm doing my job it should flow naturally and be entertaining enough that you actually want to read it all
> Equus City
You need a better name than that.
"Daten City" is a play on words -- it sounds like the Japanese word daten-shi, meaning "fallen angel". Perhaps something like Balu City or Bre Town (Baluchi and Breton are two breeds of horse). You could try some more Japanese wordplay, too; try entering some relevant words or phrases into Google Translate and see if anything could be spun around.
As an overall recommendation, tone down the number of descriptors you're using. Take the first paragraph, for example: it's is a single sentence with 13 descriptors, and it's distracting.
2183079
Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt is a very... odd anime.
Panty Anarchy: a fallen angel who turns her panties into a handgun. Occasionally she uses her sister's panties as well in order to dual-wield or to use as a spare when she's been disarmed. In one episode, she also started grabbing the undergarments of an entire high school, transforming them into various guns in quick succession. She intends to f
k 1,000 men before returning to Heaven.
Stocking Anarchy: a fallen angel who turns her stockings into katanas. She's a goth with a sweet tooth, and is constantly snacking but never gaining weight (except in one episode, but that was due to the machinations of the monster-of-the-week).
Garterbelt: an immortal gay masochistic pedophile black priest with a gigantic afro, he's ostensibly in charge of the Anarchy sisters. Before being given immortality and getting punted back in time to the start of Man, he was a big-time drug dealer/gangster. The guy would faceroll in a mountain of coke bigger than your head.
Chuck: a dog (...ish), he's constantly abused physically by all cast members and the environment. The Anarchy sisters get their missions from God when Chuck is struck by lightning and coughs up a piece of toilet paper with one or two words on it. Chuck is apparently immune to all forms of damage (even going to far as getting stuck in a microwave, disintegrating, and reintegrating a-la Doctor Manhattan), he's covered in zippers, and has a tiny male demon in his head. He can speak like a Pokemon (repeatedly saying his own name).
The other major recurring characters are not much better when it comes to toeing the line of decency: the Demon Sisters Scanty and Kneesocks (direct foils to Panty and Stocking), Fastener (direct foil to Chuck, with a tiny female demon in his head), Corset the demon Mayor (foil to Garterbelt), and Brief (nerdy human sidekick).
The show has a lot of sex jokes and cursing. On the extras for the English DVD, one of the writers admitted to picking words from a list at random to come up with new foul-mouthed lines, rather than trying to do direct translations. Thus you get gems like "how's it goin', shit pickle?" and "fuck me with a chainsaw, that's hilarious!"
2238709
Thanks, I know all about PSG, hence the crossover fic
I am just really, really crappy at wordplay
I also need to do a much better job at making Celestia into Garterbelt, because later on, it will work perfectly for where I take the story
Also descriptor words are like cocaine for me
Now that you were kind enough to post a complete bio of PSG, I kinda had it the characters organized this way
M6: Panty and Stocking
Celestia: Garterbelt
Nightmare Moon\Lady Nightmare: Lord Corset
Spike:Chuck
Trixie: Scanty and Kneesocks
Beasts: Ghosts
The numbers are obviously off but I had devised ways to try and balance the roster (Cause six on one seems silly)
2249440
> Thanks, I know all about PSG, hence the crossover fic
I was trying to help Pick-Six, who was not familiar with the show
2254153
I know, I know, and I'm glad. Now that you have that there, anyone who isn't as familiar with PSG will be able to totally get it, so thank you from me
I tried getting making names threads to see if anyone wanted to help me come up with better names but they flopped hard, so I'll just deal with the "meh" names, could be worse
Okay, this has to be the most KICK ASS STORY I"VE SEEN ON THIS SITE SO FAR!!!!!!! I've really enjoyed all the other ones I've seen, for the most part, but this one puts most of them to shame. Honestly! Definite fav, and I hope that you can write some more chapters! I know its like tenthousand words per chapter in this one, so it might take a while, but I'll wait!
2266342
You've made me so happy
I was taking a quick writing break because I bought Tomb Raider, but you've just completely motivated me to throw myself back into this whole heartedly, I think your going to like the next chapters a whole bunch.
Chapter 2: The Gilding
The Girl's first beast since defeating Lady Nightmare has begun stalking the city, but is it the prey, or the predator?
2270216 The hunted and the hunter. Sometimes they're both! I assure you, Pinkie has the answer... I can hardly wait!!
Oh nooooooo, my first thumbs down my life is over!
I'm kidding I think I'll be fine, would like the perpetrator to tell me why, I love self improvement
Ha-cha
RETCONS HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I made more Trollestia
Okay, this story is a good "suck it!" story for anyone who wants to feel like a bad-ass. It is really long for one chapter, though.
2349154
And that was with me toning it down a wee bit,
I'm in it for the long haul
I think I've done something to offend someone, because an Upvote changed to a downvote
And I am literally days away from posting the next chapter! I'm just waiting for the pre-reader!!
Probably get less views because this shows up on my feed but not my fav. list
not sure if that happened to anyone else?
2571854
Hell if I know, I'm just glad I finally could put something up.
My final blitz to graduate high school has made writing...difficult.
But hey guess what? Tons of free time now
This is a fantastic crossover and just from the beginning I got a PSG vibe from it. This is a story that I had been waiting for and it did not disappoint, hope to see more from this fantastic story. Lets just say that when I saw it was going to be a humanized fic I had some skepticism, but I realized that it was a PSG crossover and that is one of my favorite animes in terms of WTF-ness in a cartoon series ever. You had my curiosity, now you definitely have my attention. I was worried how you would deal with the elements of harmony, but you made it plausible for the story. Personally, I love this version of Celestia and her attitude with life.
Overall, one of the best beginning chapters of a crossover I've read in a very long while. 9/10 (fantastic job. Will continue reading and loving this tale.)
2602140
I love you bro...
my hope for this is that your going to do what the original source psg didn't and finish the story.
that still ticks me off that we got **** for season 2
2617861
I always say "Huge MLP and PSG fan, at least one of my shows got a second season"
All I can tell you is I'm trying to say true to the source material...
I don't know if that puts you at ease or not.
I hopefully won't leave it at a cliffhanger like in PSG But that's future-me's problem.
2634253 Why you no UPDATE! You have me tearing out my hairs here! When are we going to get more badass Dash? Produce more or off with YOUR HEAD. REVOLUTION!
2686639
Don't yell at me!!
I am not the speediest writer. Like I always say, I'm used to writing just for me, and I am not nearly as needy as all of you yahoos.
I've got an editor to help me work through this and everything
I promise, I'm going to get off the damn internet and start working right now!!
Also, you are into this enough that your shouting at me to do more? Squee
2686683 Sorry for yelling.
I get really antsy when I first meet a good, kickass story like this one, but they only have two chapters or something.
Then I wait forever for them to update. Not mad at you, just wanted to congradulate you.
I can just go...um...if you want me to...
2686709
I am actually kicking things into gear and starting to work much more heavily, I'd do more, but I have work (So unless you'd like to get up at 3 in the morning and do tough manual labor on a hog farm for me so I can write all day be my guest)
I really appreciate that you care so much, If I ever forget or get lazy, call me out and slap me in my bitch face. That should light a fire in my ass
2686729 BTW, where'd you get the cover art? It's simply marvelous! Oooooh, A keen eye for talent! Perfect, if I do say so myself. Oh, and thanks for the offer. I just don't favorite anyone, and you my dear, are one of the most greatest writers I've seen online.
If you don't mind, I'd like to know more about you, but that's only if you don't mind.
2686759
I drew it myself
Thank you so much!!!!
Once I get my scanner hooked up (When I get home) I'll scan all the individual artwork I have for the characters and Beasts
Well I've been writing and drawing for as long as I can remember. I love to tell stories, and I have plenty to tell, unfortunately not a lot of them were pony related so they can't come here
I decided I would challenge myself and write out of my comfort zone by doing a fanfic, and what better combination than my two favorite shows of all time, Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt, and MLP: FiM?
I kinda had it in my idea to do a reimagining after seeing this image
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/060/2/f/friendship_is_magic__bitch_by_theartrix-d3aji9q.jpg
That pretty much sold me on knowing that I could make this work, and here I am today!
2689151
Eyup, listen to this guy, he knows whats up,
he is also on the "Slap-me-in-my-bitch-face-for-being-lazy-or-tired" list. It's his job to make sure I'm still working to keep ya'll happy
3256653
assets.thecreatorsproject.com/blog_article_images/images/000/004/295/heman_slide_original.jpeg
AWWW YEAH
Okay, I just read the story description.
I like it, very interesting... however, I have no idea what "Panty & Stocking" is... so, I will be going in completely blind...
Let's see what happens...
3291896
There's a comment around here somewhere that explains the entire premise of the show, info can be found at this guy's comment 2238709
omegaforums.net/attachments/den-the-pirtate-jpg.5904/
3349759
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Pony_735c89_1968920.jpg
Well, this story is exceedingly well written, so I had to look hard to find anything to comment on.
Just a case of a missed "s".
This feels somewhat superfluous to me, considering that most that would be reading this would know what spike looks like.
Should be in past tense. Also, I feel that the letter from Celestia should be in italics to make it contrast more.
Remove one of the "now"'s.
Draped. You know what? I think you can spot the mistakes.
"dishes of food" seems fairly redundant.
That's the beginning of a sentence, just for reference.
Seems like there should be a pause in there somewhere.
I don't really think that she would go straight to calling her Dash, considering they had just met.
Another word without a capital at the beginning.
It was Twilight who last spoke (her sentence ended in a comma), so shouldn't the start of Rarity;s dialogue start with a capital?
I don't think darling is a proper noun.
Capital at the beginning and a full stop at the end.
Shells are loaded into the chamber, not the barrel.
Needs a comma.
"an ear-splitting roar"
*madly, maddeningly would be the act of being maddening/extremely annoying, thus it would not apply to the manticore/Beast.
Having one's work cut out for them would mean that the task was difficult.
The second "me" should probably be italicised for emphasis.
*were
Unnecessary apostrophes.
Thoughts should be italicised and in a separate paragraph.
Who else would she be thinking to? It's unnecessary so say that she thought it to herself.
"missing a beat"
That's all I could find. As for the story, I think it's well done and I can't comment on any OOC-ness since it is an AU story. Though I was wondering why all of the cities still had horse related names, it seems a bit strange to me. I felt that the fight scene was well done and the build-up was well paced. So, even though it isn't my thing, well done.
3388276
Thanks a ton,
my editor is gonna catch hell for this...
3388289
Heh, no problem, I'm glad I could help.
This is quite an impressive read. Clearly you were having fun while you writing this.
3525909
Heh, heh, fun, right. That's what it is.
Not a crippling urge to live up to the expectations and success I'm facing before a faceless and demanding anonymous audience.
We're all having fun here
Jesus, that was long...
Anyway, a lot of samey things on this, mimicking a lot of the show's pilot episodes on the case of MLP.
Some of the humor feels a bit dry, but I did laugh at certain spots, still, I'm hoping that the other three chapters start getting dirty on their delivery, like Panty and Stocking does.
Still enjoyable, and I'll be reading the rest when I get enough sleep.
3693087
I was apprehensive at first with the language. And comedy has never been my strong suite, but the one I'm having you edit is really starting to embrace the more mature side of PSG
Ah, so you WERE trying to get dirty after all.
Sorry it's taking me long, but I will catch up today and give the new one a look to see if i can fix anything.
Never been a fan of Doctor Who, but this was funny.
That a Gurren Lagann reference?
3737260
Hell yes it is!