Who can help?
Who can help?
Now that I fully realized the extent of my problem I had to figure out a solution. I had no personal experience dealing with portals to other worlds or dimensions or parallel universes or whatever was going on, so I needed to find someone who would know about this. Sure if I was dreaming this would have been no big deal, but since it was very clear that I wasn’t by the pain of currently slamming my head against a tree to wake up, who could say how long I would be stuck here? Weeks? Months?! YEARS!?! I didn’t have that kind of time on my hands to wait around. I was already behind my schedule to find a good college to go to. Yes... I planned out my whole life in advance. I estimated how long it would take to complete each step of becoming a game designer and how much time I had to waste given the average human lifespan.
Basically I calculated that I had very little time to goof off if my plans were to succeed. It was kinda funny how at every turn, something stupid like this would come along to slap me in the face. First it was the school bullies, then my ‘mystery illness’, after that I couldn’t come up with the funds to get enrolled in the college I wanted, and now this. It was stuff like that which made me disbelieve in the one they call ‘God’. I was always told that I had to have faith, but faith is the belief in something without any evidence to back it up. I was a believer in proof and scientific fact. If it couldn’t be proven in some way I wouldn’t care much about it. I was an atheist that took observations of the world around me and I constructed my own theories and beliefs about life. Although now all I needed to believe was that I was indeed in Equestria and had to find someone smart enough to figure out how to move through space and time.
“Space and time?”, I thought aloud. “The Doctor! Surely he can use the TARDIS to help!”
And just like that I was off... walking at a snails pace because it was all I knew how to do at the moment. Why couldn’t I have been in the body of a pegasus or something? I mean flying didn’t look too hard and Fluttershy was still right behind me. I could have used her to figure out how to fly in no time. I sighed knowing that I was still in a nearly useless body just like before. Sure it was nice that I wasn’t getting tired like I used to but if I couldn’t move at top speed what was the point of being healthy? I decided to scan the area for any ponies in a rush. I saw a lot of pegasi flying around quickly, but that didn’t help. It was a good thing I was a pretty patient person because it must have been at least twenty minutes until I spotted one. It was one I was pretty familiar with... Applejack. I quickly memorized her leg movements and tempo before she slowed down and stopped in front of me. Why was it that the mane six were just showing up like this?! I know they are the main characters of the show, but that doesn’t mean they instantly show up the moment you enter Ponyville, right? On the other hand Pinkie and Fluttershy were still by me, for some odd reason, so maybe she was just here for them.
“Howdy Pinkie! Hey Fluttershy!” She said tipping her hat to them as she said their names. ‘Knew it’, I thought to myself in a sing-song voice.
Applejack continued to tell my two ‘stalkers’ about some contest that she just won against Rainbow Dash... whoop dee doo. Then she noticed me.
“Well hey there! Ya new ta Ponyville? Ah don’t rightly believe we met. Name’s...”
“Applejack. Yes, I know.” I interrupted, confusing her greatly by knowing her name.
“Wait, ya know me? How in the name of Celestia...”
“I know far more than you would think. It’s better you not know how. I don’t intend on staying in this realm for long anyways.” I said, interrupting her again.
By the look on her face, it seemed as if she didn’t know what to make of me. I would have to make sure to be more discrete in the future. She then huddled up with Fluttershy and Pinkie. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but it was definitely about me, that much was certain. I went over how I believed each one saw me. Pinkie was probably saying I was funny and she liked me, since she wasn’t all that sane that couldn’t help my case. Fluttershy would obviously try to be nice as possible but based on how we met and how I spoke when I believed I was dreaming... that made two strikes for me being insane. Last up Applejack... she lifted her head from the huddle to look at me. I could tell what she was thinking by the expression on her face. I wasn’t going to just let them throw me into the mental ward so I ran as fast as I could. I wasn’t used to running on all fours, so I fell on my face a few times. I was used to pain from being in hospitals and going through surgery so many times which made it easy to get back up and continue my escape. I hadn’t run like this since getting sick and it felt nice to finally get moving beyond three miles per hour again. While I was making my way through a few alleys, I spotted him! The doctor was heading down one of the narrow roads and into what seemed to be the market. I couldn’t lose him so I tackled him.
“AH! HELP! I’M BEING ROBBED!”, he screamed. Strangely his voice didn’t sound close to British.
“Shut up! You aren’t being robbed! I need you to help. Where is the TARDIS?!” I asked in hopes that he would just snap to being the awesome British timelord I remembered.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about! What’s a... TARDIS?”
Oh please no. Tell me this is a joke. “ARE YOU THE DOCTOR?!” I yelled desperately.
“Doctor who?! I’m Time Turner!” I had to laugh at that. I mean, he actually said it! However, the joke lost its meaning rather quickly since this meant the guy in front of me was just a hourglass turning nobody who couldn’t help. Soon after getting off him and watching him run off, Fluttershy flew overhead.
“He’s over here!” She shouted.
Applejack came around and blocked off the path ahead of me. I looked behind myself to see exactly what I had expected... Pinkie was coming up the other way. I was surrounded.
“Hold on there partner... we’re just tryin’ ta help.” Applejack said in the same manner that she would to a savage injured dog, slowly getting closer to me at the same rate as Pinkie. They were trapping me like I was some sort of animal! They say there is a fine line between genius and insanity, but this was just wrong! It was time to break out my best weapon... ‘the death stare’. I called it this because it was a look that practically said, ‘I’m going to murder you!’. It was something I developed to let others know I wasn’t in the mood to be messed with. Whenever I found my time being wasted by the idiots at school a simple flash of this stare made them shut up and back off. At first it was just instinctive and only occurred when I was at my breaking point of anger, but over the years I learned to harness it. First thing I had to do was get into a stable stance and make sure my face was tilted about forty-five degrees down, keeping my eyes closed. I furrowed my brow but only a little. If I put too much force into it I would end up looking silly. Next I had to put a minute bit of torque on my upper lip to make it twitch slightly in a bestial manner. Now came the good part. I opened my eyes and looked up. Applejack froze in place.
‘And Bingo was his name-o’
I didn’t have long to take advantage of her like this so I dashed close to the wall and leapt through the open area by her. It was almost too easy as I headed for the crowded marked at the end of the ally, but just as I cleared the passage Pinkie grabbed me. It took me completely by surprise because I remembered seeing her right behind me moments before.
“I got him! Wow, you are a lot of fun! We should hang out after this!”
“I’d rather be lobotomized... not like I am going to have much of a choice in the matter” I growled. I didn’t hate Pinkie, but she had way too much energy for my tastes. My condition that plagued me came with a heart rate that was twice that of a normal person. I had to remain calm or suffer excruciating chest pain from my heart beating upwards to 240 beats per minute.
“Applejack, what is he talking about? What’s lob... lobobo... hey what was that big word you said?” She asked with pleading eyes.
I sighed in aggravation. “Lobotomized... it comes from the root word lobotomy. Lobotomy is a neurological procedure which consists of cutting the connections to and from the prefrontal cortex of the brain. In other words it breaks your brain and you can’t think anymore.”
“Oh... my. Th-that sounds... scary.” Fluttershy said, hiding partially behind Applejack.
“Ya got that right sugar cube. Who in Equestria would do such a nasty thing to somepony?” Applejack asked.
“Oh, doctors, psychologists, therapists. You know... the people you plan to send me to because you think I’m nuts?” I said, frightening Fluttershy even more. I needed to work on what I said around her.
“I don’t think you’re crazy! You sound a lot like Twilight now that I think about it...” Pinkie said while looking at me intensely, rubbing her chin in thought.
This got me to thinking. “Twilight... maybe she can fix this, or help at the very least.”
“Help with what?”, Fluttershy asked.
“You don’t need to know.” I said walking off.
The three followed me and asked me all kinds of questions as I roamed around. Ponyville was much MUCH larger than I had envisioned. The entire time I was being asked questions I felt like I needed to keep as much as I could a secret. I slipped up a few times and said more than I should have, but they still had no clue what it meant when I did know something oddly specific about them. I asked a few questions of my own on who they thought I was. As far as they could tell I was a unicorn that had some sort of mind reading power or something. I told them I couldn’t read minds because it was impossible, but they said they knew a few ponies who could read minds. I decided to let the debate slide, not because I was wrong but because I finally found the library and I had better things to do than prove my case. I went up to the door and knocked, it felt weird though considering my new hooves. It was like I was pounding a block of wood against the door. I couldn’t really feel it but I knew I was hitting the door. It was just something I would have to get used to for now. The door opened and right there in front of me stood the one I admired most out of the six... Twilight.
“Hello? Can I help you?” She asked with her head cocked to the side. I was speechless. I mean here she was, the one who resembled my personality most. There was so much I wanted to ask her and so much I wanted to say. For once I was at a loss for words. My brain just sort of shut off. That never happened to me. I was the one who was always thinking ahead, always observing, theorizing and planning. I was ALWAYS prepared for any question, but when she said ‘can I help you’ I had no idea anymore.
“Hello! Are you okay?!” She said waving her hoof in front of my face. I blinked a few times and after gathering my thoughts, I let myself in and started talking.
“Okay. My name is Jason. I am not from around here. I come from a place called Earth. I need to return there as soon as possible and you are the only one I can think of that might be able to help. I tried finding the Doctor, but when I did, he wasn’t him. I mean, he was him but not in the same sense as the him I wanted. In order to return from where I came from, I need you to make a portal that spans space and time. I’m not sure if this is in the same plane of existence as my world so we may need to find out exactly where my world resides. It may be in another dimension or universe. I’m betting on dimension though since this world appears to be somewhere in between the second and third dimension. Do you understand?” I asked, completing my long explanation.
She looked at me the same way Applejack did earlier. “Sorry, but you lost me at ‘okay’.”
I growled in frustration. “I... need you... to.... get... me... hooooome.” I said slowly like I was talking to someone from another country, moving my limbs around to emphasize and drew rough images in the air.
“Well there's no need to be rude about it... So where do you live again?”
I rolled my eyes. “Earth.”
“Where is that?” She asked with curiosity twinkling in her eyes.
“Hell if I know... I got here through some portal in my computer.”
“Computer?” She asked yet again. I groaned. This was going to take a while.
* * * * * *
It took three hours to explain everything to her. Earth, humans, technology... to her it was all alien concepts that went right over her head. I didn’t go into too much detail though. I just covered the basics, like how the sun and moon work, weather, electricity, or other things they had that differed in function. I didn’t dare tell her that she was from a cartoon. She said that the way everything worked in nature sounded like the Everfree Forest, to which I replied, ‘gee... imagine that.’. She didn’t grasp my sarcasm and said how amazing everything sounded. I told her nothing about myself other than how I was a human and my name was Jason, so she had no reason to pity me. Pity was something I hated. Just because I was crippled by my illness back on earth, people tried not to stare to keep from hurting my feelings, but if anything it made me feel invisible. Nobody would look my way on the rare occasion that I left the house and it made me mad that they would believe ignoring me was the best way to go. Not staring to be polite was one thing, but acting like the person doesn’t exist is something else entirely. I hated it, so I didn’t let her know about me to keep her attention. After we were done discussing things I went over what I wanted her to do again. I asked if she could help make a wormhole to another dimension, a space/time rift, a trans-dimensional gateway, anything to return me to where I came from.
“I’m sorry but I don’t know anything about any of those things. I never even heard of them before.”, she said.
If she didn’t know that only left one option. The same option I was forced with so many times before. “Fine... I’ll find my own way home. I’ll do everything myself! Like I always do...”
Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Applejack left shortly after I went to work finding books that might have had some of the information I needed. Twilight just stared at me in a way I wasn’t very familiar with. After placing another book on the table by the others that I had piled up I gave a quick glare, still angry that the smartest being here was going to be of no use in my quest.
“What?!” I snapped.
“I-I just wanted to know if you wanted any help...” She said softly, with a familiar crack in her voice that told me she was close to crying.
“No thanks. You are obviously not as intelligent as I thought. You don't have enough knowledge to be of any use.” I said, looking through the selection in one of the bookcases. What I said must have made her angry because the next thing I heard was ‘YOU’RE A JERK’, her quickly stomping up the stairs, and the slam a door. At least I would have some peace and quiet to read now.
* * * * * *
Five hours had passed... FIVE HOURS and still nothing useful! I was very good at skimming text to find what I needed, so I easily went through at least twenty books. A lot of them were textbooks that contained material I already knew. I was low on morale and getting a little hungry. I wandered around looking for the kitchen. The search didn’t take long. I went to the fridge and tried to open it, but I came across a problem that occurred when I was flipping through books. Having hooves meant no fingers. I couldn’t grasp the handle! I started pounding on the door. To my surprise it opened!
“Why don’t you just use magic?” a voice beside me asked.
I looked over and saw Twilight. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were puffy. It doesn’t take a genius to know what she was doing.
“One; I was human until like ten hours ago, get off my back. Two; I am used to having hands, not these useless stumps. And Three; magic doesn’t exist!”
She laughed. “How can you say that?! Of course it exists! You of all ponies should know that! You are a unicorn!”
I wasn’t in the mood to explain myself, so I stayed silent and pulled an apple from the fridge. It seemed that there was nothing but vegetables, apples, and hay inside. I couldn’t survive off that forever. I was a guy who enjoyed meat. Steak dripping in blood was by far the best. I was one of the few people I knew who could enjoy the flavor of blood. To me it was able to contain many different flavors. Sometimes it was sweet, other times it was a bit sour, and in a few cases it would be bitter. Normally it depended on what animal it came from. I took the apple carefully in my mouth back to the table. I bit down and it fell.
“Argh. I wish I could just have my hands back. This is ridiculous!” I said trying to hold the apple with both my hooves. Twilight laughed. Right as I was about to give up on it and just go hungry the apple started to float and made its way in front of my face.
“Here, I’ll help you.” She said smiling.
“I don’t need help...” I said stubbornly.
“Well it sure looks like you do so be quiet and let me help you!”
“Fine, if it will make you happy and shut you up!”, I said taking a bite. I was very hungry so it didn’t take long to finish it. I gripped the core in my teeth and held on waiting for Twilight to let go. When she did I got up and went to throw it in the trash.
“You are going to need a place to sleep for the night. I only have one bed so...” Twilight said, trailing off. I knew what she was getting at and I would not have any part of it.
“I am going to decline your offer.” I said going back towards the table, pushing the books off onto the floor.
“Then where are you going to sleep mister ‘I don’t need help’?” She asked smugly.
“Right here.” I said moving the last book into position. It was a few stacks of books that were three high, four long, and two wide.
“You’re going to sleep on that?! You are joking, right?” She said looking at me in disbelief.
“I’ve slept in worse conditions... I can sleep here.” laying down on my makeshift bed of books.
“Okay... If you say so.” Twilight replied. I closed my eyes and could hear her footsteps, or hoofsteps I guess. She went halfway up the stairs, paused for a few seconds, then went the rest of the way. Before I drifted off to sleep, I thought to myself, ‘was she really worried about me?’.
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He sounds like he knows ALL.
1939367 who? me?
1939367
I'd be surprised if he DIDN'T know so much. But there are things he didn't know: How to walk. How to run. How to use his hooves. How to use magic. lol
Take into account: He's a human. He's a Brony. He's probably seen every episode at least twice. Not that there's anything wrong with that
1939588
Another great chapter to another great story! I think it's been voted up so much because it's something that's not done very often. I, for one, haven't read a story of a Brony who actually didn't want to stay in Equestria. Well done, sir
1942160 That's what makes me unique. I have thought of what it would mean to be in Equestria and it doesn't sound too great to me. Other people just say how awesome it would be but only anti-bronies want to go back home. I am the exception to both worlds, I love the show, but I am not going to give up my life to stay there.
1943405
Lol that's the main reason I wouldn't like to stay. I have a life (which consists of sleeping 8 hours, hanging with friends 6 hours, and sitting in front of my computer the rest of the time XD) along with friends and family that I would miss. Another reason I wouldn't want to STAY (no saying there's anything wrong with taking a short trip there) is that's there's only so much of it I could stand. Maybe at most a month, but then I'd need a break, especially if Pinkie keeps following me.
1943665 amen to that... I would only be able to last about a week though. Overabundance of happiness makes me nauseous. That's why I could never stand to be near a cheerleader... I would lose my lunch just by being around that much joy. They just aren't natural.
1943702
I just made a connection: Energizer Bunny = Non-Brony's Pinkie Pie
I know the feeling, I've just gotten used to it since I seem to have the human embodiment of Pinkie Pie as a younger sister.
DOOD. STAHP BEIN A DIHK
"grant wishes of those who worshiped him"
OK, if a guy is gonna bash a religion he clearly knows nothing about, he's no better than the bullies who tormented him.