Please Rainbow
“Oh my gosh oh my gosh!”
Angel questionably watched Fluttershy nervously fly back in forth. He wondered why Fluttershy was so nervous.
“What happens if she doesn’t come? Or, what happens if a snow storm comes?!” Fluttershy kept asking herself those questions, which didn’t help her out. It made things worse.
Angel narrowed his eyes and knew she was just working herself up about nothing again. He was about to walk away ‘till Fluttershy suddenly picked him up and shook him rabidly. “What happens if she doesn’t MAKE IT?!” After she stopped shaking him, Angel’s eyes were aimlessly rolling around. It was pretty obvious to Fluttershy he was dizzy.
Angel then shook his head to make himself snap out of it. Fluttershy’s ears drooped. “You’re…okay right? Angel?” she smiled nervously.
Angel opened up his ebony black eyes and glared at her. He slapped her across her face. Fluttershy was shocked that her own pet did something like this! Even if she knew Angel was a cruel rabbit with an ironic name.
Angel took the opportunity and jumped out of Fluttershy’s grip and bounced on her face then quickly hopped away.
Fluttershy then adjusted herself, and looked down in sadness. “I wish Angel wasn’t so mean…”
Fluttershy sighed and gently landed onto the cold wooden tiles of her quiet little home. She started walking upstairs to her room, still pretty sad about what happened.
------
It was Christmas Eve, and the majority of ponies in Ponyville were snuggled up in their nice warm homes.
Some ponies were cuddling up with their loved ones under a nice cozy blanket,
Some parent ponies were watching their excited fillies jumping up and down in extreme excitement. They were very eager for Christmas!
Some ponies were having a early Christmas party with tons of other ponies, Lyra was hosting a pretty epic party and invited Pinkie Pie and Vinyl Scratch over to help make the party 20% cooler. Lyra was pretty upset how she offered Rainbow Dash to come over, but Rainbow Dash rejected… because Fluttershy invited her to come over to her place.
Meaning…
“Oh my gosh, she’s here!” Fluttershy exclaimed as she was running downstairs. She accidentally slipped over her nicely sewn scarf Rarity gave to her, and tumbled. She bumped her head on the last step then her body did a quick flip and she fell onto her back!
Fluttershy heard the doorbell rang again so she tried to shake off the pain. She stood up and walked over to open up the door. She slowly opened up the door and smiled at Rainbow Dash, with still pain filled in her dark teal eyes. “Oh, hello Rainbow. I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner, I was--” Rainbow put her hoof onto Flutter’s muzzle and said happily, “Oh that’s okay Fluttershy! Don’t worry about it.” She then took her hoof off of Flutter’s muzzle and entered into Fluttershy’s house.
Fluttershy shut the door and locked it.
“I’m sorry if it’s cold in here.”
Rainbow laughed. “It’s okay Fluttershy!” She giggled again. “Gosh you’re always worried about something aren’t you?” She then proceeded to look over at the decorated fireplace. Tiny little dark red and green socks were hung above the fireplace with little glittered names on them.
Rainbow knew the stockings were for Fluttershy’s pets, each stocking had a animal name on them with a small decoration hanging off of them. Each decoration was different and suited the animal. Rainbow didn’t recognized most of the names, and she felt pretty bad about it. She’s been friends with Fluttershy for a while now… she should remember her pets’ names at least.
She could only recognize Angel’s stocking, which had an small angel hanging off of the stocking. She looked down at the nice warm fire she got going on. It was very peaceful, and barely made any noise.
“I really like how you decorated the fireplace Flutter.” she said happily.
“Oh… thanks.” Fluttershy said blushing. “Do you,” Rainbow turned around to look at Fluttershy. “Give your animals gifts? Like we do with fillies?”
Fluttershy nodded happily. “Of course! Why wouldn’t I?”
Rainbow Dash blushed with an embarrassment. Stupid question to ask her, why else would there be stockings there?
Even though Rainbow was one of the most edgiest and bravest pony in Ponyville, she still was a little awkward and shy around Fluttershy. She’s so sweet, so gentle. So friendly and welcoming.
Very sensitive too though, one little wrong remark and she’ll be upset. Rainbow tries her best to make sure she doesn’t hurt her feelings.
----------
It’s been two hours since Rainbow stayed with Fluttershy. They had a great time having fun conversations, baking and eating treats (which Rainbow didn’t necessarily liked. I mean, she LOVED to eat the treats but baking them wasn’t her thing.) and doing all sorts of things.
They were both sitting together on the sofa. Rainbow on one end and Flutter at the other. They were both just chatting while staying close to the fire for warmth.
“I had trouble finding gifts for Twilight.” Fluttershy said looking over at Rainbow Dash. Rainbow was busy looking at the fire. She then noticed Fluttershy was staring at her so she embarrassedly turned her head to face her. “Oh, oh why?” she said still a little awkward.
“Smooth Dash smooth.” Rainbow Dash thought scolding herself.
“You know how she reads… a lot. She read so many books from so many different genres and series, it’s hard to keep up with what she read and what she hasn’t!” Fluttershy gazed at the fire. “So I got her a book that was about…”
She put her hoof under her chin and squinted her eyes. “…I actually forgot what it was about.”
Rainbow’s ears quickly perked up and her eyes dilated. “Oh my gosh, I’m so stupid!” she said. She quickly jumped up from her spot and her wings jolted up along with her sudden energy. “I can’t believe I FORGOT!”
Fluttershy looked at her all bright-eyed. “Forgot what Rainbow?”
Rainbow shook her head. “I’ll be back, I promise.”
As soon as she was racing towards the door Fluttershy shouted, “Wait Rainbow! You can’t leave!”
Rainbow looked at Fluttershy. “Why not? I promise, I’ll be really quick!” As soon as she opened the door she felt a sudden cold rush coming at her with snow all in her face.
Fluttershy’s ears drooped and she looked at the ground. “That’s…why.”
Rainbow seen how dark the sky was, and how awful and cold the snowstorm was.
“You can’t leave in this kind of weather Rainbow…”
Rainbow Dash smirked. “I’ll be fine Fluttershy.”
She quickly ran out of the house and soon let the wind carry her light blue body away. Fluttershy stood by the entrance and watched as her friend flew into the dangerous stormy sky. Fluttershy frowned. “Be careful Dash… and I hope you get whatever you forgot…”
------
Rainbow flew faster and faster into the cold night sky. “I can’t believe I forgot to get her the gift! How stupid can I be?!” The cold wind was blowing against her face which made her start to tear. She slightly closed her eyes as tears were swelling up. “I’m so stupid!” she shouted into the sky.
She was very frustrated with herself… and the weather that’s working against her. She felt her body shake as the cold gust rushes onto her. The cold air was so strong, it kind of pushed her back a bit which scared Rainbow… because she could easily surpass that kind of stuff.
Suddenly her right wing gave out. Her left wing quickly flapped rabidly to balance her. She looked over at her right wing and noticed it was developing frost. She gasped, and knew this wasn’t going to be good.
Her left wing was way too tired to carry her weight. The muscles were BURNING in pain. She continued to flap her left wing despite the burning pain. “Hold on wing…” she said to her wing.
Her left wing gave out and she started falling. She tried to flap her wings again but little response. One was basically frozen and the other was way too tired to do anything. She embraced herself.
I’m sorry Flutter…
--------
It’s been 20 minutes. And Fluttershy was getting worried. She started pacing back and forth.
“Oh my gosh oh my gosh!”
“What happens if she doesn’t come back? What happens if she’s freezing her tail off out there?!” Fluttershy kept asking herself those questions, which didn’t help her out. It made things worse.
Angel came out of the room when suddenly Fluttershy grabbed him and screamed into his face, “What happens if she’s dead?!”
Angel’s ears drooped and squeezed himself out of Fluttershy’s grip. He then bounced back to his room scared.
Fluttershy started tearing up. “Rainbow said she’ll be back quick, she usually wouldn’t take this long. Something happened to her, and I must SAVE HER!”
Fluttershy narrowed her eyes and felt her bravery dominating her mind. She will find her friend!
She stomped over to the door and opened it up. She quickly felt the cold wind brushing against her gentle face. She closed the door again and let herself warm up again.
“I can’t though…” she said sadly. “I’ll die out there.”
She looked down and started to think.
“Maybe she’s coming back…” she smiled by the thought of it. “Yeah! I’m sure she’ll be here at any moment.”
Suddenly the questions were coming back.
She shook her head. “Forget it! I’m going to help her out… despite my fear.” She narrowed her eyes. “I will save her.”
She opened up the door and started flying out to find her.
----
It’s been a couple of minutes, and still no sign of Rainbow. Fluttershy wondered where to look for her. She thinks she should start off with the ground, then she’ll go to Rainbow’s house.
She avoided heavy gusts that were coming her way, so she won’t feel that awful frost coming against her.
She flew faster and faster and looked aimlessly among the ground. “Where are you Dashie?!” she screamed.
She kept looking around, despite the cold air drying out her eyes. She kept her eyes wide open, she can’t give up now.
She kept looking when suddenly she spotted a odd shape on the ground. She quickly flew down to check whether or not it was Rainbow.
As she got closer to it, it was only a frozen rock. Fluttershy frowned and then went back up into the cold unforgiving sky to find her best friend.
---
It’s been 10 minutes, and still no sign of Rainbow Dash. Her body was cold and tired. She was soon ready to give up. She’ll go back to her nice warm home, warm herself up, then go out to find Rainbow. Only this time she’ll bring her friends along the way. She scolded herself for being stupid, she should’ve asked her friends to help out as soon as she left!
She then noticed something on the ground. She slowly flew down to check if this was this was Rainbow… and sure it enough… it was.
Her eyes widened and she started tearing up. “DASHIE!!” she cried as she quickly landed next to her lifeless body.
She put her gentle hoof on her cold face and turned her head. Her eyes were closed, and there was a frozen tear on her cheek.
“Rainbow, please wake up please!”
No response.
She started rabidly shaking her lifeless friend.
“Rainbow wake up!” she shouted.
No response.
Tears were flowing down Flutter’s face and she shouted into the sky, “RAINBOW!”
She knew she had to quickly get her to the hospital, and wake her up. But the hospital in Ponyville is so far away! She’ll never make it there in time. Especially with her loss of strength from the cold.
The closest place was her home. She knew once she built her energy back up again, she’ll fly her to the hospital. As of now, her home will have to do.
She picked up Rainbow and gently placed her on her back. She then steadily took off, making sure Rainbow won’t fall off and she’s fast enough to get back to her warm home.
She started crying. “Don’t die on me now Rainbow… please…” she thought to herself as she stared back at her friend.
Rainbow’s eyes were still closed, and her body was cold as ever. Everything was stiff. Even her mane.
Fluttershy faced back at the unforgiving winds. “Why…” she sniffed. “WHY.”
------
After a long moment, she flew back to her home. Angel looked through the window and seen Fluttershy was flying towards the entrance. Angel quickly opened the door for her, and watched as Fluttershy quickly flew into her home and crashed onto the floor.
Angel shut the door then hopped over to see what was going on.
Fluttershy picked herself up and then quickly looked at her frozen friend. She was still stiff and cold as ever. Fluttershy put her on the sofa and tucked her in a fuzzy warm blanket. She then ran upstairs and picked up every sheet and blanket she had in her bedroom and ran back downstairs.
She tucked Rainbow in some more, and hoped she was warming up a little bit.
Sadly, she was still cold. It’s as if nothing is even changing!
Fluttershy pushed the sofa more closer and closer to the fire.
Fluttershy put her hoof on Rainbow. She was getting damp, which was somewhat of a good sign. It means the frost is melting.
But it’s not enough. She needs MORE warmth for her friend!
----
She did more methods to warm her up, and now all she has to do is wait, and check up on her. She snuggled herself up next to Rainbow and tucked herself in next to her cold, damp body. Fluttershy started to tear up. She put her face onto Rainbow’s arm and cried on her. “Please Dashie don’t die on me!” she started crying hysterically.
“You’re my best friend. I don’t want you to leave me now! Not on Christmas Eve! We have so much to do together!” She looked up at Rainbow. “Please don’t leave me! Not like this!” She started crying hysterically again.
She then shouted on the top of her lungs,
“I love you Dashie!” and hugged her tightly while crying on her friend.
She suddenly then heard a cough. Her ears perked up and looked at Rainbow. She started coughing, she was alive!
She smiled and then she hugged her tightly again. “Oh thank goodness! Oh thank goodness!” she cried.
Fluttershy kept hugging her as Rainbow kept coughing.
It took Rainbow to figure out where she was and what happened. She looked around the room, and noticed she was close to the fire she was near earlier, and she was all uncomfortably tucked in while Fluttershy was hugging her.
She remembered she forgot to give her the present she bought for her, and she flew out to get it, but it ended horribly.
“Flutter--” “Oh thank goodness!” she kept repeating as she snuggled herself onto Rainbow. “Flutter--”
“I’m glad you’re okay Rainbow! I thought you died--”
“FLUTTER STOP.”
Fluttershy’s ears drooped and she gave her an awkward smile. “I was so worried about you Rainbow.” she said wiping a tear off of her face. “You were gone for a while…” Rainbow Dash nodded. “I know… I’m sorry.”
“What were you going to get that was so important anyway?” she asked.
Rainbow Dash looked down. “I was going to get you a present.”
Fluttershy frowned. “Rainbow, you risked your life for a silly present?” she started to tear up again. “Rainbow, all I want for Christmas is to be with you. That’s all I want.”
Rainbow Dash smiled at Fluttershy. “Thanks… Flutter.” she said gently. They both hugged each other tightly.
THE END HUR DDGUP
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2 downcast thumbs and still no feedback...
Expect a semi-thorough review/critique when I find the time. (Hopefully sooner than I am expecting.)
I will give ya feedback, and I will do my best to make it informative for you.
Hi-ho, Deep Pond, formerly of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything, and I'm here to give your story a good lookin'-at. You want critique? You'll get critique!
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Title
Nothing to say here. Decent title.
Description
See the underlined part? It looks like you dropped a few words there. Also, that sentence is a bit long; consider breaking it into two.
You've just told us something awful is going to happen to Rainbow, which reduces the tension. Also, just say "long." Stretching the word out looks silly.
Chapter 1
Okay, you have no chapter title. I didn't even know you could do that.
Is this the section title? Your fic isn't even 3,000 words; does it really need internal section titles? I'm a touch confused.
I don't think "questionably" is the word you want here. If Angel does something questionably, that means it's questionable whether he will accomplish it, or how good he is at it. Angel could make a questionable sandwich (meaning a slapped-together sandwich that's not very good), or deliver a message of questionable origins (meaning you can't be sure who it's from), but he doesn't watch questionably. Perhaps curiously? Inquisitively? Concernedly?
You're repeating the word "nervous." Consider using a different word.
Show, don't tell. You're telling us that Fluttershy is nervous, and that her questions don't help. First, we know her questions don't help because she's not getting any answers to them. Second, don't just tell us something: describe it. Describe Fluttershy's anxiety. Explain how she keeps glancing out the window every few seconds, how she dances in place, how she can't make herself stand still, how her mind keeps returning to thoughts of Rainbow Dash. Describe the appearance and emotions involved.
Angel's narrowed eyes and his knowledge are not related. Either put them in separate sentences (Angel narrowed his eyes. He knew . . .) or insert a semicolon (Angel narrowed his eyes; he knew . . .).
Don't overexplain. We know rolling eyes are a cartoon sign of dizziness. Also, if this scene is from Angel's perspective, don't shift to Fluttershy's in mid-sentence.
Exclamation points should not be used outside of actual dialogue.
"Ebony" and "black" are redundant.
Angel has slapped Fluttershy before; this ought not to shock her. Surprise her, maybe; disappoint her, certainly. And I seriously doubt that Fluttershy, Kindness Pony, would think of Angel as "cruel."
Ponies do not celebrate Christmas; they celebrate Hearth's Warming Eve.
This feels extremely casual, which is weird for an omniscient narrator's perspective. It's almost like it's being described by one of the ponies there, rather than being described objectively. In particular, the bolded parts seem clumsy to me.
The party about Lyra being upset "how she offered" is just wrong. It should be "Lyra was upset because she had offered," or something like that.
I personally dislike seeing fandom memes like "20% cooler" in my fanfics, as it snaps me out of the narrative.
I don't have time to review the entire story, but hopefully this will be helpful. Good luck, and keep writing!
Deep Pond, Knight of a Fallen Kingdom
1736751
Thank you. <3
1736701
Thanks!
1736751 gah a SHUDAWADOO
1736751 [youtube=L__bLaxjaz0]
1737828 ...Yeah...Deep pond already stated a lot of the technical stuff. But allow me to bring a few more things to mind.
1. This scene here:
Are you trying to do a FlutterDash or is this more of a EPIC FRIENDSHIP type of deal? Because my interpretation of the story differs pending on that.
2. This.
You just obliterated any feels I may have possibly developed. You have also given me reason to believe you are a Troll with that ending.
~IF YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT WANTING TO IMPROVE: just have "THE END." You need not try to lighten the mood by bringing crude humor into it.
It ruins any emotion you may have been trying to develop during your story. Besides, it was a Good end, not "BAD END."
~IF YOU ARE A TROLL: You're going to have to write up the story better than that. Also, you're going to have to build it up so much more before you throw it on the ground.
(ie. RD actually ends up dying; something along those lines.) However, I do not think you would use a troll fic to start off your literary career and then ASK FOR POINTERS.
(Unless you are an evil genius troll...GOOD-GOSHEDY!)
In any case, you need to address those two points I brought up as you revise. And in either case, I shall do what I can to assist you.
Keep writing my friend, I'm sure you'll become rather good.
I read through this while extremely tired so right before sleeping i was like what a sweet flutterdash story so far... like fluttershy yells i love you and rd wakes up.
Rereading there really are things to work on but the commenters before me went into massive detail already!!!
Its cute. Minus the mistakes.
I know you just want to have everyone picture what you invision... but catch yourself when you describe something in a long run on sentence in a circle. I have a great imagination that gets what you're trying to say if you said it in a simple way.
lol i think i just did an example explaining what you do. Ahhhh ha i am still tired.
Regardless, i shall wait to see how you progress and how flutterdash comes to be! <3
1740365
I'm not a troll, I just wanted to write The End like that just in case if someone is like, "That was the worst fanfiction ever."
And I really don't know what to do for that scene. Do you think it should be FlutterDash or a stronger bond of friendship? I'm still going to edit this fanfic, so I can alter everything if you want.
1745596
Then I'm afraid you would only justify their decision. Pulling a "Whoops! Got ya! It was a troll fic the whole time!" while it was actually your honest effort is merely lying to your audience and to yourself. If we deem it to be "the worst fanfiction ever" (which I highly doubt, I'm sure SOMEWHERE out there you'll find a piece of fanfiction that is far more worthy of the title.) do not shy away from that; embrace it and ask for assistance to make it better. That way we realize you are serious and you are willing to put in the effort. Do not be afraid to be rebuked; it is all a part of learning.
As nice as it is to see a novice doing what they can to make a story more appeasing, do not think that means you have to pander to the wants of myself or anyone else. It is YOUR story; I may bring things to your attention, but in the end you decide what you want your story to be about.
I brought that scene up just because it's a point of confusion that would be good to clarify. Either way can work and I'm sure you would be good either way you go. I will add, however, that you will have to write them in their respective ways in order to properly build the relationship.
So I ask, what do you feel would be better: a ship fic, or seeing if you can actually pull off that "EPIC FRIENDSHIP" way to go? Actually, better way to describe it: Do you want their relationship to be romantic, or sisterly? Which would be closer to what you originally wanted to portray? Only YOU can answer that question. We may be able to tell you how you can make it better, but we cannot tell you how you should write YOUR story. So it is all up to you; I'm sure you will do well.
I love th story
