Okay.

So I just did what I never thought I would (lower myself to) do, I writen a HIE clop fic.

Well what can I say here it is and I'm in a new writing territory that I've never been in before.

Since this is the case, I would love to get criticism, so I can improve. Find something lacking or something that you think could be made better don't hesitate to point it out. Without criticism we never improve ourselves.

1611192
Thank you man I love stories liek this

1611192
Found this and it was surprisingly good, i could read stories like this all day long.
It has its charms and fluttershy's personality is uncanny.

Best clop Intro evar!

1614164
Thank you for thinking so.

Stories like this... can you be a bit more specific.

1614207
Why thank you for the kind words.

Best clop intro ever? Oh I don't know about that.

1614329 No.
HiE, second person, romance tag

1614329
Though i rather read a whole fic story like this intro w/o clop
But a clop every now and then though
Also i thought fluttershy would use "the stare" instead of slapping him which i hoped for

well shy is probably going to treat him like a pet i would like to state that before anyone else decides to point out the obvious
also: http://images.4channel.org/f/src/cause%20pimps.swf
credit for the link goes to this guy http://www.fimfiction.net/user/E.%20Shadows

1614341
Thank you. always good to know what readers like.

1614343
As I see it "the Stare" takes time and concentration to use. Here she was pushed to her limits and acted out in a "crime of passion" or "temporary insanity", depending on how you look at it.

1614351
OH NO THE PLOT IS RUINED, RUINED I SAY!!!
All joking aside yes it's true the last peragraph dosn't leave much doubt about it. Also thanks for the dancing assassins.

P.S.
Do you know the name of the song I been looking for it for a long while.

8 upvotes.
77 views.
Already featured.

Either the counter is slow, or there's something real screwy going on here.

He has a tangible plus
Pulse

fall over with extortion
exhaustion.. unless the mafia is that strong.

So far, its interesting. However Flutter is acting a bit OOC (slap him? i expected her to scream too to form one incoherent mess of AHHHHH, she's a bit too decisive imho), and the OC have weird reaction to stuff around him.
The slow pace is nice. I hope the clop will take a while before showing up, if its too sudden and heavy it woudnt work, imho.

Good. Needs more cowbell.....

Pet? Oooooooh, that ain't good.

Pretty good

1615116
Damm the mental mafia strikes again with their extortion racket.

As for the slap as I pointed out before, she was pushed to her limits and acted out in a "crime of passion" or "temporary insanity" it happens.

1614606
no i don't know the name of the song. talk to the guy in the second link

aww that's sweet.

I am for too modest and would have had a far more violent reaction to that revelation

1615845
What revelation? the last paragrph?

1615875

the.........diaper thing

Wow, I was really looking forward to reading this since the idea seemed interesting (and it includes Fluttershy), and then I saw this:

This story is heavily based on the fic: "Fluttershy - your options at a glance"

Yeah, no. That was a terrible and idiotic story that had a completely unlikable main character, and had pretty much all the Mane 6 (especially Fluttershy) completely OOC to ridiculous levels. She was basically Fluttershy-in-name-only, and what made it worse is that the main character put up with her horrible behavior because she was... Trying to help him?

The plot sucked, the OC sucked, and the characters sucked. Why would you want to base anything off that?

Edit:

Just so I'm clear, I didn't rate this story. I might absolutely hate the fic you based this off of, but I still wouldn't rate something without reading it first. I just wanted to make that clear in case you thought I gave a dislike without even reading it first.

Ive wanted to do a fic along the same lines minus the clop. It is a good idea and I liked this more than I am willing to admit

1615888
"This story is heavily based on the fic: "Fluttershy - your options at a glance"" is mostly put that there, because the Idea behind this fic is, that Fluttershy and the other ponies will see the protagonist as a animal and Fluttershy takes him in and sees him as a pet.

Since "Fluttershy - your options at a glance" is the only other story I know with this premise, I thought I better put it in just in case, I get broadside after broadside, about how I stole the author of "Fluttershy - your options at a glance" idea. That I aim to strive to make the characters more true to canon, got put in the backseat, because I don't like to be acused of stealing. My aim (althogh it's totally out of my league as a writer) is to make it more like Xenophilia. A great fan fic you should read if you haven't allready.

Hope that this clears a thing or two and that you don't find this fic to vulgar to your likeing.

Love and friendship.

Huganis.

"This story is heavily based on the fic: "Fluttershy - your options at a glance"" is mostly put that there, because the Idea behind this fic is, that Fluttershy and the other ponies will see the protagonist as a animal and Fluttershy takes him in and sees him as a pet.

I know that, since it was the idea behind the other fic as well (along with seeing how insane the author could make Fluttershy and Twilight act). The problem is that the idea behind it makes no sense at all, and the only way for it to work is to make all the characters involved completely stupid.

Seriously, there is no possible way they could see him walk in wearing clothes and talking, and somehow come to the conclusion that he's nothing more than a common animal. That idea's so bad it can only work by forcing the characters to go along with it.

My aim (althogh it's totally out of my league as a writer) is to make it more like Xenophilia.

Wait, really?

First, I do love that story, and completely agree that it's a great read (although I think some of the ideas added in later chapters should never have been added, but that's getting off topic). What confuses me is that Xenophilia is completely different from Fluttershy - your options at a glance. Unlike the second one, Xenophilia didn't have an unlikable main character, had an interesting plot, didn't completely destroy the characters by having them (especially Fluttershy) be completely OOC and making them idiotic. It also didn't use that nonsensical idea that the ponies would consider the main character as a common animal for... some reason (although I guess a reason couldn't really be given, considering there's nothing that would justify it).

However, if you are going in the direction of Xenophilia (likable character, not having the characters be OOC, etc.) then that's very reassuring.

Well, I finally read it. Now I see that it is going the same way as "Fluttershy - your options at a glance." The main character is already a push over, Fluttershy is already OOC (the diaper part, snarling at him for not giving her the spoon, thinking he was a swan even though she'd have to be blind and deaf to even think that, already calling him her pet - my reaction to that bit, etc.), the characters are already making no sense (seriously, a swan? And this is after she knows he talks? ), and going by how willing he was to put up with it, I'm just going to guess that this will be like that other fic and have him basically kneeling before her even after she treats him like crap.

That basically killed any hope I might have had, but I'll at least wait one more chapter since there wasn't too much interaction in this one. Maybe you'll surprise me and I'll find out that I was wrong.

1616189

The main character is already a push over

Trauma has a way of doin that to people, the few times I been badly hurt and been lying in a hospital I gotten coments that I'm much more docil and compliant than I use to.

The diaper part:
Yes diapers. when someone is in a such a poor state that you can't comunicate with them or be with them 24/7, the standardt thing to do is to put them in diapers. Having worked as an orderly in both hospitals and nursing homes I seen, talked and helped grownups in diapers. Acordig to what some of them told me, after I quit in the nursing home and became a visitor, it was one of the most degrading things about, their daily lives. As I sure it would be for most of us.

Snarling at him:
Again, when you are in a frail state phisicly, you are more sensetive to how people talk to you. since we only have the protagonist's point of view it seems like a snarl. Again I can only draw of my own experience as a patient, where I felt that people around me talked very hashly to me. When I got better however, I discovered that it was mostly in my mind.

Pet part:
As I said that was my idea at the begining, but who knows, maybe I'll have to change it to make the story flow better. Maybe it's just the pet name she calls him, like Rainbow in Xenophilia constantly calls her human Big Guy.

Or maybe not... I don't know, I never expected people to like what I wrote.

AARRGGHH! Why must it be so complicated like this!

The Swan Part:
I DON*T KNOW IT SEEMED CUTE AT THE TIME!!!! AND I HAD A HORRIBLE CHILDHOOD!!! (NO YOU DIDN'T, STOP TRYING TO COVER YOUR DECISIONS WITH POOR EXCUSES!!!) OH BE QUIET MORE SECURE PART OF MY BRAIN!!!

Wuhhh! Okay I think I'm done trying to cover over my own insecurity and making a fool of myself in the progress.

now let's see where we stand after chapter two.

Honestly, the lack of acceptable grammar and sentence structure is what's keeping me from enjoying this. It's mainly the constant lack of and incorrect use of commas, and it makes it tough for the second person thing to work for me. Mainly because I see all these little mistakes, and definitely wouldn't use them when I speak. I don't enjoy clop, and I honestly wish you would keep this rated teen, but I liked the story line and idea behind it. I'll end up reading it all and just skipping the clop. Either way, you need a proof reader, and I would love to be one if you'd like the help. Feel free to PM me. Even though the syntax isn't amazing, I'm definitely liking the idea and look forward to more.

1616623

The problem is that it was very, very clear that "Big Guy" was just a pet name. A form of endearment. Fluttershy in this story (and in the other fic) calling him pet is not a pet name. That's Fluttershy, the element of kindness, saying that as far as she (and pretty much everyone else, since they're all OOC too and don't seem to care) cares, he's just a common animal, and she's also saying she owns him.

I've said it in my last comment, and I'll say it again. The entire idea that any of them would think he was just a common, dumb animal who Fluttershy can claim as her pet makes no sense at all. It didn't in the other fic, and it doesn't in this one.

If there is one suggestion I have that I seriously think you should take into consideration, it's this: Lose the entire idea of the pet thing/ponies seeing him as an animal. There is absolutely no reason this story can't work without that stuff being in the story. It just seems odd that the story needs to protect the OC by having the ponies become complete sociopaths. Have them see him as something alien, but not like an animal who can be claimed as a pet. Let the others (especially Fluttershy) help him get back on his feet by treating him with the kindness they're so famous for (you know, Friendship is magic?). No pet crap. No animal crap. No Mistress Fluttershy/any other Mane 6 treating him like crap out of some stupid notion of tough love. Get rid of all of that, and just have them act in-character. There, that basically solves all the problems of them being completely OOC.

Even better, it really makes it more plausible for the clop coming in, especially with it concerning Fluttershy. After all, it makes much more sense for a loving relationship to come from two people caring for each other and treating each other with respect than it does to have it come from two people treating each other like a slave/animal/pet/etc. As it stands, he'd have to be a complete moron to have any feeling of love for someone who freely admits to the fact that he's just an animal as far as she's concerned.

UPDATE THIS DAILY! I WANT MORE

"Chocked" needs to be "shocked"
"stile" needs to be "style"

Mane Goodall, I see what you did there.

I liked the Jurrasic Park (its a great movie) reference and the "Damn you Animal Planet" jokes

I want to see the next chapter or two before passing judgement.

Oh man you did well enough that you also have detractors of... that fic ... here. If you gonna build something kinda "Florence Nightingale effect" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_Nightingale_effect it'll be cool to read but I hope you can pace it well enough. Some reviewers show their concern with how the relationship is gonna develop from here, and also I hope that she'll figure out it IS MORE THAN AN ANIMAL TO PET. After all, it can be submissive but in a ...let's say less ridiculous way shall we?
I still like that last line anyway because that shows how Fluttershy looks at the protagonist at the moment. Maybe you gonna do some progression and development that will change how she sees him?
Oh sorry if I'm ranting. Somehow I feel that the comments here have influenced what you wanted to write earlier and what will you post in the future. At least one of the fanfics that inspired you (yep, Xeno...) is a true gem, and maybe you can shape something special. Keep it coming sir!

1617947
Well I ran into two big problems.

Firstly, I had no Idea that anyone would actually like the story. I thought that over a couple of months maybe one hundred people would read it (like my former atemptes at fan fics). That meant that I could do what ever I wanted, and just use this story to have some fun and practicing my writen English with the help of the great proofreaders that freequent this site.

Secondly, as I always do, I bite over more then I can chew. At the start I thought that I could combine the good things in both fics and make an hybrid that, I at least thougt was readable. Since I didn't belive, that there would be much of an audience, no presure to make something that other's would find readable. Now how ever I must realize that I'm nowhere good enough as a writer to do that.

In both cases I was surprised beyond belief. Not only do people like the story, some of them also belive it can be something better then it is right now. I can't work on the next chapter before I know what to do a plan I have been thinking of is to let the readers choose where we go from here. Since I know that the hybrid can't be done propperly I'm left with two choices.

One:
Go allout OOC and have a laugth, the road of the referal.

Two:
Scap the original idea and do something harder. Get my act together and try to write a fic that takes the intimacy of Xeno and make something brand new.

I'll properly set up a pole to see what the readers are up for, because I can't choose at the moment, I'm still shocked that this story became somewhat popular.

P.S.
It's horrible to see how transparent I am. Your guess is actualy as to how the original story would came quite close.

And nice to see someone who calls it Florence Nightingale effect and not syndrome, as Hollywood has wrongfully thought us it's called.

1618182
That place only has one dungeon?

You have talent, I happily give you.

You need an editor BADLY, and your Fluttershy is just a little bit... bipolar? The whole thing with the spoon kind'a threw me, whoa.

I do like it though, I'll place it in my favs so I'll know when it updates. Your attention to medical detail is admirable.

1618470
Do you know a good editor whose not doing anything at the moment?

1618546 I do not, sowwy.

I rather like this.

Oh, I like thisc:
Different by what I read from other HiE's.
Are you going to continue this? If so how long til the next chapter? Don't worry there's no rush.^^

1616189

The main character is already a push over

Been on the very verge of death, and is only starting to recover. Nobody is going to be a bad-arse when they can't even lift a spoon.

Fluttershy is already OOC (the diaper part

He was comatose for a month and a half. Diapers are used for patients in a coma in real life.

snarling at him for not giving her the spoon

Agree. Little over the top. But then again, he's already tagged it AU, and mentioned it in the synopsis.

thinking he was a swan even though she'd have to be blind and deaf to even think that,

“Do you think he maybe could be related to a swan?”
“I-I know he’s not a bird, but when I found him he was singing,”
“The only other animal I’ve seen that sings when they’re near death are swans.”
They don't know what he is, so they take a random stab in the dark.

already calling him her pet

They already have animals they keep as pets that are shown to be highly intelligent (Angel and Owlicious). Including sheep, that have the capacity to talk. Thinking that she wants him as a pet doesn't seem that off.

Am watching. The idea of them attempting to keep him as a pet intrigues me.

But his back hooves should also look like hands so he can’t be a monkey.

Wait. Monkeys' rear paws don't look like hands?

The story shows a lot of promise so far and I believe I will be following this to see how things turn out ^^ As long is doesn't out like another story with a human actually being treated like a pet and mere animal, despite being sentient and intelligent, I can't think of any reason I would dislike this.

OH FUCK.

FUCK ANIMAL PLANET

1618279 - Get my act together and try to write a fic that takes the intimacy of Xeno and make something brand new. TRY IT!!! AT LEAST GIVE IT A TRY!!!!! Even if you do not succeed, the result will be phenomenal.

This story has potential (it's too early to tell more, though :) ). All I can say now is:
MOAR!!!

ps. you may want to take a look at the "Proofreaders and people willing to proofread" group .

A sea of clop you say? Intradesting, do want.

Kudos to you sir, keep up the good work.

1618279
And the amount of likes increases. Look, you posted this because a side of you was happy to write it and post it. I suggest you follow Happy Thoughts advice. Just write what you feel on it, but if you were to take a promise of that other fanfic you can improve or change things to make it your story. Originality is one of the thing I couldn't care less, because when someone calls it for their story they are either lying or being preposterous. Just write, WRITE I SAY. Want me to proofread?

1618546 please for the love of god make it like xeno i think that would make this stpru so much more readable and would allow for deep character development

1621892
stpru?

1619134
Different how? Never hurts to ask.

1619879
Commander, tear this fic apart until you find those mistakes! And bring me all the grammars, I want them ALIVE!

1620001
tagged it AU?

1620043
More then humans do, and I unfortunatlly just watched Ice age 4. where the monky pirate captain uses his feet as hands and there wassen't that big a difference. I know that real monkies feet dosn't, but I forgot it.

1620592
Inded especial now where they like other chanels ain't living up too their name.

1620713 1621436 1621600
I will.

1621825
Thanks for the "walk it off" support talk. Kind of lost my head yesterday when I discovered that people actualy was reading and liking this fic. All ways god too be brought back on track.

1622236

tagged it AU?

Alternate Universe

1622264
Ahh. thank you for the support always nice to get some.