I Want to Be like You

Hours of impatient walking Dinky wants to go to school like every other pony she just wants to fit in. So after some talking to her mother (Derpy Hooves) Derpy lets her join.

Chapters (3)

The First Day · 25th Nov 2012 · 1,113 words
1,113
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The Wubs · 25th Nov 2012 · 1,231 words
1,231
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Zekora's Wisdom · 25th Nov 2012 · 1,018 words
1,018
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Comments ( 8 )

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Mr.RealityTheBrony

Mr.RealityTheBrony #1 · Nov 8th, 2012 · · · The First Day ·

The story's good, a few grammar mistakes but i like the concept

Dlamb

Dlamb #2 · Nov 9th, 2012 · · · The First Day ·

Thanks I appreciate it

ambion

ambion #3 · Nov 11th, 2012 · · · The First Day ·

Right - this was going to be a TWE standard review, but sadly time is short and such and so on; I'll have to be brief.

I really really really quickly skimmed the story (time constraints!) and the story's alright; nothing to worry nothing much over there.

"Mom mom, its today its today!" Dinky says impatiently. "Time for school, time for school!" Derpy raises her head off of her cloud pillow. She had been having a hard time sleeping the night before over the concern of her daughter going to school. "Mooom are you ok?" Dinky said in a troubled voice. "It's nothing Dink" Derpy said in a ensuring voice. "Lets get some breakfast and get goi-" Dinky had already left the room and headed her way to the kitchen. "Hmmm kids." Derpy muttered to herself.
Derpy making her way to the kitchen hears a loud crash and some glass break. Derpy with no hesitance bursts her way into the room. "Whats going on in here?" Dinky taking cover underneath the table yells back. "I was trying to get the glasses out but my magic wasn't as strong as I thought it was. I'm sorry mom are you mad at me?" "No I'm not made at you I'm just glad that you're safe." Derpy says while hugging her child. "Lets just clean this up and grab a muffin on the way out." "Yeah that sounds like a better plan than I had.

A few things - Past tense and present tense. A story is typically written in the past tense with no exceptions outside of dialogue. Dinky says impatiently should be Dinky said Derpy raises her head should be Derpy raised her head.

Second thing - dialogue proper; Dialogue starts paragraphs. You can have :

"WORDS," WORDS. "WORDS." <--- proper formatting
WORDS WORDS. "WORDS." WORDS, SOMEONE ELSES' WORDS: "WORDS." <-- improper.

Rule - There are never two speakers in one paragraph. NEW SPEAKER = NEW PARAGRAPH. One person can speak, have narration and speak again, but to have Dinky and Derpy speaking in the same paragraph is very wrong.

This taken into account that paragraph should look like this -

"Mom mom, its today its today!" Dinky says impatiently. "Time for school, time for school!"
Derpy raises her head off of her cloud pillow. She had been having a hard time sleeping the night before over the concern of her daughter going to school.
"Mooom are you ok?" Dinky said in a troubled voice.
"It's nothing Dink" Derpy said in a ensuring voice. "Lets get some breakfast and get goi-" Dinky had already left the room and headed her way to the kitchen. "Hmmm kids." Derpy muttered to herself.

Then if I fix up the grammar, it goes on to look like this -

"Mom mom, it's today it's today!" Dinky said impatiently. "Time for school, time for school!"
Derpy raised her head off of her cloud pillow. She had been having a hard time sleeping the night before over the concern of her daughter going to school.
"Mooom are you ok?" Dinky said in a troubled voice.
"It's nothing Dink" Derpy said in a ensuring voice. "Lets get some breakfast and get goi-" Dinky had already left the room and headed her way to the kitchen. "Hmmm kids." Derpy muttered to herself.

One last thing; SHOW NOT TELL (sorry for caps, but it's important)

For isntance -

"Mooom are you ok?" Dinky said in a troubled voice.

Dinky asking that question already SHOWS that she's a bit troubled; your voice is certainly troubled to some extent when you ask her if she's ok, indeed. If I cut out the second half entirely-

"Mooom are you ok?"

and read it again, it still FEELS like her voice is troubled, doesn't it?

Small example, but hope it's a prompt in the right direction, don't be dishearetned this hasty review is meant to help, not hinder, and take care time's up.

Dlamb

Dlamb #4 · Nov 11th, 2012 · · · The First Day ·

I'll just get an editor then

articunos bitch

articunos bitch #5 · Nov 24th, 2012 · · · The First Day ·

I thought it was sad how Dinky gets bullied on her first day of school. It's good to see strangers stick up for her, despite being hurt themselves.
Now, what exactly happened to Dinky? Reminds me of Twilight's actions when she got her cutie mark. Is she going to become Luna's student?

articunos bitch

articunos bitch #6 · Nov 24th, 2012 · · · The Wubs ·

Could have used a bit of history between Vinyl and Derpy. And the second to last line sounds like Vinyl walked into the school room. <shrug>

Dlamb

Dlamb #7 · Nov 25th, 2012 · · · The Wubs ·

Vinyl did walk into the room at the end of chapter 2. I guess I didn't make that all that clear but I'll fix that soon. And yes the magic rage burst that twilight and Dinky had are the same but different in their own special ways. I'm also open to any other suggestions in the story from fans or just other people that stumble upon this story if the want to commute with the story. I'll put up chapter 3 today and fix some problems in the story already.