Not easy being the only girl in an orphanage for boys only. Fleetfoot discovers after being filed by her parents with few months. She finds by herself with her brother how she can extend her life to become an exemplary soldier in the service of Her Majesty and the power of her talented athlete fame : A Wonderbolt.
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Sorry for the language. I wrote the first story in French.
Dialogue should be in quotes. For example, he said "I am a bear."
Without the quotation marks its kind of hard to distinguish the dialogue from the rest of the text, although I did see you used dashes to indicate text.
Just trying to help, and I think your story has potential.
1572401
Eh, whatever. It could use some work though, the gist of the story is clear, but the details are a bit fuzzy because it's hard to understand what's being said. Hopefully it will shape up into a good story.
Example of issues with the writing, as is:
This really needs to be rephrased, the sentence structure feels funky. For instance, how can he "stop his wings" (not flying?) and still be hovering? Stopped hiding? Are they hiding from something? Is he trying not to cry, because if he's got tears he's already crying. I take it that he is crying and trying to hide it behind his hooves or something. In the last sentence it sounds like he is trying to hug her and not hurt the foal, but it is unclear. It could just be that the differences between French and English are confusing.
If you translated this yourself from French to English, you might try running the French through Google Translate and comparing your version and the automatic translation. I'm not saying you're bad, just that Google makes a good product and it might be able to show you where you need to make sure your writing is clear in English.
Unless you want to convey that these ponies are not particularly literate, then that letter needs work. It, like other parts of the story, comes across as third person, which is clearly not the case. It's a personal letter/note, but doesn't feel personal and is a little hard to understand at first. I gather this orphanage you mention bears some passing resemblance to something that might have been run by the catholic church in real life?
Naming a place 'Saint ...' doesn't make a whole lot of sense in Equestria, since it there isn't any context for the word saint or a meaning. The same goes for the title of Father <so and so>. You should try to create additional detail in the story to explain this rather than leaning on some common external context that the reader is presumed to share (besides my little pony and maybe the fanon, canon of the fans, of course). Also, unless you have Prance as a place or some other setting that exists commonly in the fandom you need to work this place you have set your story in into Equestria somewhere. Alternatively you could expand Equestria somehow to include the place you wish this to be set in.
** canon - the 'lore' or known factual information about Equestria including the nature of ponies, what races exist, the origin of the Princess', et cetera derived from the TV show.
** fanon - like above, except being the sum of such things deriving solely from fan created work. This includes alternate universes, alternate timelines, different background stories for ponies in the show, and much more.
P.S. Don't take it too hard, I'm just trying to suggest ways that you could improve your story and writing
I see a romance tag, but only female Main Characters, does that imply what I think it implies?
Okay, thanks you for help. I'll see them problems for the second chapter. It will take some time for a good correction.
Sorry for the second chapter... I miss a page... Please wait, I'll fixe it...
It's a bit hard to understand. Otherwise, interesting storyline.
Very nice story. I am very much enjoying it.
Two things I would recomend would be to get an editor or at least a proof reader. I understand that you wrote this story in French, so the language translation might not work out perfectly. Having someone who could help iron out the translation issues would help. I only noticed minor gramatical errors (I will assume that is mainly due to the translation). The second thing you need to address is the use of quotations. All dialogue needs to be in quote marks.
You are doing a good job with your story telling. Address those issues and you have yourself a great story. Hope this helps
Thanks! I think for the quotes. It isn't clear to translate one language to another...
Well, I'll start the third chapter.
Again, I very much enjoyed this chapter. You have an interesting story and great characters to go along with it.
I also want to say good job with adapting quote marks into your dialogue. One thing to be careful with is breaking a piece of dialogue by putting something in the middle of speech.
In this sentence you should have two sets of quote marks. It should be punctuated like this
You are doing much better with your use of quote marks. So congrats.
One thing you can leave out is the hyphen at the beginning of all your dialogue. The hyphen is not necessary to denote the beginning of speech, that is why you use quote marks. Other than those points your punctuation is near spotless. So bravo.
The only thing left is the translation. That is still going to be the thing that sticks out the most to any reader. English is a fickle language, so I can understand there are difficulties in translating. Should you need help with your proofreading and editing let me know.
All in all you are doing good and are incorporating the feedback from previous chapters. Keep up the good work.
Interesting, although it feels a little rushed. I concur with Synx on the editing, you really need to edit that or have it edited. For instance, this is pretty wonky:
I would rewrite that as something like this:
*As a note, ponies is appropriate to use in place of people. Also, pay attention to plurals, you can probably use 'pegasus ponies' instead if that sounds better to you than 'pegasi'. You also don't need to split dialogue into separate lines as long as you keep the quotes in the right places and make sure that it's clear who is talking.
Good luck with the work! There are three more parts to this chapter?
P.S. The possessive there with the cutie mark is a little odd.
Again, the plural of pegasus... That word should be spelled celebrated. I'd suggest writing that end bit as 'Fleetfoot's cutie mark' (for a quick adjustment) or 'Fleetfoot having earned her cutie mark' (for better writing in general).
One word maor!
Please tell me their will be a chapter four
Yes. It will have one.
Sorry for the wait. I was busy busy busy (like said AJ). I will return on it.
Hmm... I'm going to keep my eye on this...