The Quest For Cabbage
Chapter Sicks: Intoxication
Goddamn it! Trollestia strikes again!
While I do wholeheartedly approve of your newfound loathe for Celestia, I don't believe that she or her sister were the ones to banish Strife to your world.
Oh really? Then who did?!
Discord laughed. You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Besides, I think your adorable little friend is coming back.
I tilted one of my ears towards the kitchen. Sure enough, I heard the light clip-clop of hooves getting closer.
This isn't over, Discord. I WILL find out who banished Strife to my world, even if it's the last thing I do here!
The last thing you should do here would be finding a cabbage, no?
You know what I mean!
Discord once again fell silent as Fluttershy walked out of the kitchen. She was holding a cup of something with her mouth, somehow not spilling it. Fluttershy set the cup of liquid on the low coffee table in front of me.
"Drink this. It'll make you feel better, I promise," she said softly before she looked up at my maimed face. "O-oh my! What happened to you!" exclaimed Fluttershy.
I grumbled under my breath, "Angel happened to me..."
Somehow, Fluttershy's voice grew even quieter. "Oh you poor thing! You stay right there: I'll go grab my first aid kit."
Sighing, I looked down at the cup and the liquid that it held. I looked back and forth between my fore-hooves and the cup. What I wouldn't do to have my hands back. These freakin' things are useless. How the hell are we non-magical ponies supposed to manage? I looked up at the horn on my head. Great. I'm so fuckin' tired that I'm making irrelevant complaints. Wonder what's in the cup...
Sighing, I leaned forward and grabbed the cup with my teeth, being careful not to crack the porcelain. Moving slow and steadily, I managed to not dump the entire thing on myself as I leaned back against the couch, cup in mouth.
Great. Now, how am I supposed to drink this?
I tried to balance the cup in-between my two front hooves, but that didn't work. I tried all sorts of awkward positions and stupid ideas before Discord took pity on me.
For crying out loud, just tilt your head back with the cup in your teeth and the liquid will fall down your throat.
I stopped what I was doing and sat back up, cup in my teeth. Wow. I can't believe I didn't think of that myself.
I tilted my head back and felt the warm liquid pour down my throat. I drank it all in one gulp, then put it back on its saucer, smacking my lips as I did so. Definitely tea of some sort. Tastes strange, though...
I felt Discord laughing hysterically. What's so funny, trollmaster? I asked.
Oh my. This is going to be GOOD! I definitely chose the right human this time!
I felt that something either very bad would happen to me, or that something very funny would happen, at my expense. I don't like where this is going...
My thoughts were interrupted when Fluttershy came back carrying a red first aid kit. "Uh, Fluttershy? What was in-" I started to ask, but was silenced.
"Shh shh shh..." cooed the yellow Pegasus as she started to dab something on my face. "Fluttershy will take care of you. Just close your eyes and rest..."
I yawned. "You know...I do feel awfully tired all of the sudden..."
I tried to keep my eyes open, but they wouldn't listen to my commands
"I guess I can...cabbage...later..." I muttered as I fell unconscious.
T R A N S I T I O N
I awoke to a blinding headache. "Oh God, my head," I said as I cradled my aching cranium. I cracked open one eye and chanced a look around, my vision blurry and disoriented. I saw enough to tell me that I was still in Fluttershy's cottage, albeit in a different room. I was in a small bed in what looked to be the guest room.
Discord? You there buddy? I thought miserably.
Need you even ask? Of course I'm here. You are my main source of entertainment, after all. Well, not for the last forty-six hours you weren't, but that's beside the point.
I sat bolt upright, my head screaming at me. Forty-six hours?! I've been asleep for almost two whole days?! How the hell did that happen?!
I hear Discord snicker. Why don't you ask your timid little friend, Waffle? I'm sure she has an inkling on what the cause was...
Out of the one eye that was open, everything that I looked at was hazy. I couldn't see anything out of my other eye...
That's because there's a bandage over your other eye. Angel did a number on the right side of your face. Your own feeble attempts at retaliation only furthered the damage done.
Ughhh. I feel...abnormal. What was in that tea?
Discord only laughed.
I tried to get out of the bed, but one of my hooves had caught on the blanket, causing me to face-plant on the wooden floor.
"Ow," I groaned as I picked myself off of the floor. I tried to regain my balance, but I was wobbling so badly that I had to sit down on the floor. Alright, Waffle. You just need to focus on keeping your balance and you'll be fine. Somehow, my own advice didn't feel all that helpful.
I slowly stood up, balancing my weight more or less equally amongst my four movement appendages. I was drifting side to side slightly, but I had my equilibrium back.
"Alright. One step at a time..." I said as I took a tentatively step towards the door.
"Put your best hoof forward..." I said as I took another.
"A journey starts with a single step..." I continued as I took yet another step.
I stopped my motivational phrases. "What am I even saying?" I asked myself as I continued to take slow, ponderous steps toward the door.
After an eternity of stepping, I finally made it to the door. I looked behind me to see how far I had made it, sure that the bed had to be hundreds of feet behind me. The bed was only five steps away.
I looked at the door, then at the bed and back again, several times. What the fuck is going on? I asked myself as I pushed the door with my hoof. The door didn't budge. I glared at the door. It didn't respond, so I pushed it again. The door displayed a profound lack of movement.
"Alright, door. Why don't you and me go outside and settle our differences like men?" I asked angrily.
The door gave me the silent treatment.
"Tough guy, huh? Fine, have it your way!" I said as I swung one of my hooves at the door. Unfortunately for me, this was also the same hoof that was keeping me balanced. I tumbled over and smacked my head on the door frame, jarring my vision even more.
I groaned as I held my agonizingly tormented head. "Okay door," I whimpered. "You win. I surrender. Now can I please go outside?"
The door didn't reply, so I assumed everything was cool between us. "'our 'ot 'alf 'ad, 'oor," I commented as I pulled doorknob with my mouth. The door confirmed his chill status by letting me outside and into the hallway. "See ya later, man," I said as I stumbled down the hallway.
I kept bumping into the walls as I flolloped (fuh-LOL-uped) down the hallway. It didn't bother me overmuch: I knew that the jellyfish that lived within the walls wouldn't mind. I made it out of the hallway alive, so I looked to my left. I saw the living room that had once occupied me. I looked to my right and saw the kitchen.
"I am getting kind of hungry..." I said to myself. "I'm sure Fluttershy won't mind if I grab an teensy-weensy snack. Or two. Or twelve."
Licking my lips, I trundled into the kitchen, putting my quest for cabbage aside for the moment.
This can only end well.
Author's Note: Yep. Waffle's high as a kite. If anypony out there has any stupid/ridiculous/outlandish/troll-filled things for Waffle to do or say during his mind-fuck, please let me know either in the comments section below or via a PM.
Extra Note: The next chapter will take slightly longer than usual, on account of me being lazy and asking you guys for ideas. However, it will be extra-long to make up for this.
Have him eat the lastcabbage fluttershy has...
Dude. He should totally hook up with Fluttershy.
PS that's sarcasm.
Treat the couch as if they are in a scandalous relationship. Somehow wind up convinced that he impregnated Angel. Teach the birds to sing inappropriate limericks. Replace all the animals water with homemade vodka. Lick everything. Start up a game of Twister with all the chairs (the couch will not be pleased with this at all). Try to dig a hole back to the real world through the floor. Dress up and act like a Batman villain. Engage in a philosophical debate with a passing stranger over the pros and cons of a world with sapient Doritos. Break one of her mugs and attempt to cover up the crime as if it were a murder.
1496483
What dafuq. This next chapter is going to be long.
Go on a Pyro style trip-fest through the forest, where he sees everything as lollipops and big cuddly Furbies, while Discord/Angel/Fluttershy/whothefuckever follows after him saving his dumb ass from getting eaten by everything.
Find a massive stockpile of cabbages, and then trade them all for some glow sticks and a whistle. There will, of course, be plenty of pictures of this for him to see when he sobers up.
Use the contents of Fluttershy's house to build a device capable of creating anything except cabbage. Declare it a resounding failure and either throw it off a cliff while Twilight is watching, or give it to someone wholly irresponsible or evil.
Pyro style trip-fest version 2, but with the townsfolk as zombies and Waffle armed with a slingshot and a bunch of old fruit.
1496549
Make him think he has a friend beside him all along.
And his name was Cabbage McEaterton.
That would work.
1496417 *Sarcasm Self-Test Complete*
1496956
Well, he was on his period when I posted that comment, so I had to make sure he knew.
PS that's sarcasm
1498253 *Stalemate Detected*
Ah-hah! I knew it! Your a criken2 fan!
i must say this is amazing. by the title i thought it would be boring. but here we are. i just hope this doesn't turn into a flutterfucker moment or a stay out of my shed type deal.
1532346
Oh god, the next chapter is going to be terrible. And by 'terrible' I mean:
catmacros.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/i_dont_even_cat.jpg
i want to trade places with waffle now... question: think its worth getting a speeding ticket after going to the store and buying pony plushies? 84 in a 55...
This story smells of alcohol and spaghetti covered waffles. And I enjoy that oh so very much. Enjoy reading that in my voice also by the way... titty sprinkles
make him do something extremely stupid, like......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................i know now make him..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................make him do something extremely stupid idk just something extremely stupid