The Quest For Cabbage

by Divide

Chapter ∞: To Infinity and Beyond!

The Quest for Cabbage

Chapter ∞: To Infinity and Beyond!

"...How the hell am I not dead?"

That's an easy one: you're not on the moon.

I looked to my left. Light grey landscape dotted with craters.

I looked to my right. Light grey landscape dotted with craters and couple of my circular hoofprints.

"It certainly looks like the moon."

If you were on the actual moon, unless you were accidently teleported into Luna's Biosphere, you'd simultaneously freeze and burn all the while being unable to breath.

"...Wait, what? Biosphere?!"

Therefore, continued Discord, ignoring my question, you can't possibly be on the moon. If I had to guess, you're probably locked away in a room, standing on a prop. Celestia is many things, but a cold-hearted killer isn't one of them.

Prop, eh? I thought. Might as well test your theory...

I started pawing at the ground, digging down into the dust. When I had unearthed approximately an inch and a half of dust, my hoof went clonk.

"Hell-o, what have we here?" I asked to nopony in particular as I moved more and more dust aside. When I had roughly a square foot of uncovered space, I bent my knees and tried to get a closer look. "Looks like you were right, Senõr Chaos. As far as I know, the moon doesn't suddenly become metal an inch down."

Of all the things you could've tested, you chose that? Really?

"Don't get snippety with me, mister. You're the reason I'm in this bloody universe in the first place."

Why didn't you, I don't know, look at the paper mâché Sun hanging from a piece of rope?

I looked up and realized that, yes, there was a paper mâché sun hanging from a piece of rope only a couple of feet from my head. "Huh. Not sure how I missed that. Anyway, how are we supposed to get out of here?"

Bucked if I know.

"Well, if this isn't real, than it's only a matter of time before-"

I felt my reality twist and bend yet again, and I found myself standing in a room full of angry-looking ponies. "...I'm teleported back into a room full of angry ponies," I finished as I beheld my situation.

Well, you're on your own. I'm going to grab some popcorn and a chocolate milk of glass.

Sure, sure, leave me to fend for myself why don't you. Freakin' coward.

"So YOU are the one that-" Somepony started to say, but everypony else decided that they needed to add to my non-existent shame.

"-Broke into my store!"

"-Poked holes into mah apple trees!"

"-Tried to eat my roof! Only I'm allowed to do that!"

"-Stole my laboratory equipment and made possibly the greatest invention in the history of ponykind and squandered it!"

"-Started that game of Twister. That was awesome!"

All of the ponies except for me wore a confused look and stared at the speaker of the last sentence.

"What?" asked Rainbow Dash. "I thought it was fun!"

If I had fingers, I would've pinched the bridge of my nose. "Please, does somepony, anypony have any cabbage? Even a small one would do..."

"What does cabbage have to do with anything?!"

"A lot more than you'd think, surprisingly," I replied without even looking at who was speaking. "I'll ask again: does anypony have any cabbage I can have? I'm sure it would be mutually beneficial if I returned home as quickly as possible."

"What do you mean, 'return home'? How would cabbage help you get home?" asked my most favouritest pony, Twilight Sparkle.

This isn't fair, I complained. This could've been a fun and knowledgeable trip, but it ended up being a chaotic fucking mess. Even the ponies that I wanted to meet are royally pissed at me.

Did you really expect something different from Discord, the God of Chaos?

I was hoping that your dickishness was over exaggerated. I guess I was wrong.

That's hardly fair; it's my nature to bring chaos and pandemonium to everyone. You, however, have no excuse. You didn't have to act as my emissary of anarchy; you chose to. The greatest thing that all of you people, ponies included, have is free will. The only goal that you had was to find a cabbage: everything else was allowed. Heck, you didn't even have to find the cabbage. You could've stayed in Equestria for the rest of your days. The point is: you have the freedom of choice. I don't.

I was both shocked and intrigued at Discord's rant. You...don't have free will? You, the God of Chaos, the troller of trolls, do not have free will? You're forced to do this?!

Yes. While I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it, sometimes you just want a break, y'know? I thought that my banishment as a stone statue would at least give me some relaxation, but nooo.

"Hell-oo? Equestria to gold unicorn?"

I shook my head, dispelling my niggling thoughts. "Sorry. Having someone else to talk to in your head sometimes makes other conversations difficult."

"What?!"

I sighed and sat down on my haunches. It wasn't quite the same as crossing my legs, but it'd have to do. "Let me tell you a story..."

T R A N S I T I O N

"...And here I am," I finished, my throat sore recounting the entirety of my trolling tale.

There had been numerous questions throughout my storytelling, but by the end, all of the ponies just sat and stared at me with various looks of dumbfounded confusion plastered onto their faces.

"Any more questions?" I asked.

Nopony moved or spoke.

"Good. Well, if that's that then, I'll be continuing on my retarded quest for cabbage," I stated as I stood up, preparing to leave the room and wander around until I found an exit.

"He's an absolute loony," said one of the ponies now behind me. "Princess Celestia, we have an asylum for people like him, don't we?"

"I can hear you, you know," I said, miffed not at the fact that they thought I was crazy, but that they thought I couldn't hear them.

"We do, my most faithful student. I suspect, however, that 'Inebriated Waffle' is telling the truth. Or at least, part of the truth," replied the Princess of the Sun.

"Gee, thanks," I replied sarcastically. "How about you, I don't know, give me a goddamn cabbage and we'll see who's crazy, hmm? If I disappear, I'm completely and totally sane while you are absolutely fucking bonkers. If I'm still standing here like an asshat, holding onto a cabbage with a stupid look on my face, then I'm insane and you fine ladies can do whatever the hell you want with me."

After thinking about the last part of my paragraph, I decided to clarify. "And by 'do whatever the hell you want with me', I don't mean sex. I'll stick with fucking members of my own species, thank you very much."

Celestia looked like she wanted to say something, but instead she shook her head, seemingly deciding against it. A bright swirling light erupted from her horn (gross) and a ball of magical, white light started to conjure directly in front of me. From the epicentre of the swirling vortex, something both magnificent and terrifying was called into being before my very eyes...

A cabbage.

I gingerly reached a single hoof towards the one thing that would return me to whence I came. I couldn't help myself as I did so, however.

"There are grown men that masturbate to each and every one of you!" I called jovially before I felt myself whisked away into blackness once again.

T R A N S I T I O N

I awoke once more to complete and utter darkness. It wasn't just any old darkness, either. It was...advanced darkness.

"Discord?"

Yes, Waffle?

"Where the hell am I?"

You're in the purgatory between Universes. I can't just teleport you willy-nilly back to your own dimension: you have to get cached like everybody else.

I didn't even bother asking what being 'cached' meant. "So my quest for cabbage is done? I'm going home now?"

Yes. Your Quest has come to an end: I keep my word when I give it. You just have to wait for that little progress bar to finish, and then you'll be back home in your dirty apartment.

"Hey...alright, yeah, it's pretty dirty. So I am going to get my mind wiped like in Men In Black?"

Discord made a 'Pff!' sound. Why bother? No one will believe you if you told them. 'I went to Equestria! Honest!' Sure, good luck with that. Only tens of thousands of other people have stories similar to yours.

"But...but mine's true!"

And how are you going to prove it?

"...Point taken." I looked above me. Or it could've been beneath me. Hard to tell directions in absolute darkness. The progress bar was nearing its full capacity. "I guess this is goodbye then, Discord."

Indeed.

"I'll be the first to admit it: that was probably the most fun I've had in a while. Good luck in all of your future endeavours in trolling."

Oh, I will. Have fun writing your story.

"How did you-?"

Goodbye, Inebriated Waffle.

T R A N S I T I O N

I woke up in my leather gaming chair. All of my limbs and appendages were of the proper paleness and species. I really hope that wasn't an overly complicated dream.

I checked my alarm clock on the side of my desk. 12:34pm. My eyes were drawn to the computer screen. More specifically, to error message that was displayed in the center.

UNEXPECTED ERROR: 1N3BR1A73D.W4FFL3.discord.exe is missing. Shutdown imminent.

I smiled. I had confirmation that my very strange adventure in Equestria wasn't some extremely vivid hallucination.

I clicked 'Cancel' on the error message and went to a fresh Microsoft Word Document. We'll see who believes me and who doesn't, Discord, I thought as I began typing.

Author's Note:

Aaaaand done!

Comments

[McPoopin]

But what of the ponies? I'm guessing something similar to this.

[Divide]

1872786

If I disappear, I'm completely and totally sane while you are absolutely fucking bonkers.

I guess they're nuts now.

[Anubis Nox]

Hahahaah. Good job with this story it was very comedic and enjoyable.

Take 5 out of 5 moustaches

[Lucky Alchemist]

*Saw the Title*
" LIKE CABBAGE!... A MEDUL... CABBAGE MEDUL!"
and the second thought,
"NOT MY CABBAGE CORP.!"

[SoulfulSymmetry]

This chapter bent me over a kitchen stool and did unspeakable things. Thank Celestia it's finally over.

[Null_Void]

OMFG THIS MADE MY ENTIRE DAY THANK YOU DIVIDEBYZERO THANK YOU

[Shock and Awe]

hehe i liked this

[Totallyrandomdude]

This updated! NYRDHTRDHTRDHTTRHDGXTHRDTRJJYRDUTRDHFXHTRDGFDHGRDHGRDHGRD!

[ForeverFreest]

For a thousand years I've waited here, you fool
Waited like a troll, cuz I knew that you were just a stupid foal
Days were not so long, one thousand hours is fine
Space Camp is the worst, but no waffles I think I'd prefer a roll

Luna, Pinkie Pie, that's keen
Now I'll yell at you I'm so obscene
I am dwarf-ed, crap, now all my parts
Are not shaped right, which sucks cuz I have to fart

Gingerbreadless Pies and endless jelly rolls,
Twister is not bull, at least Dash thinks so, well, isn't this quite droll?
Can I have a cabbage, dammit, and thank you
Discord is a d!ck, get me back and give the copyrights to DOLE

[Chaotic Discord]

This was... advanced Darkness.

...
I see what you did there.