The Quest For Cabbage

by Divide

Chapter Pun: Much Ado About Cabbage

The Quest For Cabbage

Chapter Pun: Much Ado About Cabbage

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I woke up in the middle of the street.

I mean, really? Really, Discord? The middle of the street? You couldn't even leave me in a bed or something? Couldn't even rent a hotel room and leave an apology note. Cheap bastard.

I heard that.

Oh shit. Uh, sorry.

Well, at least I can scratch 'get chloroformed' off of my bucket list.

I received no reply, so I figured I was hunky-dory. That was, until I tried to stand up. I wondered why my legs weren't responding to my commands. I looked down. At my hooves.

Are you fu—?

Real—?

...

Of all the bullshit scenarios, this had to be the most clichéd motherfucking thing to happen. What was next? Would I mysteriously get amnesia and grow wings?

Well, I couldn't go and make you into a fire-breathing parasprite hell-bent on world domination, now could I? That wouldn't be cliché enough.

You're a dick, Discord, you know that? You're a dick. Dick-cord.

Don't get all testy with me, he replied. I had to hand—hoof it to him there: That was pretty clever. You're the one who filled out the transformation forms, remember?

Oh deities above and below. No, anything but that!

I looked down at my perfectly golden brown chest. I flopped over onto my side and looked at where my cutie mark was imprinted onto my ass. Well, technically, it was my flank now, but to hell with it!

My cutie mark was an abomination: It should be taken out to pasture and shot. I mean, seriously? What the fuck was that even supposed to mean?

Don't look at me, you came up with the name.

I stared at my laughable cutie mark. It was a waffle leaning up against a pitcher of beer. How fucking appropriate.

I was at a loss for words.

Oh yes. There is one more thing I need to mention.

Go to hell. And while you're there, tell my step-mother that I hate her.

You need to find a cabbage to leave. Happy questing!

Wait, what?! A fucking cabbage? What does that have to do with anything?!

My question hung in the air and remained unanswered.

"Discord!" I screamed rather dramatically.

My overly dramatic death scream was interrupted when a blue coloured unicorn walked up to me and asked in a familiar voice, "Who are you yelling at?"

"You know, the god of chaos. And apparently cabbage. Nothing major. What do you want?"

The azure unicorn was obviously confused by my response. She—I could tell, don't ask how; blame the ponification—blinked several times, as if I was the crazy pony.

"What do you mean, what do I want? Why are you yelling and lying down in the middle of the street?"

I stroked my imaginary beard with my worse-than-useless hooves. "Well, you see... I have no idea why.

"Well, aside from somegod being a lazy fucknut," I continued, somewhat testily. Thankfully, Discord refrained from popping my eardrums by responding.

"Wh—I don't—What?!" stammered the unicorn with a look of sheer confusion plastered on her face.

I waved her question aside with the flick of my hoof. "You don't need to know. What I need to know, however, is how the hell I'm going to find some cabbage when I don't know how to even fucking walk."

If possible, this seemed to confuse her even more. "What? You don't know how to walk? And what does cabbage have to do with anything?"

"That's what I said! I've never seen anyone ever eat a bloody cabbage in Equestria, so where the heck am I going to find some?"

The blue unicorn opened her mouth to say something but seemed to decide against it. I didn't blame her. Sighing, she asked, "Are you drunk?"

I opened my mouth to make a witty comeback, but I ended up promptly closing it again. For all I knew, I was hallucinating this entire thing. Man, that headache was killing me. "Possibly... If anything, I feel like I have a hangover."

"That would explain why you don't know how you got here. You were probably up late partying last night, and slept through the day," explained the unicorn. "Except... that doesn't explain why nopony else stopped to help you..."

I snorted, something that was much easier to do as a pony. "I know exactly how I got here. What I don't know is how I'm going to go anywhere with no freaking leg control!"

The pony raised an eyebrow. "Don't you know any spells for that?"

Oh yeah. Right. The whole 'being a unicorn' thing. People always said I was a dickhead, so now I suppose having a phallic object attached to my skull made their insults rather accurate. The only problem was that I had no idea how to use my horn, nor whatever magic was stored within.

"No, no I don't know any spells for that," I replied.

Sighing, the pony asked, "What's your name? Maybe we can get some help from your relatives?"

I looked at my joke of a cutie mark with disdain. "I'll give you one hint towards my name: It's written on my ass."

The unicorn looked confused. Shocking, I know. Rolling my eyes, I clarified. "Look at my bloody cutie mark." The unicorn trotted over and observed my flank, which sounded a lot dirtier than it actually was.

"Is that a waffle and... a pitcher of beer? What does that have to do with your name?"

"Surprisingly, much more than you'd think. Being the dipshit that I am, I decided to name myself Inebriated Waffle." Seeing the look of pure befuddlement on her face, I added, "But you can call me Waffle."

"I don't—I can't—

"—What?!

I sighed. "Don't think about it overmuch."

Seeing the continued incoherent mumbling coming from the unicorn, I figured that I had broken the first pony I met with a few minutes of conversation. The sadistic part was that I kind of enjoyed it.

I coughed, attracting the unicorn's attention. "I don't mean to bother you, but could you help this Waffle up? I don't want to get all soggy..."

"Yeah... sure..." mumbled the unicorn as she telekinetically picked me up and placed me on my hooves.

Incredibly, as soon as I put my weight on all four of my hooves, I instantly knew how to walk.

You're welcome. That'll save you six or seven hours of faffing about.

Uh. Thanks... I think...

I looked around me, noticing that I was on a somewhat damp, side street. Ponies of all sorts and sizes walked down the main road, but none of them came down the street I was on. I turned my attention back to the pale blue unicorn. Something about her seemed familiar...

No. It couldn't be.

I imagined her with an egotistical attitude and wearing magician's apparel.

My god. It was her. The fandoms lied! She should be at Twilight's, kissing ass and trying to redeem herself!

"You're her, aren't you?" I asked quietly.

The question brought the blue unicorn out of her thoughts. "Who do you mean?" she asked suspiciously.

"I almost didn't recognize you without your apparel. You're the Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon."

A glint appeared in her eyes. "You recognize me?"

I looked at her pale cornflower blue mane and her brilliant azure coat. "Nah, I thought you were somepony else."

Another blank look appeared on her face.

I didn't think they would be this sarcasm impaired in real life.

"Yes, I recognize you," I said, gritting my teeth. "Why do you seem surprised?"

She shifted her hooves and her face grew red. "Ever since Twilight Sparkle," she said with vehemence, "made a foal out of me in Ponyville not once, but twice, every town I've gone to as the 'Great and Powerful Trixie' has shunned my presence. I had to hang my cloak up in shame."

She started crying, which I found to be not helpful towards my current predicament.

"I had to go through several months of psychiatric help to get me to stop referring to myself in third person," she sniffed. "After my ego was cured, I didn't have anywhere to go, so I decided to stay here in Canterlot. I've been here ever since."

Well fuck. There went any notion of this being a nice, straightforward, point-A-to-point-B affair. I wondered if all of the characters from the show were displayed in realism. Gosh, that was a scary thought.

"How long have you lived here in Canterlot?" I asked, trying to get some information.

Trixie briefly counted in her head. "Almost a year, including the time I spent getting help." In a quiet voice, she added, seemingly to herself, "Six months since Twilight became a princess."

Oh buck. Buck me sideways. What madness could have happened in a year? Inadvertently, I thought about how much damage Pinkie Pie could cause in a single day. Terrifying chills wracked my new body as I thought of the implications.

Not only that, but Twilight was an alicorn! Fuck!

I mentally counted to ten in a bid to calm myself. Slowly and deliberately, I asked, "Do you know where I can find a head of cabbage?"

"Why do you need cabbage? What good would that do? You seem to have some pretty severe problems..."

Because the god of Chaos and patron of all things illogical put me here and the only way to get out is by finding a fucking cabbage!

Instead of saying that and digging my shallow grave into a full-fledged pit, I answered, "Because I do. Don't ask. Seriously."

Shaking her head, Trixie said, "Alright, forget I asked... Waffle." She looked at me as I trotted around in a circle, marvelling at the ease of which I did so. "I thought you said you couldn't walk."

"I couldn't. I'm better now," I said, completely serious.

"But—Never mind." Trixie looked around before saying, "Look, I've got to get home. Do you need me to get someone for you? I can't just leave you in the middle of the street."

"Oh, don't worry," I began, "I intend to get the fuck outta Dodge as quickly as I possibly can." I raised a hoof to my chin in thought. "Before you go, would you mind telling me the time and date? My watch kind of... isn't here anymore."

"It's Tuesday, about an hour before sunset," Trixie said.

Well, would you look at that! I've been bamboozled by Discord, transmogrified into a pony, trapped in Equestria, and I even met a very different Trixie! Oh, and my name is Inebriated Waffle.

I double checked my list.

Yep, it must be Tuesday.

"Alright, thanks for everything, I guess. Have a jovial evening," I said to Trixie while walking towards the busy bustling street.

I heard her say goodbye. She said something else, but I wasn't in the mood for finding out what. I briskly trotted onto the main street and took a quick look around.

Let's see. Where was I going to find a cabbage? A food stall perhaps? What the heck do ponies eat here, anyway? I remember hay, oats, carrots, flowers, and... that's about it. I really freakin' hoped that there's more to eat than that here.

I looked at my cutie mark again.

Damn. Now I wanted a beer and some waffles. Maybe later. If there was a later.

Now...

Let's find some thrice-damned cabbage.

Comments

[Crusadier]

This was pretty good! When i seen this update i was like: "...YES!"

Hope you continue!

[RaptorCalloftheShadows]

XD The last line is my favorite.

...Might be because I dislike Gilda dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Scootaloo_lolface.png

[Ranakastrasz]

Oh, This is going to be fun to explain. Vinyl might be reasonably well known, but Gilda, Probably not.

[TundraStanza]

*Spoiler alert for chapter 2*
Yes, Gilda. Do please shut up.

[A mess]

Yay for bumping into every other character of any importance to the show even though there would be countless ponies.

Granted if you want people to read your story you almost have to throw at least one background pony in to grab their attention but it still makes me snicker a bit how many adventures we put a select number of ponies through.

Also I can't wait to see how Gilda responds to being snapped at even if it is by some pony she does not know but does seem to know her... and how is waffle going pay for drinks?

[Divide]

1470934
Waffle paying for drinks? Perish the thought!
On a slightly more related note, Mr. Waffle will probably bump into damn near every character from the show in his cabbage misadventure.

[A mess]

1471012

Yay for epic adventures of insanity!
Just look out when you meet angle bunny, that rabbit has a mean streak a mile wide!

[destinedjagold]

"That sounds dirty no matter how I think about it."

ya think? xD xD

[Null_Void]

LOL shut up gilda