Chapter Too: Shenanigans
The Quest For Cabbage
Too: Shenanigans
Three hours. Three fucking hours of searching for cabbage.
I sat on a bench in the now-empty courtyard underneath the moon. It was more awkward sitting than Lyra made it out to be. I had gone through almost the entire city, meandering around rather aimlessly, looking for a clue to the whereabouts of the sneaky greens.
Discord, you are a complete asshat. Just throwing that out there.
Come now. You haven't even been here for a whole day yet! he said cheerfully, like he was rubbing it in. I couldn't in good conscience pick something that would be easy to find, now could I? That wouldn't be fun.
Again, I have to ask: Why me? Why not some other smuck that has better things to do? That sounds more your style.
Discord was silent for a short while. No particular reason, he finally said. Shouted, rather, but still. You had the right traits: an arrogant personality, almost no friends, a shoddy apartment—
Okay, you can stop now.
—a dysfunctional family, terrible in-laws, a low paying job—
For fuck's sake, stop! I know my life is shit, thank you very much. You don't have to remind me.
Sweet, blessed silence followed.
Alright. Can I ask a different question?
I don't know: Can you?
What are you, five?
Something like that. Just add a bunch of zeroes.
I pinched the bridge of my nose with a hoof. I had no idea how I managed to do that without giving myself a black eye, but I wasn't complaining.
So. Discord. Am I the only human here?
You could say that.
And would I be right in saying that?
I heard some grumbling from the god of chaos. Hah!
...Yes.
Fan-fucking-tastic. Oh, and please-oh-please tell me that I won't have to deal with any original characters, especially an O.C. alicorn or any other bullshit like that?
Correct. Actually, fun fact, I debated making you an alicorn for the pure fun of it, but decided against it. Even I know when something has been used too much.
Thank fucking Christ for that. So what am I supposed to do then? Find a cabbage? That's it?
For now, yes. Though I must say, your quest will feel a lot shorter if you troll people along the way. Like Trixie, for example.
I don't understand. How'd I troll Trixie?
Come on, don't tell me you're that oblivious to romance.
Wait, what? Romance? I don't know a single bloody thing about romance!
I felt Discord sigh.
You're a fairly descent looking unicorn who doesn't speak like he's from Equestria, and you're named Inebriated Waffle, for chaos' sake. Not to mention the fact that you were the only one to recognize her for almost a year. How do you think she feels about a mysterious pony knowing exactly who she was?
My eye started to twitch.
I don't fucking know! Why don't you tell me, oh troll-master.
Discord laughed. I saw a mental image of him stroking his magnificent half-beard.
Oh, you'll see. You most certainly see...
You know what? Fine. Be an information-holding asshat and don't tell me. See if I care. I'm going to go get wasted.
Have fun! Don't forget to say hi to the deejay for me!
I slid off of the bench and went in the direction of the nightclub I had spotted earlier while making my cabbage rounds. My headache still hadn't gone away. It was like I went drinking and missed out on all the fun parts.
I thought about that as I trotted along the cobblestone path. Maybe drinking alcohol would cure my hangover. There were certainly stranger things that have happened.
Fuck it; there was only one way to find out.
I arrived at the club some thirty-odd minutes later. I could feel the rumble of the bass fifteen feet from the entrance. As I walked up to the door, I was stopped by a burly earth pony wearing a pair of reflective sunglasses and a nametag that identified him as 'Brick'.
"Name and I.D., sir," Brick said while holding out a hoof, evidently waiting for something.
"My name is Inebriated Waffle and I don't have any identification. Where the fuck would I keep it anyway? Up my rectal cavity?" I retorted. I couldn't help myself.
The bouncer's face scrunched up in thought. I could see the gears in his head slowly turn as he processed each thought and deciphered each one of my words.
"Um... your name is Inebr—...Ineberiat—... Waffle?" he finally concluded. I had to hand—hoof, goddamnit!—it to the bouncer: He tried is darnedest.
"Sure, let's go with that. My name is Waffle. My fucking cutie mark is a waffle leaning on a mug of beer, not to mention the fact that I'm coloured like one." I motioned with one of my hooves to my perfectly golden brown coat, and my mane, which was maple syrup-coloured.
"Uh... I-uh..."
I shook my head and opened the entrance while the bouncer was still mentally occupied. I figured that at his current rate of processing information, I'd have at least half an hour before he realized that I snuck in without identification.
The nightclub was actually furnished rather nicely... for a rave. I was almost blinded by the cacophony of colours that flickered and wavered from the numerous spotlights and nearly deafened by the constant wub-wub of the voluminous beats from the music.
Christ. Raves here were almost as bad as the ones back home.
Squinting to adjust to the sudden brightness caused by the strobe lights, I stumbled my way towards the bar, the music vibrating my teeth. I shouldered my way through a group of dancing ponies, causing a few of them to fall on their haunches, dazed. Thankfully for me, they seemed to not realize exactly what was happening and continued swaying to the music on their rears.
In my blinded haze, I could've sworn that I saw a big, tall figure garbed in gold and purple armour at a table, playing poker with a bunch of stone-faced ponies. I didn't get a second look, as the crowd surged and pushed me through, causing me to land near the bar.
There were only three stools at the bar and two of them were already occupied. Well, one was occupied and the other was tossed aside to make room.
Naturally, I had to sit between them.
Grumbling to myself, I got to my hooves and squeezed in between the two drinkers. I ordered the strongest form of alcohol they had, which happened to be a clear drink that looked nigh-identical to vodka, only it was promised to be much stronger. After taking a sip, I confirmed that it did indeed taste like vodka, which was fine by me.
Unfortunately, I was unable to drink myself into a stupor in peace.
"I haven't seen you around here before. What's your name?" asked the pony on my left.
I turned my head, glaring at her for interrupting my first sip. She was a white unicorn, with a two-toned electric blue mane. Yet again, something struck me as familiar about her. Something about those sunglasses...
Aha!
"You can call me Waffle, DJ Pon-3," I replied, remembering who she was. I pronounced her name 'deejay pown three.'
She smiled, probably at the way I said her name. She scooted a tiny bit closer to me. "You're funny. I like that. Although, since I'm not actually DJ-ing right now, you can call me Vinyl Scratch."
I grunted an affirmative and continued drinking. I bent to take another sip of my alcoholic drink without hands or magic. It was really awkward. So awkward in fact, that the non-pony to my right decided to say as much.
"Haven't you ever drank something before?" she chirped.
I turned to my right and glared at her. "Shut up, Gilda."
The gryphon looked surprised, if not slightly affronted. "Do I know you?" she asked.
"No, but I know you," I replied, keeping my knowledge to myself.
"Oh yeah?" Gilda replied. "Who am I, then?"
"You are Gilda the Gryphon, once friend to the Element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash. Not sure what happened between you two at flight camp, but I'm not one to judge. You are extremely proud, overly antagonist of anyone who challenges you, arrogant in your ways, and probably ashamed of yourself after you were shunned from Ponyville."
I shut my mouth before I could say anything else. The look on Gilda's face was definitely not pissed beyond belief, nor was it directed towards me. Surely not.
Vinyl tapped me on the shoulder with a hoof and whispered, "You might want to not do that... she's a pretty mean drunk."
"A bit late on that warning," I commented offhandedly while preparing my body for being viciously raked and taloned. Hell, maybe she'd eat me.
"Who the hay do you think you are, pretending to know me?!" Gilda roared. And I mean roared, like a lion. "You have no idea what I've done or what I'm capable of!"
I thought about the episode that Gilda was in. I also thought about all the fanfictions about her. There weren't that many.
"I know exactly what you did. You threw away your best friend for no reason other than the fact that you were jealous. Which, if I had to guess, is why you're drinking your woes away. As for what you're capable of... fucked if I know. I don't know any gryphons."
The angry look that Gilda wore was replaced by sorrow and confusion. "How do you know about that? That happened... gosh. Almost two years ago." She sighed and took another swig of her drink.
I guess this wasn't the 'Oh woe is me, I'm so sorry for acting like a douche' Gilda. I had to admit: The characters I met so far were pretty much exactly how I'd imagine them after a year had passed. Hats off to you, Discord.
I don't wear hats.
Shaking Discord's voice out of my ears, I returned to my own drink. I spied out of the corner of my little eye Vinyl Scratch staring at me with something similar to... awe?
"What?" I asked.
"How did you know all of those things?" Vinyl whispered. "Gilda never talks about herself."
I shrugged. "Let's just say magic and leave it at that."
I figured that was a good explanation as any.
My conversation was interrupted by the griffin beside as she broke down into tears.
"I-I never... I never told her how much she meant to me," she sniffed. Gilda chugged the last of her drink, then waved over the bartender for a refill. "When I visited her in Ponyville, I thought that she would be the same... but no."
Gilda stared at the freshly refilled mug she held in one clawed paw. "I didn't realize it until later that she had changed for the better."
I had better things to do than listen to Gilda's sob story, no matter how heart-wrenching it was. Call me a bastard.
I padded down each of my forelegs with the opposite hoof. I make a tsk sound and said, "Sorry, Gilda, but it seems that I'm all out of fucks to give."
Gilda glared at me for a second, then clambered out of the club, mumbling to herself. I grabbed her untouched drink and slid it beside mine.
That's two characters broken so far.
Yeah, and both were a lot easier to break than they should've been. What gives?
I felt Discord shrug.
I didn't expect a more detailed response, so I returned to my drink once more. I thought I had the whole 'drinking without hands or magic' thing down, but my technique fell flat as soon as my alcoholic beverage dropped beneath half of the glass. I couldn't force my face any further in.
"You are a strange one," commented Vinyl Scratch as she watched me order a second mug when my first was still half full.
"So I've been told," I said as I started on my new mug. "I think of things as being half empty rather than half full."
Vinyl just shook her head, her mane shaking with her. "You are definitely a weird one."
I decided to change the topic of discussion. "So you work here? The last time I saw you was during the Royal Canterlot post-wedding party, spinning the turn-tables with Pinkie Pie."
She froze momentarily. "Y-Yes, I do work here. How do you know that? I don't remember seeing you at the after party."
"That's because I wasn't there," I said as I sipped my drink. I could feel my hangover going away with every sip.
Vodka! The new and improved hangover cure! It didn't make any sense whatsoever, but I'd take what I could get.
DJ Pon-3 narrowed her eyes at me. "Are you by any chance related to Pinkie Pie?"
"Fuck no. I don't want to be within a square mile of that psychopath."
"What did she do to you?" she asked.
"Nothing to me in particular, but to everypony as a whole. Think about all the things she's done, all the things that have no logical explanation whatsoever. Okay?"
Vinyl nodded, thinking.
"Alright, now count up all those things. How many have you counted?"
"A hundred and twenty eight. And those are just the things I've heard about," replied the DJ.
I nodded. "Now multiply that by ten thousand. That's how many things she's actually done, across all the universes and alternate dimensions. That's why I don't want to be anywhere near Pinkamena Diane Pie."
Vinyl shivered. I didn't blame her. "Alright, forget I asked."
We continued to drink in silence for several minutes, her downing shot glasses filled with some colourful liquid and me ordering a new drink whenever my face couldn't reach the liquid in the mug. I tried Gilda's drink, but it tasted like warm milk mixed with a cup of sugar. The silence was broken by my own curiosity.
"So if you work here, why aren't you DJ-ing?"
She smiled and said, "Well, technically I am. I put on a new record whenever it's my break time which gives me about an hour before I have to switch it."
"Hmm. Fair enough."
Another moment of silence passed before Vinyl asked, "So what brings you to this fine establishment, Waffle?"
"Cabbage," I muttered from inside my glass mug.
"Cabbage?"
"Yes, cabbage. Don't ask."
"Err, alrighty then." Vinyl eyed me as she drank another shot. "Uh, can I ask another question?"
"You just did. But sure, only if I'm allowed to ask you one after," I replied.
She nodded in agreement. "Why aren't you using your magic?"
"Because I don't know how," I replied.
"You don't know how to use magic?"
"That's what I said."
Vinyl Scratch was silent for a few seconds before shaking her head. "What's your question?" she asked.
I slurped up as much vodka-like substance as I could. "Pick up my tab for me? Thanks."
With that, I slid off the bar stool and trotted out of the club, leaving a confused deejay to pay for my drinks.
Stats
Page generated in 0.022 seconds
Total duration
701 users online
789,087 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Then, the trolling begins.
Man you churned this out fast. Hats off to you. (see what I did there?)
1472091
Quiet, you.
1472257
Don't hate me because I'm funnier than you. (see what I'm doing?)
Bahahahaha, I can imagine this straight to the featured page, I love trollfics, and I would laugh if he meets another human in that world who trolls hard too, but that would then lead into a crossover story.
Are you basing this off your personality DivideByZero? Also if you are I'm a mega troll as well :P
1472306
assets.diylol.com/hfs/61d/03c/b21/resized/joseph-ducreux-meme-generator-if-thou-wishes-to-commence-a-fracas-come-forth-and-proceed-to-a-notable-degree-of-proximity-brethren-9fe44d.jpg
1472365
No, 'Waffle' is not based off of my personality.
Well, not really.
Some things are, but most aren't.
Now that I think about, yeah, he kind of his.
Aw hell, he's practically me if I went into Equestria.
1472391 Same here :D Just different method of trolling would be involved.
The trolls, they have been doubled.
1472382
2.bp.blogspot.com/-gPe3nJKvBhY/Tkrlr57WlSI/AAAAAAAAAAs/Mvvhaqo7wxU/s1600/1_1.png
1472391
I'm sure you would be a little more respectful.... Right?
1472458
Not when I'm drunk, like I am now. And definitely not to any non-ponies.
As for the picture war:
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3x0x12iUm1rs5c0uo1_500.jpg
1472478
Ah yes, the alcohol strikes first at the not-giving-a-fuck centres in the brain.
Picture war, you say?
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7mvmwqJQ91rwgdwdo1_1280.jpg
pardon the French
1472515
Actually, that's Italian.
I wish this was true:
icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/advice-animals-memes-animal-memes-philosoraptor-dont-you-wanna.jpg
And in Chapter 3's comment section:
DivideByZero vs. TheDaringDone
...
In an unrelated note, cool chapter. That's three for three background characters messed with.
1472515>>1472478 popdose.com/wp-content/uploads/look-at-all-the-fucks-i-dont-give-theyre-just-falling-from-the-sky.jpg
1472554
Funny story that, it's actually German. Kerboom.
You're slipping in this war.
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/054/f/c/fluttershy_breaks_bear_neck_gif_by_brony_alex-d4qro04.gif
Soon you will be dust.
1472625
We're all dust already.
Oh and your fired
Have a nice day
Waffle...you magnificent bastard...I read your FANFIC! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/trollface.png
1472741
1473536
Which one?
1474619 :P I was paraphrasing Patton.
[youtube=AJXKVOxqkWM]
BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE
i would definetly be like this if i went to equestria