The Quest For Cabbage

by Divide

Chapter For: Exasperation and Indecorous Language

The Quest For Cabbage

Chapter For: Exasperation and Indecorous Language

The space that Pinkie cleared in a matter of seconds took me almost an hour of walking at a steady pace, but I finally made it to the bloody town. I took a quick look around. Nothing seemed out of order and nothing looked like it had changed from what I remembered Ponyville looked like.

Why does it look exactly the same? Shouldn't there be at least something different?

You would think so, but no. Miraculously, all the problems that befall this town magically solve themselves.

Shaking my head, I headed for the one pony that could sympathize with my predicament. I spotted her in the center square of Ponyville, so I trotted up to her.

"Hello, Lyra."

The aquamarine unicorn seemed puzzled by me. "Oh, hello! Do I know you?"

"I doubt it. Actually, I was hoping that you knew about my species. Does the term 'human' mean anything to you?" I said, hoping for her to bow down to my human-ness and treat me like a God.

That's rather shallow and pedantic of you.

What? That's what all the fics say about her personality, right? That she has an obsession with humans?

"Uh, no. I don't know what a 'human' is. Is this some sort of joke?" asked Lyra Heartstrings.

"That's fucking bullshit! Where the fuck do these authors get their goddamn ideas from?! Wasn't the whole obsession thing based on how she sat on a fucking bench in one goddamn episode?!" I yelled, not at anyone in particular.

"You're starting to scare me... Please get away from me," Lyra said as she backed away slowly from me.

Grumbling to myself, I went in the direction of the library. Maybe Twilight can magically conjure me up a cabbage. Or, better yet, she can teach me how to use my own goddamn magic.

I stopped abruptly at my statement. My God, that is so fucking cliché. 'Go ask Twilight for help with magic, I'm sure she doesn't have anything better to do'. Isn't that what every amnesiac motherfucking unicorn does when they first appear in Equestria? Go ask Twilight for help?

Well, not every single one, but the majority, yes.

Where do the ones who don't mooch off of Twilight go?

Why don't you think before asking me such questions. You know the answer.

I realized I did know.

Fluttershy's. Of course. But if everything else seems to be exaggerated, surely her kindness is too?

You are not prepared for the absolute purity of her kindness. She was the only one who could actually affect me any meaningful way.

Oh yeah. How's being reformed working out for you?

It doesn't.

Ah. I guess I should've seen that one coming.

I looked up at the pointy horn coming out of my head. A fat load of help it was. Its only use so far was as a can opener.

I continued on towards the Books and Branches Library, home of Twilight Sparkle. I felt a strange sense of unease as I approached.

Why am I feeling this way? Twilight's my favourite pony since she's just so adorkable!

Pushing my unease away, I trotted up to the door and... hoofed on the door.

See? Just like that, 'knocked' makes sense while 'hoofed' is just confusing. It sounds like I freakin' kicked the door rather than tapped lightly on it.

Getting no response from the patron of trolls, I waited for the door to open.

...And waited...

...And waited...

Just as I was about to damn the consequences and kick the bloody door down, it was opened by Spike.

He yawned and said, "What do you want? It's Saturday and the library's closed."

Goddamit.

"Actually, I was looking for Twilight Sparkle. Is she around?" I asked as politely as I could.

Another yawn from the baby dragon. "Do you live under a rock or something? Twilight's a princess now. She lives in Canterlot."

"Of course. Of fucking course. I only walked for three fucking days without rest just so shit like this could happen!"

"Are you okay, buddy?" asked Spike. "You don't look so good..."

"Tell me about it! Tell me all about how fucking terrible I look. You know why I look like this?! BECAUSE I WALKED FOR THREE CHRIST-FORSAKEN DAYS ALL THE WAY FROM FUCKING CANTERLOT!" I yelled as I stormed away angrily.

I know that you're behind this, Discord!

I'm not even going to claim my innocence, because you would somehow warp it around in that brain of yours that because I'm responsible for bringing you here, I'm also responsible for all the truly poor judgement calls you've made. Like not going to the Royal Castle immediately.

Fucking fuck-fuck.

I trudged onward to the cottage of the other pony that could possibly help me. Unfortunately, as I was beginning to learn, nothing was going as expected.

"Hey you! The golden-coated unicorn!" yelled someone behind me.

"I got no time for this shit, go away," I said without turning around. The pony did not go away, however. I heard the sound of hooves trot up behind me.

"Why were you so mean to my friend?" asked a female pony. I already knew who it was.

"Go away, Bon-Bon. This doesn't concern you."

She put a hoof on my shoulder, causing me to stop. "It does so concern me! You march back over there and apologize to Lyra for acting so rude! She didn't do anything wrong!"

FUCK.

I turned around and glowered at the beige mare. "Look deep into my eyes. Does it look like I give a fuck?"

Bon-Bon took a few involuntary steps backward. "I... don't know what that is."

For fuck's sake...

"It's a noun, verb, adjective, and conjunction all wrapped up in one word. The use and overuse of fuck in the everyday speech of many people has led, to some extent, to a lessening of its impact as an expletive. It is generally used as a derogative or an exclamation, or in other cases 'to fuck' means to have sexual intercourse with."

I wish I could have taken a picture of Bon Bon's face at that moment. It held equal amounts of terror, confusion, and curiosity. She blinked several times and then turned around and walked back in the direction of Lyra without a backward glance or spoken word.

Wow. That's another pony broken. I'm on a goddamn roll. Hope your keeping score, Discord.

Mentally patting myself on the back, I continued on the path to Fluttershy's cottage. On my walk there, I spied the greyish-amber coated earth pony that was Doctor Whooves. I wondered how many of the adventures that had been written about him were in any way valid.

His name isn't Doctor Whooves, you know.

Really? I thought that he was essentially the same guy from the Doctor Who series, hence the awful name pun.

Actually, his name is Time Turner. It's amazing what random and arbitrary connections some authors make. I believe he's simply a watch smith.

Alright, now I have to check that.

I walked up to him and asked, "Are you The Doctor?"

He gave me an odd look. "My name is Time Turner and I own Ponyville's watch shop. Why? Do I look like a doctor to you?"

"Goddamn it. Some goddamn consistency would be nice!" I said as I walked away from Turner and towards Fluttershy's cottage.

After I had gone, Time Turner looked around before whispering under his breath, "Note to self: watch out for that one. I think he knows..."

Comments

[Frank DuFresne (Doc)]

Must watch out for that one. I think he knows...

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[Crusadier]

[RaptorCalloftheShadows]

*jawdrops so hard it punches a hole thru the world* D:

[SoulfulSymmetry]

Very nice. I'm constantly surprised at how fast you pump these out.

Chuckled a bit at explaining fuck to Bon-Bon.

[Anubis Nox]

Why isn't this featured yet, I'm sure I saw it on the very bottom on the list before but am not sure, but this is definitely good enough to be put in top ten.

[Null_Void]

i had a small seizure while reading this