Chapter 2
It was morning. Soarin was still asleep after all the lucky stuff he did with rainbow dash last night. He woke up , he went to the
kitchen and there was pancakes on the table and it was rainbow dash who cooked it. "good morning honey how you slept lastnight" then gave soarin a kiss in the cheek. "Rainbow you made all of this"? "you bet your cute flank i did". "i thought
you suck at cooking" he said. "that only works on fanfic's" she said. after they all finish eating there breakfest, they went to fillydelphia, them and the wonderbolts are soppused to perform there. 3 min for the show to start. even twilight,rairty,fluttershy
spike,cutie mark crusaders,applejack,pinkie pie,granny smith and big mac who still shedding manly tears after the wedding and it been 5 days sence he been cryin. "congratulation you guys i alway knew that you both were going married one day"
said one of wonder bolt members, "show begins in 10 seconds" said the annoucer. then wonder bolts took of. "are you
nervous"? said soarin "what me no i just some feel funny after the last 4 nights" said the cyan blue pegasus. "after you" said
soarin "aw your such a gentle colt soarin but i think you should go first" she said, "no you go first" "no you" "no you". "how bout
this lets go together at the same time" said soarin "good idea" then they both flew. "cute butt" said rainbow dash then soarin smiled and blushed. "filies and gentle colts you waited a long time for this moment and now there here give it up for the
WONDEEERRRRRRRRR BOAAAAAAAALTSSS"! then the wonderbolts did there entrance. "hey applejack i could see dashie from up here" said the pink party mare "what" said apple jack "i said could dashie from up here" pinkie pie said agian
"i'm sorry pinkie i couldnt becuase hear becuase of big macintosh cryin over there" big macintosh was still cryin about the
wedding. "celestia darn it big macintosh when eyour ever going to stop cryin about that wedding" the show took like 60 minutes flat and now its time for the grand finale "fillies and gentle colts for the grand finale rainbow dash will be performing
a sonic rainboom *crowed cheers and big macintosh still cryin* rainbow dash flies in the air she dives down flaps as hard as
she can but then somthing gone wrong she some how got a hearth attack. she fell down in the ground the crowd gasp,
scootaloo was mostly shock, and soarin knew somthing was terribly wrong "DASH" he yelled in fear . "please i beg you dont
die i love you please dont, dont die" then he started crying . then the ambulance came. "where are you taking my wife" soarin
said in fear "dont worry mate we will be taking her to the hospital she will be fine" said dr whooves "why do you have british accent,equestria dont even have a british country" said soarin "will i dont know mate how about you ask my british human cousin dr who" said dr whooves. wait could i at least come with you? said soarin "ok mate just hop in to the vehicle and we'll be going now". then soarin got in to the back of the ambulance car and there was rainbow dash lying there uncounscious then
he grabs her hoof "please stay with me rainbow dash, please stay with me" then he sleeps
to be continued. well rainbow dash live, well soarin ever see his precious wife, why is dr whoove is british and when big macintosh is ever going to stop crying about that wedding
No caps in description...
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*Dives into fic*
You need an editor. Hire me NOW, dammit.
Not sure if trollfic or just very very very very bad.
One speaker a paragraph.
Punctuation should always be in the quotation marks.
Names of people and places need to be capitalzied.
I needs to be capitalized.
Pacing man pacing... jegus riding on a flying seahorse your pacing is fast.
Ya, I'm not going to do a full review right now... just saying this right now but I suggest you flag down the nearest editor and beg them for help.
Welp, I'm going to come back here in a bit and do a proper review. Be right back.
What if you knew how to write a fanfic?
Long live boston celtics
1501904>>1501889
Who? And shouldn't they be capitalized. Boston Celtics?
*Sniffs air*
I smell a foul odor, one reminiscent of a troll.
1501889
Tactical dislikes incoming!
First fanfic and i know it sucked :(
1501933
Alright:
Pick up a book.
Look in the book.
Look at your story.
See anything different with how the book is formatted?
Want me to spoil chapter 3
Okay, I somehow lived through chapter 2. What the fuck? This isn't the Indy 500, this is a story.
goodnight and godbless :)
To those who want a translation:
That is sort of what it should look like. But you still haven't corrected the 50 plus spelling errors, missed caps, wrong words used, etc etc.
1501841 "Punctuation should always be in the quotation marks": except colons and semicolons.
Then you would have good grammar?
Is this a joke?
You're lucky that I'm in a good mood from watching "Pop Rocket Episode 1" (courtesy of Olan Rogers, aka THE BEST PERSON ALIVE RIGHT NOW) or else I would freakin' explode on this story.
But yeah, it's pretty bad. I'm fairly certain it's a trollfic, mainly from all the references. Big Mac's manly tears? Rainbow Dash's lesbianism? Spitfire being a priest? The terrible grammar? Aquaman!?
One major beef was how emberassed Soarin' was for crying in front of Rainbow Dash. He shouldn't be emberassed! The love of his life just agreed to marry him. If that were me, I would bawl like I did to "A Summer Twilight", which is a great story by the way. You guys should go check it out.
But yeah...I'm calling trollfic. Of course, everyone else has called trollfic.
...
I spelled "embarassed" wrong, didn't I? ...
1501933
Sigh, the worst of excuses. Well, you earned it:
djotter.blossers.net/Degree500px.gif
1502154
"embarrassed".
Fuck this I'm done
1501959
This might not be intended as a trollfic, but the author is sure acting like one.
1502317
Dat coincidence.
Well, let's not waste any time with little things like setting and description. Oh, and it's 'will,' not 'well.' You confuse those two a lot.
Oh, I'm TWE's Scribblestick, by the way. Just dropping by to give you my two cents.
Okay. One speaker per paragraph, space after any punctuation, indentations at the beginning of each paragraph or extra lines between them, and get a proofreader to help you with grammar, because there are far more problems than I care to address here.
Beyond the mechanical problems, you need to slow down and describe things, especially the settings. You should also build up to Soarin's proposal and spend more time with the wedding so that your readers can feel the emotional impact of these events. They fly by so fast that I almost miss them.
This is called 'pacing' and has to do with how quickly the story progresses. If you go too fast, the reader will get lost. If you go too slow, the reader will get bored. Yours is incredibly fast. I find problems with fast pacing can usually be solved by describing settings and characters (appearance, actions, thoughts, etc.).
Did she get one of those online licenses?
NO! NOT RAINBOW DASH'S FIREPLACE!
Yeah, I'm done here. Hope this helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE moderator
I laughed.
So hard.
This abomination needs to be cleansed from this holy site.
I said I'd be back and I meant it. Time to look over your second chapter. I'm going to try to take this paragraph by paragraph.
I must say though, you need to do yourself a favor and read a book that doesn't have a lot of dialogue. You NEED to work on whenever you start a new paragraph. I was reading though and it looked like you hit the Enter key at random. New paragraph whenever someone else talks and when you are ending a scene. I'll show you what I mean about that in a moment. But now, Onwards!
Let me try to clean this up for you and show you how I would write it.
I maneuvered some words around for you so it would leave more room open for conversation between the two. They just got married, so they should talk to each other!
One thing I've seen you do is not say who is talking. If you just have quotation marks on a sentence you need to say who is talking. Even just saying something like, "Rainbow said" is better than not mentioning who said what. It'll make for some confusing scenes.
Also, did you see what else I added. Capitals. I went through this chapter again and I could count on one hand whenever you correctly used capital letters. That....is not good. If you don't use capitals, the story will blend together and look like a big mess. I know I said this before, but it is really important for you to know this.
Since I'm running out of time, I'm going to take a longer section of this chapter and re-write it. Here we go.
Besides your pacing, you need to work on your indenting and your spelling. I'm repeating myself so you know what I want you to work on the most.
Did you notice the two things I left out? I took out Big Mac's crying because unless that's going to play a major part, it doesn't need to be in there. I also took out the sudden appearance of the Doctor, because he doesn't need to be there also.
I really hope that this isn't a troll fic, because with a little cleaning up, this could be a great story. My advice is to start over with different chapters, such as this.
Chapter 1-Soarin and Rainbow start to fall in love.
Chapter 2-After some things happen(you decide what) Soarin proposes to Rainbow
Chapter 3-The wedding. That could easily cover a whole chapter.
Chapter 4-The honeymoon, if you want them to have one.
Chapter 5-The show where Rainbow has a heart attack.
With this, your story is longer and can have more detail. That gives you more room to work with to improve on character development.
I'm truly out of time, but I hope my advice helps. I'll follow this and see where it goes. Hope I was a help.
twow443 out.
Review time! I know I'm late, but I tried making this last night and I went to bed during the middle. Time to finish this up and get the review out!
Title: Boring title. Yawn.
Description: No caps? Abnormally short with 1 sentence? Not good. We need something more in here.
Story: Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. "Chapter" needs to capitalized in both. Also, there less than 1000 words each. There's a non-written quality rule that every chapter must be at least 1000 words. You should abide by this.
Original story:
Now, since it's a wall of text and I can't review it very well, I'm going to split it up. No text will be edited, but it'll have a new paragraph every sentence so it's readable.
Green=Problem
Purple=Correction
Red=Recurring mistake that I won't give a full discussion on.
I put about 3 hours into fixing this thing. THREE HOURS. You have so many mistakes, it's unbearable for a long amount of time. You extremely need an editor. And I mean, extremely need it. You have so many mistakes, it's unreadable.
Well, I'm done. Those are most of the mistakes I've found. Just... get an editor and a proofreader, alright?
Well, I'm out! Hopefully you'll get better some day!
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1505836 Welp, when you do. I'll be sure to review it for ya.
does every body knows who knighty is?
1534980
He's the guy who owns and builds this website. So, yes. Most of us know who he is. I am, in fact, only here because he mentioned you in his blog today: here.
For starters, I'm going to ask this question: how many books have you read? If the answer is easily less than one hundred, just go down to your local library and start checking out novels and reading them. It doesn't really matter which ones, but it would help if they're ones you like. You won't be able to write well until you're familiar with what good writing looks like.
1509359
Dude, I hate to be this guy, but you really shouldn't be trying to help people, because you have no idea what you're doing.
Half of everything you "fixed" in that review is just wrong. Until you learn what grammar, punctuation and spelling are, you're only going to make people worse.
Last night is two words not one. When he said "Rainbow you made all of this"? The question mark is suppose to go inside the quote like this "Rainbow you made all of this?"
And in "you bet your cute flank i did". The y has to be capitalized and the I too, and the period is suppose to go in the quote. "You bet your cute flank I did."
Again in this one too "i thought you suck at cooking" he said. You forgot to capitalize the I and for got a coma after cook. "I thought you suck at cooking,"he said.
In this sentence "that only works in fanfic's" she said. You forgot to capitalize the t in that (again). The ' is not needed, because your saying it for all the fanfics. For got the coma after fanfics too. "That only works in fanfics," she said.