Chapter 1 a loving family
Soarin:"Rainbow Dash well you marry me. "YES"!!! said the excited Rainbow mare. "Really oh my Celsitia i knew you were going to say yes" said Soarin. "And i always knew you were going to propose to... are those tears of joy i see on your face? said rainbow smiling. "What no its its um... allergies yeah its allergies" lied the wonder bolt stallion. "your a terrible lier you know that soarin, i love you. "and i love you to rainbow more then anything" they both kissed. Meanwhile at the hall of justice the heroes found out that aqua man is a brony. At carousel boutique Rarity is done making Rainbow dash wedding "are you sure i should wear this? it doesnt look aerodynamic"said the bride. "Dont worry my dearest friend this dress is perfect for you and your husband is also going to like it' said Rarity then Rainbow Dash smiled and blushed at the word 'husband'. Hours later.
The wedding has finally begun Soarin stood there waiting for his bride to come. the wonder bolts were also there and so are Rainbow Dash friends, Spitfire is the priest , the cutie mark are now teenagers and so is Spike. Spike and Sweetie belle are developinig crush on each other. The doors open , Spike plays the wedding song with a piano, the cutie mark crusader holding in there mouth baskets in there droping flowers, and here comes the bride. This was rainbow dash biggest moment
this better when she did a sonic rainboom, when she save equestria from nightmare moon and discord, when she did a
sonic rainboom agian, when she dated soarin, and when she finally became a wonder bolt but this one is her biggest moment.
spitfire begin talking. "We are now gathered here for the wedding of". "Sorry captian but you think could skip to the end please" said rainbow dash. "ok then, soarin do you take rainbow dash as your wife"? "i do" he said grinning "and rainbow
dash do you take". YES!! she said replied quickly. "then now i pronouse you mare and colt, may you kiss the bride". they both kissed. then every pony appluad and big macin tosh shed manly tears. "there the most cutest couple ever",said twilight "im going to miss her you think shes ever going to comeback" fluttershy said. "well maybe she'll come , but she have business
to do first with soarin". said rarity. "what busine - oh right" said apple jack, "next time i wanna to host the wedding party" said pinkie pie
Celestia and Luna looks at each other confused "now i thought she was a lesbi" "your not the only one confused my sister".
it been 40 min and big mac is still sheding manly tears
Man, I don't feel this story at all. I don't quite even know where to begin. It's late out, I should be in bed since I have school tomorrow, but let's just get this over with, shall we?
Okay, the grammar. Dear Zutara, I am such a grammar nerd, it isn't even funny, and seeing this made me want to crawl onto the floor into a ball and weep. There's no way to put this nicely, okay? Everything is just messy and disorganized. But have no fear, for TWE reviewer, Missy, is here.
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
To start off,
Never, you hear me, EVER write who is speaking as if this were a script. This is a story, and putting in Soarin' like that is pretty much forbidden in writing. Oh, dear, this is a bad start! First off, change it, too:
He asked a question, use a question mark. Spell "will" instead of "will." Also, go into a different paragraph for a different speaker. It makes it less clumped up. Do not use caps because they appear out of place, and don't use too many exclamation points.
... Oh my:
Why am I fixing the grammar like this? I don't know; I feel as if it will give you the idea of what good grammar and spelling can do for a story. But let's face it, even this doesn't help at how much of a fanfiction this is--and I don't even want to get into the second chapter right ow! Overall, grammar wise, it's sad. Spelling is in some cases off, punctuation is just as bad and is missing all over, and--I can't even explain it all, it's just not good one bit!
Story-wise, it's horrendous. There's no description of their relationship, how it started or the development of their relationship, nor is there anything we see in the beginning except them getting married. It's so sudden, like the snap of a finger. Plus, they feel so out of character--yes, even Soarin, who hasn't been on the show much. I just feel like he wouldn't be all "oh, I knew you were going to say yes!" It simply feels wrong, in my opinion. The story's pacing is really bad, because we don't get a details of wedding preparations or much of the wedding itself. Too fast, writer! Slow it down a bit, for goodness sake. You got from the proposal to the wedding itself in under 1000 words. That's not good. But... I'm going to keep trying. I know if I have faith, this story might not be so bad--
... Fuck this, I'm out of here. Message me if you want an editor, because this burns my eyes, and you could use the help. Very simply put. *leaves*
1501933 Take a look at some stories here with better positive ratings and see what they are doing that you're not. You will get a much better idea of how writing works when you look at those.
Alright, I read the first chapter. Lets do this.
First off, I learned that you should NEVER have any chapter be under at least 900 words. Most of the time it's just not enough room to create a decent chapter.
Second, EVERY time you start a new sentence and a paragraph it ALWAYS starts with a capital letter. NO exceptions. Also, PLEASE indent every time you start a new paragraph. I can't even start by saying how hard it was for me to figure out when it was a new paragraph.
Now onto the chapter itself.
Ummm, that is not a good start. For one, you had Soarin talk like it was in a play. Never do that. Secondly, it should be will not well
The main problem was that it's basiclly walls of text. You ALWAYS need to start on a new paragraph whenever someone else talks. You can't ignore that rule or you always will get walls of text, and get raked over the coals for it.
Since this is a shorter review from me, I'll be brief. You really need to work on your pacing. Trust me. You started the story with Soarin asked Rainbow to marry her. You could have easily extended this whole book by at least two to three chapters by explaining how their relationship began, or who fell for who first. You could even explain the wedding in another chapter.
The wedding was really quick. Whenever you are writing a important or dramatic scene, such as a wedding, elaborating is key.
Overall, this isn't a horrible chapter. Clean up your grammar, use quotation marks, capitals and spaces and SLOW DOWN. It might even be best for you to scrap this chapter and write a few more where you can elaborate on the finer details.
Don't give up. This story has potential. I'll take a look at the second chapter at little later.
Thanks for reading. twow443 out.
Big Mac may be shedding manly tears, but I'm shedding tears, too.
Wait.. nope, this is blood. Blood flowing from my eyes.
Page break, capitalization, and pacing errors abound.
Not sure if a troll fic or this is your actual writing skill. If it's the later, then I apologize for making fun. You should really pay close attention to 1501958 and 1502270 's comments. They pretty much nailed the board on the coffin. You've got a lot to learn, but that's okay. We all had to start somewhere, so just heed their advice and keep practicing.
"Rainbow Dash, will you marry me?" Said Soarin. "Yes!" Said the excited Rainbow mare. "Really? Oh my Celestia, I knew you were going to say yes!" Said Soarin. "And I always knew you were going to propose, too... Are those tears of joy I see on your face?" Said Rainbow, smiling. "What? No, it's-it's, um... Allergies! Yeah, it's allergies," lied the Wonderbolt stallion.
Now that wasn't hard, was it?
hello everybody this is celticfan i red my comments that said that this is a troll fic, will this is not a trollfic
i repeat this is not a trollfic it is just a regular fanific but i f****d it all the grammer up. it is my first fanific writing but dont worry i will make it up to you. i will make chapter 3 for all of you and im going to do my best not to screw it up good bye and god bless you all :)
Well, lets start, shall we? Soarin:"Rainbow Dash well you marry me. "YES"!!! said the excited Rainbow mare. "Really oh my Celsitia i knew you were going to say yes" said Soarin. "And i always knew you were going to propose to... are those tears of joy i see on your face? said rainbow smilingI like to be nice and to put fun comments and reviews, so lets see here. S-Scripted words?
Uh oh! That's not a common mistake in writing, but you know. Mistakes are magic, but the thing is you NEVER put :'s. You may only do that in a form of a script, or for an example for your story, but you never EVER put it in the story itself. Also, I like expression. Would you like a book that says "He ran down the mountain." ? I wouldn't. No details? No expression? That would call for a ! This has expression but I don't really think enough. You might want to change the beginning to this. "Soarin looked deeply into Rainbow Dashes eyes and finally blurted out, "Will you marry me?". That's beautiful expression. YOU are important. PLEASE show it! You do that by capitalizing your I's. Also, typo mistake! "Will" not "Well". I see Rainbow was excited, but it just doesn't seem right. I guess you could say good enough detail, but I really don't like how it just said, well, "said." Maybe this would be better. "YES!!!" Screamed Rainbow Dash, hopping up and down from excitement.. Eh. Common mistake here. You ALWAYS put the endpoints in the "s. Capitalize A please, TWO PERIOD RULE! You're probably like, "What?". It's true. Two period rule. Goes the same with endpoints. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh really?!??" Is not right. Only two. Same with this. "Well.. Eh.. Yeah.". It's mostly used on studdering. CAPITALIZE THE I DUDE! You are important! Capitalize S, and the R in Rainbow and ! on the end of the sentence. Case closed~
Lets play a game! I copy stuff from the book and fix it! Then I explain what you did wrong."What no its its um... allergies yeah its allergies" lied the wonder bolt stallion. "your a terrible lier you know that soarin, i love you. "and i love you to rainbow more then anything" they both kissed. Meanwhile at the hall of justice the heroes found out that aqua man is a brony. "What no it's, it's um.. Allergies? Yeah, it's allergies." Stuttered the Wonder Bolt stallion. "You are a TERRIBLE liar, you know that Soarin? I still love you, though. Rainbow Dash protested. "And I, love you to Rainbow.. More than anything." Soarin said with love. They both kissed.
Now. Capitalize A in Allergies, Capitalize the L in Lied, Capitalize the Y in Your- And make your you're. It's a conjunction. I made "terrible" capitalized just for expression. It goes either way. xD. "lier" should be "liar." Put a comma right after liar, put a question mark after Soarin. Only because that sentence was wrong in all ways, but I'm here to fix! Put "I still love you, though." After Soarin. Capitalize the A in And, Capitalize the I, put two periods after rainbow, Capitalize the M in more and put an endpoint. Add something. Soarin said with love, instead of Soarin said. You added a funny, but unneeded sentence. Please remove that, very funny though. I enjoyed it kind of. xD. At carousel boutique Rarity is done making Rainbow dash wedding "are you sure i should wear this? it doesnt look aerodynamic"said the bride. "Dont worry my dearest friend this dress is perfect for you and your husband is also going to like it' said Rarity then Rainbow Dash smiled and blushed at the word 'husband'. Hours later.
The wedding has finally begun Soarin stood there waiting for his bride to come. the wonder bolts were also there and so are Rainbow Dash friends, Spitfire is the priest , the cutie mark are now teenagers and so is Spike. Spike and Sweetie belle are developinig crush on each other. The doors open , Spike plays the wedding song with a piano, the cutie mark crusader holding in there mouth baskets in there droping flowers, and here comes the bride. This was rainbow dash biggest moment. At the carousel boutique Rarity, is done making Rainbow Dashes perfect wedding dress. "Are you sure I should wear this, Rarity? It doesn't look aerodynamic." Said the beautiful bride, Rainbow Dash. "Don't worry my dearest friend. This dress is perfect for you, and your husband is going yo love it!" Rarity said. Rainbow Dash smiled and blushed at the word, "husband". The wedding has finally begun and Soarin stood there waiting for his bride to come. The Wonder Bolts were there also, and so are Rainbow Dashes friends. Spitfire is the priest, the C.M.C were there all grown up, and so was spike. Spike and sweetie Belle were developing a crush on each other. The doors open. Spike plays the wedding song with a piano, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders are holding baskets in their mouths, dropping flowers. Here comes the bride. This was Rainbow Dashes BIGGEST moment.
..For now I'm just going to correct it.. spitfire begin talking. "We are now gathered here for the wedding of". "Sorry captian but you think could skip to the end please" said rainbow dash. "ok then, soarin do you take rainbow dash as your wife"? "i do" he said grinning "and rainbow
dash do you take". YES!! she said replied quickly. "then now i pronouse you mare and colt, may you kiss the bride". they both kissed. then every pony appluad and big macin tosh shed manly tears. "there the most cutest couple ever",said twilight "im going to miss her you think shes ever going to comeback" fluttershy said. "well maybe she'll come , but she have business
to do first with soarin". said rarity. "what busine - oh right" said apple jack, "next time i wanna going to host the wedding party" Please don't add all of the "Rainbow Dashes biggest moments" it's kind of a waste of time. Heres the correction.
Spitfire began talking. "We are now gathered here for the wedding of-" "Sorry, captain, but do you think you could just skip to the end?" Interrupted Rainbow Dash impatiently. "Okay, then. Soarin, do you take Rainbow Dash as your mare?" "I do." Soarin said grinning. "And Rainbow Dash, do you take-" "YES!!" She interrupted again, knowing what he'd say. "Then I now pronounce you mare and colt. You may kiss the bride. "They both kissed each other. Everypony applauded and big Macintosh shed many tears. "There the most cutest couple ever." Twilight said, amused. "I'm going to miss her.. She'll be very busy." "Well maybe she'll come over some time. She has a lot of business to attend to." Rarity said. "What busine- oh right." Said Applejack. "Next time I want to host the wedding party."
I really don't like the next part. It's kind of offending. It also is a pointless part, but I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to make it funny, but next time correct mistakes please!
Walls of text 'errwhere! Like what BlueMoon98 said, expression is the key here! Oh yeah,
You might want to take out the colon and replace that, how many times have you seen a fictional book that has a colon in it? None. Anyways, just take some advice coming from me. GET A PROOF READER.
Have a good day SIR.
I just ejaculated semen all over my computer screen because that was so fucking good.
No offense but this is a bad start, your missing missing some quotation marks, periods, and other stuff that is need and also quotation marks too. And you did a run on paragraph which isn't good. And you also didn't capitalized some words that were suppose to be capitalized, but I did love the ending with Celestia and Luna.
1502391 SAAAAAAAME