• Member Since 9th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 13th, 2014

celticfan


im a brony

E

what if rainbow and soarin were married

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 65 )

You need an editor. Hire me NOW, dammit.
:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

Not sure if trollfic or just very very very very bad.

One speaker a paragraph.
Punctuation should always be in the quotation marks.
Names of people and places need to be capitalzied.
I needs to be capitalized.
Pacing man pacing... jegus riding on a flying seahorse your pacing is fast.

Ya, I'm not going to do a full review right now... just saying this right now but I suggest you flag down the nearest editor and beg them for help.

Welp, I'm going to come back here in a bit and do a proper review. Be right back.

what if rainbow and soarin were married

What if you knew how to write a fanfic?

Long live boston celtics

1501904>>1501889

Long live boston celtics

Who? And shouldn't they be capitalized. Boston Celtics?

*Sniffs air*
I smell a foul odor, one reminiscent of a troll.

1501889

This was my first fanic

Tactical dislikes incoming!

First fanfic and i know it sucked :(

1501933
Alright:
Pick up a book.
Look in the book.
Look at your story.
See anything different with how the book is formatted?

Man, I don't feel this story at all. I don't quite even know where to begin. It's late out, I should be in bed since I have school tomorrow, but let's just get this over with, shall we?

Okay, the grammar. Dear Zutara, I am such a grammar nerd, it isn't even funny, and seeing this made me want to crawl onto the floor into a ball and weep. There's no way to put this nicely, okay? Everything is just messy and disorganized. But have no fear, for TWE reviewer, Missy, is here.

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1

To start off,

Soarin:"Rainbow Dash well you marry me. "YES"!!! said the excited Rainbow mare.

Never, you hear me, EVER write who is speaking as if this were a script. This is a story, and putting in Soarin' like that is pretty much forbidden in writing. Oh, dear, this is a bad start! First off, change it, too:

"Rainbow Dash, will you marry me?

"Yes!" said the excited rainbow mare.

He asked a question, use a question mark. Spell "will" instead of "will." Also, go into a different paragraph for a different speaker. It makes it less clumped up. Do not use caps because they appear out of place, and don't use too many exclamation points.

"Really oh my Celsitia i knew you were going to say yes" said Soarin. "And i always knew you were going to propose to... are those tears of joy i see on your face? said rainbow smiling. "What no its its um... allergies yeah its allergies" lied the wonder bolt stallion. "your a terrible lier you know that soarin, i love you. "and i love you to rainbow more then anything" they both kissed.

... Oh my:

"Really? Oh my Celestia, I knew you were going to say yes," said Soarin.

"And i always knew you were going to propose (You don't need a "to" in here. Pretty useless))... are those tears of joy I see on your face?" said Rainbow, smiling.

"What? No its--its, um... allergies. Yeah its allergies," lied the wonder bolt stallion.

"You're a terrible liar; you know that, Soarin? I love you.

"And I love you, too, Rainbow. More than anything." They both kissed.

Why am I fixing the grammar like this? I don't know; I feel as if it will give you the idea of what good grammar and spelling can do for a story. But let's face it, even this doesn't help at how much of a fanfiction this is--and I don't even want to get into the second chapter right ow! Overall, grammar wise, it's sad. Spelling is in some cases off, punctuation is just as bad and is missing all over, and--I can't even explain it all, it's just not good one bit!

Story-wise, it's horrendous. There's no description of their relationship, how it started or the development of their relationship, nor is there anything we see in the beginning except them getting married. It's so sudden, like the snap of a finger. Plus, they feel so out of character--yes, even Soarin, who hasn't been on the show much. I just feel like he wouldn't be all "oh, I knew you were going to say yes!" It simply feels wrong, in my opinion. The story's pacing is really bad, because we don't get a details of wedding preparations or much of the wedding itself. Too fast, writer! Slow it down a bit, for goodness sake. You got from the proposal to the wedding itself in under 1000 words. That's not good. But... I'm going to keep trying. I know if I have faith, this story might not be so bad--

Meanwhile at the hall of justice the heroes found out that aqua man is a brony.

... Fuck this, I'm out of here. Message me if you want an editor, because this burns my eyes, and you could use the help. Very simply put. :ajbemused: *leaves*

1501933 Take a look at some stories here with better positive ratings and see what they are doing that you're not. You will get a much better idea of how writing works when you look at those.

Want me to spoil chapter 3

Okay, I somehow lived through chapter 2. What the fuck? This isn't the Indy 500, this is a story.

goodnight and godbless :)

To those who want a translation:

Soarin:"Rainbow Dash well you marry me.

"YES"!!! said the excited Rainbow mare.

"Really oh my Celsitia i knew you were going to say yes" said Soarin.

"And i always knew you were going to propose to... are those tears of joy i see on your face? said rainbow smiling.

"What no its its um... allergies yeah its allergies" lied the wonder bolt stallion.

"your a terrible lier you know that soarin, i love you.

"and i love you to rainbow more then anything" they both kissed.

Meanwhile at the hall of justice the heroes found out that aqua man is a brony.

At carousel boutique Rarity is done making Rainbow dash wedding

"are you sure i should wear this? it doesnt look aerodynamic"said the bride.

"Dont worry my dearest friend this dress is perfect for you and your husband is also going to like it' said Rarity then Rainbow Dash smiled and blushed at the word 'husband'. Hours later.

The wedding has finally begun Soarin stood there waiting for his bride to come. the wonder bolts were also there and so are Rainbow Dash friends, Spitfire is the priest , the cutie mark are now teenagers and so is Spike. Spike and Sweetie belle are developinig crush on each other. The doors open , Spike plays the wedding song with a piano, the cutie mark crusader holding in there mouth baskets in there droping flowers, and here comes the bride. This was rainbow dash biggest moment
this better when she did a sonic rainboom, when she save equestria from nightmare moon and discord, when she did a
sonic rainboom agian, when she dated soarin, and when she finally became a wonder bolt but this one is her biggest moment.
spitfire begin talking.

"We are now gathered here for the wedding of"....

"Sorry captian but you think could skip to the end please" said rainbow dash. "ok then, soarin do you take rainbow dash as your wife"?

"i do" he said grinning

"and rainbow dash do you take". YES!! she said replied quickly.

"then now i pronouse you mare and colt, may you kiss the bride". they both kissed. then every pony appluad and big macin tosh shed manly tears.

"there the most cutest couple ever",said twilight

"im going to miss her you think shes ever going to comeback" fluttershy said.

"well maybe she'll come , but she have business to do first with soarin". said rarity.

"what busine - oh right" said apple jack, "next time i wanna going to host the wedding party"
Celestia and Luna looks at each other confused "now i thought she was a lesbi" "your not the only one confused my sister".
it been 40 min and big mac is still sheding manly tears

That is sort of what it should look like. But you still haven't corrected the 50 plus spelling errors, missed caps, wrong words used, etc etc.

1501841 "Punctuation should always be in the quotation marks": except colons and semicolons.

Then you would have good grammar?

You're lucky that I'm in a good mood from watching "Pop Rocket Episode 1" (courtesy of Olan Rogers, aka THE BEST PERSON ALIVE RIGHT NOW) or else I would freakin' explode on this story.

But yeah, it's pretty bad. I'm fairly certain it's a trollfic, mainly from all the references. Big Mac's manly tears? Rainbow Dash's lesbianism? Spitfire being a priest? The terrible grammar? Aquaman!?

One major beef was how emberassed Soarin' was for crying in front of Rainbow Dash. He shouldn't be emberassed! The love of his life just agreed to marry him. If that were me, I would bawl like I did to "A Summer Twilight", which is a great story by the way. You guys should go check it out.

But yeah...I'm calling trollfic. Of course, everyone else has called trollfic.

...


:moustache:

I spelled "embarassed" wrong, didn't I? ...

1501933
Sigh, the worst of excuses. Well, you earned it:
djotter.blossers.net/Degree500px.gif

1502154
"embarrassed".

Alright, I read the first chapter. Lets do this.

First off, I learned that you should NEVER have any chapter be under at least 900 words. Most of the time it's just not enough room to create a decent chapter.

Second, EVERY time you start a new sentence and a paragraph it ALWAYS starts with a capital letter. NO exceptions. Also, PLEASE indent every time you start a new paragraph. I can't even start by saying how hard it was for me to figure out when it was a new paragraph.

Now onto the chapter itself.

Soarin:"Rainbow Dash well you marry me.

Ummm, that is not a good start. For one, you had Soarin talk like it was in a play. Never do that. Secondly, it should be will not well

The main problem was that it's basiclly walls of text. You ALWAYS need to start on a new paragraph whenever someone else talks. You can't ignore that rule or you always will get walls of text, and get raked over the coals for it.

Since this is a shorter review from me, I'll be brief. You really need to work on your pacing. Trust me. You started the story with Soarin asked Rainbow to marry her. You could have easily extended this whole book by at least two to three chapters by explaining how their relationship began, or who fell for who first. You could even explain the wedding in another chapter.

The wedding was really quick. Whenever you are writing a important or dramatic scene, such as a wedding, elaborating is key.

Overall, this isn't a horrible chapter. Clean up your grammar, use quotation marks, capitals and spaces and SLOW DOWN. It might even be best for you to scrap this chapter and write a few more where you can elaborate on the finer details.

Don't give up. This story has potential. I'll take a look at the second chapter at little later.

Thanks for reading. twow443 out.

Meanwhile at the hall of justice the heroes found out that aqua man is a brony.

Fuck this I'm done

1501959
This might not be intended as a trollfic, but the author is sure acting like one.

Big Mac may be shedding manly tears, but I'm shedding tears, too.
Wait.. nope, this is blood. Blood flowing from my eyes.

Page break, capitalization, and pacing errors abound.

Rainbow Dash well you marry me.

Well, let's not waste any time with little things like setting and description. Oh, and it's 'will,' not 'well.' You confuse those two a lot.

Oh, I'm TWE's Scribblestick, by the way. Just dropping by to give you my two cents.

Okay. One speaker per paragraph, space after any punctuation, indentations at the beginning of each paragraph or extra lines between them, and get a proofreader to help you with grammar, because there are far more problems than I care to address here.

Beyond the mechanical problems, you need to slow down and describe things, especially the settings. You should also build up to Soarin's proposal and spend more time with the wedding so that your readers can feel the emotional impact of these events. They fly by so fast that I almost miss them.

This is called 'pacing' and has to do with how quickly the story progresses. If you go too fast, the reader will get lost. If you go too slow, the reader will get bored. Yours is incredibly fast. I find problems with fast pacing can usually be solved by describing settings and characters (appearance, actions, thoughts, etc.).

Spitfire is the priest

Did she get one of those online licenses?

a hearth attack

NO! NOT RAINBOW DASH'S FIREPLACE!

Yeah, I'm done here. Hope this helps!

~Scribblestick, TWE moderator

I laughed.

So hard.

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

This abomination needs to be cleansed from this holy site.

I said I'd be back and I meant it. Time to look over your second chapter. I'm going to try to take this paragraph by paragraph.

I must say though, you need to do yourself a favor and read a book that doesn't have a lot of dialogue. You NEED to work on whenever you start a new paragraph. I was reading though and it looked like you hit the Enter key at random. New paragraph whenever someone else talks and when you are ending a scene. I'll show you what I mean about that in a moment. But now, Onwards!

It was morning. Soarin was still asleep after all the lucky stuff he did with rainbow dash last night. He woke up , he went to the
kitchen and there was pancakes on the table and it was rainbow dash who cooked it. "good morning honey how you slept lastnight" then gave soarin a kiss in the cheek. "Rainbow you made all of this"? "you bet your cute flank i did".

Let me try to clean this up for you and show you how I would write it.

It was morning. Soarin was still asleep after all the lucky stuff he did with Rainbow Dash last night. As he woke up and started to prepare for the day, he smelled something coming from the kitchen.

He left the bedroom and went into the kitchen. Walking in, he saw pancakes on the table. "Rainbow, did you make these?" he asked.

"You bet your cute flank I did." Rainbow answered, walking over to him and kissing him. "Did you sleep well last night?"

I maneuvered some words around for you so it would leave more room open for conversation between the two. They just got married, so they should talk to each other!

One thing I've seen you do is not say who is talking. If you just have quotation marks on a sentence you need to say who is talking. Even just saying something like, "Rainbow said" is better than not mentioning who said what. It'll make for some confusing scenes.

Also, did you see what else I added. Capitals. I went through this chapter again and I could count on one hand whenever you correctly used capital letters. That....is not good. If you don't use capitals, the story will blend together and look like a big mess. I know I said this before, but it is really important for you to know this.

Since I'm running out of time, I'm going to take a longer section of this chapter and re-write it. Here we go. :ajsmug:

"hey applejack i could see dashie from up here" said the pink party mare "what" said apple jack "i said could dashie from up here" pinkie pie said agian
"i'm sorry pinkie i couldnt becuase hear becuase of big macintosh cryin over there" big macintosh was still cryin about the
wedding. "celestia darn it big macintosh when eyour ever going to stop cryin about that wedding" the show took like 60 minutes flat and now its time for the grand finale "fillies and gentle colts for the grand finale rainbow dash will be performing
a sonic rainboom *crowed cheers and big macintosh still cryin* rainbow dash flies in the air she dives down flaps as hard as
she can but then somthing gone wrong she some how got a hearth attack. she fell down in the ground the crowd gasp,
scootaloo was mostly shock, and soarin knew somthing was terribly wrong "DASH" he yelled in fear . "please i beg you dont
die i love you please dont, dont die" then he started crying . then the ambulance came. "where are you taking my wife" soarin
said in fear "dont worry mate we will be taking her to the hospital she will be fine" said dr whooves "why do you have british accent,equestria dont even have a british country" said soarin "will i dont know mate how about you ask my british human cousin dr who" said dr whooves. wait could i at least come with you? said soarin "ok mate just hop in to the vehicle and we'll be going now". then soarin got in to the back of the ambulance car and there was rainbow dash lying there uncounscious then
he grabs her hoof "please stay with me rainbow dash, please stay with me" then he sleeps

Besides your pacing, you need to work on your indenting and your spelling. I'm repeating myself so you know what I want you to work on the most.

"Hey Applejack, I can see Dashie from up here!" said the pink party mare.

"What?" Applejack asked.

"I said that I can see Dashie from up here!" Pinkie yelled.

"Ah'm sorry Pinkie." Applejack apologized. "I couldn't hear you because all the noise from around us."

"That's okay! The show's starting anyway!" Pinkie giggled.

The show was short, only around sixty minutes long, but it was filled with excitement. The Wonderbolts were truly amazing. Doing flips, turns and dangerous dives that most pegasi wouldn't dream of attempting, each moment of the show was filled with laughs and cheers.

As the show was drawing to an end, Spitfire flew into the middle of the arena. "Fillies and Gentlecolts, thank you all for coming! As our grand finale for this show, Ponyville's very own Rainbow Dash will be wrapping it all up by preforming a special Sonic Rainboom for you all." Everypony erupted into cheers.

Above the arena, Rainbow was preparing to dive down. Taking a deep breath, she leapt off the cloud she was on and dove straight down. Flapping her wings as hard as she could, she prepared to execute her special Rainboom. But suddenly, she felt a tightness in her chest. She tried to pull up, but the pain prevented her from doing it. The Wonderbolts saw her trouble and quickly flew off, to return with a bundle of clouds. Rainbow slammed into them, breaking her fall. She passed out as the Wonderbolts rushed her over to a ambulance

As Rainbow was put into a ambulance, Soarin leapt up into the back with her. "Will she be all right?"

"We think that she might have had a heart attack. Let's get her to the hospital." one of the nurse ponies said.

As they went on their way to the hospital, Soarin took hold of Rainbow's hoof. He whispered, "Please don't leave me."

Did you notice the two things I left out? I took out Big Mac's crying because unless that's going to play a major part, it doesn't need to be in there. I also took out the sudden appearance of the Doctor, because he doesn't need to be there also.

I really hope that this isn't a troll fic, because with a little cleaning up, this could be a great story. My advice is to start over with different chapters, such as this.

Chapter 1-Soarin and Rainbow start to fall in love.
Chapter 2-After some things happen(you decide what) Soarin proposes to Rainbow
Chapter 3-The wedding. That could easily cover a whole chapter.
Chapter 4-The honeymoon, if you want them to have one.
Chapter 5-The show where Rainbow has a heart attack.

With this, your story is longer and can have more detail. That gives you more room to work with to improve on character development.

I'm truly out of time, but I hope my advice helps. I'll follow this and see where it goes. Hope I was a help.

twow443 out.

Not sure if a troll fic or this is your actual writing skill. If it's the later, then I apologize for making fun. You should really pay close attention to 1501958 and 1502270 's comments. They pretty much nailed the board on the coffin. You've got a lot to learn, but that's okay. We all had to start somewhere, so just heed their advice and keep practicing.

"Rainbow Dash, will you marry me?" Said Soarin. "Yes!" Said the excited Rainbow mare. "Really? Oh my Celestia, I knew you were going to say yes!" Said Soarin. "And I always knew you were going to propose, too... Are those tears of joy I see on your face?" Said Rainbow, smiling. "What? No, it's-it's, um... Allergies! Yeah, it's allergies," lied the Wonderbolt stallion.

Now that wasn't hard, was it?

hello everybody this is celticfan i red my comments that said that this is a troll fic, will this is not a trollfic
i repeat this is not a trollfic it is just a regular fanific but i f****d it all the grammer up. it is my first fanific writing but dont worry i will make it up to you. i will make chapter 3 for all of you and im going to do my best not to screw it up good bye and god bless you all :)

Review time! I know I'm late, but I tried making this last night and I went to bed during the middle. Time to finish this up and get the review out!

Title: Boring title. Yawn.

Description: No caps? Abnormally short with 1 sentence? Not good. We need something more in here.

Story: Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. "Chapter" needs to capitalized in both. Also, there less than 1000 words each. There's a non-written quality rule that every chapter must be at least 1000 words. You should abide by this.

Original story:

Soarin:"Rainbow Dash well you marry me. "YES"!!! said the excited Rainbow mare. "Really oh my Celsitia i knew you were going to say yes" said Soarin. "And i always knew you were going to propose to... are those tears of joy i see on your face? said rainbow smiling. "What no its its um... allergies yeah its allergies" lied the wonder bolt stallion. "your a terrible lier you know that soarin, i love you. "and i love you to rainbow more then anything" they both kissed. Meanwhile at the hall of justice the heroes found out that aqua man is a brony. At carousel boutique Rarity is done making Rainbow dash wedding "are you sure i should wear this? it doesnt look aerodynamic"said the bride. "Dont worry my dearest friend this dress is perfect for you and your husband is also going to like it' said Rarity then Rainbow Dash smiled and blushed at the word 'husband'. Hours later.
The wedding has finally begun Soarin stood there waiting for his bride to come. the wonder bolts were also there and so are Rainbow Dash friends, Spitfire is the priest , the cutie mark are now teenagers and so is Spike. Spike and Sweetie belle are developinig crush on each other. The doors open , Spike plays the wedding song with a piano, the cutie mark crusader holding in there mouth baskets in there droping flowers, and here comes the bride. This was rainbow dash biggest moment
this better when she did a sonic rainboom, when she save equestria from nightmare moon and discord, when she did a
sonic rainboom agian, when she dated soarin, and when she finally became a wonder bolt but this one is her biggest moment.
spitfire begin talking. "We are now gathered here for the wedding of". "Sorry captian but you think could skip to the end please" said rainbow dash. "ok then, soarin do you take rainbow dash as your wife"? "i do" he said grinning "and rainbow
dash do you take". YES!! she said replied quickly. "then now i pronouse you mare and colt, may you kiss the bride". they both kissed. then every pony appluad and big macin tosh shed manly tears. "there the most cutest couple ever",said twilight "im going to miss her you think shes ever going to comeback" fluttershy said. "well maybe she'll come , but she have business
to do first with soarin". said rarity. "what busine - oh right" said apple jack, "next time i wanna going to host the wedding party"
Celestia and Luna looks at each other confused "now i thought she was a lesbi" "your not the only one confused my sister".
it been 40 min and big mac is still sheding manly tears

Now, since it's a wall of text and I can't review it very well, I'm going to split it up. No text will be edited, but it'll have a new paragraph every sentence so it's readable.

Green=Problem

Purple=Correction

Red=Recurring mistake that I won't give a full discussion on.

Soarin: Nope. Don't do this. It's not allowed to do this if you do it a lot. Also, It's "Soarin'", "Soarin" (needs apostrophe after the n). This happens throughout the entire fic, so I will not mention all of them, but remember it."Rainbow Dash well Should be 'will'. you marry me. Should be question mark and is missing ending quotation mark.

"YES"!!! Exclamation marks should be inside quotations, and some many exclamation marks. said the excited Rainbow Doesn't need to be capitalized. mare.

"Really o Needs question mark after Really and O needs to be capitalized.h my Celsitia Spelled Celestia wrong. i Needs to be capitalized. knew you were going to say yes Either comma or exclamation mark is needed after this, depending on how loud he said it." said Soarin.

"And i always knew you were going to propose to Wrong to; it's supposed to be "too".... are those tears of joy i Capitalize. see on your face? Need quotation mark at the end. said rainbow Needs to be capitalized, since "Rainbow" is just shortened Rainbow Dash, and also needs a comma at end. smiling.

"What no its its Need comma after "What" and "no", it's supposed to be "it's" for both of those, not "its". um... allergies yeah its allergies Fixed: "Allergies! Yeah, it's allergies." lied the wonder bolt It's one word, and "Wonder" needs to be capitalized: "Wonderbolt".stallion.

"your Needs to be capitalized, and it's "you're", not "your". You would not believe how much the internet hates these kinds of mistakes. a terrible lier Liar, not lier. you know that soarin Needs to be capitalized, with the apostrophe at the end., i love you.Needs quotations after the period.

"and i love you to rainbow more then anything" Many mistakes here. Here's the correction: "And I love you too, Rainbow. More than anything."

they both kissed. *Snore...* Not only does "They" need to be capitalized, but this is just blatant and doesn't describe anything.

Meanwhile at the hall of justice the heroes found out that aqua man is a brony. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! What the hell does this have to do with anything? Not related to the fic at all. Also, related.

At carousel boutique Rarity is done making Rainbow dash wedding Much fail. Needs entire sentence reconstruction. Correction: 'At Carousel Boutique, Rarity finished making Rainbow Dash's wedding dress.

"are Needs to be capitalized. you sure i should wear this? it doesnt "t" needs to be capitalized and "doesnt" needs an apostrophe between the n and the t. look aerodynamic"said Needs a comma after aerodynamic, and needs a space between the quotation marks and "said". the bride.

"Dont worry my dearest friend this dress is perfect for you and your husband is also going to like it' said Rarity then Rainbow Dash smiled and blushed at the word 'husband'. Let me just talk about this for a second. "Dont" needs an apostrophe between and n and the t. Need a comma after "worry" and "friend". "my dearest friend" isn't exactly a quote to be expected to come out of Rarity. The apostrophe after "it" is supposed to be a quotation mark. "it" needs a comma between it and the quotation marks. There should be a period after "Rarity" and then capitalize "then". Also, I truly doubt Rainbow Dash would blush at that. She isn't one of the most sensitive of the characters, so she really wouldn't.

Hours later. This is a very bad and boring transition. If you wish to even do something like this, use a colon at the end instead of a period.

The wedding has finally begun After this word, you must put in either a semicolon or a period so it's not a run-on sentence featuring poor grammar. Soarin stood there Need comma at end. waiting for his bride to come.

the wonder bolts Every word needs to be capitalized. were also there Needs comma end due to combination of 2 sentences by a conjunction. and so are Rainbow Dash Needs an apostrophe and an s ('s) after "Dash", since it's in her possession. friends, Spitfire is the priest Why would Spitfire have this job? She doesn't do anything similar. And besides, she's a girl. She'd be a priestess. Also, there shouldn't be a space between "priest" and the comma. This is recurring, so I'll not it with red., the cutie mark You need to capitalize "Cutie Mark" and add "Crusaders" to the end, since it's their club. are now teenagers and so is Spike.

Spike and Sweetie belle Capitalize. are developinig Spelled "developing" wrong. crush on each other.

The doors open , Spike plays the wedding song with a piano, the cutie mark crusader Needs an s at the end to become "crusaders", since there's multiple of them. holding in there Wrong there; should be "their". mouth Should be "mouths" since there's multiple of them. baskets in there droping Should be "dropping", not "droping". flowers, and here comes the bride. This is a run-on sentence; it is very clunky and needs to be entirely rewritten. Try putting this sentence into 2 or 3 sentences.

This was rainbow dash Both words need to be capitalized, and since it's in her possession, it's "Dash's". biggest moment

this better when she did a sonic rainboom, when she save equestria from nightmare moon and discord, when she did a sonic rainboom agian, when she dated soarin, and when she finally became a wonder bolt but this one is her biggest moment. Whoa whoa whoa. Major run-on sentence. You can split these all up into different sentences. There is also a lot of mistakes. Here's a fixed version; it look much better than your original one: "This is better than the first time she did a Sonic Rainboom. Better than the time she saved Equestria from Nightmare Moon or Discord. Better than the time she performed a second Sonic Rainboom. Better than the time she began dating Soarin'. It's still even better than the time she finally became a Wonderbolt. This is her biggest moment. It all leads up to here." Now, though this is fixed, this seems extremely suspenseful for this chapter, since it's only chapter 1.

spitfire begin talking. "spirfire" needs to be capitalized, and it should be "began", not begin. You constantly change tense. Stop that.

"We are now gathered here for the wedding of". You're supposed to put the period inside the quotation marks. However, since she got cut off before the end of her sentence, you need a dash instead of a period.

"Sorry captian Should be "captain", and needs comma at the end. but you think could skip to the end please Needs question mark at end." said rainbow dash. Needs to be capitalized. Also, actually doing this is probably one of the most disrespectful things you can possibly do. Ever.

"ok Needs to be capitalized, and "Okay" is considered better than "Ok". then, soarin Needs to be capitalized, plus common mistake. do you take rainbow dash Both words need to be capitalized. as your wife"? Question mark needs to be inside quotation marks.

"i do" he said grinning I needs to be capitalized, needs comma after "do", needs comma after "said", and needs period after "grinning".

"and rainbow dash do you take". "and" needs to be capitalized, "rainbow" and "dash" needs to be capitalized, and there should be a dash after "take" instead of the period (which is supposed to be inside the quotation marks).

YES!! Needs to be inside quotations. This is also about as disrespectful as the other quote. she said replied Get rid of one of these quickly.

"then Needs to be capitalized. now i pronouse You spelled "pronounce" wrong. you mare and colt, Should be a semicolon (;), not a comma. may you kiss the bride". Period should inside quotations.

they Capitalize. both kissed.

then every pony appluad and big macin tosh shed manly tears. "then" needs to be capitalized, "every pony" should a single word, "appluad" should be "applauded", "big" should be capitalized, "macin tosh" should be capitalized and a single word (Macintosh), and "manly tears" isn't much of a good term for fics.

"there the most cutest couple ever",said twilight "there" should be capitalized and should be "They're", the comma should be inside the quotation marks, and "twilight" should be capitalized.

"im going to miss her you think shes ever going to comeback" fluttershy said. "im" should be "I'm", there should be a period after "her" and add "Do" after it, "shes" should be "she's", "comeback" should be "come back", there should be a comma after "comeback/come back", and "fluttershy" should be capitalized.

"well maybe she'll come , but she have business to do first with soarin". said rarity.

"what busine - oh right" said apple jack,

"next time i wanna going to host the wedding party"

Celestia and Luna looks at each other confused "now i thought she was a lesbi"

"your not the only one confused my sister".

it been 40 min and big mac is still sheding manly tears

I am running out of patience for this... Well, the first word in every sentence needs to be capitalized, need a comma/question marks/exclamation marks at the end of every sentence, etc... Also, you have the characters' character change to your will. They are so extremely out of character, they seem like some other non-pony story with pony names.

I put about 3 hours into fixing this thing. THREE HOURS. You have so many mistakes, it's unbearable for a long amount of time. You extremely need an editor. And I mean, extremely need it. You have so many mistakes, it's unreadable.

Well, I'm done. Those are most of the mistakes I've found. Just... get an editor and a proofreader, alright?

Well, I'm out! Hopefully you'll get better some day!

fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/298/f/b/this_just_got_signed_by_goldeneagle159__by_goldeneagle159-d5iye41.jpg

1505836 Welp, when you do. I'll be sure to review it for ya.

Well, lets start, shall we? :twilightsheepish:Soarin:"Rainbow Dash well you marry me. "YES"!!! said the excited Rainbow mare. "Really oh my Celsitia i knew you were going to say yes" said Soarin. "And i always knew you were going to propose to... are those tears of joy i see on your face? said rainbow smilingI like to be nice and to put fun comments and reviews, so lets see here. S-Scripted words? :derpyderp2:
Uh oh! That's not a common mistake in writing, but you know. Mistakes are magic, but the thing is you NEVER put :'s. You may only do that in a form of a script, or for an example for your story, but you never EVER put it in the story itself. :pinkiesmile: Also, I like expression. Would you like a book that says "He ran down the mountain." ? I wouldn't. No details? No expression? That would call for a :facehoof: ! This has expression but I don't really think enough. You might want to change the beginning to this. "Soarin looked deeply into Rainbow Dashes eyes and finally blurted out, "Will you marry me?". That's beautiful expression. YOU are important. PLEASE show it! You do that by capitalizing your I's. Also, typo mistake! "Will" not "Well". :rainbowlaugh: I see Rainbow was excited, but it just doesn't seem right. I guess you could say good enough detail, but I really don't like how it just said, well, "said." Maybe this would be better. "YES!!!" Screamed Rainbow Dash, hopping up and down from excitement.. Eh. Common mistake here. You ALWAYS put the endpoints in the "s. Capitalize A please, TWO PERIOD RULE! You're probably like, "What?". It's true. Two period rule. Goes the same with endpoints. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh really?!??" Is not right. Only two. Same with this. "Well.. Eh.. Yeah.". It's mostly used on studdering. CAPITALIZE THE I DUDE! You are important! Capitalize S, and the R in Rainbow and ! on the end of the sentence. Case closed~

Lets play a game! I copy stuff from the book and fix it! Then I explain what you did wrong."What no its its um... allergies yeah its allergies" lied the wonder bolt stallion. "your a terrible lier you know that soarin, i love you. "and i love you to rainbow more then anything" they both kissed. Meanwhile at the hall of justice the heroes found out that aqua man is a brony. "What no it's, it's um.. Allergies? Yeah, it's allergies." Stuttered the Wonder Bolt stallion. "You are a TERRIBLE liar, you know that Soarin? I still love you, though. Rainbow Dash protested. "And I, love you to Rainbow.. More than anything." Soarin said with love. They both kissed.

Now. Capitalize A in Allergies, Capitalize the L in Lied, Capitalize the Y in Your- And make your you're. It's a conjunction. I made "terrible" capitalized just for expression. It goes either way. xD. "lier" should be "liar." Put a comma right after liar, put a question mark after Soarin. Only because that sentence was wrong in all ways, but I'm here to fix! Put "I still love you, though." After Soarin. Capitalize the A in And, Capitalize the I, put two periods after rainbow, Capitalize the M in more and put an endpoint. Add something. Soarin said with love, instead of Soarin said. You added a funny, but unneeded sentence. Please remove that, very funny though. I enjoyed it kind of. xD. At carousel boutique Rarity is done making Rainbow dash wedding "are you sure i should wear this? it doesnt look aerodynamic"said the bride. "Dont worry my dearest friend this dress is perfect for you and your husband is also going to like it' said Rarity then Rainbow Dash smiled and blushed at the word 'husband'. Hours later.
The wedding has finally begun Soarin stood there waiting for his bride to come. the wonder bolts were also there and so are Rainbow Dash friends, Spitfire is the priest , the cutie mark are now teenagers and so is Spike. Spike and Sweetie belle are developinig crush on each other. The doors open , Spike plays the wedding song with a piano, the cutie mark crusader holding in there mouth baskets in there droping flowers, and here comes the bride. This was rainbow dash biggest moment. At the carousel boutique Rarity, is done making Rainbow Dashes perfect wedding dress. "Are you sure I should wear this, Rarity? It doesn't look aerodynamic." Said the beautiful bride, Rainbow Dash. "Don't worry my dearest friend. This dress is perfect for you, and your husband is going yo love it!" Rarity said. Rainbow Dash smiled and blushed at the word, "husband". The wedding has finally begun and Soarin stood there waiting for his bride to come. The Wonder Bolts were there also, and so are Rainbow Dashes friends. Spitfire is the priest, the C.M.C were there all grown up, and so was spike. Spike and sweetie Belle were developing a crush on each other. The doors open. Spike plays the wedding song with a piano, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders are holding baskets in their mouths, dropping flowers. Here comes the bride. This was Rainbow Dashes BIGGEST moment.

..For now I'm just going to correct it.. :ajbemused: :ajsleepy:spitfire begin talking. "We are now gathered here for the wedding of". "Sorry captian but you think could skip to the end please" said rainbow dash. "ok then, soarin do you take rainbow dash as your wife"? "i do" he said grinning "and rainbow
dash do you take". YES!! she said replied quickly. "then now i pronouse you mare and colt, may you kiss the bride". they both kissed. then every pony appluad and big macin tosh shed manly tears. "there the most cutest couple ever",said twilight "im going to miss her you think shes ever going to comeback" fluttershy said. "well maybe she'll come , but she have business
to do first with soarin". said rarity. "what busine - oh right" said apple jack, "next time i wanna going to host the wedding party" Please don't add all of the "Rainbow Dashes biggest moments" it's kind of a waste of time. Heres the correction.

Spitfire began talking. "We are now gathered here for the wedding of-" "Sorry, captain, but do you think you could just skip to the end?" Interrupted Rainbow Dash impatiently. "Okay, then. Soarin, do you take Rainbow Dash as your mare?" "I do." Soarin said grinning. "And Rainbow Dash, do you take-" "YES!!" She interrupted again, knowing what he'd say. "Then I now pronounce you mare and colt. You may kiss the bride. "They both kissed each other. Everypony applauded and big Macintosh shed many tears. "There the most cutest couple ever." Twilight said, amused. "I'm going to miss her.. She'll be very busy." "Well maybe she'll come over some time. She has a lot of business to attend to." Rarity said. "What busine- oh right." Said Applejack. "Next time I want to host the wedding party."

I really don't like the next part. It's kind of offending. :applejackunsure: It also is a pointless part, but I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to make it funny, but next time correct mistakes please!

does every body knows who knighty is?

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He's the guy who owns and builds this website. So, yes. Most of us know who he is. I am, in fact, only here because he mentioned you in his blog today: here.

For starters, I'm going to ask this question: how many books have you read? If the answer is easily less than one hundred, just go down to your local library and start checking out novels and reading them. It doesn't really matter which ones, but it would help if they're ones you like. You won't be able to write well until you're familiar with what good writing looks like.

Walls of text 'errwhere! Like what BlueMoon98 said, expression is the key here! Oh yeah,

Soarin:"Rainbow Dash well you marry me.

You might want to take out the colon and replace that, how many times have you seen a fictional book that has a colon in it? None. Anyways, just take some advice coming from me. GET A PROOF READER.


Have a good day SIR. :pinkiesmile:

1509359
Dude, I hate to be this guy, but you really shouldn't be trying to help people, because you have no idea what you're doing.
Half of everything you "fixed" in that review is just wrong. Until you learn what grammar, punctuation and spelling are, you're only going to make people worse. :twilightangry2:

Chapter 3 is already made

1504252 Jesus, even you showed up to grace this terrible abomination? My god, man...

Back in action!

Let's take a look at chapter 3 now.

Soarin and Rainbow Dash were the b.f.f.f.l best foal friends for life. When there were kids they love to hang out together and
they want grow up together to become wonder bolts but what Rainbow Dash never knew that Soarin had secret chrush on her. Soarin's older brother is a captian of the wonder bolts, his name is Darklight. This all started when they at flight camp. Soarin
was very popular in flight camp every pony respected him, even the bullies respected him, but then this one time he saw a sonic rainboom, then he looked closley, he went outside of his cabin to get a closer look, he then grins at the most awsome thing, then a rainbow maned filly accidently crashes in to Soarin. Rainbow Dash then giggles a little and smiles, "sorry my bad, let me help you" she then grabs Soarin's hoof and pulls him up, "wow you look... familer" *cute gasp * "YOUR THE YOUNGER BROTHER OF DARKLIGHT, THE CAPTIAN OF THE WONDERBOLT'S". "Oh where are my manners, my name is Rainbow Dash, and what's your's. Soarin just stares at her, wondering how buetiful she is. "um... hello"? Soarin was done day dreaming. "Oh yeah im Soarin, and are your the filly who did all of this ? "Yes I am, say maybe it's best in of to impress the wonderbolt's" said Rainbow Dash. "Wait you like the wonder bolt's too" ?said Soarin "Hay yeah I do, I want to grow up to
be just like them. "So do I" said Soarin. "Hey we have a lot of common together." said Rainbow Dash "Im from Cloudsdale are you also from Cloudsdale"? "OMC!! no way yes i am"! said the rainbow filly. "Whats your favorite favorite color"? um I dont want to tell you" said Soarin shyly. aw but why, i promise I wont laugh if you say pink" pleading the rainbow filly. "Alright it's
... its *sigh*" Then whispers "rainbow" "What was that"? "I said rainbows" "oh" "I know it sound's awkard deosnt it" "It just I think rainbow's are kind of pretty and your name sounds really pretty with the name Rainbow in it" said Soarin. Rainbow Dash then grined and blushed a little. "You think my name is pretty?" "Well i think your Rainbow mane is kinda pretty" Then Rainbow Dash grined agian and her face is even getting more redder."Well I think your kind of cute to" She said to Soarin then he smiles and blushed even redder then rainbow dash."You want to be friend's"? asked Soarin "I think i want be best friends. Said Rainbow Dash. "That is the best idea" said Soarin "Indeed it is"said Rainbow dash

Oh wow...

I consider my self a grammar nazi, so here comes the wave of corrections!


Section 1: Spelling

You have the spelling skills of a dog. Now, I think you've spelled 'captain' wrong two times in this chapter, boy, if you're planning to get successful, you'll need to improve your spelling skills. BIG TIME.

Too lazy to do the rest.


:facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof: 5/5 facehoofs!

loving family is back in beusniss

I'm going to speak to you like an adult because I think it's necessary for you to hear. I'm not going to sugar coat this. You have no business writing stories at all. Up until now, this was the only story I knew that you wrote and it wasn't very good. You received loads of advice from writers better than you who took the time and the effort to parse your story and to tell you what needed to be done. You ignore all of that and post this garbage with the same issues, same crappy spelling, same fucked up structure and absolutely no narrative flow. So lesson not learned.

Then I last night there was your story that was ripped off from "Uncharted". You did the right thing and pulled it down.

Then I actually read through the comments, checked out the link to knighty's blog and found the first... thing you tried to post. Yeah. That wasn't even funny in an ironic sense. You just went for something completely offensive and totally without merit. It's obvious from all this that you're not taking this seriously.

Half of my brain was completely damaged after reading this.Dude, if you want to write stuff, go ahead.But first you'll need to go to school.This fanfic is really bad.And I never say a fanfic is bad.

1680335

*Business

What grade are ya in bud? 1st?

I believe we are in the presence of the greatest troll in the history of EVER. Sir if this was your intention than you deserve an award :rainbowkiss:

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