The Birth of a Beautiful Friendship
The automatic sliding doors parted to make way. A unicorn mare was being pushed inside in a wheel chair. She let out a groan of pain as she made her way in. Her name was Dazzle and she had just gone into labor.
“Relax honey, you’re doing just fine.” Her husband said as she pushed her.
“Oh, shut up Orion just get me to the painkillers.” she said between her screams.
She wrapped her hooves around her enlarged belly are she was rolled inside.
“Can we get a doctor, please?” Orion said as he pushed his wife into the lobby.
Following behind them was a white unicorn colt. He slowly walked behind them as he too made his way into the hospital. He wasn’t happy, not happy at all. In the weeks leading up to this, it had seemed like his parents hadn’t said five words to him. All that anyone had done was about the foal. The colt’s name was Shining Armor.
Orion pushed the wheelchair to the receptionist desk.
“Help my wife has gone into labor!” Orion more or less screamed.
The mare behind the desk press a button on her phone and spoke into the speaker.
“Doctor Red Cross to the delivery ward. Doctor Red Cross to the delivery ward.”
The mare then opened a file a pulled out a form.
“There’s a little information I need to you two to fill out first.” The mare said handing Orion some papers.
“Can’t it possibly wait?” Dazzle said, holding back tears.
“Sorry it’s required.” The mare at the front desk said.
Orion levitated a quill and began to furiously fill out the forms. Dazzle let out another scream as she grabbed her belly. Orion finished with the paper and handed them back to her. At that moment, a nurse came and escorted the wheel care
into the operating area.
Orion looked back to his son who was sitting in the lobby reading comics.
“Shining come on.” Orion called out to him.
Shining shot his dad a glare and went back to reading his comic.
Orion trotted over to him and wrapped a hoof around his shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” Orion said.
“I just wish a day could go by without hearing about that stupid foal.” Shining said with his hooves folded.
“I know it seems like you haven’t gotten any attention, I’m truly sorry. It’s just that you mother and I just need to make everything ready for our family.”
Shining just sighed and said “Whatever.”
Orion became angry with his son but knew he was needed elsewhere.
Shining went back to reading his comic book.
Dazzle was being rushed into another room.
“How far till the room?” Dazzle screamed as the foal in her rocked and rolled.
“It’s just up here."
Orion was suddenly back at her side.
“How are you doing?” He asked as he trotted along at her side.
Dazzle just screamed and Orion got the picture.
The nurse that had been pushing the wheel chair brought them into a room. She was given a hospital gown to dress into.
She was pushed up to the bed and Orion and the nurse lifted her onto the bed.
“Please nurse, can I get some painkillers?” Dazzle pleaded.
The nurse moved over to an IV bag and loaded it with painkillers. The nurse than ran a tube from the bag that ended in a needle. She took the needle and inserted it into Dazzle’s hoof.
She winced a little as the needle entered her but then relaxed as the soothing feeling of the medication was starting to take its affect.
“Dazzle are you gonna be alright while I step out for a moment?” Orion asked.
Dazzle nodded slowly.
Orion followed the nurse back into the hallway. She showed him to a closet containing sterile masks, gloves and jackets. Orion got suited up and returned to his wife.
The medication was starting to wear off and Dazzle’s pain was returning.
“Orion she’s coming” she said grabbed his hoof and squeezed.
Orion tried to comfort his wife as she strained. He took a rag and wiped it across her forehead. A few tears flowed down her cheek.
“You’re doing just fine.” Orion said.
“If… you ever…. get me….pregnant again…I swear….I will cut you.” Dazzle said furiously.
Dazzle breathed quickly and squeezed Orion’s hoof as hard as she possibly could. At that moment a doctor entered the room. He came in holding a file.
“Alright Dazzle, how are you doing?” Doctor Red Heart said as he came to Dazzle’s side.
“AAAHHHHHH” Dazzle said as she let out a terrifying scream.
“Alright I’ll take that as okay. Alright Dazzle I’m going to have to ask you to spread your legs.”
Dazzle didn’t say anything in defiance. She placed her legs onto the pedals of the chair and tried to relax. Orion grasped his wife’s hoof.
“Okay Dazzle, I need you to push.” Red Cross said.
Dazzle tried to push but tired herself out and began to breathe heavily.
“Okay push Dazzle.” Red Cross said again.
Dazzle tried once again.
“Come on honey you can do this, I know you can.” Orion said.
Dazzle cried and moaned as she tried to expel the foal.
“Are you ready to try again?” Red Cross asked.
Dazzle slowly nodded and strained as she continued to push.
The doctor backed up a little and lifted up the front of her gown.
“Alright I can see the head, you are doing great.” Red Cross said.
Orion came beside him and looked as well.
“Oh god.” He said returning to his wife.
“I don’t ever wanna think about that ever again.” Orion said on the verge of vomiting.
“Okay Dazzle, were almost done. Just give me one more push and I think you’ll be all done.” Red Cross said lowering his
hooves.
“AAAAHHHHHHHH” Dazzle yelled as she gave a final push.”
This was followed by the sound of weak crying.
Dazzle continued to breathe heavily but was relieved that it was finally over.
“Would you like to cut the cord?” Red Cross asked Orion.
Orion nodded and levitated a pair of scissors and snipped the umbilical cord.
Red Cross picked up a something wrapped in a blanket.
“Congratulations, it’s a beautiful little filly.” He said.
He handed the blanket wrapped filly to Orion.
Orion brought her to Dazzle who took her in her arms.
“Oh my goodness, she is so beautiful.” Dazzle said.
Orion kissed his wife and looked down at his new daughter. Her coat was lavender and her mane was multiple streaks of purple.
Red Cross picked up a form and asked. “Do you have a name picked out for your daughter?”
Orion and Dazzle looked at one another.
“We’re going to name her after my grandmother, Twilight Sparkle.” Dazzle said nuzzling her daughter.
Back in the waiting room, Shining Armor had fallen asleep. He suddenly felt a tugging on his hoof. He slowly opened his eyes to see his dad looming over him.
“Would you like to meet your baby sister?” He said.
“Ehh, why not?” Shining Armor said standing up and following him back to the delivery room.
Dazzle was holding Twilight in her hooves when Orion and Shining walked in.
“Shining this is your baby sister Twilight.” Orion said. Shining bleakly walked over and looked at the sleeping foal. His facial expression suddenly changed from a look of boredom to a face of pure innocence. He didn’t know what to say.
“Can I….hold her?” Shining asked.
His answer was met when he was handed the sleeping Twilight.
Shining sat in a chair and looked over his sister.
“Uh hi, I’m your brother Shining Armor.” Shining said nervously.
The little filly slowly opened her eyes and looked up at her brother. She yawned and smiled at him.
“We’re gonna be best friends.” Shining said holding his little sister.
Twilight smiled and closed her eyes again and fell asleep.
Shining too closed his eyes and fell asleep.
“I just knew he love her.” Orion whispered to his wife.
“Yep, I can’t wait till we can all go home and be a family.” Dazzle said.
“I love you Dazzle.” Orion said kissing his wife.
“and I love you too.” Dazzle said.
In the early hours of the morning, Shining Armor was awoken by a slight sound.
“Big Brother, Big Brother, Big Brother.” Twilight mumbled.
Shining became fully awake and looked to see his sister still lying next to him in the chair.
“Big Brother, Big Brother, Big Brother.” Twilight cheered.
“We’re going to be best friends forever,” Shining said.
“Big Brother, Big Brother, Big Brother.” Twilight continued to chant.
“I love you Twilly.” Shining Armor said as kissed the little filly on her forehead.
The colt and filly fell back into a deep sleep. Neither could wait for the next day to come.
A/N
I found this picture and the idea for the story just came to me. If you liked it, give it a thumbs up and write a positive review.
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So much D'awwwness
Faved.
aww that was too cute :) nice job
Not bad, not bad at all.
1402276
Resolved
I'd recommend making more of a separation between that last paragraph where Shining wakes up and the rest of the story. How it currently is, it almost reads like Twilight started talking minutes after birth. Just add another line break and you're good.
That aside, D'AWWWWWWWW!
“Would you like to miss your baby sister?” Um what?
Other than that great story.
1402789
Fixed
You don't need to start a new paragraph after every sentence. But other than that:
gifs.gifbin.com/1237811519_chuck-norris-approves.gif
Oh my gosh. This made me cry
Dawww
It seemed a little rushed (just a very little, mind you), but other than that, really good.
**edit**
Oh, this got featured.
I got in before featured again. Sweet.
1402276
OR DID HE...
1403268
Uh yeah
Some minor grammar and spelling issues, and paragraph placement, and some of the dialogue seems a bit stiff. But other than that, great story! I'm watching for more!
Like somepony said, just a tad bit rushed, but great story!
?
Faved
I love it! So much D'awwing from me
Hrm. Interesting. I liked the concept. But, there was a few issues. Grammar and spelling being a few, the other is the fact every sentence was give its own paragraph. Made it seem a tad bit rushed. But, I think people have already said this.
Otherwise good story, I'll give it a thumbs up.
Oh my god... I accidentaly thumbed down this beautiful fanfic... I'M SO SORRY ;___; i loved it i swear...
Weaponized diabetes.
AWHHHHHH Adorable
Great story. But it was pretty rushed, and it was filled with spelling and grammar issues.
1403746
Just press like instead and you're forgiven
Alrighty then. I liked it, it was cute. I hate to go all "perfectionist beeyotch" on you here, but...
1. A lot of missed commas and other small errors.
2. The labor process doesn't exactly go that quickly (as far as I know, it's very similar for ponies and humans).
3. Well... It was very cute, but the ending kinda threw me for a whirl.
But other than that, it was very nice.
Despite the weird pacing, and some grammar issues, I liked this little story and it's worthy of a few feels...
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/407/103/ef7.jpg
1403583
zat would be me
IIIIIt's Dashie's one shot fanfiction evaluation time!
THE EVALUATION:
Alright, so there were things that I liked about this fanfic and things that I didn't like. First off, the overall premise of it was pretty good. It was a nice concept and everything. But I feel like this fic was sort of pulled down by all of its minor faults. First off, the scene where Shining's reaction to Twilight changes happens like the snap of a finger. His attitude just changes way too quickly for me to feel anything at that scene. There are also numerous grammar mistakes, (I didn't count, but there were a lot - no offense, I already said that the premise was good!) I didn't see a whole lot of spelling mistakes, if any, and after Twilight and Shining wake up apparently Twilight learned to talk at less than 12 hours old. Also they just kind of fall back asleep afterwards, which is incredibly anticlimactic.
THE VERDICT:
I like the idea for the story, I really do. But what could be a good story is hampered down by all of the little flaws making it only a pretty decent story. That said, I still don't want to downvote it, so...
STALEMATE
...I'm going to leave this one without a downvote or an upvote.
Thanks for reading, and remember - I said I liked the premise! I complimented you! Don't hate me for my evaluation!
-MASH
Please get a pre reader or editor. This story is like water, tasteless and thin. Add some zest!
Good, but for the formatting.
I thought the Father's name was Midnight, and the Mom's name was Nite Lite?
All my daww bro. All my daww.
I really thought this was cute, so many feels, but...
You need to work on your formatting as the current layout is way too cluttered. Your pacing is off, it's not too bad, but it comes off as clunky. Your characterizations are OK, but because of how brief they are they do seem a bit generic. and as many have mentioned, your grammar is well, pretty bad. You need to do a bit more of the "show, don't tell" style of writing and try not to get in such a hurry. So find yourself a pre-reader and work on the aforementioned problems and you'll have a very solid slice of life fic, as well as a good foundation for writing future stories.
Also as a big brother myself, Shining's reaction is pretty close. I was a bit more excited as I already have a twin sister (I'm older than her by a minute), but the hesitation about a new baby melts pretty fast once you hold the newborn. I'd have his parents make Shining hold Twilight, then as she does that new baby stuff have his heart melt.
1404237
It changes whoever you ask. I'm a sucker for metallica so I picked Orion
static1.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/HNNNNG+thud+_2e450d155edac8e03e6967b521f1da18.jpg
Who ever disliked this has no soul.
1404517
I agree. Oh and I made the featured. "YYYEEESSS!!!"
1404524
Yeah, I read it before it did and immediately said to myself, "This is gonna get featured."
I WAS RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
A little to much detail for my taste, but still towards Twilight and Shining's part was still very cute.
Did you know that 11 of the people that read this story are drug addict Prostitutes? They had to be if they downvoted this story
1404600
Thank you for saying that.
I think me heart stopped working...there it goes
1404792
Is that good or bad?
1404823 good, very very good.
Good concept, not bad writing, just lacking in substance really.
For instance, it would have worked better if you described things a lot more, as well as take a tad longer for events to chain together. ESPECIALLY when it came to Shining's first look at Twilight, which should have had a lot more buildup and emotion.
Honestly, with a bit more practice you could probably whip out some pretty good stories.
I enjoyed this very much. Very much indeed
So much D'aaawww, but not much else.
To be honest, the whole story fell kind of... flat. It's rushing along at break neck speed with a single destination in mind, and it gets there so fast that it left me rather unsatisfied. Not that it's bad, mind you, just shallow.
Awww... :3
THE D'AWWWWWWW METER HAS IMPLODED FROM THE AMOUNT OF CUTNESS
i623.photobucket.com/albums/tt319/Armand_1986/SHUT_DOWN_EVERYTHING_by_BrunowskiSigs.jpg
1404600
Doubt it.
Looking at the story critically, I can easily see why people would down vote it. It is rushed. It is poorly formatted and would be a massive wall of text if not for the rushed aspect. And, beyond that, lots of grammatical errors, I'm seeing about an average of two errors per three lines. That's pretty bad. Basically, the TWE should have been by already.
1404697
Now, as to what can be done to fix it up some, here is some of what I found wrong, grammatically speaking. The briefness, the tell versus show, not touching on those aspects. Feel free to delete this comment after you fix the stuff up. Or if you don't plan to fix it up. At the very least, it should help explain some of the down votes. And fixing the errors will probably help avoid some, as well as maybe turn some non-votes into up votes.
To start, the ones that are repeated over and over, all in conversation. Looking at this one line, since it has all three common errors in it:“Relax honey, you’re doing just fine.” Her husband said as she pushed her.
When you're using something like said, if there is a period before the end quotation mark, you replace it with a comma. Fix that and you have this:
“Relax honey, you’re doing just fine,” Her husband said as she pushed her.
And the said bit is part of the same sentence, so you don't capitalize things you wouldn't ordinarily capitalize. Her isn't something you capitalize unless it starts a sentence and it isn't in this case. So now it should look like this:
“Relax honey, you’re doing just fine,” her husband said as she pushed her.
Next up, when you are addressing someone, like you are here with the honey, you need to separate that with commas. You've got the one after already, but not the one before. Do that and you wind up with:
“Relax, honey, you’re doing just fine,” her husband said as she pushed her.
Those three errors are rampant throughout the story. Not going to point them all out, but now that you know what to look for, you should be able to fix 'em up easily enough.
And now for other stuff:
You should indent paragraphs and/or have an extra return between each one. This would be a huge issue if the story wasn't almost all short lines of dialogue, but should still be fixed.
A unicorn mare was being pushed inside in a wheel chair. - wheelchair.
“Relax honey, you’re doing just fine.” Her husband said as she pushed her. - she should be he.
“Help my wife has gone into labor!” Orion more or less screamed. - you need punctuation after Help, probably an exclamation mark. As is, this could read as "Help my wife!"
“Sorry it’s required.” The mare at the front desk said. - comma after Sorry. And of course the period after required should be a comma and the bold the should be lower case.
Orion finished with the paper and handed them back to her. - Dazzle was the last female mentioned before this sentence. This means Orion is handing the paperwork to Dazzle, not the mare at the front desk.
At that moment, a nurse came and escorted the wheel care
into the operating area. - unnecessary line break after care. Wheel care should be wheelchair. Also, shouldn't they be going to the maternity ward, not the operating area?
Shining just sighed and said “Whatever.” - comma after said.
The nurse that had been pushing the wheel chair brought - wheelchair
She was given a hospital gown to dress into. - As written, the she refers to the nurse. She should be Dazzle.
to take its affect. - should be: to take effect
“Alright I’ll take that as okay. - comma after alright.
She placed her legs onto the pedals of the chair and tried to relax. - what chair? The nurse moved her to a bed prior to this.
“Alright I can see the head, - comma after alright.
Cross said lowering his
hooves. - unnecessary line break after his.
Dazzle yelled as she gave a final push.” - quotation mark after push doesn't belong.
Red Cross picked up a something wrapped in a blanket. - a shouldn't be there.
Orion brought her to Dazzle who took her in her arms. - replace the her after Dazzle with another term, like "the foal" or something. As is, her would refer to Dazzle, not the baby.
“I just knew he love her.” Orion whispered to his wife. - missing a would between he and love. And, of course, the period after her should be a comma.
“and I love you too.” Dazzle said. - and should be capitalized. And the period after too is another of those that should be a comma.
The period in the title shouldn't be there.