“Are you sure you want to do this Jumper?” Fluttershy ask in concern.
“Yeah I have to, I don’t expect to hide forever but I am not ready yet. Pinkie’s welcome parties are unskippable, you know that.” I said with a monotone voice.
“I-I will come with you to make sure you are alright, your arm is still injured and the townsfolk are definitely going to be afraid of you...” I can tell she was nervous about this.
“Yeah, which is why I brought something just incase.” I pat one of my pockets.
“Uh, but are you sure the cooking pot on your head is necessary?” she points to the cooking pot I was wearing.
“Yeah I prefer living than dying, I know you ponies are softies but best be cautious. Although I was going to armour up the rest of my body but I got lazy and I don’t think it will be comfortable wearing them.” I tapped the pot on my head.
“O-oh, ok” we left the cottage and make our way to Sugarcube Corner.
We stand on the road over looking Ponyville, we looked at each other for a moment before preceding.
What make our way through the town, its quite and empty but I know its because they're at the party.
I still couldn't help but feel a sense of paranoia and dread however. I feared that some pony is going to jump out and beat the shit out of me.
We made it to Sugarcube Corner, dread and paranoia are in a all time high. We slow climb up stairs to the front door as I pull three fingers up counting the inevitable.
One...
Two...
Three...
We got inside and close the door behind me an-
“SURPRISE!” everypony inside exclaims as the lights turn on. After that everypony except Pinkie Pie went wide eyed at me.
“Fluttershy get away from that thing!” I hear from a very familiar, expected, and annoying voice. I frown upon hearing it.
Already expecting it, I quickly flop to the the floor face first, Rainbow was caught off guard by this as I hear a whoosh and a crash.
I quickly got up and looked behind me. Rainbow Dash crash herself into the front door detaching it off.
She got up and turn to face me. “This time I won’t miss a second time, monster!” she exclaims, ready to charge at me again.
“Rainbow wait!!” Fluttershy yelled out and step in between us.
“Fluttershy! Move out of the way!” she yells at her as she swipe a hoof in the air to the left.
“No, I won’t let you hurt him! He’s my friend!” she yelled out as loud as she can, still low volume though.
“Friend?! How can you be friends with this hairless freak!?” she said in disbelief and points at me.
“I don’t know? How can you be friends with a griffon?” I retort with a neutral expression and tone, Rainbow's was taken aback.
“H-how do you know!? Are you a stalker!?” she narrows her eyes at me.
“He’s a psychic Rainbow, can you believe that!” Pinkie chimed in cheerfully.
“Besides, I was living with Fluttershy for...” I count with my fingers. “Ten days. If I have any intention to hurt her she wouldn’t be here right now.”
“You probably have Fluttershy is some kind of mind control, release her now!” she tries to retort. Fluttershy has shock by her foolhood friend assumptions about md while I just look at her unphased.
“Well for one I don’t have magic, so no mind control.” I turn to Pinkie. “Anyways lets get this party started, you work very hard for it Pinkie, it would be a waste not to try to enjoy it.” Pinkie is pretty friendly when she found me out, so I'll give her parties a try even though the glares at me from most ponies are present.
“Well lets get this party started!” she exclaims as she stands on two hindlegs and holding her forehoofs in the air with confetti flying through the air.
I just stand infront of one of the tables, trying to grab one of the berry punches on the table. Then Pinkie comes up to me.
“Weellll, are you surprised?” she asked, I just keep quite knowing what will my answer would do. “I'll take that as a yes.” she assumes.
Ponies are enjoying this party, but they couldn't find but just look at me. Most of them are glares of hate or fear, although I did note some in the crowd showing signs of curiosity but I don't know who they are. I didn't bother to acknowledge them.
Looking at the corner of my vision I saw the other two soon to be members of the main six, Applejack and Rarity. Applejack was just looking at me with wary and caution, but Rarity's I couldn't read but I assume she will be like Rainbow and the other racist ponies in this town.
I turn to look at them. Applejack pause for a moment before continuing towards me while Rarity didn't even flinch.
They soon stand infront of me, I brace myself on what I expected them to do.
Rarity caught me off guard.
“What are you wearing!?” she exclaims, I am torn between being surprised or unsurprised.
“Uhhhh...” I couldn't even form words, I was so caught off guard.
“Your clothes look absolutely dreadful!” she turns her head to the side and puts her hoof in her temples. “Your coat doesn’t even go well with your shirt, your green pants makes you look like an eyesore, and that cooking pot is for cooking not as a hat!” she finishes as she examines my clothes but only to touch the bandages as I yelp in pain.
“O-oh I apologies, I didn’t see that you are injured, how did this happen?” she ask in a surprisingly apologetic tone.
“W-well an incident happen, got bitten by a timberwolf to save Angel Bunny.” I recompose myself. “To be honest, I thought you are going to call me a brute and some other bad stuff about me.” Rarity was flabbergasted to hear this.
“Now why would I do that!? Besides you saved Angel, Fluttershy is most likely very grateful for that, so you are good in my book. By the way my name is Rarity and this is my friend Applejack, what’s your name mr?”
I manage to form a genuine smile. Applejack is less wary of me now seeing this but still keeps her guard up.
Before I could respond, Rainbow Dash comes in. She flew up to look at me at eye level.
“Let Fluttershy go now.” she said as she tries to be threatening by hitting other hoof on her other hoof.
“Still on about the mind control bullshit?” a frown returning to my face, everypony who heard that flinched and turn to me. Surprisingly I didn't see any children here so I can use that as an excuse to cuss.
Rainbow then narrows her eyes then she starts to rambles on some bullshit she just pulls out. I try to ignore her as I don't wanna cause a scene and ruin this party, I take a swing of berry punch but immediately spit it out from how god forsaken sweet it is.
“Pinkie Pie?” I call for her. She bounce up to me.
“Yes Jumper?” she ask.
“How much sugar did you put in the punch?” she giggles.
“Just the whole bag, why do you ask?” she said it like its the most normal thing in the world.
“... I think I lost my appetite.” I wisely choose to avoid eating any sweets here.
And then I was punched behind the bed, it knocked the pot off my head as it fell to the ground. At least it did its job, I didn't die.
“Stop ignoring me!” I hear Dash said, I turn around to face her.
“Look just stop Dash, people are trying to have fun, and I am just minding my own business. Fluttershy isn’t mind controlled so just stop.”
It didn't stop Rainbow however, she continues making accusations, and other garbage she spews her out mouth. I just stare at her as my patience were wearing thin.
“Just stop please, I know alot about you and the only reason I haven’t lashed out yet is because of Fluttershy, don’t test me.” my eyes started to twitch in annoyance
“Yeah Rainbow Dash, Jumper hasn’t done anything wrong, you should leave him alone.” Rarity said to Rainbow.
“My flank!” retort Rainbow Dash.
She then continues, I take deep breaths, think off a waterfall and just anything to calm me down. I tried to join in the fun but the dance floor is off limits for obvious reasons, there's nothing much to do other then sit down at one of the tables. The glares sent on me are not helping.
Seeing its going to get worse, I try to leave the party but Rainbow pulled my collar.
“Oh no, I am not finished with you!” I reach my breaking point despite my nest efforts.
She lets go as I slowly turn towards her. “You are a coward Dash.” I said in deadly calmness, everypony inside turns to look towards us.
“Me? A coward?” she snorted. “Do you know who are you talking to? I am Rainbow Dash, and I am not scared of anyt-”
“You are scared of the world, Dash.” I cut her off, she was confused. I elaborate it to her. “you are afraid of being ostracize, so you seek to be the center of everything to lie to yourself you are worth something.” everypony gasp as Rainbow's cockiness was wiped off and replace with nervousness with slight fear and sadness.
“You said you wanted to join the Wonderbolts, yet why haven’t you?” I didn't stop there. “You have zero self esteem so you try to be the best and coolest from being in the top of the leaderboard or something else.” she started to back off. “you use it to hide and lie to yourself that have value in your life.”
My face begins to grim, “I never wanted to be here in the first place, just let me leave.” I finished as I turn and leave, not looking at the flabbergasted crowd. I picked up the cooking pot on the ground and left.
As I was a few steps away from the building, Pinkie call me out. “Wait, come back!” she pokes her body out with her hoof to reach attempting to reach me.
I turn to Pinkie with a sympathetic look. “I am sorry Pinkie, I know you are a nice person, you all went through all the effort to make me feel welcome but, its only really a welcome party if they welcome me. I don’t belong here.” I walk away.
As I make my way back to the cottage. I never wanted to be here in the first place, I just wanna go home.
Rainbow just got owned!!!!😎
I find weird that Jumper refers to Pinkie and other ponies as a "person" but ok.
And Rainbow Dash is very OOC here, her own friends are telling her, including Fluttershy, that Jumper wouldn't be able to hurt somepony, but Rainbow Dash behaves in an annoying way with him, to drive the "Jumper roast Rainbow" to make him look like someone badass I guess?
The story also has several inconsistencies, such as Jumper saying he's going to explore Equestria, and then saying he wants to go home and never wanted to be there in the first place.
So Jumper is going to explore Equestria or just stay at home thinking of a way back? If the character is not clear with what he wants or what his goals is, I see this story as something that is definitely not worth reading.
Also having that belief that ponies are violent with any species they don't know, where do he get that?
I guess that was for comedic purposes, but it still doesn't make sense.
It also doesn't make sense that Jumper wants to hide from the ponies, I mean, what's the point of that? What does that contribute to the story?
This story is a mess, I'm sorry to say it this way, but if you want to be a good writer, you'd better think very well how you want to take your story and not put the first thing that come to mind, is what I felt when reading this.
I don't consider myself a professional, nor do I plan to discourage you, it is simply what you should take into account when writing.
11666802
Thank you for being this to my attention,
I'll take your criticism in mind while also revisiting older chapter to fix inconsistency, maybe I'll give an answer to why.
11666811
Exactly, you have talent, you just need to polish it a bit more and be more descriptive too, as "reliczexide" mentioned so that the characters don't feel like robots talking to each other.
Even I find it difficult to follow this rule, but it is necessary to create a good story in which the characters show feelings and the readers can somehow connect with them.
for example:
“Wow! How did you know my name? Are you a psychic?!” Said Pinkie Pie jumping and bouncing all over the house, she couldn't contain the excitement of meeting someone new, especially if it was someone who wasn't a pony and seemed to come from another world, at one point Pinkie Pie approached a considerable distance towards my face, showing a big smile waiting for me to respond" something like this
Cutting into Dash like that was needed, but doing it infront of the public was probably not a good idea though
11666802
I don’t find it weird because other fictional beings refer to themselves as people in other media it’s just ponies that don’t do it
11666850
Yeah doing that to a xenophobic species will just entrench their views and actions
11666518
With only the perks sure but this usually comes with some pretty major downsides;
Typically permanent loss of all existing friends and family, they aren't dead there's just no way to get back to them or contact them.
(not always the case Outside Reality is left in communication with earth via cellphone/internet)
Often a new unfamiliar body, possibly with a new and likely unwanted gender, may or may not be granted the ability to use magic and or fly by said transformation.
Add in any of that and I think that percentage would drastically drop.
Great chapter hope he becomes friends with ponyville soon
11666802
Using person is the correct term there are more than just one sentient race here so using a person is the correct term seriously calling them pony or some pony or any pony is just stupid considering Equestria has always had multiple sentient races in Gen 4
11667413
I'm sorry for the confusion, I didn't say it as if it were something bad or mandatory, that depends on each writter or reader point of view, since honestly, it doesn't affect the story at all, but if you want to be detail-oriented, there you have the option.
And for that part you are wrong, for other creatures or races you can use the "Anycreature" "Anygriffon" or "Anykirin" is the same really, it is
understandable why some writers don't take this into account, but if there will only be ponies in your story, using these terms will not give you a headache.
11667515
I understand to be honest though the whole thing with multiple races makes me write it so that my character points out there are multiple sentient races on the planet more often than not
Wait why are his eyes inverted?
I hope he looks into a mirror soon.
Nice art.