Chapter 1-Emerging from the Shadows
“Shade! Wake up!” I rolled over, trying to block the knocking on the door. “Shade! Get up!” I slowly opened my eyes, blinking hard to orient myself to the day.
“Come on in!” I said, sleepily. Princess Luna walked inside my room, flanked by two guards.
“Ahh, you're awake.” she said. “Good. Celestia wishes to see you when you are fully awake.”
“Thanks, Princess.” She nodded and left the room. I rolled out of bed, brushed my teeth and polished my horn.
Oh, I guess you want to know some things about me? Fair enough. My name is Shade. I'm a young colt with a blue coat. Interestingly, my mane is green and I have a yellow tail.
Princess Celestia had found me as a orphan and had decided to “adopt” me as her personal assistant. I was very grateful for the home and the job wasn't bad either. I am a unicorn and was well trained in magic. The princess took it upon herself to practice at least one spell everyday. We had started to move into more complex spells just last week. I never really left the castle, having spent almost my whole life there. Celestia had preferred to have me close to her as much as possible, so I never asked. But I was hoping that could change soon.
I dashed down the hallway to Celesta’s library, where I had sensed the princess was. Bursting in, I yelled, “Sorry I'm late Princess!”
Celestia turned and smiled at the sight of me, all disheveled. “Your mane is in a mess, but I see that you still remembered to polish your horn.”
“Oh!” I gasped. My horn flashed and my mane instead of becoming straight, decided to puff up like a cloud. “Rats!” I grumbled, struggling with the spell.
Celestia laughed, something she liked to do a lot and used a spell to straighten my mane. “Come over here, Shade.” I walked up next to the princess, taking a glance at the book she was reading.
“What do you think this is?” Celestia asked.
I took a glance at the book. “This is a spell book, right?”
“Correct.” I was told. I took another look at the book. Reading some of the spells, I saw that this was a spellbook with even more complex spells then what we had been working on.
“Shade, I have a surprise for you today, but you can't have it unless you can preform this spell correctly.” the white alicorn told me. I read the spell. “Advanced Teleportation? I already know how to teleport, Princess.”
Celestia gave me a smirk, the one she gave when she knew something I didn't. “But did you know that certain ponies can teleport things to them?” She pointed at a flower in a jar that was over by the door. In a flash of her horn, the flower was in front of us.
“Wow!” I said, impressed. Nothing either of the princesses showed me ceased to impress me. Luna never did much with me, not hating me but not really liking me either. Maybe I should ask Celestia.....
Whoop, going off topic there. I spaced back in as Celestia asked, “Are you ready to try this spell?”
“Sure! What am I bringing here?” I happily asked.
Suddenly, a picture appeared in front of me. I looked at the lavender colored mare then gasped. “Is the the Element of Magic I saw at the wedding? Twilight Sparkle?”
Celestia nodded. "She holds the element, yes. I already discussed the details with her and she is waiting at her house to come here. Shade, your test for today is to locate her with your magic and bring her here.”
My mind raced, thinking of a million different problems. But there was one thing I never did. I never questioned the tests. I didn't want to appear weak in front of the princess. She must have sensed my nervousness when she asked. “Are you feeling alright, Shade? If you like, I will save this test for lat..”
“No! I can do this!” I yelled. I looked over the book then stepped back away from the princess. Taking a deep breath, I began to cast the spell. A black beam of light came from my horn and hit the ground. Moving my head, I was able to create a circle on the ground. I then slowly lifted my head, creating sort of a magic cylinder. I closed the top, then I shot another beam at the inside. A brilliant flash occurred, then the magic cylinder disappeared, leaving a sitting lavender pony with a book there.
I shuddered, then sat as well. “Wonderful, though I don't know why you used a magic seal.” Celestia said.
“Because it was a living creature and my first time,” I started to explain, “I wanted to make sure the magic wouldn't override and send her somewhere else.” Strangely, as Celestia nodded and smiled, I felt better.
“Twilight Sparkle, please meet Shade.” Celestia said. We nodded and shook hooves.
“So, why did you want me to bring her here?” I asked.
“Well, I thought it was time for you to get out and see some more of Equestria, so I asked Twilight if she could let you stay with her for a while.”
“And I said yes!” Twilight said, excited. “I can show you all around Ponyville!”
“Are you sure about this Princess?” I asked. “What if you need me to help you with something?”
“If it's very important I will send you a letter.” Celestia said with a smirk. “Now you two head on back to Ponyville. Shade, do you want to try?”
I shook my head. “I should probably only do one major spell every day.”
Celestia smiled. "I'll see you a little later then. Enjoy yourself you two." She then pointed her horn at us and everything disappeared.
I opened my eyes to find myself in a library, sort of the one in Canterlot but smaller. “This is a really nice library.” I told the unicorn.
“Thanks.” Twilight said. “I tried to fill it with as many books as I could.”
I nodded, then yawned. “That kind of magic rather takes it out of me. Anyway we could meet everypony a little bit later?”
“Well, I guess.” Twilight said, thoughtfully. “Besides, Ponyville is a little more active in the evening.”
Yawning, I laid down on the rug on her floor. “Yeah, usually I have a little more stamina.”
“You rest, Shade.” Twilight said. “I have some work to do anyway. We'll meet everypony as soon as you wake up!” Nodding, I laid down to rest.
…
Celestia walked to her balcony. She sighed and looked over Canterlot. “Feeling a little tired sister?” Luna said, walking up next to her sister.
Celestia spoke softly, “Yes Luna. I guess you could say I am.”
Luna put her hoof on her sister. “You know that he needs to know soon. It's slowly killing you.”
Celestia stubbornly shook her head. “Him being away for a while. It'll help me regain my strength.”
Luna turned to walk away, then she turned her head to look at Celestia. “Sister, if you get any weaker when he returns, I will be forced to reveal. And then you know what has to happen after that.”
As Luna walked away, Celestia sighed again looking at the stars. “Yes, I do know what has to happen. I refuse to let that occur.”
more please
LOL. I have a recent OC Character named Shade in my Assassin's Tears stories!
1355085I happened to have a lot of free time today.
Thanks for the kind words!
1355182
No problem.
So! people don't like your story? Well, how should we fix that? I think I could prattle off a few tips that I follow.
1: Don't give away too much in the description. Go ahead and talk about how he's been with Celestia for his whole life, but avoid making the conflict of the story too blatantly obvious.
2: If your main character is a run-of-the-mill OC, make sure they have their limits, be they emotional or physical. Your character should not be able to both be morally perfect and able to do everything perfect, because that makes for a boring character
3: Set the scene! You don't have to do it right away with "Once upon a time", but introduce your character to the audience, who they are, what they like, what's their view of the world, etc.
4: Write more! It's never enough! I've heard of writers who spent 5 pages describing the way a leaf fell, or describing even clothing! I could see this chapter expanded to two or three thousand words.
Finally, to avoid the self insert disease: As you create characters, Try to define your character's personality. What would they do in this situation, not what you would do. It is also much easier to do this when you use the third person. I can't say I've never avoided the self insert disease, but it helps!
Do have a nice day, and may your next story be more appreciated!
1355304 Thanks a bunch! I'm already doing some editing at the moment. Using these tips and some I got from another, I should be able to fix this a bit.
1354950 Nope, but I'll check them out when I have time!
If anypony wonderes why I deleted their comment, it had spoliers. I'm doing some editing now, but thanks for the comments!
1355300
Yeah, I derped on the name.
I personally don't care that he's black; I'm just warning you that a black-coated OC is going to be seen as a Special Snowflake by 99% of the readers, and disliked accordingly. You have to be very careful whenever you introduce an OC who diverges wildly from canon, and only one pony ever has had a black coat.
1355336 Hmmmm, it isn't too late to change that..... You recommend any colors?
1355343
Nothing wrong with gray. If you want to keep him dark, you could make him blue or pine green. Also, normal horse colors (browns, creams and the like) are underused. Take Pipsqueak for example: bland, realistic colors, but the work just fine on him.
The main things to remember are: no black, definitely no black-and-red, and avoid more than 2-3 colors. A blue pony with a green-and-yellow mane would work; a blue-red-green pony with a silver mane streaked with rainbow is just garish.
You know what? I think I'll keep an eye on this, see how it goes. Who knows? It might be a pretty decent piece of work.
1355358 Blue.....I like blue. If you don't mind me making him blue with green and yellow as you said, I'll change that now.
1355426
Go for it.
Edit: Did you just delete my critique?
Why would you do that? It makes you look like a prima donna who can't handle criticism.
I am disappoint.
1355468 Noooooo It isn't that. I'm doing some editing and your critique had spoilers. I rather enjoyed it though. Trust me I've had some harsh critique that I haven't deleted. Check out my first story if you want prove.
1355532 Ah, gotcha.
If that ever happens again, let me know and I'll gladly edit my post to kill the spoilers. Deleting comments can make you look bad, especially critiques, just so you know.
And Rarity appreciates your being willing to improve yourself.
1355554 Thanks. If you're willing to critique more of my writing I gladly appriciate it. Also watch out, I plan to write the next chapter soon.
1355577 No problem, brony! If you want, you can submit the next chapter but don't publish it, then PM me the link and the password. That way I can look it over and PM you my thoughts without risking spoilers for everypony else.
1355600 I will do that. And by password, did you mean password to my account?
1355612 No, when you submit a story you have the option to apply a password. When you do that, until it's published, only people who have the password can see it; to everyone else it just doesn't exist.
If it's easier you could just PM me the next chapter, or even just post it here. I can critique it publicly or via PM, whichever you like.
1355626 I'll probably just PM it to you. Thanks for all the help!
I'll watch this
Awesome story so far, Dont know why you've got about 11 dislikes of all things! why the blasphemy of good writing astounds me.
1357084 I can only hope that they will tell me what they don't like, then I might be able to fix it. Thanks for the support though!
Hmm, not bad for a start. Needs for work on the dialogue and a bit more words on details for the paragraphs seems...too short. Make no mistake I can see your story have potential, but its needs more work. Anyhow, i'll be looking forward to more updates and wish you the best of luck for your story.
Best regards.
1354783 Tons coming!
Aaaaaand, I'm hooked
Lucky for you I finally got to read this because of Mr. Lemonparty. And you know what? It's not bad. I'm not going to write a full review at the moment but I will definitely let you know what I think about the rest when I get through it.
Right, firstly, title is acting as the start of the story. You'll notice, all my stories start out with the title being at the top, and centered. There are extra special buttons you can use to enhance your fic, like [ hr ] without the spaces make a break in the fiction, like so:
See the small line directly above this sentence? It's there to help you jump from scene to scene. The center function lets you put your text in the middle of the page. One thing you want to do with any fiction is this: Plan how it's going to look for each chapter, and stay consistent with what you chose. If you're going to leave the title at the beginning, make it look nice. There's always a way to put artistic appeal to the story, and doing what I'm telling you to do is one of them.
Now then, for the story. Note, I point out typos and flaws at random times when I leave a critique of something. The beginning is alright, but I simply hate spaced out stuff. When you write something, each paragraph could be five or six sentences, instead it being each sentence being a break. Also, there are many different ways to word the very first couple of sentences to give it better quality, along with quantity.
The exclamation mark is an odd addition here, as he's saying it sleepily. You could put an ellipse instead, making it seem more tiring, the right mood you want the reader to feel when reading this.
The first period should be a comma, as you're continuing the sentence, and therefor not ending it. That goes for the second as well. Plus, you used "you" two times. Rewording to avoid things like that is highly advised to keep the reader focused on the story, and not going, "You?" in their head.
Oh... my.....
The part where you describe him... you're telling me, not showing. Now, you could've been talking about how he saw his reflection in the running water, and painted a picture within my mind, but instead, I have this deviantART Pony Creator image in my head as the main character.
This here's actually two for two. You're using two "Had" and two "As". Rewording is advised. Also, italics is how you should describe adopt. It's up there, with the other buttons for formatting your story in the edits menu.
Show me how grateful he was. Show me that the job wasn't that bad. Show!
There are ways to show me he's a unicorn, other than just coming out any saying it.
In this, you could've said, "Usually, I'll get up in the day, use my magic to literally lift my lazy flank up and into the bathroom where blah blah blah." Sometimes, showing me things by explaining what they're doing is the best way to show the reader what someone looks and behaves like.
You're stating the obvious here. Was that small statement really necessary?
Now, you might ask how I am able to see that extra space between "This" and "is". Well, I have magnificent eye sight. Good characterization of Celestia thus far, might I add.
Do you have any idea how much you could've dragged this out? I could've written this and made you read about a flower teleporting to an alicorn for a good 30 minutes, and you would've loved it too!
You know the saying, try not to use the same word in one sentence? well, take it that extra mile, and don't use the same description word twice in two sentences. You could replace "impress" with "amaze".
“Is the the Element of Magic I saw at the wedding? Twilight Sparkle?”
I think you meant "that" as the replacement word for the first "the".
Now, for the most part, from then on, the flaws were minor, and hardly noticeable. Your character is extremely underdeveloped for the first chapter, not to mention all of this comes out of the blue for the reader. Although I can definitely relate to him, Shade is still too blurry for me. If anything, his character should've been the ONLY character showed in the first chapter. You want to hook the reader with the beginning of a story, as it's the most important part. If you don't, then it's going to go by so many wandering eyes. The best way to do this is to make the first chapter almost completely about the main character, unless you're starting things out at when he was just a baby. All in all, I did like it, but it could've been better.
You wanted my watch, well... I guess you've earned it, yeah. This really was a fun, relaxing read. But it was missing a few things that could've done a lot of good for it.
Holy shit that was fast, not the fastest I've ever read, but still
celestia is . She should tell him soon.