Chapter 14 (Rewrite #2)
Sombra was brought back into the Crystal Empire, with me acting as security just in case he tried anything since Queen Amore had to go put the Crystal Heart back before he could safely enter. Otherwise he’d be incinerated by the initial wave of energy when the barrier went back up. The first thing we did was bring him to the infirmary to show him the state Radiant Hope was in.
I could sense Sombra’s shock, then disbelief, then growing horror and despair. Then he demanded I explain to him everything that happened in the Shadow Prison, so I did. I explained everything in detail. Starting with us entering the Shadow Prison, and ending with me light bombing the Umbrum and flying away with everyone to escape.
He practically deflated as I told him what Rabia and Radiant Hope said, word for word as best as I could remember. Then when I told him how Radiant Hope tried to plead with them and was subsequently mauled, he looked at her tired and defeated.
Based on his emotions I was pretty sure that was the moment he had truly given up.
He was kept under close watch, in case he tried anything again, and he wasn’t allowed within a hundred feet of the Crystal Heart or an alarm would go off and Amore and her Crystal Knights would be alerted immediately and a secondary barrier he couldn’t pass through would be triggered. Twilight helped with setting up the alarm, while Amore was setting up the secondary barrier herself. Though the barrier was a work in progress. It would take a couple of weeks for it to be completed. It was supposed to only last until he managed to regain Queen Amore’s trust, and who knew how long that would take.
Two days later, Queen Amore led me down to her lab in the Crystal Caverns beneath the Empire.
“Wow… It’s a lot emptier than I expected.” I commented. Empty though it was, I could sense the residual love permeating this place. It was old and stagnant but the ambient love energy in the room was quite a bit stronger than I’d have expected considering how long it had been. It had faded, almost certainly, but the fact it was still noticeable was damn impressive. Amore really had a thing for love magic it seemed. Though I suppose it made sense considering it was one of the primary weaknesses of the Umbrum, who were her main concern out here.
I would have been worried, but Love was literally food for changelings. And… Well, Amore genuinely considered me a friend and had almost taken a lethal spell for me. So if there was anyone I trusted to be responsible with my kids, it was her. She wouldn’t do anything that would endanger them. If anything, the biggest thing I’d have to worry about is her overfeeding them with love and them coming out obese when they hatched… if changelings could even get fat. I actually wasn’t sure if that was a thing that could happen considering the weird magic biology we had.
Amore looked around at the empty lab, disappointment and displeasure radiating from her. “Indeed. I wish I could have shown it to you whilst it was in its prime. I was quite proud of some of the artifacts I’d kept here and would have enjoyed showing them to you. It was in quite the sorry state when I came to check on it after Sombra was dealt with. It didn’t get banished with the Empire, so it has been here for over two thousand years. Most of my work was, unfortunately, destroyed by the ravages of time so I had to toss it out. The only thing that survived, and wasn’t in need of serious repairs was a single potion.”
She sighed and shook her head. “It is truly a pity but I can remake all of it eventually. I still have notes stored in illusion crystals. The magic in them and thus my records have degraded over time, but I can fill in the gaps and salvage the vast majority of it.”
“That sucks. I’m trying to experiment with some of the basic magic and enchanting I’ve learned for my war with Chrysalis. I’d be pretty upset too if I was at it for a few decades let alone a thousand years and I came back to find it all ruined.” I said.
She smiled at me. “You are? Ooh! You must show me what you have been working on! Perhaps we can collaborate some time soon! It would be an excellent opportunity to teach you what I can about love magic!”
“Er… I’m not sure you’d like the stuff I’m making. And it would be pretty amateur compared to anything you can do. I’ve only just started learning magic and unicorn magic isn’t the same as Changeling magic. Some stuff translates over better than other stuff.” I told her.
She raised an eyebrow. “And what are you making that I wouldn’t like? I fully expect you are making weapons, and I am unsurprised. I may not agree, but I would not disparage you for it.”
“Well, you know I wasn’t originally a changeling, and I’m not from this world?”
“That was quite the surprising conversation, but yes.” Queen Amore nodded.
“Well, back on Earth Bet, humans didn’t have magic and we had a lot more wars. We invented some really damn good weapons. Guns, which shoot small metal projectiles at supersonic speed, bombs, which are just explosives, and things called flamethrowers. They shoot fire over a decent range to burn enemy combatants alive. Sort of like how dragons breathe fire. I’m trying to make all of these, and more. The one I think you’d have the most issue with is the flamethrower. But that’s arguably the easiest one to make, and the safest since there’s no risk of blowing myself up. I’m also trying to figure out certain non-lethal weapons, but those are a lower priority.” I explained.
Surprisingly I only felt a twinge of displeasure from Amore. “Ah. I see. Yes, I could see why that would be something you’re wary of. But dragons do use fire as a weapon quite often. It's in their very nature. So while I don’t like that you’re trying to replicate that as it’s quite cruel, I can certainly see why you are. Well, I must say, you’re right in that I do not want a hoof in that particular project. But perhaps we can collaborate on something else? Perhaps something of a more defensive nature?”
“I’m not good at making barriers. That’s one of the things that don’t translate well from unicorn to changeling magic. The best I have in that regard is spider silk armor.” I told her.
“Spider silk? You’ve made a gambeson from spider silk? Why? Would a traditional gambeson not be easier to acquire?”
“I’m not sure what a gambeson is, but I doubt that’s what I’ve made. Back on Earth Bet when I first got my bug powers I wanted to make a costume that was bulletproof and could take slashes and stabs. Most spider silk is at least five times stronger than steel. So it’s incredibly tough. It’s pretty much immune to stabbing and slashing, and it's bullet resistant while still being pretty light and maneuverable. Though a hammer or a mace could beat it pretty easily. I don’t have my bug controlling powers any more, but I’ve figured out how to control spiders with simple mind control spells. So I’ve been using star spiders to make something like my old costume for a suit of armor I can wear around. It’s almost done, I only have a little more work I need to do on it. But that’s my only project that’s defensive. At least right now.”
“Hm. Interesting. I’d like to see it sometime.”
I morphed myself to make it look like I was wearing the armor. The finished product, anyway.
Amore chuckled. “Yes, yes… You know what I mean, Weaver. Though, that’s quite interesting. It’s much thinner than I expected. Certainly not a gambeson after all… And you’re sure it’s immune to stabbing and slashing?”
I nodded. “I made the first version out of black widow silk and I accidentally made part of it too long. I tried cutting it with a knife and I couldn’t. I had to get wire cutters to get through it and it was slow. So, yeah. I don’t think a sword or spear is getting through it. Probably not arrows or crossbow bolts either. If I can start mass producing suits like this, they might make for good undersuits for your knights.”
She nodded. “Indeed. I would have to have some material to have tested first, but having added protection that’s up to more modern standards certainly couldn’t hurt. Though, being a type of fabric I can’t imagine it’s very good against dragon fire, but then neither is traditional plate armor, I suppose… Hm…”
“Hey, uh… Sorry to cut this short, but I think it’s about time.” I said with a bit of urgency.
“Ah! Right. I suppose we shall have to discuss projects we can work on together later. For now, this room is by far the safest place in the entire Empire. Your eggs shall come to no harm here.“
I sighed. “Right… Then, uh… Can I get a bit of privacy for a while?”
Amore nodded. “Of course. I shall wait outside. Call me if you need me for anything.” With that she turned and walked back out, leaving me alone in the lab.
A few minutes later, I was done and there were seven green membranous eggs in a little group. I’d picked them all up and put them on a table which had a blanket on it already prepared for them.
“I’m done…” I called out, looking at the eggs. I was still shocked by the whole thing. Seven… Seven kids. I had to protect Seven kids from Queen Chrysalis… And I was immortal, so unless they were too, I’d eventually outlive them…
Queen Amore came back in and immediately walked over towards the eggs, intense joy and excitement radiating from her. “Seven beautiful eggs! Congratulations, Weaver! I promise you I’ll take very good care of them whilst you’re away in Griffonstone. If anything changes, I shall send my fastest messenger pegasus to let you know immediately.”
“Yeah… Uh… Thanks…”
Amore’s joy was tempered a bit as she looked at me. It was still strong, but sympathy joined it. She wrapped her forearms around me in an embrace. “I can see you’re rather overwhelmed. I completely understand. I was much the same with my first foal. I was in a similar position at the time as well. Though mine was voluntary and instead of others of my own kind wishing me and my foal harm, I had to worry about the Umbrum. It was an incredibly difficult time but I got through it with the aid and love of those around me and my love for my foal. So know that you are not alone. I am here, I understand exactly what you’re going through, and am more than willing to lend you my aid in whatever way I can.”
“How…?” I asked, staring at the eggs.
“How, what?” She asked.
“You… You’re immortal too, right…? So… How do you…?” I tried to ask.
She seemed to understand. I felt her emotions dim and grow somewhat melancholic. “It’s not easy. It never is… My first died of sickness in her youth. My second was snatched away by the Umbrum and I was unable to save her… My third lived, grew up, and died of old age having sired but a single filly and having lived a long, happy, and fulfilling life. After I had made the Crystal Heart and realized I was no longer aging while my surviving siblings, my husband, and my son all were, I was distraught. I had suffered through the deaths of my parents, three of my siblings, and two of my foals already. I didn’t want to experience more… But I did…”
Amore took a moment to collect herself before continuing. “It hurts… Every single time… And it never gets easier… But I personally found comfort in my grand foals. They became my light, guiding me through such dark times. I tried having more husbands after my first husband died, but I quickly learned I couldn’t stand watching them grow old and frail and watching them pass without me. It was too painful. So I stopped and merely took joy in watching my grand foals grow up and find husbands and wives of their own with which they raised their own families. The love of my family is how I found the strength to go on.”
She sighed, sadly. “I’m so incredibly lucky to have awoken to meet Cadance and Shining Armor… It would have been truly crushing to have lost any remnant of my family to time… But seeing her an alicorn, and realizing Celestia and Luna are still alive after all this time, I’m so scared for her. I’m terrified that my great granddaughter will have to suffer exactly what I went through… It’s like seeing a reflection of myself in my youth and realizing what is to come but being unable to do anything to stop it… I can’t tell her she shouldn’t have a husband and a family simply because she will outlive them… I simply have to hope she shall have the strength to endure the trials ahead…”
She shook her head. “But I suppose I’m getting off track… In your case, I suppose you will never stop having foals as is the nature of insects. So, find strength in the love you have for those who yet live. At least, that’s what I would do. I cannot truly say what can or will work for you as you are not me. Thus it’s something I fear you shall have to discover yourself the hard way. It will not be easy losing them, but you shall need to learn to endure it one way or another… But I will be here for you when that time comes, if and when you need a shoulder to cry on. Having a friend who is immortal may ease the burden a bit. A luxury I wasn’t afforded in the past, and one I am all too eager to accept now that the opportunity stands before me. Selfish though that may sound.”
I listened to her, never taking my eyes off the eggs. It wasn’t like I wasn’t already used to people I knew and loved dying. Mom, Dad, Alec, Brian… But the prospect of being immortal and having to go through that over and over and over forever was… intimidating… to say the least. I wondered if I’d eventually just grow jaded to it, like I had with killing. After all, I was a bug now. The queen of a hive which could count as a nation in its own right. I’d probably have thousands eventually. Hundreds of thousands even. Too many to even learn the names of let alone get to know or spend any time with personally. This first batch were likely the kids I’d get to know and love the most since there were so few of them. And all seven would eventually grow old and die, if Chrysalis didn’t kill them first.
Maybe if I could make other Queens? That was probably a thing that was possible. After all, bees and ants often did so. Bees would feed a larva royal jelly and that larva would eventually become a queen. But then, that felt unfair in a lot of ways and had the potential to spiral into a much larger problem.
“I… Think I need to go sit down…” I stated, my mind still reeling from the fact this was all happening.
Amore nodded. “Yes, perfectly understandable. Come, let’s go back up and try to relax over a nice cup of tea. I have acquired a small stock of crystals filled with love from some donors in the Empire. So you may have a snack if you’re feeling peckish after all of this.”
Amore led me out of the lab. The conditions were perfect, or as close to perfect as one could hope for, and the room was the most secure in the whole Empire so there was no need to worry about leaving the eggs alone for now.
Later that evening the Princesses finally arrived.
I was sitting to the left of Queen Amore’s throne and Cadance and Shining Armor sat on the right while we waited for Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.
Sombra stood off on the side of the room, a band with an enchanted crystal wrapped around one of his back hooves. It was the thing that would trigger the alarm if he ever took it off or got too close to the Crystal Heart. His armor, cape, and crown were all gone. The malevolent magic leaking from his eyes was gone too, but those were the only changes. His mane and tail both still looked to be made of darkness, and his horn was still red and curved. It was pretty obvious he wasn’t a normal unicorn. Apparently he used to look like one in the past before he learned what he was and there were spells that could make him look like that again, but he refused. He had accepted that he was an umbrum and didn’t want to pretend to be something he wasn’t.
I could relate in a way. I supposed I was a changeling now, and as much as I preferred my human form, this was what I actually looked like now and everyone knew it. So there was no real point in making myself look human other than for the sake of having hands and pure preference.
Sombra felt upset and worried. Radiant Hope hadn’t woken up yet and he was getting restless. Otherwise, he hadn’t really been much of an issue ever since he surrendered and Queen Amore told him everything she had been working on to try to help him and showed him whatever remained of the notes she’d taken for her experiments in that regard.
I could sense the Princesses’ emotions as they talked to Twilight and her friends. It wouldn’t be long until they reached the throne room.
My mind was still focused on my eggs and the future. Queen Amore had assured me she was going to offer what military aid she could against Chrysalis and her hive. But since I was staying in the Everfree Forest, in the middle of Equestrian territory, the number she could send right away was going to have to be negotiated with the Princesses. At least until I moved to the Undiscovered West. Though she would be sending a few ponies to patrol the Undiscovered West and keep away anyone trying to settle there just to spite me. Namely, the minotaurs.
I was going to have to go there and find another place to start building a second hive sooner or later. Fortunately, with the donations of stored love from the Crystal Empire, that actually became a feasible option since I was no longer strictly reliant on Twilight and her friends for love. But that was going to have to wait until after I was done in Griffonstone, at the very least.
My thoughts were cut off as the doors opened and the Princesses entered, followed by Twilight and her friends.
“Greetings, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna. It’s good to see you’re both well, after the past thousand years. I wish I could say I was happy to see you both, but I am rather disappointed by the circumstances.” Queen Amore greeted them in a neutral tone. I could tell she was annoyed with and disappointed in the two of them.
“It’s good to see you as well, Queen Amore. I’m happy to see you’re alright. After we learned what happened here in the Empire, we suspected the worst…” Celestia stated. She then glanced at Sombra. “I see Sombra is no longer a threat.”
Amore nodded. “Indeed. Mercifully, I was able to make him come to his senses and see reason. There’s still a long road ahead for us to regain each other’s trust but reconciliation and amends have begun. In the end, that’s what matters I suppose.”
Celestia smiled. “That’s good to hear. I’m happy for you, Sombra. Luna was in something of a similar position quite recently.”
Luna sighed. “Indeed… After the Crystal Empire fell, I let envy corrupt my heart and I did some awful things I am not proud of. I betrayed my sister and attempted to conquer Equestria, refusing to lower the moon. Celestia was forced to banish me to the moon for a thousand years. It is only due to the efforts of Twilight Sparkle and her friends that my corruption was driven away and I could be redeemed. So, I understand all too well the difficulties you are facing and will face. As it is, I am glad you are seeking redemption as well.”
“So I’ve heard…” Sombra stated, not looking at either of them. He was still sore about them banishing him beneath the ice for a thousand years, from what I could tell.
“And Weaver, Twilight wrote me a letter detailing everything that happened. You’ve done quite well! Though, some of the behavior she outlined in her letter is rather… concerning?” Celestia commented.
I looked at Twilight. She looked back with a sheepish smile.
I sighed. “Yeah. I know. Everyone keeps saying that.”
“She also informed us that you would have your first batch of eggs soon. Congratulations! We’re both incredibly happy for you.” Luna said with a warm smile. Joy and excitement radiated from her. If her emotions were real and not an illusion, she was happy for me.
“She had them earlier today, in fact! Seven of them!” Amore announced happily.
“They’ll be staying here in the Empire for a while.” I stated, bluntly.
“Yes… Something about you having business in Griffonstone? What business, if you don’t mind me asking?” Celestia inquired.
I glanced at Twilight again, annoyed that she told them but not surprised that the chief spy assigned to me had told the Princesses about my plans. “I just want to discuss some things with Ambassador Gruff and see if I can work some things out. It’s nothing that you need to worry about.”
“Weaver—” Celestia started to say only to be cut off by Amore.
“Celestia, I believe we have other matters to discuss right now. Such as the fact you and your sister, in all your wisdom, decided to send your young student here to ‘save’ my Empire as a test. I am aware she’s the bearer of the Element of Magic, but you didn’t send her with the elements. You sent her here unarmed, with no knowledge of the Empire or what she was getting into, without the proper tools with which to defeat Sombra, and you told her she was to do it alone! Had Weaver not sensed the pieces of my shattered form, matters could have ended very differently due to your irresponsibility. You gambled with the lives and freewill of my Crystal Ponies for the sake of some blasted test!” Amore huffed and shook her head. “I am not happy, Princesses. Not in the least. I am incredibly disappointed in both of you.”
Celestia actually took a step back, looking as though she’d just been slapped. A bit of guilt and shame emanated from her. Along with a small amount of indignation.
Twilight and her friends were shocked that Amore was talking to the Princesses like that.
Cadance and Shining Armor felt uneasy.
Sombra didn’t care, his worries were directed towards Radiant Hope.
Luna just sighed. “For the record, I did not agree to this. It was Celestia’s plan. But I didn’t oppose her despite my reservations, so I suppose I do share in the blame.”
“I would prefer to discuss this in private… If that is acceptable?” Celestia requested.
Amore nodded. “Very well. Sombra, Element Bearers, Spike, I apologize but I must ask all of you to grant us some privacy.”
I almost stood up and walked out but stopped when I realized I wasn't one of the people Amore named. She wanted me to stay for this? That caught me off guard. I wasn't used to being included in private talks like this. Especially when they really had little or nothing to do with me.
Sombra left with Twilight and her friends. Once he was out of the throne room I sensed him continue walking. He was heading straight back to the infirmary.
Twilight and the others lingered just outside.
When the door closed, Celestia cast a spell that covered the throne room. “A spell to prevent eavesdropping.” Celestia explained.
“Very well. Now, would you two care to explain yourselves?” Amore asked.
“To start with, I always had full confidence Twilight would succeed—” Celestia started.
Amore raised a hoof. “Stop. Just… stop… I don’t care. You knew there was a possibility and that it was even likely that she would fail, regardless of your personal feelings on the matter. In fact, from the sounds of it you intentionally set her up for failure from the very beginning! Because of you they all nearly died Celestia! They survived, barely, escaping with only wounds but if it weren’t for Weaver figuring out the very basics of love magic and pushing herself to the very brink of death through starvation, their deaths would have been guaranteed! The Umbrum would have killed them all in the Shadow Prison because you did not prepare them in any way for what they were going to face! Also, other than your gross neglect in regards to preparing your student for this so-called ‘test’, you also set this entire thing up for failure in yet another way!”
Celestia’s emotions sank with every word as Queen Amore continued to berate her.
“With the Crystal Heart lost, Cadance was the only one capable of maintaining the barrier to keep out Sombra and she had to stay awake day and night the whole time to do it! She was forced to neglect her own needs to maintain the barrier, to the point she was on the verge of collapse by the time I was brought back! Had they not been so quick in figuring out the puzzle that was piecing me back together and hadn’t figured out a spell to undo Sombra’s curse as quickly as they did, she would have given out! The Empire would have been completely undefended and Sombra would have been free to re-conquer the Empire and there would have been nothing anypony could have done to stop him! Weaver would have died and her sacrifice would have been for nothing other than your damned hubris! You have spent years knowing both Cadance and Shining Armor! Shining Armor is or was the Captain of your Royal Guard! You would have known Shining Armor’s capabilities and that he could not have traded out with Cadance to maintain the barrier because he is not nearly well versed enough in love magic! That is another point of failure you should have been well aware of and you neglected regardless!”
Celestia’s hind legs had given out and she was looking at the ground, tears welling up in her eyes. Her guilt and shame were now very intense. She was on the verge of crying.
Queen Amore sighed and shook her head. “It’s just… It’s baffling to me… I cannot fathom how you possibly thought any of this was a good idea unless it was pure malice. And no, I’m not accusing you of doing this intentionally, which is why I’m so confused by this whole situation. I don’t care how supposedly ‘confident’ you were in your protege. I want to know why. Why would you put my Empire at risk? Why would you gamble with the lives of my Crystal Ponies? What in the world were you thinking? For love sake, you are a thousand years old! You should be wiser than this! What would possess you to be so incredibly irresponsible?!”
“I-I… W-well…” Celestia stuttered.
“She sometimes has dreams of the future.” Luna stated.
I blinked in surprise.
Amore was surprised too. Her anger abated a bit. “Explain.”
“I… Some time before Weaver appeared, I had a vision of the Crystal Empire’s return. I saw Twilight finding the Crystal Heart and Sombra defeated once the Heart was returned to where it belonged. So… I… W-well… My visions had never been wrong before, so I had full confidence it would come to pass...Things did not play out according to my vision, however… I did not foresee your return, I didn’t foresee anypony getting hurt, and I most certainly did not see Sombra having been redeemed… I... I believe Weaver's arrival and participation in this changed the course of events I saw in my vision drastically. I could not have anticipated that it would go this way." Celestia explained.
So, she was a precog? That would explain a bit, to be fair. Sometimes Precogs could get surprised by parahumans with powers that made them a blind spot. And I supposed, a variable that went unaccounted for could catch them off guard too.
Amore sighed and face-hooved. “Very well. So that explains why you sent your protege, but it explains nothing else about your handling of the situation. Cadance maintaining the barrier on her own, not providing Twilight with even the barest information, not sending the Elements as a safeguard in case things did not go how you foresaw. You should have been more cautious rather than blindly trusting your visions. Especially once you knew Weaver was joining them, considering she was not a factor in what you originally saw. That is a lesson Sombra had to learn. The future's not set in stone. You and everypony else has free will and your actions can influence the course of events. Thus, even if you foresaw Sombra’s defeat your handling of the situation was incredibly poor.”
“There’s something that doesn’t make sense to me.” I stated.
“Yes, Weaver?” Amore asked, looking at me curiously.
“Twilight said this was a ‘test’ and that she had to do it alone. If you thought you knew what was going to happen, why frame it as a test? Why not tell her the truth, and the solution you saw in your vision? You never told her about the Crystal Heart and you expected her to just… figure it out? How? Sombra admitted to having destroyed any mention of the Crystal Heart as an artifact so no one would know his weakness. And what the hell was so important about her doing it all alone?” I asked.
“Er… Ehem…” Celestia cleared her throat awkwardly. Embarrassment, guilt, and shame emanating from her.
“Those are some very good questions, Weaver. I would like to know that as well.” Amore agreed.
“Well… I… Uh… How do I put this…? I… Hoped that Twilight might become an alicorn?” Celestia stated, uncertainly.
The silence was deafening. “What?” Amore asked, confused.
“I… Well… We have determined that alicornhood is something that is earned… My sister and I earned it when we attempted to take over raising and lowering the sun and moon, believing our magic would be burnt out … Cadance earned it by redeeming a villain as a filly… Seeing as I knew she would succeed regardless, I had thought that if Twilight could save the Crystal Empire on her own, she would prove herself and earn it as well…” Celestia explained.
Amore started getting angry again. “I have several concerns… First, did you not consider that by intentionally making the task more difficult as a ‘test’, you would be directly influencing the outcome of your own vision? You could have rendered the entire thing void, and thus your reasoning of having total faith in her because of your vision becomes utterly irrelevant!”
Celestia winced.
“Second, even if your theory in this regard is true and it can be ‘earned’, you all earned it under natural circumstances. Did it not occur to you that by trying to force it you may in fact be doing more harm than good? You say my granddaughter earned it by redeeming a villain? Well Twilight and her friends redeemed Luna, did they not? I suppose you thought because she didn’t do that on her own that wasn’t enough to prove herself. But there’s also the possibility that none of them have the potential to become alicorns in the first place, Celestia. And how can ‘test’ such as this possibly count as ‘earning’ anything when it is so clearly forced and you supposedly already know the outcome?! The fact you attempted to force such a transformation may have directly counted against it happening in the first place, and the entire Crystal Empire could have been doomed and lives lost because of it.”
Amore shook her head and sighed. “My third and final concern is, why does this matter at all? Why do you want so badly for your protege to become an Alicorn that you would go this far? To risk my Empire for her ascension? Are you perhaps looking to raise a pantheon to rule over, oh great Sun Goddess?” The sarcasm dripping from that last sentence was almost palpable
“NO! Absolutely not! And we’re not goddesses. I denounced all worship of us centuries ago… In the past I saw a vision of Twilight as an alicorn. I never saw how she became one or under what context only that she will. So, I know she’s destined to become one but I don’t know how or when…”
Celestia sighed and shook her head. “To address your first point, I have attempted to act on my visions in the past and I can influence them to some degree but they have never been wrong, until now. So, as to your second point, not knowing when or how she will achieve ascension I thought that by making it a test I might be able to cause her to ascend by proving herself by saving the Crystal Empire. I was perhaps a bit hasty, but I truly believed I was doing what was best for my student and the Crystal Empire. Had I not had my visions and hadn’t believed with the utmost certainty that Twilight would succeed, I would never have been so careless…”
“This is where our disagreement came in.” Luna stated. “I can vouch for the validity of Celestia’s visions, but sending Twilight so unprepared worried me. I believed Celestia in that Twilight would find the Crystal Heart and defeat Sombra, but I was worried at what cost it may come at if she was sent unprepared. If Celestia only saw Twilight finding the Crystal Heart and Sombra’s defeat, that left a concerningly large gap of what could happen leading up to his defeat. Perhaps somepony could get hurt or worse in the events leading up to those two things due to Twilight lacking knowledge or tools. I agreed with her in that Twilight had to be sent, however I wanted to take a more cautious approach but only as a precaution for what may happen in the interim, not the end result. It did not even cross either of our minds that Weaver’s presence might change matters so dramatically.”
So Celestia was a highly accurate precog. I mentally categorized her as a thinker, but I held off on giving her a rating. I pegged her as a mid ranking precog but I didn't want to give her a solid number ranking until I knew more about her visions and if I was a blindspot or if my arrival here just threw a wrench into everything as a one off.
Amore’s anger abated again, replaced by resignation and exhaustion. She sighed tiredly. “I see… in that case, I suppose I cannot be too angry. I do not appreciate how recklessly you treated the situation, nor how negligent you were towards the needs of my granddaughter. However, I can accept that you truly believed things would turn out well in the end. In a way, it’s not too dissimilar to Sombra. When he looked into the Crystal Heart and was shown a vision of his destiny, he assumed it was guaranteed to happen no matter what. To not blindly trust prophecy seems to be a lesson that many need to learn.”
“I’m sorry, Queen Amore. I’m so, so sorry. I truly had everypony’s best interests at heart. I truly could not have anticipated that any of this would turn out as it did. I made a mistake, and I regret it deeply…” Celestia apologized, complete sincerity in her tone.
Amore smiled at Celestia. “If I could forgive Sombra despite all he has done, I can certainly forgive you for having such faith in your visions. If you had selfish or greedy reasons as I admittedly initially suspected, I would have been very very angry and thus less accommodating. But as that is not the case, I forgive you. Everypony can make mistakes. Simply take this as a lesson not to put such complete faith in prophecy. Prophecy can indeed be a good guide or a warning of what is to come, but don’t allow yourself to become totally reliant upon it.”
“A lesson I will be sure to take to heart.” Celestia stated with a smile.
“Very good. Then I shall consider this matter done. Let us move on… Since you’re here, there are other matters we need to discuss.” Amore stated.
After that we moved on to discussing political matters for several hours. Some of it involved me and my hive. Most of it didn’t. So I spent the majority of it just sitting there, bored out of my mind.
But I did pay attention and tried to learn what I could about international politics while I was there, since I would have to deal with things like this in the future. My business in Griffonstone seemed to have been completely forgotten.
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If I could offer a bit of advice, it would be twofold.
One, you got monologueitis, where characters will spontaneously erupt in long, winding, and incredibly dense walls of text. Now, this isn't necessarily bad. You should try to avoid it but if its a stylistic choice you want to keep you should break it up a bit. Have some interaction from those present, have the character move through the scene, doing things to help emphasize whatever point they are making.
Two, characters will just spontaneously spout their backstory without prompting and this isn't something people normally do. If the cashier asks you for cash or credit you don't announce that you lost your mother in a fire when you were five. Try to lead up to that point in some way if at all possible, like Luna just offering her own history in the middle of a conversation, that was jarring.
Not a bad story so far though, best of luck out there.
Oh and one more thing. Try to add a bit of extra padding between abrupt scene changes. I get that you don't want to discuss weaver giving birth but going from preparing, to its over in two sentences nearly gave me whiplash. Same goes for near the end of the story where they talked for hours and whatnot and that was given only a sentence.
You can still do that, but think of it like, easing into a turn with a car. If you take it too fast you roll the whole thing but if you go to slow you may miss the turn completely. Just, add a bit extra to it, ease the reader in and then out.
11860526
I'm aware of the exposition thing and I'm trying to work on it. It's been pointed out to me a while back. I tend to not even realize I'm doing it when I'm writing. I've been trying to be more aware of that and cutting down on it as much as I can but its a thing I need to practice.
11860534
As for this, yeah I kinda see your point. I just didn't want to go into much detail about that whole thing and I suppose I got ahead of myself and tried to end the chapter a bit too abruptly because I wanted to post it. I'll try to work on that.
Thank you for the constructive criticism! I really appreciate it!
it actually makes a great deal of sense for the first batch of eggs to be small...when queen ants have their first nanitics in their founding chambers, their numbers are not large, and neither are they really. it is not until the founding chamber is left and outside food sources start coming into the nest that new ants are larger and stronger. the nanitics also live shorter lives compared to ants that coming in following egg batches...
11860545
As for that, you could just add her getting ready, making like a nest, getting comfortable, and then add a page break (the code for it in fimfiction is [ hr] remove the space before the h)
example here
Then after that you have her gathering the eggs up getting some water and reorintering herself. You don't have to describe anything you don't want to, but the weight of the scene remains, and it doesn't feel so abrupt as to become unpleasant. That same idea of build up, page break, wind down works for a lot of your abrupt things. If you don't want to describe something, be it out of discomfort, or it simply doesn't add to the story, utilizing page breaks, and allowing the audience to use their imagination is a powerful tool in a writer's arsenal. The page break itself is also important, as it adds a metacontextual break between scenes that helps with impact.
Also, any time friend. Just happy to help.
11860526
While I agree with most of what you said, I don't think your argument about spontaneous backstories is very sound. First of all, I don't think saying it "isn't something people normally do" is a convincing argument when you consider that this is a fanfiction based on a cartoon. Cartoon characters say weird shit all the time, and while this fic is one of the more grounded ones, some unrealistic dialogue is to be expected. Personally, I think it's part of MLP's charm.
Second, I think it's important to consider the context of the scene, and the overall series. You frame it as if what Luna said was completely unrelated to the current conversation with your cashier analogy, which is simply untrue. The characters were discussing Sombra's redemption, so it wouldn't be unreasonable for Luna to bring up her own redemption in an effort to relate to him and make him feel more comfortable. I also think it's important to note that this is season 3 Luna, and she is still fairly early in her character development. Luna at this point is both very melodramatic and pretty socially awkward. So I don't think it's out of character for her to abruptly open up like this in an effort to seek a possible friendship with Sombra. She feels like this is the easiest and most direct way to get him to relate to her as a fellow reformed villain. Luna has even done something similar to this in the actual series when Twilight follows her into the forest in "Luna Eclipsed". Twilight can barely get a word in before Luna makes a dramatic proclamation about how she defeated Nightmare Moon. Completely spontaneous and unprompted.
While I do agree that it was jarring, I saw this as more of a Luna being herself thing, than a writing problem. Luna frequently references her backstory in the series, and she still feels a lot of guilt about it (this is also pre-Tantabus). If you have a better example, feel free to share, I can't remember any of the top of my head. It's been a while.
Ouch... Celestia will DEFINITELY feel that.
I have noticed it a couple of times, but you jump from first person to third person.
Amore spittin straight facts
also, when i saw 7 eggs, my mind went to the 7 virtues and the 7 sins
I feel like it's just Celestia who wants to retire not "We" as in Celestia and Luma. Luna basically just got back from the moon after rebelling to get adoration and take Equestria for herself.
Maybe really she doesn't feel like ruling again because of guilt or some other form of perceived inadequacy.
On the other hand it feels more like overbearing Celestia and Luna's inability to say "No"
I am going to laugh my ass off if when Taylor first meets her kids she tries to share love with them as a means of feeding them and ends up exploding in everyone's faces.
Honestly I don't blame her. Even in the show it was incredibly risky and it almost didn't work out for everyone. It was luck that saved twilight and friends so many times that it is amazing that they never got hurt because of it.
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You seem to think as though I am arguing against her giving that information, but actually, I'm not. It's fitting that she would mention her past in an attempt to soothe Sombra and assure him that redemption is possible, the giving of that info simply doesn't have to be jarring. Add some lead-up, tip toe around it for a bit, perhaps even have a meeting between the two after the fact where she divulges this information in private. It's her greatest shame, she wouldn't just announce that in public with little prompting.
Also, yes cartoon logic and cartoon dialogue can be okay but I don't know if you've noticed this but this story isn't a cartoon. The writer is attempting a mostly serious setting, with violence, death which would have earned it a rating that isn't PG like the series this is based off so your argument is flawed from the outset. I do get what you mean though and I do enjoy the silliness of MLP quite a bit but that lol so random sense of humor and diolgue really doesn't have a place when you are attempting to set a heavy scene with a bit more gravitas.
Tldr the conventions and tropes of cartoons are just fine where they are, but don't fit when you are writing something that is an entirely different genre.
Something I want to bring up about Celestia's plan to retire is that canonically she didn't really give Twilight much if any training on how to actually you know rule, no real political training or experience being in charge of so much as a town, also just dropping her damn near immediately into the position with no effort to ease her into the position.
And she seemed to basically turn on a dime on how much of a princess Twilight actually is, first she holds a big coronation for her, then during equestria girls she isn't princess enough to attend the princess meeting,then not that long after she is telling her she wan'ts to leave her 100% in charge.
Plus she doesn't have any plan at all for what if Twilight says "No"
"though to be honest she has basically unintentionally trained Twilight to be utterly subservient to her, Think about it the fear that Sombra's greatest fear door created was just her failing Celestia and no longer being her student, Not Sombra taking over, Not her Friends in peril, Not Canterlot crumbling, Not Chrysalis winning, Not Celestia or Luna turning Nightmare ,or her Family or friends abandoning her, just the thought of permanent failure from Celestia had her petrified"
11860659
Shoot. That's one of the big problems with shifting back and forth between stories written in different perspectives. I get in the habit of writing in 3rd person and make mistakes when I come back and try to write in first person. Thanks for pointing that out. Fixed!
11860526
Honestly, I couldn't disagree more.
Monologues have a purpose and the dressing down of Celestia by Amore is something that absolutely validates a monologue.
Similarly all the backstory exposition has been topically relevant. Luna's short explanation of Nightmare Moon was directly prompted by the discussion of Sombra and isn't jarring.
So? Where does this idea that dialogue in stories has to sound like how 'real people' talk come from? All dialogue is unrealistic to a degree, because what makes good dialogue is not how 'realistic' it is, it's how well it serves the storytelling.
How is this example in any way analogous to what happened in the story? Why are you demanding that immortal heads of state who have ruled their respective nations for millennia talk talk to each other anything like how some rando going to the store for some milk talks to his cashier?
I enjoyed this chapter but noticed no one thought to call out Celestia about the fact that Twilight would have been made immortal without her consent if the plan worked. Even luna which is odd as losing everything you ever knew bar your sister had to hurt.
11861300
That... is a good point. Especially in regards to Weaver and the conversation she just had with Amore in the lab. Plus, with her now knowing that Celestia is a precog taken into account? I could totally see Weaver making some correlations with Contessa forcing immortality upon her, and Celestia manipulating Twilight into accepting the same. And even if she's currently a bit irked at Twilight for being a blabbermouth, I'm pretty sure that Weaver DOES still consider her a friend already. So she might take issue with what Celestia is trying to do.
Why would her changelings want to or even need to bond with somepony? Makes them seem less free willed and more of a pet. If anything, drones should network with multiple friends for maximum efficiency, assuming they can freely leave the hive what with the looming threat over them all.
11861658
So you know how people have friends? Sometimes you hang out with a particular friend more than other friends? This is basically that. They will have love stored in diamonds coming in from the Crystal Empire so they're in no way reliant upon feeding on ponies directly when they can just feed on the donated love. So it's not necessary for them to "bond" with anyone, the idea is that they just get along well with the individual ponies and may share some interests or something. Much more mundane than them becoming "pets".
Like, I can imagine one of Taylor's kids being a book worm (lol) and getting along well with Twilight. Or maybe one of the ones that becomes a "soldier" (as in the category of changeling, rather than a drone or a queen, they don't necessarily have to actually fight) might admire Rainbow Dash as the Element of Loyalty, becoming a fan sort of like Scootaloo but for different reasons. Or one of them might really like animals and sometimes heads over to Fluttershy's house to help her take care of the animals. Things like that. They don't need them for food.
If earth bet is based on the real world wouldn't weaver give Celestia examples of myths with self fulfilling prophecies like odipus?
Hey great job on the edits, they make the chewing out less jarring to read and more like mature individuals resolving a problem where one of them fucked up.
11862149
She probably could. I didn't think of it at the time, and she'd kinda have to interject but I can sort of see her mentioning something like that if she talks to Celestia by herself after the fact.
11862257
Thanks! The initial ass chewing was mainly because I genuinely couldn't think of another reason why Celestia would handle things the way she did in canon. I knew it felt off when I posted it, but yeah her wanting to retire was the best I could come up with and her saying that would make Amore mad. Understandably so, I think. It was only because someone else gave me a good explanation for a very different reasoning that I could go back and fix it.
So, it seems I'm late reading this chapter, two rewrites apparently. I have a few things to say, but first things first
It looks like someone lost two eggs there.
With that out of the way. I liked how this chapter ended.
As far as Celestia's precognition goes, I haven't seen any evidence that unquestionably proves that she is, all the arguments in favor of the idea can fall into two categories, preplanned instead of precognitive, or Celestia being overconfident. The fact that a lot of things that could end the world happened under Celestia's nose without her having any idea can also be used as evidence to contradict the hypothesis of her precognition.
Does it bother me when this plot appears in a story? Heck No! As long as it's not used as some kind of Mary Sue ability; and here it doesn't seem to be implemented that way, so don't take my opinion above as negative to your story.
Aside from that...has anyone ever talked down Celestia? I find it curious to see Celestia reduced to a scolded filly on the verge of tears; But I guess if anyone can realistically do it, it would be another millennial monarch with a lot of valid gripes.
Goddamn, Luna! I know your sister threw you to the moon for a thousand years, but you didn't have to throw her under the bus like that!
That line made me chuckle. While not important, I think an interesting point of view was missed here, this being Luna's.
What is Luna's opinion, or in this case emotions, when she sees her sister being scolded like that? Was she surprised to see the 'all powerful' Celestia reduced to a scolded filly? Was she outraged to see her sister being reproached? Was she making a monumental effort to contain the glee of seeing her older sister, the 'one beloved by all' being humbled for the first time in her life?
11862579
Old error I fixed before but reappeared when I copy and pasted the whole chapter again since I hadn't updated the google doc to fix the mistake there. I should've just copy and pasted the stuff I changed rather than the whole chapter. Something to keep in mind for the future I suppose, Thanks! Fixed!
I originally didn't even know it was a thing until it was pointed out to me and I looked it up. And, yeah, it's apparently an obscure but canon power she has. This is pretty much the best proof I found:
To be fair, Luna did elaborate on their disagreement later.
And you're right. I probably should have included Luna's emotions in all of this. I imagine she would have been a bit... conflicted? Like she loves Celestia and wouldn't want to see her upset. So seeing Celestia start to break down when confronted with the fact Twilight and the others very nearly died, would upset Luna. But I can imagine there's just that lingering bit of envy which would give her a bit of schadenfreude at seeing Celestia knocked down a peg. And she would, of course, be completely ashamed that she felt said schadenfreude which would contribute to a sense of self loathing since that sort of thing is what lead to her becoming Nightmare Moon in the first place. So negatives all around, really.
11862592
Just for the sake of the argument, If Celestia were a mastermind who had been using precognition powers for centuries to manipulate the flow of events to always be on top... Why would she call something that, by custom to her, should clearly be referred as a vision... 'a dream'?
Answer: Because she is not a Precog, she never has been, and what she experienced was just a dream, a nightmare caused by the anxiety resulting from knowing that Tirek is free outside.
Fans simply took what Luna (NOT Celestia) in her typical overdramatic behavior called 'a vision' and built on this idea of Celestia being a Precog and ran with it.
Celestia is a planner and sometimes bets on hunches of an event happening one way, she pretty much 'nurture' Twilight from fillyhood to coronation with a mix of those two things, that is canon; but she being a Precog Mastermind? That is fanon.
Celestia having pink mane when she was young? Fanon.
Luna referring to Celestia as Tia? Fanon.
Is it wrong for fans to use these elements as part of their stories? Heck No! You saw this piece of fanon, thought it fit your story, and did a great job implementing it into your story. Don't let a silly debate about the veracity of a narrative element limit your creativity in telling the story you want to tell.