Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!

by Awesomedude17

What the... did I Get Drunk on Vodka?

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomeman17

Dempsey and Nikolai had seen three cases so far of interdimensional travel from guys who shouldn't have done it tonight. Once from a stupidly muscular man in Twilight's library. A second one from an African-American who claims that 'Old Spice Body Spray makes you smell like... POWER!!!', and finally...

"Thank you, Dempsey, for getting rid of that Dalek."

"Whatever. Hey, I never got your name."

"Ah yes, I am the Doctor."

"Doctor Who?"

"Exactly, goodbye." The man went into his phone-booth and faded out of existence while making a whirring noise.

"How come others are coming and going as they please?"

"I don't know Dempsey, lets just get drunk."

"Whatev..."Dempsey then realized something, "AW FUCK! We could have gone with that bow-tie man back home."

"Really? Ugg, I need drink now. Hey, there is bar." Indeed, the bar Nikolai was last night.

"Great, let's go in."

The two entered the bar, and Berry recognized Nikolai immediately.

"Hey, aren't you that guy who was knocked out by that gryphon?"

Dempsey turned to his partner and said, "Really Nikolai, what did you say to it?"

"That it was both lion and eagle and 'what the fuck'."

Dempsey face-palmed, Dammit Nikolai. Why did you have to be so stupid?

The two sat down on stools, then Dempsey said "Give me a beer, nice, cold and frothy."

"Coming up!"

Nikolai wanted something too, "Bring some vodka too. Not too cheap, not too expensive." Or else Twilight would make me work again. Wait I didn't work, the bug things made me fight instead. Heh...

"Okay then..." Berry was thinking about this man, This guy must have learned his lesson. Good on him.

"So Nikolai, what things did you do while you were here?"

"Okay; I appeared in apple farm, met Applejack and Twilight, when to the town, got tackled by Rainbow Dash, met Rarity and called her bitch, went to library to answer questions, came here last night, got drunk, got punched, sleepwalked..."

"Sleepwalking?"

"Remember abandoned cinema we fought in, movie was shit, no?"

"You sleepwalked there? I didn't even notice."

"Your drinks, sirs." They are having an interesting conversation. Better listen in.

"Thank you."

"Yeah, Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Nikolai didn't hesitate to drink a shot, then two, then three. Now he was drunk again. "So, where was I? Oh yeah, I sleepwalk to fancy pony's house and... find out secret."

"I know what you are talking about man, really."

Secret? Better really listen in, gossip can bring in a lot of costumers.

"Then I blew up fancy pony's toilet, and got tied up to listen to shit story."

"What story?"

"Oh no. I am not reminding myself of story, you ask Rarity."

Rarity?

"Fine."

"Then Twilight tell's me I have debt and that I can't drink in morning."

"Woah, I'm surprised she isn't hurt. Or worse."

"Yeah, me too. Then I walk back to farm, and on way, I show Applejack and Rainbow what Ray can do."

"The Ray Gun. Really?"

"Da, I blew up tree."

A tree, I bet that 'Ray Gun' is a massive weapon that...

"Yep, I used this Ray Gun." Nikolai said holding the Porter's X2 Ray Gun in his left hand.

...you got to be kidding me. That thing is what blew up a...

"POOOOOOOWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"

The two humans and mare bartender said simultaneously, "What the..."

"OLD SPICE BODY SPRAY CAN SELL ITSELF IN ALTERNATE DIMENSIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!" The black man then yelled into a random stallion and somehow dressed him as a pharaoh. "BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE... POOOOWWWWWWWWWWEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!"

"Wow, I feel more..."

"POTATO CHIP!"

The stallion then turned into a vending machine, which the black man proceeded to punch and get a bag of chips. He opened the bag and ate one chip, then shrugged.

"What... just... happened?" Dempsey was fucking confused.

"POOOOWWWEEEeeee-" was all he said as he flew out somehow.

"Let's pay the tab and get out of here. Out of here." Dempsey needed to rest his brain now.

"Fine, that'll be 31 bits please." Berry wanted to know more, but the secret involved Rarity, so that's something.

The two men split the check and left, Dempsey for Rarity, Nikolai for Sweet Apple Acres.

---

Rarity wanted to be with Fluttershy, but the secret was getting hot, they would have to keep low for a while.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

"Coming~."

She opened the door to reveal Dempsey.

"Oh Tank, come in."

"Yeah, I'm crashing tonight. Hope you don't mind."

"Not at all. After all, you're not Nikolai."

"Yeah, did he really blow up..."

"Yes, It's going to cost me 75 bits to replace it. I may be generous, but even generosity has its limits, and Nikolai is on the verge of not getting anything from me."

"Yeah, he's a fucking moron."

"Please don't use that language. Please."

"Fine, maybe you'll tell about... you and... her."

Rarity looked around and said, "Upstairs, in my room."

"Right."

And the two went upstairs, Rarity then told Dempsey how she fell in love with Fluttershy, and how Nikolai found out.

"That stupid drunk. At least he didn't taunt you."

"It felt like he wanted to, but was interrupted too much to do so."

"Right, so I bet you're wondering how I got here?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"Fine," Dempsey sat down on the bed, "Here's what happened when I came here."

---

-Last Night-

Dempsey appeared in a hallway that he didn't recognize. He then took off his P.E.S. Helmet. This better be where Nikolai went. He still owes me.

He turned around and saw a horse with wings, a horn and jewelry on it.

"What the fuck."

"Who are you?" asked the horse.

"The name's Tank Dempsey. Where am I?"

"In Equestria. I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of this land along with my sister."

"Okay, you seen a drunk around here? About ye high, same kind as me." Dempsey put his hand to about how high Nikolai was.

"No, I haven't."

"Great, that stupid device took me to the wrong place."

"Device?"

"Nevermind, I'm going to kill the author."

Well Dempsey, I thought you would want to do something other than fight zombies.

"Yeah I do."

"Who are you talking to?"

"SISTER! WHAT ART THOU DOING WITH THY CREATURE!"

"AH, FUCK!" Dempsey covered his ears, Screechbags are here? No, it spoke, in an outdated way of speaking.

"Luna, this creature means no harm, it is merely looking for its companion."

"I'm a he! And you..." Dempsey pointed at Luna, "Quiet down, you nearly made my eardrums bled."

"Oh, we... I mean, I'm sorry, I am just not used to speaking in modern..."

"Not used to, why the hell not?"

"I was corrupted once and then sent to the moon for a thousand years by my sister."

Dempsey looked at Celestia, whom looked solemnly sad. This princess sent her sister to the moon, FOR 1000 YEARS!!!

"I call bullshit! There is no way you could have survived long without Oxygen, food and water."

"WE HAVE WAYS!"

"Dammit, shut up!"

"Do not speak to my sister like that!" Celestia was ready to defend her sister now.

"Shut up you, you better have a way to take me back home or so help me..."

"I may have a way to take you back Dempsey, but you'll have to wait a few days."

"Fine, I need a vacation anyways."

---

"So that is what happened for the first few hours. You want more?"

"No, that's enough." Rarity yawned rather tiredly, "I need to sleep. Goodnight Dempsey."

"Yeah, goodnight Rarity." Dempsey proceeded to go to the couch downstairs to sleep. His last thought before going to sleep was this...

I'm going to be back Richtofen, and this time, no mercy.

Comments

[Awesomedude17]

cache.blippitt.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/old-spice-commercial.gif
This was the guy.

[YorkBrony]

1334907
RUFFIAN!