• Published 6th Nov 2020
  • 12,220 Views, 84 Comments

Anon’s a Villain and Wins - Yellowtail



Yep. Anon’s a villain. And he won. Though, the main six try to stop him...

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Villain Plotting is just a Stereotype

I cross my arms as I look around my grey throne room. The floor’s concrete, which I bought on sale, the chandelier above is crystalline, with red and green gems (Christmas decorations were on %60 off), and the windows are tinted. On the other side of the room, are two iron-armored diamond dogs standing guard. The crowning jewel, is the dark oak table, with a dope and sleek curvy-diamond shape to it. Not gonna lie, it’s looking hella fresh in here. To think, my villainy started with ten diamond dogs and a bargain on salt. A gold-armored diamond dog rushes up to me. “Ah, Bones, good to see you,” I say, sitting down on my dank throne of cushioned concrete. It’s not comfortable, but I’m saving up for a massage chair, so it’ll be worth it.

“My lord! We have captured a small dragon!” My loyal guard says.

“Bring him in,” I say. He nods, and runs back. As I wait, I frown as I look at the room. I should’ve gotten that black rug I saw at Walcart, would’ve tied the room together more. I look at a clock I set on my armrest, and notice the time. “... Hm...” Bones come back with two other diamond-dog guards, who carry a small purple dragon. With him, are six oddly shapes gems attached to golden necklaces.

“Here he is,” a dog says. The dragon flares up at me.

“You, will never, EVER, get away with-“

“To the dungeon,” I say nonchalantly. “Smash the gems.” The guards smash the gems with the side of their great axes, to the horror of the dragon.

“Wha- but- NO!!!” He yells as he’s dragged off. I smile as I look at the shattered pieces.

“Man, think we could put those on the chandelier?” I ask. Bones grunts.

“Erm, my lord, I know we’re on a budget, but let’s reserve some dignity please,” he says. I sigh.

“Alright, fine. Clean it up. Turn it into glitter or something,” I say, disinterested. Bones salutes me and runs off to get a pan and duster. I smile a bit as I look around again. “Now, let’s wrap this up guys, I’ve got a to-go order at Wendi’s.” The remaining dogs salute and hurry out to prepare. No princesses to hinder me, no ponies forcing their friendship on me, all is right with the- my internal monologue’s interrupted by a loud crash. I cover my eyes and feel bits of glass hit my sleeves before looking over it and seeing the absolute tragedy that is now my throne room. I can see Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity. Strange, pretty sure I threw them into a never-ending soul-stairwell or something. Though, Rarity’s out-cold for some reason. Must’ve fainted from the Beholder I placed there. With how many eyes it has, I’m wondering why Fluttershy didn’t pass out.

“Anonymous!” The Booksmart Brat yells. “Your tyranny and- wait, where’s Spike?” She stops to look around before noticing the smashes crystals/gems/whatever the fuck they are on the ground. The other five ponies around her follow her gaze and gasp dramatically.

“What the buck!? Is that our Elements of Harmony!?” Rainbow yells, flying over. “These- these were-“

“What did you do to Spike!?” Twilight yells.

“Who? The dragon?” I ask.

“Anon, he’s the only dragon you know,” Applejack deadpans.

“Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean I particularly care,” I retort. “Anyway, I sent the literal bastard down the dungeons. Didn’t feel like dealing with him personally.”

“You’re horrible!” Fluttershy yells.

“I’M horrible!?” I yell. I throw a hand to the table and chandelier they’ve crashed on. “YOU BROKE MY GOD DAMN TABLE!!! I PAID A FORTUNE FOR THAT TABLE!!!” Rainbow looks at the table and furrows her brow. She hovers over to it, picking up some red and green crystals, connected by wire.

“Are these... Hearthswarming lights?” She asks.

“Don’t bash me for the stupid lights, they were sixty percent off!” I yell. “Y’all just fuckin’ costed me at least half of my budget!” I yell.

“Stop stalling! What are your evil plans!?” Twilight yells.

“It’s none of y’all’s damn business- BONES!!!” I yell. His golden helmeted head leans into view. “They just broke the fucking table! How much did that cost us!?”

“Uh- I dunno, let me check with Retch!” Bones yells, before disappearing from view.

“Will you forget about the stupid table, we’re going to stop you with the power of friendship!” Twilight declares.

“Yeah! And we’ll take your meanie butt down!” Pinkie adds.

“Oh cry me a river,” I say, lifting my hand and glaring at them. I snap, springing lightning from the ceiling into Twilight. Her hair’s comically puffed up, and she falls down, unconscious, as everyone else stares in shock.

“Wha- WHEN THE BUCK DID YOU CONTROL LIGHTNING!?!?” Rainbow yells.

“Black Friday sales at Walcart, before the reckoning! You’d be surprised by how many voodoo-books are on sale!” I yell triumphantly. I snap again, and lightning strikes Rainbow, causing her to fall to the ground.

“Hey! That’s not fair!” Pinkie yells. I snap and electrify her too.

“Now wait an apple-pickin’ minute, you’re supposed to let us give a speech about-“ I interrupt Applejack with lightning.

“U-um-“ I zap Fluttershy. Rarity, slowly getting up and blinking, looks around.

“... How did I get here-“ I zap Rarity and her British-speakin’ ass. I sigh as I see that every pony’s out cold and in a pile.

“.... BOOOOONES!!!” I yell. A moment of silence hangs in the air, until the slow putter-patter of feet get louder and louder. Finally, Bones skids to a halt before entering the room.

“Yes lord?” He asks.

“... What’s the cost of the table and chandelier?” I ask. He sighs.

“Erm, about five thousand bits sir,” he says. I drop to my knees, as shock runs through me.

“... NOOOOOOOOO!!!” I yell, slamming my fists into the floor, causing a shockwave of electricity. I look at my expertly crafted table in sorrow. For I have won, but at what cost?

“Well- my lord- don’t fret, I believe there’s still a warranty in place on it,” Bones says. I perk up, smiling.

“Really!? Yes! Hurry, we might have time to fix it!” I yell, scrambling to get up and run out. “Retch! Wherever you are, find the table’s warranty! Bones, take the ponies to the dungeons! I’ve got shit to fix!” With that, Bones sighs, picking up three of the ponies with one arm.

“Frank! I need help over here!” Bones yells.

“Yes Bowss!” Frank says, suddenly behind Bones, scaring him.

“Celestia’s sake- how many times did I tell you not to do that!?” Bones yells...


Spike grunts as he’s being dragged to the dungeons by a gruff iron-clad diamond dog. “You still won’t get away with this! The princesses would never allow-“

“Spike, is that you?” A confused, motherly voice asks. Spike looks over to see a “cell”, where the bars are iron, the floor is... carpeted? The walls have a fresh coat of blue paint on them, with various pictures and shelves set up, holding movies, books, and even a tea set. A small table sits in the middle, with the two Equestrian princesses sitting together with cups of tea in their magical grasp. The room is illuminated by several scented candles. Spike thinks it smells like Lavender.

“Princess Celestia? Princess Luna!? W-what are you-“ Spike feels his confusion grow even more as the diamond dog gently sets him in the cell before closing the door, locking it. “What’s going on?”

“Hm? This?” Luna asks, gesturing to the room. “Early retirement.” Celestia sighs.

“What she means is, we’re here on our own accord,” Celestia says. Spike raises an eyebrow.

“But, Anonymous said he foal-napped you?” Celestia giggles.

“He did, but he convinced us to stay. No politics, no nobles, all I have to do is raise and lower the sun and ‘chill’ as he says.” Luna nods, sipping her cup.

“We can leave when we want,” she says.

“So, why haven’t you? Equestria has been taken over by Anonymous! We don’t know what he’s gonna-“

“He’s going to reinstate Black Friday sales,” Celestia interrupts. “Oh, and control the government, but that’s more of an after thought.”

“But- I don’t-“ Spike sputters.

“Come, sit down, enjoy some tea,” Luna says.

“Anon broke the elements of harmony!” Spike blurts out.

“... That is a little worrisome... oh well, I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Celestia says nonchalantly. “These things have a way of sorting themselves out anyway.”

“So... Anonymous won?” Spike asks dejectedly. “The villain won?”

“Villain? Oh please,” Luna scoffs. “He’s not much of a villain as he is an annoyance.”

“I just don’t... This doesn’t make any sense! Why take over Equestria for some stupid sale!?” Spike asks.

“Well, we think that’s why he’s doing all this. We aren’t entirely sure,” a Celestia notes. “... Spike, what all has Anonymous done?”

“Uh, he’s taken a bunch of towns by force, he destroyed an orphanage for puppies, made a bunch of ponies jobless-“ as Spike keeps listing off the horrible deeds, Celestia and Luna’s eyes widen. “... Aaaaaand, he started taxing hay.”

“... He certainly never told us this,” Luna says.

“Woo!” A new voice yells. The diamond dogs guarding the cell salute as I walk by, and stop in front of the bars. “Let me tell ya, worst heart attack ever. Ya know, your asshole of a student just destroyed my throne-table, and-“

“Anon, you’ve destroyed an orphanage? Of puppies no less!” Luna yells, getting up. I groan.

“For the last time, those puppies don’t pay, those puppies I’ll slay,” I explain.

“Pay what!?” Spike asks.

“Taxes,” I state.

“Wha- puppies don’t pay taxes!” Luna yells.

“Yeah, it was a big problem,” a diamond dog says.

“Wait, why are you okay with this?” Celestia asks.

“I pay taxes, children pay taxes. Circle of life,” he answers. The diamond dog next him nods. “Leader smart. Puppies have more gems. Has to pay like everyone else now.” I give a smirk, knowing that my genius must be showing right now.

“What about hay? Why did you tax hay?” Celestia asks.

“If they eat hay, then they gotta pay,” I say simply. Luna squints her eyes.

“Are all your taxes based on rhymes?” She asks.

“Only the good ones,” I say. “The bad ones get taxed.”

“Why didn’t you tell us any of this?” Celestia asks. I smile.

“Well, you see, I was using an advanced tactic there, called lying,” I answer.

“You need to be stopped,” Luna says, stepping up. She reaches for the door, but her hoof gets zapped. She falls to the floor, shaking as electricity continues running through her.

“Yeah, I also lied about the whole, ‘you can leave if you want’ thing,” I comment.

“Lord Anon is smort,” a dog says. The other dog bonks his head.

“It’s smert, not smort!” He yells.

“It’s smart, you’re both idiots,” I deadpan. I turn to the princesses and dragon. “Welp, I wanted to rub it in your face. Mission accomplished. See ya, I’ve got a country to rule with an iron-zappy fist.” I turn to leave, only to stop when Spike yells.

“Where’s Twilight!? What did you do to her and her friends!?” He yells. I sigh.

“Oh, you wanna know? I sent them to nonya,” I say. Spike squints.

“...What’s nonya?”

“Nonya damn business Bitch,” I say, laughing at the wordplay. I feel a tap to my shoulder, and I look over to see a nervous dog. “What? I’m in the middle of poking fun at my captives.”

“The ponies escaped,” he whispers. I stare at him for a second. I curl my hands into fists as electricity courses through me, lashing into the air around me. The dog backs up a bit.

“... They, fuckin’, WHAT!?!?” I yell.

“Erm, Frank-“ I throw my head back as I yell.

“FRAAAAANK!!!”

“Yes Boss!” Frank says behind me, saluting. I whip around and glare daggers into him.

“When did he get there?” Celestia asks herself.

“HOW DID THEY ESCAPE!?!?” I yell. Frank shrugs. “Bitch, I need a bit better than I DON’T KNOW!!!” Frank thinks back to thirty minutes ago...

Thirty minutes ago...

Twilight and her friend look around their dark, wet, and uncomfortable concrete cell. Rarity was filled in on what happened, but Twilight’s still in disbelief. “I can’t believe he didn’t divulge his evil plan!” Twilight yells. The diamond dog guarding them, Frank, hits the iron bars and gives a short screech.

“He’s such a jerk,” Rainbow Dash mutters. “I can’t wait to knock his-“

“REEEEEEEEE!!!” Frank yells. The diamond dog next to him sighs.

“Why am I always next to Frank?” He asks himself. He furrows his brow. “Wait- what’s that smell?” He sniffs some more before turning to Frank. “Ew, you’re filthy. When did you clean yourself?”

“... Can I have a soap pls?” He asks. The diamond dog rolls his eyes and walks out.

“Sure, if that’s what’ll get me away from you...” As he walks off, Pinkie sighs.

“And here, I was gonna use this McDon’s gift card today after we won!” She says sadly. Frank’s eyes shoot open and he latches onto the bars.

“HAMBURGER PLS!!!” He yells, scaring everyone away, with Fluttershy jumping behind Applejack. Rarity suddenly gets an idea.

“Uh, darling, do you want the gift card?” She asks, stepping forward.

“YES BOSS!!!” He replies. Rarity holds a hoof out to Pinkie, who catches on and hands her the gift card from her mane. Frank’s mouth waters as he thinks of the hamburger he’ll get.

“How does a gift card for a key sound?” Rarity asks coyly. Frank’s practically throws the key at them, to which Rarity catches with her magic. She levitates the card to Frank, who takes it and runs out in a hurry. He can’t wait to get a kid’s toy with his meal!

Present

“... Bowss, I have a the cancer,” Frank responds. I face palm.

“Right, you can’t even talk right to begin with, why the fuck would I ask you,” I say. I turn to the princesses and dragon. “You fuckers better not escape, I put a lot of money into this cell.” With that, I leave to plan out what I’m gonna do to those meddling ponies. But first, I have a to go order at the local Wendi’s. I smile wickedly, knowing none shall stand in the way of my path to a 2 for 5 bit meal deal at Wendi’s... wait. I frown and look at the time, panic coming over me. No. I feel tears fall down my face. They always give away the food after thirty minutes. It’s been an hour. I fall the floor, tears streaming now.

“Dammit all... DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!!” I yell, pain and suffering coming down on me as I realized I just lost five entire bits worth of food. Five bits I’m not getting back. In the end, I’ve won in taking over Equestria, but I must ask myself this: at what cost?...

Author's Note:

The villain has won... Continue?
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