• Published 6th Nov 2020
  • 12,220 Views, 84 Comments

Anon’s a Villain and Wins - Yellowtail



Yep. Anon’s a villain. And he won. Though, the main six try to stop him...

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Epilogue: The Hard Fought Victory

I sigh as I zap the generator in the Super-Awesome-Ultra-Castle-(of)-Excellencey!... also known as S.A.U.C.E. For kicks, some of my diamond dog guards call it the Hot SAUCE. I zap the generator myself to save on electricity. Seriously, electric powers are cool. “Okay Bones, what’s today’s deal?” I ask tiredly. “More importantly, how’s our budget?” I ask this as I close the wooden door labeled as ‘royal garbage disposal’, masking the generator’s presence.

“Let’s see, um,” Bones, sitting at the newly-refurnished-throne-table, flips through the lists he has in front of him. “There’s a super-evil meeting at five in the afternoon, to which you cancelled but plan to attend anyway for... whatever reason. Next, you plan to bring out a thunder storm to scare ponies into mining faster, or else you’ll zap the rails and electrocute any pony daring to laze around and play with mine carts, around noon. And finally-“ Bones is interrupted by a brick being thrown through a window, with the sounds of screaming, shouting and rioting. “The uh insurgency matter you scheduled to deal with a little before noon.” I groan out loud as I see him look up to deadpan at me.

“I’ll deal with it,” I say, stopping him from saying anything. He nods.

“Oh, and revising pay raises for your guards,” he says. I smile.

“Ah yes, revising the pay raise for-“ I shoot a glare at him and quickly rush to the table, slamming (gently) my fist onto it, shooting electricity everywhere. “Do I look like I was born yesterday!?” Bones sighs, unaffected by my rage.

“Worth a try,” he mutters.

“You know as well as anyone that the deal was ‘if it was smooth sailing, I’ll double it.’ However, given how you mutts managed to fuck up handling SIX GOD-FORSAKEN-SIMPLE-MUD-IN-THE-STICKS-PONIES,” I hold up a finger. “CONSTANTLY COMPLAIN HOW I’M AN ASS,” I hold up another. “Oh and who could forget NO NUT NOVEMBER!?!?” I yell, holding up the rest of my fingers. Bones, unflinching, nods.

“Fair point,” he says. “But No Nut November wasn’t my fault, that just kinda happened on it’s own.” I sigh.

“Look, tell you what. I’ll give you and your forces a raise if you can-“ The the window bursts as Rainbow Dash crashes through. She almost crashes into the table, but a field shows itself as she gets near. She hits it, and I can see brief fear in her eyes before the field bounces back and launches her out the same window. “... Anyway, as I was saying,” I start. “I’ll give you a raise if you can capture them again. Start with that annoying pest Rainbow Crash.”

“It’s Dash,” Bones corrects.

“And I don’t care,” I say. I walk over to the window, noting how the riot has quieted down a bit. The ponies all stare at a wounded Rainbow Dash. “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT BITCH!?!? MAGICAL COUNTER AGAINST PHYSICAL FORCES!!!” I yell. “AND FOR YOU WRETCHED RIOTERS-“ I throw up a hand and lightning strikes a random pony. “LOITER ANY LONGER AND I’LL ELECTROCUTE YOU ALL!!!” The mass of ponies scramble to run in separate directions as I laugh. I turn around and notice a shadow on the other window across from me. I frown. It crashes, with Applejack flying in. However, just like Rainbow, she almost hits the table, but the enchantment catches her and yeets her the fuck out. “Are they aiming for my fucking table?” I ask. Bones shrugs.

“It’s how I’d piss you off,” he says. Suddenly, a flash blinds me.

“GOD FUCKING-“ I turn away to rub my eyes.

“It’s over Anonymous! Your reign of- where’s Rainbow and Applejack?” Twilight looks around as I turn around and shoot lightning at them. Twilight’s quick, and shields herself... leaving the rest of her friends, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rairty to suffer the electrocution. She furrows her brow. “You won’t get away with this! I’ll beat you with the power of friendship!” She yells.

“And I’ll stop you with the power of-“ I stop and pull out a pistol. “-this gun I found!” I fire the pistol, hitting her right foreleg. She screams in pain, falling over.

“What the buck!?” She yells. “Why do you have a gun!?”

“Can’t rely on electricity all the time. Besides, I got this in the local black market on sale, so I wanted to make sure it works,” I say. Her horn starts to glow, but I shoot her other leg, causing her to stop and scream. Bones furrows his brow as he looks over.

“What the- there’s no blood boss!” He says.

“Of course there isn’t. What, you thought we had the money for real bullets?” I ask. Bones walks over and picks up a rubber bullet. “Just because they’re cheaper doesn’t mean they don’t hurt.”

“But... but they aren’t,” Bones says.

“... What?” I ask.

“Rubber is kind of expensive in quantities. How many did you buy?” Bones asks. I look at my gun, and think of the armory’s amount of ammunition.

“... GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!” I yell, falling to my knees.

“... Should we take the ponies to the-“

“OF FUCKING COURSE YOU DOLT!!!” I yell, sending sparks of electricity everywhere as I glare at him. “GET WRETCH AND THAT DIMWIT TO- no, forget Frank, he-“

“Yes boss?” Frank says behind me, making me jump.

“Why are you here?” I ask, growling a bit.

“... Hamburger pls?” He asks.

“You know damn well why I am not going to give you a hamburger,” I say, causing him to shrink a bit.

“... I have a da cancer,” he says.

“GO BACK TO YOUR POST BEFORE I NEUTER YOU!!!” I yell, causing him to yip and scramble off. I turn back and walk to my throne, which finally has a massage setting. I sit down, tap a button, and it starts shaking. I sigh a bit, letting the chair do it’s work.

“Monster!” Twilight yells, grabbing my attention. I look over and see her glaring at me, with a magic concealing ring. It stops her from using magic. “Why? Why did you do any of this!?” She yells.

“Isn’t it obvious?” I ask. “My goals are beyond your understanding.” She huffs as she’s taken away. I look up, relaxing in the chair. Now that I think about it, why did I start all this? I know there was a goal in mind, but what was it?

Five Months Ago...

I grumble as I feel Twilight poke me. “Anon. Anon, I need some money.” I look over in my bed, keeping the fluffy sheets around me.

“For what?” I ask irritably.

“I want to go to McDon’s, and they have a sale on Big Mac’s Big Macs,” she says.

“Is it a good sale?” I ask tiredly.

“It’s two for ten bits,” she says.

“... for two Big Macs?” I ask.

“No, for two Big Mac meals,” she says. I sigh.

“Fine. But I better get the other one. I’m hungry.” Twilight rolls her eyes and opens my nightstand’s drawers.

“Anon, given how you’re living in my castle for free, I think I should be taking your money anyway,” she says.

“And yet, I’m paid ten bits for two hours,” I grumble.

“Then quit that job,” she says. She looks at the money in my drawer, which is around twenty bits, and hums to herself. “Hey, I’mma grab some bits to get Spike a Big Mac too, that okay?” I grumble an affirmative.

“Just pay me back tomorrow,” I say. She rolls her eyes and walks away with the money. I sigh. She’s a bit bitchier today.

It’s been a day. I sigh as I look into my drawer. She hasn’t paid me back in full. “Hey Twilight!” I call. Her head pops into my room. “You gonna pay me back?” I ask.

“I did,” she says. I blink.

“... You’re missing six bits,” I say.

“Well, that was used for your own meal. I used the sale for me and Spike,” she says.

“But... I asked for it first,” I say.

“Well, you live here for free, so I don’t think six bits will really-“

“YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY!!!” I yell, gathering up my money. “YOU WILL PAY FOR STEALING!!! I SWEAR IT!!!”

“Anon, it’s six bits,” Twilight deadpans. “What were you going to use it for?”

“Fuckin’ massage chair Twilight! This castle’s missing a god damn massage chair!” I yell. “Ain’t no way royalty can’t afford a fuckin’ massage chair!” With that, I walk out the door.

Present

I hum as I remember this flashback. “... It’s time for me to collect,” I say. “In. Fucking. Full.”

“Sir?” Bones asks, making me jump.

“What the- why aren’t you detaining the ponies!?” I yell.

“But... I did,” he says.

“... Oh... Right...” I awkwardly rub the back of my neck, turning off my massage chair. “... Welp, let’s go visit the ponies. It’s time they pay,” I say, glaring at the wall ahead of me.

Twilight perks up seeing me walk down. “Anon, this time, you’ll-“

“It’s time for payback Twilight Sparkle,” I say, electricity running through me. “I intend to get every last ounce of payback.”

“Do your worst,” she says, glaring.

“... What?” I ask. “What do you mean ‘Do your worst’? I’m not a tax collector, I just want my six bits!” I yell. To this, Bones blinks and looks at me in total confusion.

“... Are you bucking kidding me Anon?” She asks. “THIS is what your villainy has been about!? Six bits!? You’ve committed atrocities, for-“

“The value of six bits,” I say.

“... HOW DID WE LOSE TO YOU!?!?” Twilight asks.

“By being stupid, now give me my money!” I yell.

“Wait, boss, is all this really worth-“

“IT’S THE PRINCIPLE BONES!!! NOW GIVE ME SIX BITS YOU GREEDY BITCH!!!” I yell.

“... Will you let us go if I do?” She asks.

“Fuck no, I’m going to make sure this shit never happens again,” I say.

“How?” She asks.

“Destroying the root of the problem,” I growl.

“... No,” Twilight says, confusing Bones.

“Sir, what are you-“

“I’m gonna destroy McDon’s,” I say. He simply stares at me incredulously. No doubt because of my big brain.

“... Buck it, I’m not paid to be smart,” Bones says.

“Anon, you cannot seriously be-“

“Does this look like a fucking game?” I ask the lavender magical unicorn princess of friendship.

“... I keep my money in a safe in my room. It’s Celestia’s birthday,” she says, sighing.

“Now, was that so hard?” I ask. “My plans will come to fruition soon, and not only will I finally pay the diamond dogs, but the world will be amazed by my rule.”


I keep a smile on as the local McDon’s burns to the ground. I got a self-made permit and Bones granted it. “Alright sir, which McDon’s is next?” He asks. I give him a confused look.

“What? Why would I destroy any other McDon’s?” I ask. He blinks.

“But, lord, you said-“

“I said I was getting rid of the root of the problem. No root, no problem,” I say, causing him to look at me in astonishment. “I won Bones. You and your forces are free to go after I pay your dues.” I turn around and start walking back to my castle.

“But- but your castle, your status, your powers-“

“I counted the money you all gave it to me, I paid for all of it, it’s all legally mine,” I say. “I paid for the damages I caused, hence why we’re always on a budget. Everything I’ve changed is directly owned by me now. Except you and your people of course.” Bones stops following me and stares at me as I keep walking off.

“... YOU DID ALL THIS FOR SIX BITS AND A MCDON’S!?!?” Bones yells. Without looking, I give him a thumbs up. He sputters as he takes off his helmet. His entire career has started... for the sole purpose... of destroying a McDon’s establishment... and six bits... He laughs a bit, shaking his head before putting the helmet back on and running towards me. “Wait sir!” He calls...

One Week Later...

The now-free ponies and royalty look at my looming castle in disbelief. They still can’t get over the fact that they legally cannot tear it down. However, they’re more worried about the patrolling diamond dog guards still roaming around. I walk by them with my mail, whistling. “Anon!” Princess Celestia calls, drawing my attention.

“What?” I ask.

“Why do you still have guards?” She asks.

“Because, one, they think I’m a good leader, two, I manage their expenses and I became their legal counselor. And finally, because we kinda grew close in the past five months,” I answer simply.

“Why... Why did you take over Equestria, and then drop it all a week ago on purpose!?” Luna asks.

“I got what I wanted. I don’t want more than that,” I say simply. I smile at them and continue my walk back to the castle as the ponies gawk at me.

“... Twilight, remember to never borrow his money again,” Rarity says. “If he did all that for six bits, I don’t want to know what he’d do for better reasons...” All the ponies look at the dark, ominous castle, patrolled by many armored diamond dogs, knowing an evil genius lives there. An evil genius who’s won, and didn’t want to ruin the world.

The End-

“Hey Boss!” Frank yells, catching me as I internally monologued.

“Oh for the love of- what Frank!?” I yell. He pulls out a Burger Queen Whopper, offering it. I sigh. “... Alright, I can’t stay mad at you forever,” I say, patting his head and taking the whopper. He smiles and salutes before running off. I sit in my massage chair-throne and take out the newspaper. Its headline reads ‘Evil Villain Wins, Stops Tyranny?’

“Um, lord Anon?” Bone asks. I look over to see my golden-clad right-hand-dog. “Whatever did you do to tell the ponies you sent to the mines to come back?” I blink, and silence reigns in the throne room. “... You did tell them you weren’t going to electrify them, right?” I clear my throat and pull out a newspaper, flipping to a random page to try and ignore Bones. “...Did you even check on them after you stepped down?!” He asks with genuine worry.

“That’s more of the ponies’ problem. I don’t think they want me to do anything for a while,” I say. Bones sighs, before giving a short laugh.

“Well, if you need me, I’m going to go watch Scubbah Dubbah Doo. Fascinating cartoon,” he says. With that, he walks off as I enjoy my burger in massaging-bliss-peace.

Author's Note:

The Heroes have failed... Good Ending.

Author’s note: Fuck it- we’ve made it this far- LET’S SHOOT FOR FEATURED BOIS/GURLS!!!

Comments ( 48 )

It's just good business. - Anon, probably

Cala #2 · Nov 17th, 2020 · · ·

Awesome. You should do a spin off where he demands moooar... As in, interest. She owes him an additional bit. Breaks her crystal friendship table, or tries to. It's what they would have done.

I sit in my massage chair-throne and take out the newspaper. Its headline reads ‘Evil Villain Wins, Stops Tyranny?’

I wanna read that newspaper article

Lovely piece this one is

“And I’ll stop you with the power of-“ I stop and pull out a pistol. “-this gun I found!” I fire the pistol, hitting her right foreleg. She screams in pain, falling over.

IS THIS FROM SOMETHING???
I swear this has to be from somewhere to make me laugh.
Like actual laughter and not computer snerting.
Great stuff.

Amazing as always my dude. Amazing as always

“IT’S THE PRINCIPLE BONES!!! NOW GIVE ME SIX BITS YOU GREEDY BITCH!!!” I yell.

What’s the principle?

“... I keep my money in a safe in my room. It’s Celestia’s birthday,” she says, sighing.

What was the point in telling him?

Can I haz more money plz.

10538225
Cheers, I’ll drink to that.

Also, loved this to bits! Can’t wait for more from ya!

“... Buck it, I’m not paid to be smart,” Bones says.

I laughed so fucking hard at this, I think I slipped a disk.

This story is literary magnificence.

DF
DF #16 · Dec 8th, 2020 · · ·

It is dumb and it is fun. It's dumb fun.

That is all.

I was a businessman, doing business.

10538225
Principle

And I'd assume Celestia's birthday is the code to the safe.

10618672
But, what was the point in telling him?

10618677
I think she still wants to use the safe, cause if she didn't, then Twilight might lose the safe.

10618801
But, whether he told him or not, wouldn’t it be the same result?

10618808
Would you rather someone destroying your property, looking for the money you owe them while quite possibly enslaving your kingdom, or would you just tell them where the money is, how to get it, and they'll leave you alone and go their merry way?

10618821
But, wouldn’t they still have lost the money and been kept in the dungeon either way?

10618831
I'm pretty sure Anon let everypony go after he got his money and destroyed the McDon's establishment in Ponyville.

10618846
Oh yea. I think he did. But, why would he say he wouldn’t?

10618851
So that no one would stop him from destroying McDon's? I mean look at the exchange between Twilight and Anon.

“... Will you let us go if I do?” She asks.

“Fuck no, I’m going to make sure this shit never happens again,” I say.

“How?” She asks.

“Destroying the root of the problem,” I growl.

He's basically telling her that he won't let her go until he destroys the "root of the problem".

10618866
Ohh. I just assumed he would never let them go.

10618873
Yeah, but if that were the case, then it'd ruin the joke this entire story was about.

10618900
Maybe, maybe not. But what would I know? I'm not the author, nor am I a master of comedy.

10618911
That’s fair

Finally a protagonist I can vibe with

A work of art. I fucking love 'non stories.

lol anon is the most hilarious supervillain-on-a-budget there is

KvAT #36 · Feb 4th, 2021 · · ·

Now this is how you villain. Quick, precise, and more importantly, have a straight goal.

My boy been reading the handbook. Never made a single mistake and planned for the heroes tendency to break his fancy table.

I can't blame him, she took his bits and left him hanging. Fuck you Twilight Sparkle.

Anon is Dan

10662306
and do it in such a legal way, that the "heroes" can't touch you without becoming the villain themselves

Six bits for six elements. Seems fair.

the enchantment catches her and yeets her the fuck out

I LOST IT.

"stares blankly at the wall"

Fantastic.

“... Buck it, I’m not paid to be smart,” Bones says.

Lol, all this over six bits.

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