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Cereal Killer982 words
Week One: Twilight Sparkle970 words
Fluttershy818 words
Rarity935 words
Rainbow Dash1,049 words
Pinkie Pie845 words
Derpy1,377 words
Merry Fucking Christmas755 words
Applejack1,064 words

Pinkie Pie

Elijah crawled away from the cave, severely more molested then he had been before. Rainbow Dash, who had inexplicably acquired a whip and a dominatrix outfit, smiled evilly over the poor boy.

“I’ll be expecting you to come back for more...” Elijah began to softly cry as he escape the cave and ran back to Ponyville.

“Well, now, let’s see...” Elijah pulled out his list, and nearly had a heart attack upon viewing the next pony he had to take care of.

Pinkie Pie.

“Oh shit.”

Elijah sank to the ground, thoroughly defeated. He was going to die. There was no way around it. He was not going to survive the coming battle. He was, all in all, fucked.

“I’ve got to hide. It’s the only way around it!” Elijah grabbed a leaf, and put it on his head. “There! I’m safe!”

The wind then proceeded to ruin his plan, and blew away the leaf, leaving him exposed for Pinkie Pie to find him and do whatever joyful yet insidious things to him.

Something happened to Elijah right then. Some say he realized his actions. Some say he took responsibility. Some call it manning up. No matter what way you call it, the simple truth of the matter was: Elijah grew some balls and marched right towards Sugarcube Corner.

Unfortunately, he marched these newly sprouted testicles right into a low hanging branch.

After several moments of intense pain, far worse than being burned in lava, far worse than giving birth, and nearly as bad as getting your dick caught in the zipper of your pants, Elijah crawled his way painfully into Sugarcube Corner.

There, he saw Pinkie Pie smiling happily up at a giant cake monster that seemed hell bent on eating her.

“Fuck this. I quit.” Elijah closed his eyes, and waited to be carted off to Super Hell.

Yet nothing happened. Instead, when he opened his eyes, he saw a blond haired man with a guitar staring down at him.

“Kurt Cobain?”

The rockstar smiled. “Yes, it is I, dear child! What the hell are you doing, man? That pink pony things gonna die unless you kick that cake monster’s ass!”

Elijah began to tear up. “B-but... I’m so weak and pathetic!”

“True, you are... I mean honestly, you’re the worst piece of shit I’ve seen all day, and I was just near the Nazi section of Hell. But you’re you! And you don’t dare stop being you!” Kurt smiled encouragingly.

Elijah stared in wonderment at the former frontman of Nirvana. “Are you like, Jesus?”

Kurt frowned. “Um, that would be a no. What the fuck, kid?” The grunge pioneer picked up his guitar and handed it to Elijah. “Anyway, use this to attack the monster. Kick it’s ass hard!”

Elijah took the guitar, and looked up at the cake monster, who had since destroyed most of Sugercube Corner as Pinkie Pie gleefully dodged it. The boy felt pangs of doubt again.

“But it’s so scary! I can’t fight that!”

“Kid, don’t be a wimp and just kill the thing already! I gotta go, I’m having lunch with with Amy, Jimi and Janis in a few minutes. It’s a part of this club we all belong to.” Kurt turned to leave, then looked back. “Wait, can you answer me a question?”

Elijah, glad to do anything to avoid fighting the monster, said “Yeah?”

“How’s Axl Rose doing these days?”

Elijah snorted. “Oh, he’s fucking fat.”

Kurt smiled. “How fat?”

“I get diabetes just looking at him.”

The blond haired rocked laughed, and disappeared in a burst of smoke. Elijah smiled, then remembered the cake monster.

Elijah held the guitar over his head, and charged the baked baddy. “BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY KURT COBAIN, I SHALL-” The cake monster stepped on Elijah, snapping his spine and fracturing his pelvis.

The frosting and baked goodery slowly began to suffocate the already severely injured child. Elijah began to weep softly as he thought of all the Jersey Shore he would have to watch.

As his vision slowly faded, Elijah died for the second time. This one was much more painful than the last one.

“I always knew I would die buried in cake,” Elijah said sadly. “But I never thought it would suck so much!”

He waited for The Super Devil to drag his bony fingers across his face to begin his torment. Something did indeed drag over his face. It was wet, and slimy.

“Odd, I would think the fingers would be bonnier, not all soft and tongue like-” Elijah opened his eyes to see Pinkie Pie licking all the frosting off of him. She had eaten the entire cake monster while Elijah was incapacitated.

Elijah sighed as his back snapped into place, and his pelvis healed. Pinkie Pie sucked the last of the frosting off of Elijah’s eyebrows, and fell to the ground, her stomach bulging.

“Because, you know, fuck logic.”

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