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Merry Fucking Christmas755 words
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Rarity

Elijah sneezed with such force it knocked him backwards into a woodchipper. Almost falling into the blades, he escaped with some minor cuts on his arm.

“Who the hell leaves a woodchipper in the middle of the woods? I mean, it’s not even a residential area, so there would be no pony to make use of it...” Elijah looked to see the thing wasn’t even plugged in. “Also, since when did ponies need woodchippers? I’m done with this dimension already. Even if I have to go to Super Hell...” Elijah thought of the insidious torture Super Hell would put him through. Forcing him to watch Jersey Shore while listening to Nickelback nonstop...

“Hey, I actually like Nickelback!”

You do? Jesus, what’s wrong with you, kid?

Elijah ignored this and headed over to the Carousel Boutique. Halfway there, he realized he had his iPod with hm. Putting it on shuffle, he listened to the first song in there.

“I got so high, I scratched till I bled, Love myself, better than YOUUUUU...” Birds flew in terror from Elijah’s complete butchering of the song.

“I’M ON A PLANE!” The boy’s voice hit an octave that shattered nearby windows. Ignoring this, our blonde hero pulled off an amazing air guitar solo. He wasn’t looking where he was going, however, and air guitared straight into a rose bush.

Picking the thorns out of his face, Elijah looked to see he was outside Carousel Boutique. Opening the door to the dressmaker's shop, he took a look around. Rarity was currently looking over a plain dress, contemplating whether or not to add several rubies to the mix.

Elijah smiled, and leaned up against a table, watch the white pony work. It was calming, nice, even. A good change from all the craziness that had happened in the past week and two days.

Looking down, he saw that he had left his hand to close to the sewing machine, and sewed all his fingers on his right hand together.

“Huh, just like in home economics.” Cringing in pain, Elijah grabbed one of the thread cutters and pried his fingers apart. Looking over, he saw that Rarity was no longer in the room.

“Crap.” Running around the house, Elijah checked everywhere from underneath the sink to behind the bookshelves. Almost giving up hope, he walked into the kitchen to see Rarity facehoofing at Sweetie Belle, who had come home from school and was giving cooking another whirl.

“Sweetie Belle, you’ve destroyed the kitchen again! Honestly, it feels like a running gag at this point!”

Elijah sniffed the air, a peculiar scent catching his nose. “Gas... I have to get to the stove!” Running over to the stove, he shoved Sweetie Belle and did the same to Rarity. He was about to confront the stove when he was hit in the face very hard with a frying pan. Dizzy, he fell over into the stove, mashing several buttons. Sweetie Belle was holding a frying pan in her mouth, and was swinging the cooking vessel all around.

“I think there’s a ghost!”

Rarity shook her head disapprovingly. “Sweetie Belle, there is no ghost, you’re just being paranoid. Just because something shoved both of us out of the way doesn’t mean there’s a- Oh sweet Celestia, there’s a ghost in here!” The dressmaker jumped up on the table, looking frantically around as if she expected the supposed apparition to appear from thin air.

Elijah, who had recovered from the smack, picked Sweetie Belle up, and threw her over at Rarity. Sweetie looked as if she were going to faint as she was levitated into the air by some unknown force, and Rarity actually did faint as the filly flew towards her supernaturally. turning back and examining the stove, Elijah frowned. He saw that all the burners had been left on, and the stove was set on 420.

“Hehe, that’s a marijuana joke.”The teen smiled just as the stove exploded, sending him into a world of blinding light. When he came too, he was by the table where Sweetie Belle was holding onto Rarity, crying.

“Shh, Sweetie Belle, it’s ok...” The filly cried harder. Elijah stood up shakily and looked down at himself. His shirt was burned, and his left arm was maimed, a large shard of the stove. Pain smashed his entire body, filling up his entire being. Looking over at the sisters through tearing eyes, he saw Rarity run her hoof through her sister’s mane.

“You’ll be fine, Sweetie... it’s over now. I’ll buy a new stove...”

The filly looked up at her sister. “Y-you’re not mad?”

“How could I be mad? I’m just glad you’re ok! I’d normally be furious, but given the circumstances, I’m just glad you’re ok!”

Elijah, despite the immense pain he was in, felt happiness from this scene of sisterly love. As usual, he immediately ruined this by throwing up all over Rarity.

Rarity was frozen in disgust, and Sweetie Belle picked up the frying pan and smacking Elijah straight in the face. For somepony who couldn’t see who she was aiming for, she sure was good at hitting targets.

Falling to the ground on top of all the debris, Elijah sincerely wished the humor here didn’t revolve around him getting hurt all the time.

A flash of smoke, and Elijah’s favorite devil friend appeared. “Jesus, you’re going to end up destroying all of Equestria! Anyway, next up: Rainbow Dash!”

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Regidar

Regidar #1 · Sep 16th, 2012 · · ·

BASED ON A TRUE STORY

omega-ze-wargod

omega-ze-wargod #2 · Sep 16th, 2012 · · ·

i agree i like this here story

-wargod

mageli7

mageli7 #3 · Sep 16th, 2012 · · ·

Based on a true story huh? Ruining allll the moments by throwing up, and you like Nickelback... Oh dear lord... ANYWAYS! Another great chapter, good job in sewing your hand together, and home economics was terrible for me as well! (things set on fire... So much fire) Great job!