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Cereal Killer982 words
Week One: Twilight Sparkle970 words
Fluttershy818 words
Rarity935 words
Rainbow Dash1,049 words
Pinkie Pie845 words
Derpy1,377 words
Merry Fucking Christmas755 words
Applejack1,064 words

Fluttershy

Elijah recovered from his shock injuries without any explanation, and went off to Fluttershy’s cottage. Looking inside the window, Elijah saw a sight he wished he could unsee immediately.

“You’re a good bunny, aren’t you, Angel?” Fluttershy’s voice came from inside the woodland house. Elijah felt sick to his stomach.

“Isn’t this supposed to be an innocent kids universe?” Elijah looked about for some brain bleach. Sadly, none was to be found, and thus, he was stuck with that memory forever.

“Oh god... why?” Elijah bashed his head against the nearest rock. “How could she do something so sick and twisted? I mean, who does that?” Elijah couldn’t help himself. He peeked inside to watch the event continue.

“Ugh... that’s nasty. I mean, his bows aren’t even in the right place!” Elijah said, pointing to the bunny whose fur was currently being put in bows. He had a bow on the side of his face, on his stomach, and on his leg. “Jeez, Fluttershy, leave the beauty stuff to Rarity.”

Something clicked in his mind. “Aw, that’s nasty, brian. Why would you even think of something like that? You’re perverted.” The human pulled out a cigarette, and lit it.

“Wait, I don’t smoke.” Elijah flicked the butt of the cigarette into the bushes in front of Fluttershy’s house, where they promptly caught fire.

Our hero(?) stared in awe as the fire spread abnormally quickly to the front of Fluttershy’s house.

“Fuck.”

Running to Fluttershy’s front door, he grabbed the doorknob. All the human got was a burned hand for this idiot move. “Crap, I’ll have to go through the window.”

Rushing over to the window, he saw Fluttershy cowering in fear behind her sofa as the flames creeped closer to her. Elijah pulled back his arm, and heroically punched the glass. Things broke. Not the glass.

Nursing his broken fingers, Elijah picked a large rock and punted it through the window. Glass shattered, and Elijah tumbled through the broken mess, cutting himself. “God damn, do I just fail at EVERYTHING?” Shaking this off, he rushed through the smoke to try and rescue the shaking yellow mare. Grabbing what felt a lot like Fluttershy, Elijah ran back through the smoke, jumped through the window again, and put fluttershy down.

It turned out he had grabbed a potted plant.

Elijah facepalmed, and cringed as his broken fingers mashed against shards of glass in his face. This time climbing through the window, he looked around for Fluttershy. Finding nothing, he assumed she died in the fire, and did the only logical thing.

He cried until he caught on fire.

Elijah moped miserably out of the burnt ruins, ignoring that his hair was ablaze. THen, he saw Fluttershy perfectly fine, checking to make sure all the animals were safe.

“Oh thank Jeebus.” Elijah wiped the sweat from his brow. “Hey, is it just me, or is it a little hot in here?”

After much screaming and head banging, Elijah returned to where Fluttershy was counting to see if all the chickens were still uncooked. What she didn’t notice was the very large bear slowly lumbering towards her, licking its lips.

Elijah did the right things, and selflessly flung himself in front of the bear. The bear was very confused when its teeth sunk into something in the middle of thin air. The bear looked around. There wasn’t anything there! Significantly befuddled, it waddle off back into the woods.

Elijah fell to the ground, tears streaming down his face. His left shoulder was now mangled. And this was only day one of helping Fluttershy!

“Yeah, about that...” the fat devil from before reappeared. “Look,a t this rate, you’re going to die by next morning, so I’m gonna change it to one day that you have to spend with each pony.”

“What? Only one day?”

“Do you want to die?”

Elijah shrugged his still working shoulder. “I’m already dead. It’s not like I can die again.”

The devil laughed. “Oh, you are wrong there. You can still die alright. And then you’ll go to Super Hell!”

Elijah swallowed hard. “Super Hell?”

The portly receptionist nodded. “Eeyup! Like normal Hell, only Super!”

Elijah thought about how awful that would be. “Fine. I’ll take the one day each then. This is going to screw with chapter naming though.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Say, can you heal me?”

The devil shook his head. “Sorry, nope! But you’ll heal automatically once each assignment is up. Look! The sun’s going down!”

“It’s been like 20 minutes-” Elijah’s wounds all miraculously disappeared.

“Good luck with Rarity!” The devil disappeared, and Elijah curled up in a ball on the ground for a goodnight’s sleep.